Need some direction, maybe some advise or even criticism.. yes, am a bit lost

[marty73]

Hello from Brisbane, Australia. Ok, to sum it up.. I lived in London, met a girl, we weren't right for each other (we admitted this to each other, it was just a fling), she fell pregnant, I wasn't interested, she harassed me for a r'ship and to give it a go, so I did (I was turning 30, hey, maybe it's meant to be). I ended the r'ship a year later after we got married (for visa reasons to Australia) as I wasn't happy with her and the r'ship (I just wasn't ready) but she begged me to give it another go, so I did (and still regret this decision). We then go through the normal process of buying a house, she falls pregnant again.. and 4 years later it's been a bumpy ride, but the kids and family life-style has been really good and I've stuck around because I adore and love my children (and it hasn't all been that bad). I, myself am a big kid and the kids love me. My wife is very mature, we are very different. I've decided to end the r'ship as friends tell me to stay in an unhappy r'ship for the sake of the children is not healthy... but then she tells me she is pregnant again (my fault, I should have got the snip, but I feel she has let it happen). I'm about to walk out the door, or even just continue on trying to make it work, but her being pregnant again I have turned on her, I don't love her, I resent her, I'm miserable and lost.. my mind says do the right thing, as I have done, but my heart is dead. She expects or hopes for me to hang around. Yes, I have been a lousy husband (but a good father), I have my faults, I've seen a counselor to sort myself out and feel that I am okay, and my wife reminds me it is all my fault (even in the joint counselor sessions), though she does have her faults, but the type of person who is never wrong and never says sorry (her sister tells me she has been like this all her life). I could just grow up and accept what has happened, try and make it work, but am not excited about current events and believe I should pack up and leave, but easier said than done......... your thoughts?

[Frippy83]

Wow. This is complicated. From the sounds of your post, you have both made a few bad decisions. Contraception would be a good idea from here on in. It goes without saying that the children and the most important priority in this situation. As long as you are there for them and fulfil your responsibilities as a father, then you can't go wrong. As for the situation with your wife, we really need to sit down and talk to her. Be honest, tell her don't love her and that you are unhappy. If she is any kind of woman, she wont want to continue the relationship with someone who doesn't love her.

 

You can't just pack your things and leave. You both owe it to one another to sit down like grown ups and see if you can work something out that will suit both of you. It's not going to be easy, she isn't going to be happy, and your life is far from drama free, but you need to start somewhere.

 

You both deserve to be happy at the end of the day, and how you get there, will be dependent upon how maturely you both handle this

[annie24]

I'm kind of wondering how you managed to get harrassed into a relationship? And everytime you try to leave, she gets pregnant. I think it would be good if you went to counseling to try to get your mind sorted out and figure the best thing to do for yourself and your family. If you do decide to split, you should come up with a co-parenting plan.

[abitbroken]

I would ask if there was any way through counseling or just both committing to learning and growing with eachother that you could grow this into a close, loving marriage before you throw in the towel. Maybe try to do romantic things or "date" your wife. If you bring up in counseling that maybe it is best to stop blaming eachother and try something new, maybe you can have a fresh start even if it starts with you giving compliments for how good she is with the kids, etc. In otherwords, choose to fall in love before you consider leaving for good. Personally, i would be there during this pregnancy. As a dad, its something you need to do rather than just walking out of the house at this time. Yes, contraception is key. And its both of you who participated in the getting pregnant part. She didn't just "do it on her own"

[wiseoldwoman]

Love it. You accuse her of being the person who'll never admit she's wrong - while you're blaming her for getting pregnant, because she "let it happen". You certainly had nothing to do with it. Oh wait, you're just a "big kid". You shouldn't have to take responsibility. That's HER job.

 

Being a "big kid" might make your kids like you, but it sure doesn't take care of their needs. Sounds to me like it's time you grow up and accept your role as a father and quit blaming her for something that's equally your fault and problem. No one gets "harassed" into having a relationship, getting married, or having 3 kids. It's choices you made and it's time you take responsibility for your own decisions and quit dumping on her for everything. No wonder she doesn't accept all the blame you're trying to heap on her. No sensible person would. In her shoes, I wouldn't walk away from you, I'd run. Then again, with 3 kids - no make that 4 - she's probably scared * * * * less of the lack of responsibility you'll accept for your kids when you walk out the door. You sound like you'll be one of those guys that thinks you're a great dad because you take your kids to the zoo and waterpark every other weekend and forget that they have to eat, have a place to sleep, clothes on their backs, etc., the rest of the time, too.

[marty73]

Thanks for the constructive replies (except oldwisewoman), and giving me things to think about and some direction.. things are a little better, my head is a little clearer and we just talk and take each day as a small step forward; we're both dealing with this crazy r'ship in our own ways but must move forward together. As for notso-wiseoldwoman, you are very bitter and probably need help moreso than me, good luck with that. Signing off.

[Liraele]

Erm... you know it takes two to make a baby, right? I'm guessing you do, since you have 2 kids already. If you didn't want more kids, why weren't you using a condom? Sounds like this girl gets pregnant super easily. Irregardless, it's not her "fault" she's pregnant - you were an active - and I'm betting willing - participant in the activity that got her that way. It's easy to place blame and be resentful - but that's a bit of a copout. You're responsible as well.

 

Enough lecturing, anyway.

 

If you are unhappy and want to leave, then you need to sit down and have a conversation with her about it. You need to let her know WHY you're unhappy. Don't point fingers, don't place blame. Keep it neutral and as courteous as possible. If there are things you can work on as a couple that would make you consider continuing trying, explain that to her. Then allow her to do the same. Odds are good you aren't the only one unhappy at this point, and she may have grievances you aren't even aware of. Be willing to admit that maybe (just maybe) you're in the wrong too, and that not everything is her fault. Be open to change and taking an honest, hard look at yourself. What you see as your faults may be very different from what she sees as your faults. And vice-versa.

 

It takes two. If you're out already, extend her the respect of letting her know that, and doing what you need to do as a responsible adult and father. If you're willing to work, you BOTH have to work and she needs to be aware of that and put the effort in also. Give yourselves a "drop-dead" date where you will sit down and discuss how things are going, how you feel the changes (if any) have helped or hurt, etc. Determine from there whether or not you'll continue to try, or if it's a lost cause and determine your next steps.