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While talking to my friend about my BU today, he said a couple of things which I'd like to read your opinions one.


He knows my ex and cannot understand how she would have ended a LTR in such a way. He claimed, that she might feel overwhelmed and probably disapointed by how little I appeared to care for her and the situation I was in regarding work at the time of the break up. The fact that I would always complain about the job, and the lack of security in it as an excuse not to live with her, or show any other form of commitment. But never seemed to be making any progress in resolving the issues in work, although to be fair, I was very active in looking for other work. Then by the time she had dicided to end it, she had made up her mind that I was enjoying the feeling of been persecuted as it made not committing to her much easier.


In other words.... every time the subject came up and whatever my reply was, she would basically hear the same stock answer.... 'look hun, I really want to commit to you, but the crap in work is holding me back from doing ...................'


He suggested that she is much more hurt by the BU then I am or could ever imagion as she had put all her eggs in one basket and me singled out as 'the one' and may have even repeatedly told her friends & family that any day now you were going to sort it out and move on.... she may have been thinking about ending for some time, but kept refusing to believe it would come to that because of her beleave that I would give her the commitment she wanted.


Evenually, after seeing most of her friends married, moving into there new homes having kids etc, she wakes up one day and decides thats it........ its over and no matter what I promise, she cannot go back on her decision because she might have already spoken to one or more of her friends and family who have agreed it was the right thing to do and therefore she doesn't want to seem to appear weak or her pride may not allow her to believe what she thinks is just more 'carrot & stick' from me. Which is way there was no communication about the BU.


He thinks I have a small window in which to show my ex, not by words, but by actions that becoming so focused on the reasons not to live together I had forgotten the reasons to live together... and the fact that I changed job, he thinks the first thing I should do is tell her (I already have, during a period of LC.) Then I should move into a nice apartment and when everything is settled and I've moved in I should make 'accidental' contact with her.


He believes that owning to her personallity and how she work up with me, she would be more open to knowing how I'm getting on and without making a big deal of it, I should tell her that the new job was just the break I needed to kick start my life, and invite her up to see my new place.


Because my new job involves driving, my accidental contact could happen when the weather turns very bad and could be a simple gesture of offering her a ride home and by offering her my number I may have a chance not only to prove that my perverious job was the real cause of holding back, that I wasn't just using it as a crutch to prop up my lack of commitment argument.



I am wrong thinking he means that I have spoken or told my ex for so long that our current arrangment was temparary, when it appeared to her to become more permenant everyday that only strong decisive action would be enough to allow her justifiy to herself and her circle that maybe she made a misake and although it took longer then expected, she was right to believe in me


Sorry if this is a bit long winded, and rambling in places but I wanted to try and relay the whole thing.

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