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The ex's b-day in 2 days. To mail or not to mail?

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Hey guys,


Long story short: I was in a very intense relationship with my ex for 1,5 years. We split up a little over a year ago and I've gone NC ever since (we've spoken for a total of 5 minutes maybe for the past year).


I've never hit such rock bottom, and I've never been confronted as much with myself as after the break-up. I've been really bad for a good 6 months. Now I'm much much better. I know we're probably not meant to be together, I have regained a lot of my self-respect and I have accepted that it's probably for the best that we'll never be a couple again, 'cause we wouldn't make each other happy (different life goals, different views of family, work, relationship, etc.).


Still, a tiny part of me still feels hurt, turned down and bitter, and not a worthy man to offer financial but esp. emotional stability and for a woman. I realize that's not her fault, but caused due to a lack of self-respect and self-acceptance I need to work on, but still, it's there. 95 % of me thinks she's a great, nice girl and all in all a good person. I'd also genuinely want her to be friends whenever we've put all of this entirely behind us. I know she wants that too, but up to now, I've always turned her friendship offers down because I felt I wasn't ready and things would still be painful.


I'm thinking of writing her just a casual e-mail this Saturday along the lines of 'hi there, happy birthday. Have fun'.


My honest reasons:


- 50 % because I genuinely want her to have a good time with her friends (or her now boyfriend maybe, who knows).

- 30 % because I don't want to look frustrated and bitter towards my environment (a lot of my friends have befriended her)

- 15 % because of self-respect: I want to be able to show I'm a good, mature and strong person and I've recovered from the break-up.

- 4,9 % of me is still grumpy and doesn't think she deserves my attention after what she did to me

- 0,1 % because I somewhere unconsciously still have romantic (although unrealistic) ideas that we might one day get back together (which, based on facts and our relationship history, would be a bad idea).


To send or not to send? Tell me what you'd do!

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No, it doesn't matter to me if she replies or not. I just want to (for 95% ;-) genuinely wish her a good b-day. Should I respect my 5 % of resistance or should I just accept them. After all, it's not like I want to go to her party or send her a letter or something, I just want to wish her a good day. Thanks for your input!

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It's her birthday so give her what she wants. If you HONESTLY think she wants to hear from you then send her a store bought but nice card. If yours, like many ex's would rather not hear from their ex on their special day, do not send anything, make her birthday present silence from you.

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At this stage it doesn't really matter whether you do or not. A lot of people worry about what their ex will think when in reality they have moved on a long time ago and don't give the person they dumped a second thought.


Even if you do send it, in all likelihood she'll take a quick glance at it, think thats nice, and then forget about it.

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Yeah, I'd probably send it. It sounds like you know where you're at within yourself, so send it, and just be prepared to look after the 0.1% of you that will feel disappointed if she doesn't reply or something. But if it really is that small a part of you, then you should be ok to handle it, and feel better that you've made a kind and friendly gesture in a small but personal way. It's saying happy birthday, nothing more, nothing less.

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Hi guys, thanks for your responses. I am 99% positive she'd like to hear from me on her b-day. It might actually be a good test to see how far I am in my healing process, observing my own reaction when she (probably) doesn't reply.


I think giving her a store-bought card might be awkward. We haven't talked for over a year and when we (quite frequently) run into each other at parties, we just say a friendly hi and say a word or 2, not longer than half a minute usually. I know I'd find it weird to suddenly receive a card from someone who is basically out of my life. As weird as it would be not to send an e-mail, after all, we still have warm friendly feelings for each other, and what we had was pretty intense and meaningful, so not sending anything would be proof of not having accepted it. So I made up my mind, going to send the e-mail. Thanks again, guys! Take care

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I am going to be the lone opposite opinion and say don't contact her. I am speaking form experience. I heard from an ex on my birthday and it actually set me way back. if he wanted me to genuinely have a good time, he wrecked it. I think that if you really want to get in touch with her, wait until you don't care if you "look frustrated and bitter" anymore and its not about self respect or proving anything to anyone. Also, what do you want from this contact? And don't kid yourself?


Can you REALLY be a friend to her or are you hoping to win her back? Be honest. And if she does not want to get back together - will being a friend to her hold you back from starting a new relationship with someone else?


If you have blown off her offers of friendship in the past, and they really ocurred after she did some healing and not during the breakup, as sometimes people just say that..then go for it.

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Hey guys,


thanks again for your replies!


I know assessing one's own feeling's can even be challenging, sometimes you don't even seem to understand yourself


To people who have read previous posts of mine: I know I've been very deep. This was my first serious and really intense relationship, and I have felt very depressed during the months after the break-up.


However, since about 3 to 6 months I'm feeling a lot better. That's mainly because I've done some things for myself. I've been spending a lot of time on which career choice would fit me, and I'm feeling quite happy and motivated with my prospects, doing a challenging job that I like. I'm also living in a house with 2 other guys since 6 months. 1 of them is a mutual friend of my ex, which made things tough sometimes. But recently, a new guy has moved in, who is not attached to her at all. We get along really well, I've reconnected with other friends and I'm feeling better and better. I am at the point where I genuinely realize that my happiness depends on me and how I shape my life, not on my ex's love for me. I'm not saying I have these perfect thoughts 24/24 7/7, but the vast majority of the time, I do think I am in control of my happiness.


I do still realize she was a pretty, smart, fun and nice girl, and a great catch, but I also remind myself of the times there were tensions between us (quite often) and I know we are very different people, with different goals in life and different ideas about work, children, so it would be quite impossible anyway to ever make things work out. That's helped me to finally let loose, and I've accepted the idea that we are heading in different directions, and I wish her well. I do admit that very occassionally, a part of me still fantasizes about what it would be like if we were to get back together, but I think (minor) setbacks are a part of every healing process, and I don't think I am as bad anymore not to allow myself to just congratulate her for her b-day. I also would like to experience what it'd be like to be with a different girl than her, and I think I need that.


Also, this e-mail doesn't mean we should be friends immediately. I don't think I'm 100% ready for that. But I see it as a build-up to a potential friendschip about a year from now. If I'm honest, I think my feelings are pretty genuine. Although not 100% pure, no, but if I have to wait for that, I might as well never wish any ex a happy b-day again, and I think life's too short to keep pondering on minor feelings and issues that are in fact sometimes resurfacing feelings of the past.


If you don't agree, your input is always welcome, and I appreciate it. Thanks again.


PS: her attempt at friendship was about a month after the B-U. But 3 months ago, a mutual friend of us told me she still very much hopes we can be friends. Another month later, a friend of hers told me the same. But I've always neutrally declined, just because I'm convinced I wasn't ready (and I'm still not fully ready). But I do think I'm ready for a b-day wish. She deserves one.

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I just went through the same thing and wish I never did what I did for my ex's birthday. Don't do it. Go NC and make your ex miss you. It's not about you not giving anything to her, it's about your ex realizing what it's like without you and missing you. Don't send anything. I wish I hadn't.

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It's weird sometimes to think that today it seems like I received some little hint what to do tomorrow, from fortune.


As I was riding my bike to work, I crossed my ex, who was riding her bike to work in the opposite direction.


Funny thing is, she was driving a route which was nowhere near the route she normally should take from her appartment, in fact, she shouldn't be on that route at all. On top of that, she was 30 mins late for work, which she normally never is.


Conclusion: she slept somewhere else.


To know that she probably has a boyfriend now (or at least a * * * * buddy), gave me a weird feeling. And I do admit, it makes me care less about her birthday. Knowing this, I don't think I'm going to send anything.


But, on the bright side, this confirms what I already knew: I'm largely over her, but far from completely. I should remain NC for at least 6 more months before *possibly* rekindling a (very) casual friendship. In the meantime, I should just focus on how to make my own life better.


Thanks again for your advice guys, I guess some of you were more right than I could acknowledge.

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I should remain NC for at least 6 more months before *possibly* rekindling a (very) casual friendship. In the meantime, I should just focus on how to make my own life better.


Thanks again for your advice guys, I guess some of you were more right than I could acknowledge.


Hi Manu, you don't really know if your conclusion is correct, but either way it doesn't matter. It seems as if this push/pull of trying to decide what to do is enough to show you need longer. It's a tough situation, but my feeling is that you are right to not go ahead at this point in time.

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Hey LaceWing,


You bring up a very good point, it's probably enough of a sign that you're not ready to communicate when you're thinking and analyzing it all too much.


On the other hand, I feel like I'll be looked at by my social environment as weak and obviously frustrated when I can't even wish her a happy b-day after 1 year. I also think that, by not sending anything, my ex will know that I'm not over her, and I hate coming off as the frustrated one who isn't strong enough to move on. I just feel a bit left out by my environment, 'cause I know a lot of my friends (mutual friends) will be sending her happy b-day wishes. God, I realize now that I'm so not over her yet... Pfff. I need to quit the whino-attitude and focus on myself I guess

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Right now I'm really happy I managed to see just in time that I shouldn't send her a b-day wish.


Haven't talked to her for over a year, so it would be really unnatural and it would seem like I wasn't following my own heart and attitude towards her over the past year. I need to do this for ME. I need to only take into account myself and my own feelings in decisions like these. Besides, she's loving someone else now, so she should be happy with his b-day wishes.


God, reading this I notice how ambiguous and changing my feelings towards her still are lol That is a bummer, but at least now I know that I still need to work a lot to get over this. Gosh, at least it's 100 times better than a year ago.

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Exactly, not to mention it would have especially made me look like a fool. Not talking for a year and then desperately wishing happy birthday out of the blue, knowing I still have feelings for her and that she is probably with another guy now. Right now I just can't answer for myself why I would ever be so disrespectful towards me, what could possibly drive me so far. No one is worth the price of one's own self respect. I'm kissing both of my hands now lol. Thanks for your response btw, loulou.

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