Regret after removing her from Facebook

[Lukkien]

Hello ladies/gentlemen,

 

I'm a guy who has met a wonderful girl. Over the course of a couple of months we grew quite close together and we've made love a number of times. I thought this woman would be someone who I'd spend at least a big portion of my life with, though I never expressed those emotions.

 

Then she ignored me for a couple of weeks. I'm unsure why, but I thought maybe I had done something wrong so I didn't push it. We talked again and she told me she doesn't love me, but instead loves her ex still and it didn't feel the same. Gutted.

 

I was unsure how to deal with this that day. I remained calm and collective throughout our conversation because I was at a loss for words. The next day I removed her from Facebook and sent her a message that I had to deal with this and that I still considered her a friend. She never replied to that message.

 

Now I'm wondering if I've made a huge mistake in cutting her off from my life for the time being. She lives in a different city, so we won't bump into each other. For some reason I have the feeling that if I hadn't done that, the chance of us eventually working out would've been higher. I feel like an idiot for doing something so abruptly. Moreover, how do I establish contact again with her? I'd be lying if I said I wanted to be her friend. I want her as my girlfriend.

 

(I'm sorry if this is the wrong board for this)

[DylanNotorious]

No you did the right thing, for it will be her down the track, that will wonder if letting you go was a big mistake.

[remster]

If i were you mate i would just ignore it and move on, i know its not easy. If she was interested she will contact you again to re-ignite things. If you keep contacting her now you will never have any chance again (trust me i did just that). Honestly if its to be she will contact you. You may have been her rebound which is never nice, she must be still attached to the ex. She needs to get over that first before anything else will happen.

 

Hope that helps somewhat.

[Dubb]

That was the way to go. She used you to and in the process hurt you. I see it all the time. People are just so weak. Nothing good will come from you too being in contact until you're healed.

[Eocsor]

Don't contact her. You were a rebound for her. As much as it sucks you need to move on with dignity. You can't be friends with someone you still have romantic feelings for. It will lead to pauin and suffering for you. Go out with class and just keep on moving.

[Lukkien]

No you did the right thing, for it will be her down the track, that will wonder if letting you go was a big mistake.

 

Thank you for your words. But right now I'm wondering what I could've done differently to not have lost her. It's been on my mind these past couple of days. Going over every single little detail with my time spent with her. I have no clue. It was one of the things I wanted to ask her - what did I do wrong?

 

If i were you mate i would just ignore it and move on, i know its not easy. If she was interested she will contact you again to re-ignite things. If you keep contacting her now you will never have any chance again (trust me i did just that). Honestly if its to be she will contact you. You may have been her rebound which is never nice, she must be still attached to the ex. She needs to get over that first before anything else will happen.

 

Hope that helps somewhat.

 

Thank you. I was close to calling her up just now and apologize but I decided I shouldn't do that. As you said, if she was interested she would contact me again. But now I'm scared she won't contact me again. Ever. I'm a guy who has a lot of things going for him. Her ex doesn't. I cannot for the life of me figure out why she doesn't want me and it's driving me crazy. I don't think there's ever been a girl I wanted as badly as this and it's driving me up the wall.

 

@Dubb/Eocsor: see my reply above. I've been nothing but a gentleman to her. This wasn't in a needy or clingy way either. I treated her with respect, teased her and made her laugh. As I said in my reply above: I'm a good looking (gym/martial arts), funny and witty guy who goes to a good university and will land a high paying job as soon as I graduate in a year's time. All I know about her ex is that he's lied to her on a number of occasions, doesn't find her physically attractive (she's a bit chubby, but I love that about her), is depressed and is stuck in a menial job.

 

I'm sorry if I sound bitter. I am.

[RitaTrue]

Removing from FB is always a hard, BUT NEEDED, move.

 

Initially, you'll felt regret. That's normal. You'll have to tough these feelings out for the next 2-3 days. After that, you'll feel MUCH BETTER. But you'll have to man up during that time. Meaning, dont delete and then re-add. Just delete him once. Deal with the feelings as they come, and tough it out.

 

It'll all get better. Just stick with it for 2-3 days, then you'll be GLAD you did it.

[Eocsor]

You could have done absolutely nothing to keep her. When someone has unresolved romantic issues with an ex you will always lose. It's a sad fact of life, but being a rebound sucks. All you are is an emotional crutch who they will eventually tire of. It doesn't matter how nice or smart or good looking you are. The only thing that matters to them is that you aren't the person they really want, their ex.

[Lukkien]

Removing from FB is always a hard, BUT NEEDED, move.

 

Initially, you'll felt regret. That's normal. You'll have to tough these feelings out for the next 2-3 days. After that, you'll feel MUCH BETTER. But you'll have to man up during that time. Meaning, dont delete and then re-add. Just delete him once. Deal with the feelings as they come, and tough it out.

 

It'll all get better. Just stick with it for 2-3 days, then you'll be GLAD you did it.

 

I felt regret because I thought I might've upset her. We ended on amicable terms that night and the next day I removed her from Facebook. It was a moment of stupidity; if I could do it again I wouldn't have in hindsight. Sigh.

 

You could have done absolutely nothing to keep her. When someone has unresolved romantic issues with an ex you will always lose. It's a sad fact of life, but being a rebound sucks. All you are is an emotional crutch who they will eventually tire of. It doesn't matter how nice or smart or good looking you are. The only thing that matters to them is that you aren't the person they really want, their ex.

 

Yeah, a friend of mine told me that too. If she still loves her ex, it's game over.

 

Right now I'm reeling. I want to be with her and I can't stand the thought of her ex, or anyone else for that matter, to be intimate with her. Or for her to love someone else. Yes, that sounds scary. No, I'm not a psychopath. I've just not met anyone like her before. I was thinking too far ahead, but I thought she would be the future mrs. surname. We'd have a huge mansion, 3 kids and 2 dogs in England.

 

It's been a couple of days since I've spoken to her. Would it be unwise of me to call her up in a months or two months time for a catch up? It would be near the Christmas holidays. I'm clutching at straws. I'm sorry.

[Eocsor]

Until you are at the point where contact with her won't have a negative emotional impact on you, I'd leave her be. I know it's really hard right now but just work on healing yourself without any thought of her coming back. Let the future take care of itself.

[jooj]

I think that you did the right thing and that you should move on. She is not interested in you and she made that clear.

[AutumnBorn]

Lukkien, you not only did the right thing, you did the only thing that would make her think twice about what she did. She rejected you. You rejected her in turn. The person who wants the relationship least holds the power.

 

What would remaining FB friends do other than provide new and unique ways of self-torture for you? She's not your friend. She's your ex. Remember that and don't doubt yourself again. If it was right at the time, it's right now.

 

How long ago was the break up for you two and last contact? How long ago was the break up with her ex?

[RitaTrue]

You're still to HER-focused. Which, is common, among dumpees, ironically.

 

It is a good decision to remove her. But you dont want to, because you haven't severed your umbilical chord to the relationship.

[Lukkien]

I'm sorry for the late replies, I've been trying to keep myself busy.

 

You're still to HER-focused. Which, is common, among dumpees, ironically.

 

It is a good decision to remove her. But you dont want to, because you haven't severed your umbilical chord to the relationship.

 

What do you mean by umbilical cord? I've removed her from Facebook, msn, skype and I have deleted her number, her pictures - everything. I wrote her number down on a piece of paper and taped that in my diary with a warning attached to it, should I ever want to contact her again.

 

Until you are at the point where contact with her won't have a negative emotional impact on you, I'd leave her be. I know it's really hard right now but just work on healing yourself without any thought of her coming back. Let the future take care of itself.

 

That is what scares me at the moment. I want her to come back to me. I cut off contact (Facebook/msn/skype), but as I said in a previous post I'm scared she'll never contact me again. It's easy to say then that she might not be worth my while, but I don't know. She was just so...great. I feel like I am missing out.

 

I think that you did the right thing and that you should move on. She is not interested in you and she made that clear.

 

I'm grasping at straws here and I'm trying to understand the female mind with logic, so bear with me here. In our last conversation she told me a couple of the following things (recalling from memory):

• I don't even know what I want
  
• I just want to be alone for a long time
  
• I want my own space
  
• I met my ex again and it was horrible
  
• I like you
  
• I love [ex] and I don't love you
  
• It's been two years since I've met [ex] and every time I see him I love him a bit more. It didn't feel the same with you.
  

 

We had an amazing time together in my opinion. I just do not know how or even why she's still hung up on her idiot ex-boyfriend.

 

Lukkien, you not only did the right thing, you did the only thing that would make her think twice about what she did. She rejected you. You rejected her in turn. The person who wants the relationship least holds the power.

 

What would remaining FB friends do other than provide new and unique ways of self-torture for you? She's not your friend. She's your ex. Remember that and don't doubt yourself again. If it was right at the time, it's right now.

 

How long ago was the break up for you two and last contact? How long ago was the break up with her ex?

 

I've known her for a while now. We started talking/flirting in May this year. She broke up with her ex in December last year. Her ex had a mental breakdown after seeing how she had progressed with her life after he was out of the picture and broke down crying in front of her asking her to take him back. They 'dated' on/off throughout April-June this year. She ended it completely after asking him what he wanted and if he still loved her. This idiot didn't have a clue what to say to that so she ended it. A couple of weeks after that we started getting somewhat serious.

 

The last contact I've had with her was this Monday when I spoke to her and she told me she didn't love me. The day after I removed her from Facebook.

 

I've been dying to know whether or not she's thinking about me. About us. About why she ended it. About why she couldn't love me instead of her ex. I've been...

[AutumnBorn]

Lukkien, you want to know how the female mind thinks? I'll tell you.

 

When she says she loves him and doesn't love you, but she likes you, she means she can't control her feelings. She knows you're worthy of being loved, but she can no more control her feelings than she could sprout wings and fly.

 

She wants to be alone because she can't have things just as she wants them. She'd rather not have the pressure of dating right now.

 

Rest assured, she is thinking about you. Honestly, though, she's thinking more about herself. We're all naturally selfish. We want to please others because it feels good to us to do so.

 

My advice is to continue to stay busy, to take very good care of yourself, and to stay out of her way. In the meantime, plan to become fascinating. I think the key to healing is to become the best version of yourself --- and after you do, rest assured, she'll look at you with fresh eyes and think "damn...I let that go?" By then, you'll look at her and think "thank God I got away". I promise.

[Mesemene]

You did the right thing, I agree with everyone on that.

 

From the sounds of it, she really hadn't dealt completely with her ex-issues. You got caught in the middle of her trying to heal - doubt it was malicious, but that doesn't change the fact that it caused you pain because she really wasn't ready to enter into any kind of relationship with anyone.

 

It's a lose-lose situation for you to keep up any contact with her. I agree with Autumn - let her work out her issues - you carry on with getting yourself back together, and you'll find someone who will love you for you, not just take your care and love when they can't return it.

[Cadence44]

I agree with the others that you did the right thing even though it doesn't feel like it. You've shown that you have strength and that you can place boundaries on how you'll allow yourself to be treated and those are attractive qualities.

 

Let's take a look at how this could play out -

 

Hypothetical scenario #1:

Let's say that what you hope will happen actually does happen: she feels like she made a mistake with you and wants to try again. At that point when she looks back at what happened, do you really think that your deleting her off of Facebook will be a big deal compared with her breaking your heart? She might be worried that you don't want to talk to her, but if she misses you enough to want to reconcile she'll be brave and contact you. Facebook deletion: inconsequential.

 

Hypothetical scenario #2:

What you hope will happen doesn't happen: she never feels like she made a mistake and she moves on with her life completely. You've just saved yourself a lot of heartache. Look at all the posts on Enotalone about exes who posted some "symbolic" status update, or posted pictures making out with someone new... you've just avoided having to see all of those things that will set you back in healing. Facebook deletion: beneficial.

 

Hypothetical scenario #3:

She's bored and not sure about her future. She hasn't met anyone new and wants some attention, but doesn't want to try again with you. She doesn't have easy access to contact you, and the lack of easy access just to mess with you (even if the messing with you is unintentional) will deter her. Facebook deletion: ultimately beneficial.

 

In summary, stop focusing on deleting her from Facebook. Your mind is fighting with you right now and wants to feel like it's in control of what's happened so it has fixated on that one action that you took. In reality, keeping her on Facebook would not affect the outcome and all it would do in the meantime is cause you unnecessary pain.

[Lukkien]

Thank you all for the very lucid replies. They have been most helpful.

 

[snipped]

She wants to be alone because she can't have things just as she wants them. She'd rather not have the pressure of dating right now.

 

Rest assured, she is thinking about you. Honestly, though, she's thinking more about herself. We're all naturally selfish. We want to please others because it feels good to us to do so.

 

Thanks for your words, AutumnBorn. She's the type of person who'll put others above herself. At least she did, up to a certain point.

 

For some reason I'm thinking of a specific section of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet:

Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;

Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;

Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears.

What is it else? A madness most discreet,

A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.

 

I don't know what else to say to your message, so I'll leave it for now.

 

You did the right thing, I agree with everyone on that.

 

From the sounds of it, she really hadn't dealt completely with her ex-issues. You got caught in the middle of her trying to heal - doubt it was malicious, but that doesn't change the fact that it caused you pain because she really wasn't ready to enter into any kind of relationship with anyone.

 

It's a lose-lose situation for you to keep up any contact with her. I agree with Autumn - let her work out her issues - you carry on with getting yourself back together, and you'll find someone who will love you for you, not just take your care and love when they can't return it.

 

Caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to know how she's doing, what's going through her mind, but it would hit me pretty hard if she instantly rebounded to someone else, or if she's keeping up appearances on Facebook with party pictures/cryptic status updates.

 

I agree with the others that you did the right thing even though it doesn't feel like it. You've shown that you have strength and that you can place boundaries on how you'll allow yourself to be treated and those are attractive qualities.

 

Let's take a look at how this could play out -

 

Hypothetical scenario #1:

Let's say that what you hope will happen actually does happen: she feels like she made a mistake with you and wants to try again. At that point when she looks back at what happened, do you really think that your deleting her off of Facebook will be a big deal compared with her breaking your heart? She might be worried that you don't want to talk to her, but if she misses you enough to want to reconcile she'll be brave and contact you. Facebook deletion: inconsequential.

 

Hypothetical scenario #2:

What you hope will happen doesn't happen: she never feels like she made a mistake and she moves on with her life completely. You've just saved yourself a lot of heartache. Look at all the posts on Enotalone about exes who posted some "symbolic" status update, or posted pictures making out with someone new... you've just avoided having to see all of those things that will set you back in healing. Facebook deletion: beneficial.

 

Hypothetical scenario #3:

She's bored and not sure about her future. She hasn't met anyone new and wants some attention, but doesn't want to try again with you. She doesn't have easy access to contact you, and the lack of easy access just to mess with you (even if the messing with you is unintentional) will deter her. Facebook deletion: ultimately beneficial.

 

In summary, stop focusing on deleting her from Facebook. Your mind is fighting with you right now and wants to feel like it's in control of what's happened so it has fixated on that one action that you took. In reality, keeping her on Facebook would not affect the outcome and all it would do in the meantime is cause you unnecessary pain.

 

Thank you for this amazing reply about my Facebook crisis! You're right about scenario #2/3, those would be very painful to read. I'm still somewhat pining for scenario #1.

 

I'm feeling a bit better now, but every time my phone rings or I receive a text I hope it's her. This feeling has passed somewhat the past couple of days, but it was very intense the first few days after I had deleted her from Facebook.

 

There's really not all that much more to say. The only thing that's been in my mind is this. I really loved being around her, because I could just be myself. Right now I've been doubting whether or not I did everything right. I was re-running dialogue I've had with her in my mind and interjecting my lines with thought out lines, instead of spur of the moment ones. I was even re-running every single time we've made love. Wondering if I should've done Y instead of Z. Should've, would've, could've. Alas. The answer to that will remain a mystery I suppose.

 

I'll start focusing on myself for a while and try to keep her out of my head. I put in my diary that the earliest date I'd contact her would be in the middle of November, a week after her exam period. Unless she contacts me first, which for some reason I highly doubt.

That's not set in stone yet either. I'll post about it here again I think.

 

Addendum: for some reason, after having posted this just now, my mind is telling me to contact her. To apologize. I ditched her after she told me she didn't love me. I feel like an absolute arse now. That's also probably the reason she didn't contact me again, because she thinks I'm a tosser. Sigh.

[Mesemene]

Addendum: for some reason, after having posted this just now, my mind is telling me to contact her. To apologize. I ditched her after she told me she didn't love me. I feel like an absolute arse now. That's also probably the reason she didn't contact me again, because she thinks I'm a tosser. Sigh.

 

Honestly, I can't think of any other reasonable reaction to someone saying "I just don't love you (that way)" or "I'm just not in love with you." And anything else - unless you're an absolute pure saint - you'd be lying to yourself to say "oh, that's ok, we can still be friends!" At a certain point you have to be true to yourself, and protect yourself within reason. Pouring love and affection into someone who isn't able to give back isn't reasonable.

 

If she wanted someone to worship at her feet disregarding his own feelings, she'd have a spaniel puppy. I sincerely doubt she can honestly expect a human would find the same thing acceptable, and I'm sure she didn't expect a positive reaction from her statement.

[RitaTrue]

I'm sorry for the late replies, I've been trying to keep myself busy.

 

 

 

What do you mean by umbilical cord? I've removed her from Facebook, msn, skype and I have deleted her number, her pictures - everything. I wrote her number down on a piece of paper and taped that in my diary with a warning attached to it, should I ever want to contact her again.

 

OP, before I answer that, why would you say that removing her from your friend's list was a bad decision, if you've already done these things mentioned above. They accomplish the same thing: removing her from your life.

[Lukkien]

Honestly, I can't think of any other reasonable reaction to someone saying "I just don't love you (that way)" or "I'm just not in love with you." And anything else - unless you're an absolute pure saint - you'd be lying to yourself to say "oh, that's ok, we can still be friends!" At a certain point you have to be true to yourself, and protect yourself within reason. Pouring love and affection into someone who isn't able to give back isn't reasonable.

 

If she wanted someone to worship at her feet disregarding his own feelings, she'd have a spaniel puppy. I sincerely doubt she can honestly expect a human would find the same thing acceptable, and I'm sure she didn't expect a positive reaction from her statement.

 

I'm not sure what she expected. I think for ME it was the best thing to do to break off all contact, but looking back at what she shared and what I know from friends, she doesn't exactly have an easy life. I'm just wondering if I should've been there for her as a friend instead. But at the same time, I don't want to be someone else's psychiatrist either - especially not when I have (strong) feelings for this person.

 

I was also thinking that this might all be a test on her part. To test how much I love her and how much I'd be willing to sacrifice for her. Don't even ask me why that was going through my head.

 

OP, before I answer that, why would you say that removing her from your friend's list was a bad decision, if you've already done these things mentioned above. They accomplish the same thing: removing her from your life.

 

See above. I thought it'd make me a bad person to leave someone I spent a fair amount of time with and I got to know first as a friend. That's not what friends do. A friend of hers confided in me yesterday that he thinks she's going 'off the rails' and will probably have a mental breakdown soon enough. He's also telling me she's been posting cryptic Facebook status updates. I can't view her wall since I'm no longer her friend. Point being, I don't want to have been a part of hurting her.

 

Beyond that, I think that even if I hadn't removed her from Facebook etc, we still wouldn't talk. It'd be keeping up appearances at best.

 

I hope this makes sense.

[RitaTrue]

Truth be told, her mental state seems to be cracking. How much so, only you and her friends know. You can only heal yourself. And like you've said, being a psychiatrist for your ex is no easy task.

 

I imagine you've already tried being friends for some amount of time, perhaps. If not, you've lost nothing. If you're really friends, you can rebuild your friendship, more level-headedly and platonically, after NC. If you have already tried being friends post break-up, then you know how HARD it is, when you still have feelings for them. I speak from experience as well.

Either way, in being friends, or in NC, you WILL experience pain. But you need to decide which pain you want.

 

You'll either get the pain that comes with hoping your friendship will form something more along with the pain of them using you for your boyfriend benefits, with no appropriate boundaries that come with that. And you delay healing. Plus, like you said, you'd only be keeping up appearances.

 

On the other hand, in NC you experience the pain that comes with where you are right now: initial regret, but also the pain of mourning a loss. The difference between the two pains is that NC is a redemptive pain: it is reconstructive to help YOU become better. With the friendship pain, you'll always need a tourniquet because you'll always be bleeding on the floor.

 

You cannot save her, unfortunately. Just like you, she has to make her own decision to move on. And you cannot guilt yourself anymore. Whether or not she heals, is up to her. Moving forward from someone is SOLELY a personal responsibility.

 

When you're going through hell like you, keep going.

[Lukkien]

I always considered myself to be a strong willed person, so I never thought I'd be in a position like this; being rejected by a girl and being emotionally upset about this.

 

I haven't tried being friends with her after the break-up. It's been exactly a week since I've removed her from Facebook. I haven't contacted her since and the initial sadness of 'losing' her has come and gone. While I truly do care about her as a person, I don't think she'd be willing to confide in me right now. So basically I'd be trying to be a good friend, but she'd keep me at arms length. And as you said, I'd be in constant pain; hoping she'd contact me again and telling me she made a mistake. That said, you are correct in assuming I'd want the friendship to evolve into something more. But I cannot and will not wait around for her forever.

I thought about this for a good day after her friend told me he thought she was going crazy. But at the same time, her problems are self-inflicted. Only she can help herself. If she wants my help, I'll be there for her, but I'm not going to make myself available 24/7 if she's not my girlfriend.

 

Truth be told I'm already getting angry at the fact she rejected me in favour of an ex-boyfriend she isn't even with.

 

Thank you for your advice, RitaTrue.

[Lukkien]

Sigh.

 

No, I haven't contacted her again. Nor has she contacted me.

 

A friend of mine just told me that he had a chat with her the other day. She's apparently developed a new interest in someone. A guy. A hippy.

 

Disgusting.

 

I'm at a loss for words. It hasn't even been two weeks since she said she didn't love me and wanted space.

 

I guess one of the earlier posters was right; I was nothing more than a rebound.

 

I wanted to post more, but for some reason only swear words are popping in my mind right now. None of them pleasant.

 

Ugh.

[chr8st8na]

You know seriously, if I was the girl and you did that to me... I would want you more but that doesnt mean I will contact you. So let her have in the back of her mind that maybe she probably let a good thing slip away.

 

Also you say you have a lot going on... I wonder if the girl is as secure as you?? Maybe that could play a role in why she choose the guy with nothing going for him.

 

You did the right thing by deleting her from FB, and you left her a courteous message as to why. I'm thinking that maybe this girl just does not like to be alone and is prob. hopping from one guy to another. This is definitely not your type, right? Because it looks like you can withstand the loneliness and deal with your problems before being mentally & emotionally ready for a relationship.