Am I wasting my time

[Ryguy786]

Long story short - Met this girl last Thursday (She's Japanese). We had a lot of fun downtown, seemed very flirty. (I speak japanese and she speaks english so we had a lot to talk about). She also talked about how she really wanted a boyfriend laughing and joking and all.

 

I invited her to a house party on that saturday. She came over, we had lots of fun, we made out.

 

She came studied with my the next day on campus at the library. It was okay...didn't really know how to properly say goodbye so didn't push the topic.

 

Essentially I have been trying to hang out with her, and when we do hang out it seems really fun. But in text messages she barely replies, seems cold, and never initiates contact. It seems like I have to try very hard to hang out with her in person, and when we do it seems totally fine while hanging out.

 

We went to get food at the campus lunchroom and such a couple times. I invited her out to dinner and to go drinking afterwards - she initially said it sounded good. Later on I texted her asking what time worked and she told me "Hmm, I guess ill answer that tomorrow". She rarely responds to my texts that are kind conversation wrap-ups "Well, have a nice night, cya tomorrow then" and such.

 

She ended up texting me last night "Sorry I can't go tonight, I need to do homework and I want to talk with my ex boyfriend on skype....sorry".

and I said "well, okay, good luck studying, maybe another time!" and she says "Have fun going downtown as if I was going and inviting her along....

 

It seems like she treats lots of outings like friendly outings while I'm trying to push for more - furthermore....generally you don't say things like that to people you are interested in....

 

Am I wasting my time pursuing things? I thought I was in after we made out.....but now it seems like I'm on the back burner, she still has feelings for her ex, she likes the attention but not really much after that...

 

 

It's weird that she makes long term seeming hang out plans (Come to my b-ball games on tuesdays! and making a list of slang she learns from me) but then at the same time, rarely seems excited to hang out...despite having a good-seeming time when together (and doing the little flirty things. Come up behind you and poke you when your not looking to say hello, etc...)

 

very mixed signals

 

What should i do? Stop contacting her and give her some space and hit her up later?

[Absolution87]

She's still into her ex.

 

Time to move onto the next one.

[LDRohnos]

My ex was also Japanese and the way she's treating your relationship is the exact way my ex did. Very cold...very shallow...non expressive personality. Kind of a "do whatever...like I care anyway" take on things. Generally speaking (from my own experience with her friends and family) most asian girls are VERY subtle in their flirtations and how they communicate with people. It's a cultural thing that I didn't not understand and to be quite honest it frustrated the living heck out of me. It's like playing full court press hard to get.

 

Anyway she may or may not have spoken to her "ex" but that is exactly what I experienced when you called her...almost consistently. It's a means to create distance.

 

PS: Sorry if this offended any asian women reading the forum...I do not mean ALL asian girls...just the 20 or so I've known =)

[Stay_home]

I don't see why it's anymore of a cultural thing for an asian woman than it is for a white, hispanic or black woman. Either way, that one line she shot you with "I want to talk with my ex boyfriend on skype....sorry" that is a very encriminating friend-zone kind of thing to say. I can't think of anything else that would send someone into the friendzone faster, if not ever receive a call back. You can take it for what it is, but I'm telling you as your forum brother that this one is a goner..

[LDRohnos]

I don't see why it's anymore of a cultural thing for an asian woman than it is for a white

 

Because that is what I've noticed of their culture. Much more laid back and less expressive. I'm not saying you need to agree or disagree with me. I cited my personal experience.

[annie24]

I also wonder if she is trying to play "hard to get" but is maybe trying too hard. there's a difference between hard to get and impossible to get. there could be some cultural aspects here at play. I'm not really sure. she could have tossed in the "ex-boyfriend" thing to make you jealous. just a thought.

[Ms Darcy]

She wants to be chase and you like to chase. You two seem perfect for each other.

[chitown9]

She is not emotionally ready for a new relationship if she is still talking to her ex. Look for greener pastures...

[Shudder]

in my experience, asian girls (from asia) tend to play hard to get but will let the person chasing them know if the attention is wanted or not..

 

if this girl is mentioning stuff like skyping an ex or whatever strip tease they are doing, then i would say she's not really playing hard to get but more like telling you she's not ready

[Ryguy786]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I had almost no time to write the original thread, so I wanted to add some details. I actually dated a Japanese girl for about 2.5 years...so I kinda know a lot of the general stereotypes/truths and everything....but that doesn't make it easier haha...

 

It's funny that about 10 minutes after I posted the original message I went outside accross campus to go smoke and she came out of the store and came over, had a cig, and we talked and such. She wants to play basketball together in an intramural league league, talks about weekend plans, etc etc...I know friends do this to friends but I mean....yeah...

 

 

I've done some thinking, and based on my own experiences, the following pretty much sums it up.

 

1. There are certain things you do to people that you are interested in (flirting, playful touching, encouraging later hanging out, good conversation on a deeper level, keep lines of communication open and available, lots of jokes, etc...)

2. And there are certain things you do to people you are not interested in to get that point accross (encourage inviting friends to the outings, mention other interests, don't get back to them all the time, etc...)

3. And there are certain things you don't do to people you are interested in (tell them you want to talk to your ex instead of hanging out with them...!)

 

 

I'm the type of person who tends to lead myself on, so I'm trying not to. I guess it's just been a little confusing... She tends to do 1, 2, and 3 in the list above. It's just so weird to have a -hard- time trying to get this girl to hang out, and then when we do, have random playful flirtation. It's weird that just 4-5 days ago after a b-ball game she was doing the same little flirtation type stuff (Help its muddy! get me accross the field by holding on to my arm, etc...ya know what i mean guys) I finally got up the balls and asked her out on a date at the time, and she said "Yeah, it will depend on studying but we should do that soon!". Which is just weird...I mean, I know the japanese word "de-tou" (Americanized version of the word "date") isn't TOO much different in nuance. I explained the term "no mans land", and the slang that could explain an uncertain relationship between a man and a girl to her, made some jokes about us and she kinda laughed and was like "yeah, I know what you mean." I pretty much flat out told her "Yeah, Not really sure where we stand, like what I should be doing haha "etc.... her response was pretty much "I dunno about that but I do know I want to hang out more!"

 

It's just so weird to have a couple of those kind of positive, flirty, fun experiences with someone, and then constantly get discouraged from hanging out.

 

I know at one point in time, maybe 2-3 weeks ago when I barely knew her, 2-3 of my friends and her were talking about breaks up and she had mentioned she still had feeling for her ex (guy that dumped her when she came here like 7 months ago). Also, we've always had really good conversation and talked about interpersonal subjects quite a bit in a very agreeable manner.

 

The truth without pessimism or optimism clouding judgment (I imagine) is that she is somewhat interested/attracted to me, but still having feelings for her ex who lives in Japan, and is acknowledging the fact she will have to go back to her country after a few months anyway. Thus making her not emotionally available to someone she doesn't know that well.

 

After careful consideration, I've decided not to push the subject and not to chase her around. It sucks, but it is what it is.

 

 

 

It's so weird/mixed up. It's like "oh boy there she is. Oh hey, we are having a really good time. She's being kinda flirty, etc... we had even kissed before. This seems to be going well" coupled with, at the exact same time "she never really contacts me, she doesn't get back to me at all sometimes, she mentions talking to her ex-boyfriend and studying rather than going out together like we planned...". It's so weird to write these facts down, read them, and literally have 2 completely opposite, different feelings about the whole situation as I read these sentences to myself.

 

I guess I will just not contact her, be friendly if I see her, and stop worrying about it.

 

The worst part - liking someone who likes you (I think) but doesn't like you enough, or at the right time

[annie24]

The truth without pessimism or optimism clouding judgment (I imagine) is that she is somewhat interested/attracted to me, but still having feelings for her ex who lives in Japan, and is acknowledging the fact she will have to go back to her country after a few months anyway. Thus making her not emotionally available to someone she doesn't know that well.

 

After careful consideration, I've decided not to push the subject and not to chase her around. It sucks, but it is what it is.

 

This might be best. Even when you asked her a direct question, she was pretty evasive. it's hard to deal with a person like that. really impossible to have a real relationship.

[Ryguy786]

This might be best. Even when you asked her a direct question, she was pretty evasive. it's hard to deal with a person like that. really impossible to have a real relationship.

 

Very true.

Ah well. I won't chase her and maybe she will come around, maybe she won't. I guess if I'm not living in her head I shouldn't let her live in mine.

[Stay_home]

Because that is what I've noticed of their culture. Much more laid back and less expressive. I'm not saying you need to agree or disagree with me. I cited my personal experience.

 

I'm just telling you that a lot of women are like this. I just met one a couple weeks ago and she was black. It's just a personality trait that some people have.

[Ryguy786]

She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to study, so we did. She did all the usual playful things / physical contact (Pushing around while laughing, etc) Helped her with an essay and she suggested at future/unclear plans going to get some stuff from a store near my house. Also confirmed/invited me to play on her bball team. She also mentioned she was trying to call me on Sunday to come have a cig and talk but couldn't get through - showed me her phone where she was trying to call me asking me why I ignored her - I actually didnt get any calls cause my phone was probably dead at the time/out of service or something. Was kind of surprised.

 

 

Then I tried to talk to her online today asked if she wanted to have a cig but she said she was sick and such and not going to her bball game. Seemed either out of it (sick)/ or uninterested. got off without saying anything.

Seems like she is either very poor at communicating in a non verbal setting, is confused/unsure herself, or is maliciously flirting in order to gain...something?

I chose to leave her be and now she is, slowly and sometimes, trying to hang out.

 

Any ideas about this kind of thing?

I mean, you don't slap someone in the stomach and laugh when they are stretching, or playfully shove/laugh/poke people you have no interest in. But at the same time, you generally like to hang out with people you are interested in.

 

Half the time I feel like I should try calling her up to do something, and the other half the time I feel like I should just forget about it.

 

What would be the best way to encourage her to pursue something if she wants without putting a bunch of weird pressure on her?

[Shudder]

sounds like she's messing with you. when you don't give her attention, she comes to you, when you do she backs away.

 

someone who is really into you won't be all hot one minute and cold then next for multiple times.

[LAYAAN]

Thats what I was going to say. I'm south Asian, tried to date a white guy and boy he was frustrated with me. His white guy friend told him later "I have sworn I would never go near another Asian woman. The cultural difference is just too much to overcome."

[Ryguy786]

sounds like she's messing with you. when you don't give her attention, she comes to you, when you do she backs away.

 

someone who is really into you won't be all hot one minute and cold then next for multiple times.

 

I really figured everything was done an over and I'd let this thread die.

 

On thursday, the day after my last post, she ended up contacting me and saying some interesting things. She said things like "yeah i wanna come have a cig but my friends are with me...hmm.." and so on. She eventually came over to the library where I was studying and we hung out and smoked and Bsed with her and her friends. Later on I left and she sent me a text apologizing that her friends were there, and that felt sorry because of her feelings. I asked what feelings and she said "can't say haha". I tried to not pay much attention to it.

The next day was Friday Halloween party night, and I met up with her and her friends at the bar party we all went to. We ended up going off together to another bar and hanging out all night, dancing, having a good time, etc... and eventually ended the night sitting on my lap making out...

 

I was really surprised but pleased with all this.

 

The next day (this last saturday) we went to her dorm and hung out, played piano, etc...it was great. She started talking about this other guy that likes her, and that threw me off. She said that she didn't know what to do about it. I eventually just had to ask her where we stood and said I'd like to casually date exclusively. She said that she still had feelings for her ex in Japan, and that she wanted to deal with this other guy. She apologized and explained that for a while she's set the goal that she would decide what to do on her Birthday (this weekend), and I could do what I wanted because she doesn't know what she wants. I said okay, explained how I felt about it, and ended up texting her that night explaining my feelings more clearly. I can't believe she would invite me up to her dorm room, flirt and semi-cuddle, and then drop a bomb like that.

 

She said we should study the next day. She ditched, saying she was tired and just going to study in her room. I didn't talk to her/contact her yesterday.

 

I drove by and saw her and the guy that likes her outside talking. I texted her asking what she was up to tonight, and she never got back to me.

 

Essentially, I feel COMPLETELY played. She told me while hanging out that she her feelings had been developing for me. She made out with me for a second time, flirted heavily, etc...

 

I'm angry and hurt that someone would actually play with me like this - and that's how I felt the first time before she came calling around again.

 

I'm already guessing that everyone's answer is going to be something along the lines of "Don't bother with this girl"...

 

Maybe cause I know it's true that I should just give up and never contact her...

Seems like a lot of baggage...

 

Don't know why things can't be easier =\