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The first time...


SillyGirl1

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Hi all,

 

I guess the first time I really STOPPED trusting the boyfriend (of 2 1/2 years) was when I snooped through is phone. His family is from a different town that the one we live in so he goes to visit "regularly."

It has been two and a half years NOW that we have been "dating," or, living together. He went to visit his family in March. He was there for one weekend. He has about 489349237974291 friends who live there. I asked him if he got to see any of them while he was there, he said "No, none at all, I just stayed at my folks house, hung out with them and my sister and her baby came over and I got to see them, it was quiet and nice."

Well, I snooped...

I saw text messages in his phone from a girl named ______

The transcript read,

 

"Where are you at?" - him

"I'll be there in a bit, sit in the back, put your beers on my tab" - her

"Okay."

 

Then another set said,

 

"It was great getting to come pick you up from the park, I loved smoking with you!" - her

"It was great to see you, as always." - him.

 

That is when the trust was broken, I haven't recovered.

Is it normal not to have recovered from such a bastard move?

I feel weak, insecure, and jealous...

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Did you talk to him at all about it?

Firstly, you shouldn't be snooping through his phone. But now that the damage is done and you found something suspicious, you should talk about it. He may or may not get angry. It might be nothing. But you'll never get answers if you don't fess up and talk about your concerns

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I had a similar thing happen. He was flirting with an ex via text...It was hard to recover as well. I wouldn't like my bf lying about drinking with another woman either, and it sounds like they were smoking up as well. Most will say yes you shouldn't be snooping, but he shouldn't be lying. I don't buy the idea that you shouldn't be snooping, personally. When I am in a relationship a guy could go through my phone as I have nothing to hide.

 

If I had to go through it again, I would hire a private investigator. Let someone else do the dirty work. If you have been living with a guy for a few years, the next step is marriage. I'd rather pay the investigator than the divorce lawyer.

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Why did you go through his phone in the first place?

 

The texts sound harmless, unless you know for sure that this person is a fling, or unless he had previously agreed not to see this particular person. Otherwise, she sounds like a friend. He probably lied because he knew you would have this reaction if he told you about it.

 

Not to be harsh, but it sounds like you snooped for no reason, found something, and drew unnecessary conclusions about it. Your imagination ran away with you because you were looking for anything suspicious. That tends to happen to anyone who snoops (I've done it before, and it is a VERY bad idea).

 

So, lesson learned. If I were you, I would a) Stop snooping, period. And b) Have a conversation with him about honesty. Ask him if there's any reason he would feel uncomfortable telling you about something like this. Don't be accusatory or confrontational. It's possible that he just felt that you would get very jealous if he told you he went to hang out with this girl, and it sounds like he was justified.

 

Also, you have no way of knowing for sure if they hung out alone. They could have met up with other people.

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Well what would you rather do? Be a Stepford wife and pretend it didn't happen?

 

Well, if you're assuming that all men cheat, then we're not on the same page... And if I feel like he's being unfaithful i'm not going to look through his phone.. I'm going straight to the source. I feel that looking through someone's phone without their knowledge is very passive-aggressive.

 

Also, i agree with Tof that he might have worried that you might make assumptions if he told you that he would be hanging out with a friend who is a girl. Which doesn't make it right, of course, but maybe an ex of his was like that and he learned to just not mention it. The possibilities are literally endless.

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Personally, I wouldn't feel threatened by those messages. "Where are you at?" and "Hey! It was nice seeing you" are not flirty in the least. They sound like messages to a buddy. Now... if it said "hey, baby, I'm waiting for you" and "oh, I missed you so much" - I'd be a bit concerned. But what you found? Not really.

 

Is it possible she's he's dealer in that town, he was meeting up with her to pickup pot (hence the "where you at", "I'm late get a beer on me" and "it was nice smoking with you"?

 

I think you should fess up, tell him what you did and ask who she is.

 

This is why you shouldn't snoop, btw... because you are looking at things out of context and never really know what you are looking at.

 

I think this one could be 100% innocent.

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I told him that I snooped and saw that on his phone. He said that he didn't tell me that he hung out with her because he was afraid that I would get jealous. I guess I was in the wrong, eh?

I have lied about hanging out with people so that he doesn't get jealous.

 

Does everyone do that? Jeez, people are really stupid. Most of the time.

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I know it's already a done deal... but I really don't understand the logic behind lying to someone so that they don't get jealous.

 

If my bf tells me he is hanging out with some girl... I may not like it... but if it's appropriate (ie: they are genuinely friends), I will see the pattern over time and learn to accept this girl as a friend. OR I will realize it's inappropriate and it needs to be dealt with (either by cutting her out or leaving myself).

 

If my bf lies to me about some girl... innocent or not, I'd be MAD and wonder even MORE why he'd feel the need to hide it.

 

Innocent people don't need to hide innocent things.

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I told him that I snooped and saw that on his phone. He said that he didn't tell me that he hung out with her because he was afraid that I would get jealous. I guess I was in the wrong, eh?

I have lied about hanging out with people so that he doesn't get jealous.

 

Does everyone do that? Jeez, people are really stupid. Most of the time.

 

No - not everyone lies. And it's not jealously - you're doing something wrong if you're lying about hanging out with ex's - you're lying to cover your tracks.

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No - not everyone lies. And it's not jealously - you're doing something wrong if you're lying about hanging out with ex's - you're lying to cover your tracks.

 

I don't think that's necessarily true in all cases. Also, I don't think the OP mentioned that this girl was an ex..

 

Sometimes, couples establish patterns with one another that motivates this type of lying, even if no foul play has taken place. For example, if the OP always starts a fight/gets on her boyfriend's case every time he tells her that he's going to hang out with a female (even if he's just seeing her as a platonic friend), then eventually he's going to start avoiding that whole scenario by just omitting that information. It's a lose-lose for him: If he tells her that he's going to hang out with his female friend, then his girlfriend is going to cause drama, putting unnecessary strain on the relationship; if he doesn't tell her and she finds out by snooping, then he will get in trouble for hiding it (because he MUST have been cheating, right?). So he goes for the former option in the hopes that she won't find out, not because there's been foul play, but because he's hoping to avoid the drama and just hang out with his friend without any fear of repercussions from his girlfriend.

 

I don't know if this is the dynamic between the OP and her boyfriend. I just wanted to point out that hiding something doesn't always mean there's been infidelity, but rather it may just be a symptom of an unhealthy pattern that's developed in the relationship.

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