Racial preferences when it comes to dating

[Furtive]

...Deleted it while I can, served no purpose.

[Fudgie]

mashmlofluff,

 

(1) A lot of the people I know who are from different races HAVE grown up in different cultures. I don't know any who was just adopted out as a baby into a white family. They normally come from families that are of their same race (obviously) and most of the older people in that family are deeper into that culture than the "younger folk". And that's, quite simply, something that I don't want to deal with.

 

(2) My ex was almost 40 years my senior. We had loads more in common than the interracial guy I was with, who was much closer to my age, and that's saying soemthing. My boyfriend and I listened to the same music, knew a lot of the same cultural references, had same values, same ideas on "family", all that. Sure, there were differences in how we grew up in terms of what we had and did but the ideas were still the same. It was just a slightly older time. But largely, it was very, very similar. We even grew up in the same state!

 

(3) Outside of England (I have family in England, so I'm aware of the culture and grew up with some of it) I wouldn't date white people in Europe. I was just talking about here in America.

 

Sure, maybe there's a few guys out there who are non-white and yet EXACTLY like me in terms of values and customs. I'm doubtful and certainly haven't met them but do they exist? Sure.

 

It's much easier to just say "White Americans only please" rather than "I am open to ALL races but only want to be with someone who is of the same culture, customs, values, morals, etc." It's much easier to do the former and I have no problems doing so. When I go online, I check it so I ONLY see white men. As I see it, I'm probably not limiting my dating pool that much and just saving myself a lot of headache. I don't want to have to go talking with all of these men of different races trying to weedle out the ones who are different from me in big ways.

 

My past interracial relationship was awful. I know I'm never going down that road again. Way too many differences. As the relationship wore on, I found that I actually *hated* some values that he was taught as a child..including those regarding family and how to treat people. The other values, we just differed on and it made us incompatible. He grew up with different ideas as a child.

 

It's just too different. And "different", to me, is not good when it comes to relationships.

[BritterSweet]

I'm attracted to features that happen to be more commonplace in certain races, so yes I guess I do have racial preferences in a sense. But I don't really appreciate it when somebody tries to attach some sort of moral profile based on what races they will and won't date. Being attracted to a wider variety of races doesn't make you more "open-minded" than someone who prefers to date one or two types. In fact, I think it's smarter to be aware of what your limits are.

 

Like others have said, culture plays a big part. You may be excited at the novelty of being with someone who has a different style or outlook than you. But if you can't work it out, the differences will only frustrate the both of you. It's important in a relationship to have things you share, like personal values.

 

And if you want to be more involved with and learn about other ethnicities and cultures, there are far more -and better- ways to do so than a romantic relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm not judging Fudgie but I think you are mixing race with culture. A different race doesn't automaticallly mean a different culture, though it may.

 

I don't think people need to defend their racial preferences, but it can be good to self-examine. I know I think about it quite a bit.

[Batya33]

That's a big statement. And I agree as well as disagree. If you want to get the person you are dating to your bed (and disappear) then may be. If you are genuinely interested in relationship then it can deduced that you support cultural diversity.

 

Why? Just because someone chooses someone who looks a certain way or has a certain background doesn't mean the motivation is to support cultural diversity. It might just be the simple reason that that person happens to like the other person as an individual. I for one would dislike if someone's motivation to be friendly with me was to learn about my culture/ethnicity -if that person was up front about it from the beginning I'd be happy to talk about my culture/background if I felt the interest was genuine but after a bit I'd prefer that that aspect of me be more background/occasional topic of discussion and that we focus on each other as individuals.

[NFalcon]

I'm mixed. While growing up I used to joke that Chinese girls weren't interested in dating me because I was Caucasian (I can't speak Chinese), and Caucasian girls weren't interested in dating me because I was Chinese (I look relatively Asian).

 

I was raised essentially Caucasian, though I know and have experienced enough about Asian culture. I'm pretty sure I have a clear preference for Caucasian girls; but I'm open-minded. I've met and fallen for amazing hispanics, blacks, and asians. What their skin colour is generally isn't very high on the "should I ask her out" list, taking a back seat to questions like "what kind of person are they?" and "what are their interests?"

 

I'm sure cultural compatibility helps to smooth some things over, but at the same time we're all a part of several different cultures at once (nerd culture, band culture, church culture, regional culture, scout culture, etc.), and living in North America feels like one giant superculture sometimes.

[Generation]

I'm mixed. While growing up I used to joke that Chinese girls weren't interested in dating me because I was Caucasian (I can't speak Chinese), and Caucasian girls weren't interested in dating me because I was Chinese (I look relatively Asian).

 

DUDE! THIS IS SO ME!!

 

Also the fact that I can't speak Chinese, I joked Chinese girls don't wanna get with me.

Also the fact that I have more of the Asian stereotypes than most Asians I know in fact, I joke white girls don't wanna get with me.

It's tough being mixed.

 

Nah I'm kidding, being mixed is the most amazing thing.

[londonbridge]

I don't see where being supportive of and interested in diversity means that you should choose to date someone of a different race. I think cultural diversity is very important and there are many ways to achieve it - friendship is one way but only one of several ways. I don't think having racial preferences in a romantic context has anything to do with whether the person supports cultural diversity. And, if someone does choose to date someone of a different race I wouldn't presume that that person supports cultural diversity -that person may simply be attracted to that other person. I agree with Fudgie that it's perfectly fine to choose to date within one's culture. It's not fine to do that for racist reasons of course but the reasons Fudgie wrote sound fine to me and probably make a lot of sense!

 

Agreed. Well said. I have a best white girl friend who has only dated white guys, but she is one of the most empathetic, aware, proactive, supportive of diversity. She totally gets it. Whereas I have a Vietnamese guy friend who grew up white washed, extremely privileged, and who NEVER understood diversity.

 

He always supported white people even if they were wrong. One particular racist statement that I can't forget and made me finally decide he wasn't someone I wanted to hang around was "Always trust white people, these Asians will rip you off." when we were trying to buy plane tickets from a Japanese company that required cash in Japan. Little did he know, in Japan, practically every business will require cash over credit card, so by not knowing this tiny cultural difference, he showed his true racist colors.

[pima]

Growing up I always dated hispanic men. it was what I was used to. I am Native American, so unless I live on the reservation, it would have taken a while for me to find me a native honey. It's crazy this is how my dating history goes, Peruvian, Argentinian (?), Salvadorean, Filipino, White. These are my major relationships and I'm finding dating a white person is different, or more in terms of his culture, because this has been the only relationship whose parents I've met who only speak English and notice I get some looks here and there, but that could also be because I look hispanic too. Try growing up where everyone thinks you speak spanish and you don't, and the ones who think you do, get mad cause you don't.

[quirky]

I don't have a racial preference. As long as he is intelligent, kind and funny I'm ok.

[Batya33]

I think there's a difference between having a racial preference based on stereotypes and having a racial preference because you want to learn more about that person's culture (because of an underlying motivation for cultural diversity in your life). I think more people fall into the former rather than the latter and most people simply choose a person they like and not because of that person's race or cultural background or because of a motivation to increase the diversity in their lives.

[teabee]

I am mixed race (black and white). My boyfriend is white. I have dated and been attracted to many different colors. There are certain personality-types and worldviews that I am most comfortable around of course, but I certainly don't have a race requirement! Still a strange idea to me. Why not just say, "I want to date someone attractive that I have awesome rapport with!" rather than, "I only date this or that race."? Leaves me scratching my head. Then again, I am open to an extreme, letting things show up without being picky about race, age, height, nose size, ear shape, number of eyebrow hairs... But some others have an extremely specific idea of what they want their mate to look like. I guess I find that limiting for myself, but different strokes for different folks.

[Minx2012]

I am an Asian woman who has been attracted / dated men from different ethnic backgrounds. But I have noticed a pattern :

 

7 yrs old - 17 yrs old -> Had crushes / attracted / dated European guys ( mostly British or Northern European background ). Reason for this is that I was educated in private international schools from those years in Europe ( mainly Europe - Southern and Northern Europe and then, some time in the Middle East ).

 

17 yrs old - 21 yrs old-> Dated mostly black or "mixed" men ( half black, half white, all sorts of other mixes / ethnicities ). Reason for this is that my family moved to another continent and country where there are predominantly large groups of ethnic minorities from all over the world. My senior highschool and early part of University were filled with visibly ethnic minorities from around the world ( but mostly from African, South East Asian or East Asian countries ).

 

21 yrs old - 27 yrs old -> Dated mostly Caucasian men ( mostly British origin ). I was in University for my Masters, PhD and professional licensing where most of my male classmates were Caucasian or East Asian.

 

27 yrs old - 33 yrs old ( present ) -> Dated ONLY Caucasian men ( British and/or European origin ). Reason for this is that I am currently working and living abroad in many different countries ( Tokyo - Japan, Singapore, parts of Africa, Northern Europe ) where the foreigners are mostly educated / highly successful Caucasian / European people with business holdings in such countries. I have more in common with them bc of the language, educational experiences, career, social circle of expatriates etc.

 

 

I have never dated East Asian men ( Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, Laotian, Cambodian, Filipino etc ) because I have never had an attraction for them. I am not sure if it's bc I am Asian or if it's because of upbringing. I am an Asian woman who NEVER GREW UP AROUND East Asians except my parents and my siblings. My parents' professions took us around the world ( mostly Europe and the Middle East ) and the schools we attended were private and international, where my siblings and I stood out as the ONLY East Asian kids in a population of predominantly Europeans ( bc the international schools we attended in the Middle East, were mostly of British, Northern European population with the Arab population being mixed or "half white " ).

 

If you look at the pattern, I have dated mostly Caucasian men. I have a preference for also Nordic looking men ( think Alexander Skaarsgaard, Jude Law, Michael Fassbender, Ryan Gosling ). If there was a group of men from different parts of the world, walking towards me, my eye naturally gravitates to the "Nordic" looking one ( blonde hair, tall, athletic, sharp features, piercing light eyes ). Interestingly enough, they too, find me very attractive.

 

I have thought about this phenomenon in my dating life deeply. I have a few reasons for my specific racial attraction (despite the fact that I have dated many men from different ethnicities except East Asian ) :

 

1) Upbringing : From the time that I was 4 yrs old, the boys that I saw around me were blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, "Nordic looking ". I had a very fun, happy, adventurous, healthy childhood that included a lot of travels around the world with my family. So perhaps, I associate them with my happy childhood and I tend to have better experiences with them bc my mind has already associated them with an intrinsic, childhood happiness.

 

2) Social circle : Most of the dynamic years of my education ( Primary, early highschool and University ) were filled with British / European / Caucasian men. I was going through great emotional, physical and mental changes. Somehow, their images or presence wired into my psyche of what I found fundamentally attractive. Even the black men that I dated had some sort of " European " look to them for they were mostly half ( half Jamaican-half French, half Scottish-half Nigerian, half English-half Bahamian ).

 

3) Similar educational and career backgrounds : Sociological and economist studies have proven that you tend to end up with people that you have met within your career or educational background. Even though social classes are not as rigidly defined as it was during the earliest parts of history as we know it, it has somewhat being ingrained in us. We don't look at blood or royal titles anymore, but we do look at people's career or social status in life. As superficial and hard as this is to swallow, the reality is that you will tend to go for someone from similar social / educational or career background bc you have more in common to talk about. There are of course, the needs for something different, to learn from people....but eventually, fundamental beliefs in life trump those differences.

 

Conversely, I have also looked at the men that I PERSONALLY ATTRACT :

 

a) East Asian men don't look at me. I can count with my one hand, the amount of East Asian men who have voiced some sort of attraction for me. The only East Asian men who have shown a lot of attraction for me are East Indian, Pakistani and Sri Lankan men.

 

b) Black men are very attracted to me.

 

c) Caucasian men ( mostly British, Europeans ) are very attracted to me.

 

d) Arab men find me attractive and can get quite assertive....so I didn't have much attraction for them because they were too pushy.

 

e) Mixed ethnicity men are very attracted to me.

[Shudder]

 

I have never dated East Asian men ( Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, Laotian, Cambodian, Filipino etc ) because I have never had an attraction for them. I am not sure if it's bc I am Asian

 

im sorry but that just sounds so messed up.

[Ms Darcy]

im sorry but that just sounds so messed up.

 

Yeah, but not surprising considering who she does date. It's not uncommon for people who date outside of their race not to date their own race. The reasons are all personal but doesn't necessarily mean it's not a little sad.

 

It's a whole lotta words for "I'm an Asian girls who likes white men and doesn't like Asian men."

 

I tend to think (personal theory) that we all use a lot of words to try to get away from claiming that the social status associated with certain races is more attractive. Not wrong ... just is.

[The_Seeker]

I date only Americans as in people who are born in United States. Not out of United States.

 

I am Asian-American.

 

I don't like some Asian men from Asian countries. Mind you, I'm mix-Asian.

 

Chinese men from China that look at me tells me I need to be thinner. LOL I don't know if this is the individual or culture aspect. I can't STAND being called ABC by them.

 

Japanese men from Japan expects me to read their mind when it comes to romances but they're great friends though.

 

Vietnamese men are under control of their mother which scares the crap out of me sometimes. They gossip way too much.

 

Arabian men [Persian or Iraseli] are very smooth talkers. I DEFINITELY would date them.

 

European Men, I play sports with them. They are such major flirts. Now I don't mean White males in Europe, I meant all males in Europe. I have cousins in Europe. Their friends act similar to each other. Weird.

 

South American men are waaaay into their looks.

 

Australian men are fun. They're adventurous to me.

 

In the future, the only Canadian guy I would prob date is the guy I will propose to if we both end up being single and in our early 40s. LOL

 

But then again it depends on the individual.

 

I'll stick with American men. LOL

[Minx2012]

im sorry but that just sounds so messed up.[/quote

 

So would it be better if I were to date someone I am NOT PHYSICALLY attracted to ( in this case, Asian men ) for the sake of being "politically correct"? I didn't say that I found them ugly or unattractive. I stated, most specifically, that I, personally, am not attracted to them ( note the underline on the word " to " ). I find many Asian men handsome but the attraction is not there for me in order to date them romantically.

[Minx2012]

Yeah, but not surprising considering who she does date. It's not uncommon for people who date outside of their race not to date their own race. The reasons are all personal but doesn't necessarily mean it's not a little sad.

 

It's a whole lotta words for "I'm an Asian girls who likes white men and doesn't like Asian men."

 

I tend to think (personal theory) that we all use a lot of words to try to get away from claiming that the social status associated with certain races is more attractive. Not wrong ... just is.

 

And you are being too much of a generalist. There is a reason for all the details that I added. One of them ( and being the most important one ) is that you date who surrounds you in your social circle or reality. Economists have actually provided studies on this. This is the stuff of sociological studies that they teach at Universities. The whole " I'm an Asian woman who doesn't like Asian men " ( as you put it ) is not the point at all.

 

And also, when you say "....social status associated with certain races is more attractive ".....are you speaking of Caucasian people being the ones holding a special type of status? Because in this modern world of economy and prestige, the Asians ( especially the Chinese, Singaporeans, East Indians ) are leading and defining global economy in a big way. How do I know this? Because I work in Tokyo and Singapore in finance. MBA graduates come in here, like lap dogs, to Asian tycoons who fund international financial projects all over North America, Europe, Africa and the Middle East. If you think this way, then you are the one that is somehow stuck in the idea that "whites" still define power, prestige and economy. That is why if you look at Universities around the world, they are populated with very rich, academic Asian people, with a slightly smaller Caucasian population. So, by sense of your theory or personal belief, should I be going for Asians because of prestige and social status that my " big and long words " hide?

[Thorshammer]

I'll bite since I am bored...

 

There is no such thing as a latino race by the way. A Latin American country is like the USA, its a melting pot of different races, and the actual title "Latino" is termed from the association to the country/government. I am Latino, and my roots come from Spain and France. When you dont like latin xxx, its like saying you dont like Americans, which means you arent attracted to the persona that might have been influenced by the culture, the "look" might have came outside since they arent indigenous to the land.

 

 

I would hate to go down and judge based on race, but this is my experience and my friends (both male friends and female friends (opinion on the men also) tell me the below), of course I am not saying everyone is programmed this way (and people vary of course, this is just a consensus- but its more in line with upbringing and experience than race).

 

Black women: very aggressive, very sexual, this is my experience in my area with black women- they usually like me because i am myself street and grew up with a lot of black people. In nyc at least, puerto ricans have the most in common with blacks (besides other latinos, we also have black puerto ricans in our culture). Though i look white, i actually fit in more in a black neighborhood than a hipster neighborhood.

 

white women: i tend to get bored with them fast, and if they are out of NYC they consider me "too street", they think i am someone from "fast and the furious" or something. They arent as aggressive, and they always feel they are too over their head with me as if they cant match my passion and aggressiveness. I dont salivate on the blonde arayan with light eyes that the media loves though, neither do any of my friends. In my experience, they tend to fall in love really fast and really hard with me. They do give a lot though (and in my experience with certain friends, they can be taken advantage of if they arent careful), they do tend to be hopeless romantics, but you have to break their misconceptions of bias first, and most keep that misconception, they like dating the "bad boy" that is a sweet nice guy behind closed doors.

- the above doesnt have to be "white"- these are characteristics more in line with someone who isnt from the streets, this can be black or latino. I know white people who grew up with me that are nothing like the above. This is all based on their background.

 

 

Asians: i only dated one asian, and she thought she was latina, lol. But, they avoid me like the plague. Besides Latinas, i like asian women. Though I got frustrated trying to date them that they seem a bit unattractive now (my switch does go "on" and "off" pretty easy). I usually see them with white men, usually physically unattractive white-men. I am sure it has to do with my dress and demeanor, as i am a hoody and boots guy with a crue cut and piercings guys, nothing like the hipsters around my area.

 

latina: they can be selfish and feel entitled to a lot. Also, if you are not masculine, they will consider you weak or "less manly". Besides that, imo, they treat a man as if he was king, and they are very passionate. Also, latina women vary, we have arayan blonde, to pocohontas-looking indian women (like jlo for example). they are hard to keep, and even harder to make fall in love with you. These women have pulled and pushed and tore me up. Its like going 0 to 60 mphs in a second with them- right now i am not attracted to latin women as much as i used to be (which my mom is a bit disappointed with, since she speaks no english, lol). Also, i find them difficult, they like powerful men, and in my experience very masculine powerful men play the field hard, and since they assume i am among that breed, they tend to give me a difficult time with their huge walls i have to climb (they believe it justifies their selfishness and distance).

- this includes black women too, pretty much a lot of people that are from the loud city streets, like the asian i dated who thought she was latina acted this way

[pinkelephant]

Yeah, but not surprising considering who she does date. It's not uncommon for people who date outside of their race not to date their own race. The reasons are all personal but doesn't necessarily mean it's not a little sad.

 

It's a whole lotta words for "I'm an Asian girls who likes white men and doesn't like Asian men."

 

I tend to think (personal theory) that we all use a lot of words to try to get away from claiming that the social status associated with certain races is more attractive. Not wrong ... just is.

 

Well, I don't think it's fair to reduce it just to that.

 

I'm also asian and have never dated another asian man.

 

For one, they're not attracted to me. I, too, can count on one hand the number that has expressed interest toward me for a partner. Secondly, when we move to a location where Caucasians are the majority, we associate asians as our family or the like -- something I think she was alluding to in her post and is something that I find in common with other asians I know. The majority of other asians we know are family, and obviously, you don't date family.

[pinkelephant]

Personally, I like how someone else talked about cultural similarities. It is something that I continuously struggle with as I date canadian (Caucasian) men. They never really get my culture and sometimes, don't do the right thing by my mom (or think she's very difficult to expect certain things). What my mom and my family think is very important to me, so it's a big deal.

 

I would love it if I can find someone like me (bicultural?) to "get" it. I can definitely see why someone would prefer their partner to share the same cultural background. You simply would get along better. Some cultural quirks are cute, but some are just down right annoying when you have to deal with it day-in and day-out.

[orchidrose]

For reasons I don't quite understand myself, I've had a tendency to date men of mixed race. My boyfriend is half Caucasian and half Latino. I dated another guy of that mix. My longest relationship was with a man who is half Caucasian and half Asian.

 

To go along with what seems to be a trend here: my current boyfriend has only dated Caucasian women (not Latino) and my ex only dated Caucasian women (not Asian).

 

Two of the three of them were darker skinned, which I'd say I'm attracted to (my current boyfriend is whiter than I am!). But it's never been a really conscious choice on my part. I would definitely date outside of my race if I had a connection with the man.

[StrawberryYogurt]

im sorry but that just sounds so messed up.

 

It is. I don't even want to associate with Asian girls who won't date Asian guys. Talk about racial self-hatred.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Personally, I like how someone else talked about cultural similarities. It is something that I continuously struggle with as I date canadian (Caucasian) men. They never really get my culture and sometimes, don't do the right thing by my mom (or think she's very difficult to expect certain things). What my mom and my family think is very important to me, so it's a big deal.

 

Easy solution. Date other Asian guys like the ABC types. But no, you're too fixated on white guys.

[Minx2012]

It is. I don't even want to associate with Asian girls who won't date Asian guys. Talk about racial self-hatred.

 

Aren't you the guy on my other forum thread that I started that talks about wanting to date ONLY Asian women, will only date Asian women bc you are Asian? If I have racial self-hatred, then what do you have? Pure, blatant racism?