Major tension between my wife and I. Some advice please?

[me00900090]

okay here's the situation. She pissed me off royally because I guess i just reached my limit with her how should I say it? stupidity? selfishness? stubbornness? To be more specific, the straw the broke the camel's back was that she knows i can't sleep when she cooks her stinky filipina food. And i had to get some sleep for a night shift. Very annoying when you have to work a night shift with no sleep. Does she care? not really. She sees herself as the victim here becasue big bad man-devil-me yelled at her for putting a stench through the house that makes it impossible to sleep. So, why didn't i just tell her nicely not to cook her awful smelling food when i'm sleeping? well, I have told her time and time and time and time again. I could write it in permanent marker all over the walls and still she would do just do it. You see, this is not just about the stinky food. Her ongoing pattern is when i tell her not to do something, she says okay, but soon she will just do it anyway. I tell her again don't do it, she says okay, only to soon do it anyway. So what's up? did she forget? that's her claim. How is it possible to forget when she's been told so many times. Obviously she feels that what's best is just to say okay, and then do whatever she wants.

 

Well I've just about reached my limit with her. Right now what we are doing is basically not paying any attention to each other. She cooks meals and gives me my food then goes in the other room. I stay in my room watch tv and play video games. This has been going on for about 5 days now, because I have chosen not fix things. You see for 3 years now that we've lived together, whenever we get in a fight, it's up to me to fix it. She plays her silly game of silent treatment and waits for me to come and talk to her, apologize, etc. Basically make peace with her. She thinks she's the master and i'm the little lap dog that will eventually do as she pleases. This time I will not. I'm waiting for her to crack. Or maybe I will just break up with her for good. She's so dumb she doesn't even realize how dangerous the game we are playing is for our relationship. Becasue I might just get used to not showing her the time of day and leave it like this forever, even when she tries to fix it. Every time she goes in her room and closes the door I get pissed off a little bit more. And if she thinks I'm ever having sex with her until she comes begging me for forgiveness, she's very mistaken. I can go a lot longer than her. Truth be told i'm not even attracted to her. She won't be getting anything from me, not a kiss goodbye, she's lucky I even say hi to her when I walk in the door.

 

She likes to play the game of "pretending everything is fine with our relationship" When of course things are very messed up. I used to always tell her where i was going when i go out and when i'll be back. Not anymore. I went to a bar the other evening (not something I often do) and just left. I'm sure in the back of her mind she's wondering if i'm cheating, or looking. Good for her, let her wonder.

 

What a dangerous game she's playing with our relatinship. How could she be so stupid? How did I get in this situation where she thinks she can act like this and that I will fix it everytime? I remember growing up my father was the same way. He basically showed no concern or attention to me and treated me like I was his lap dog. Never in my life have I ever heard my father say he's sorry for anything. At least not in earshot of me. But, I won't get into my relationship with him, because believe me what i went through as a kid was messed up being around that drunk and the rest of my crazy family. And that's why I basically make no effort with my parents whatsoever. Not that they care enough to even pick up the phone to call me. But, i'm better off without them anyway.

 

My common-law wife (yeah we're not technically married) knows my past, she also knows i hate tension in the house because i grew up with it. And she knows I hate when people display passive aggressive behavior. That basically means that she is punishing me in a passive way by not addressing the problems and just ignoring me. Oh and by the way she would never admit to what she's doing. If I asked her why is she going in her room she would never just admit that she's mad at me. Her sadistic game is never punishment without admitting you're trying to punish. * * * * Cheney could have her waterboarded and she will wouldn't admit it. And she knows I hate all this tension, because i grew up with it, and still she treats me like this.

 

There are signs though that she is beginning to crack. She tried to hug me yesterday which I rejected, and then she walked away emotionally upset. It hurt me too because I do love her and I don't want to hurt her. I just want to fix things. Actually I want her to make an effort. Therapy may not be an option, that would require her suggesting it. When she comes to me and is ready to talk it out, I will talk. But she's not coming. So what can I do? We are not legally married and no kids. Splitting up though could be a financial hardship for us. So am I on the right track? Any advice?

[DN]

Why don't you try asking her instead of telling her? Why not try not yelling?

[badcat3]

Maybe she wanted to talk things out yesterday when she tried to hug you but sensed your hostility and backed off. Are you really ready to make up?

[Mesemene]

Every time she goes in her room and closes the door I get pissed off a little bit more. And if she thinks I'm ever having sex with her until she comes begging me for forgiveness, she's very mistaken. I can go a lot longer than her. Truth be told i'm not even attracted to her. She won't be getting anything from me, not a kiss goodbye, she's lucky I even say hi to her when I walk in the door.

 

I'm going to be blunt - it doesn't sound like you see her at all as an equal in this relationship, or that you're even in it for anything but convenience.

 

You're not attracted to her, you don't love her, and nowhere in your post did you say anything about trying to ASK her anything, it was all about how you TELL her to do/not do things.

 

How did you see her in the beginning of the relationship, before the issues became issues? How did you connect with each other?

[Capricorn3]

I see so much hatred and resentment and nothing but negativity. You're not attracted to her at all, you don't seem to love her either, you can't stand her cooking, you won't kiss her goodbye and you don't even want to greet her etc etc. The list goes on and on, so I have a hard time understanding why you are even with her?

 

This sounds like such a hate-filled "relationship" one cannot help but question why you even stay with her. Seeing are you are not technically married, why not just pack your bags and leave? You'll be a lot happier and so will she.

[Ariel85]

You married your Dad to try and work out your relationship with him. As soon as you realize that you picked her to mimick that same dynamic you had with him, the sooner you'll be able to make some changes in your life to bring yourself happiness.

 

This one was easy...