LaceWing Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 This is something close to my heart, because I have had the misfortune of being someone's rebound. Something I never thought would have happened to me, and a harsh lesson I will tell you, but it leads me to share this perspective with people suffering from the break-up of a long-term relationship. Break ups are undoubtably hard, and whilst you are healing and recovering from one, you will feel vulnerable, and anything that comes along promising a little bit of comfort and/or pleasure to lift your spirits for a while will feel like a breath of fresh air. In this case, that comfort and/or pleasure could come in the shape of a new man or woman in your life. But there is a danger to getting involved with someone BEFORE you are healed, and over the previous relationship. That danger is you risk spreading your hurt and pain onto someone NEW who should NOT have to deal with what you are personally going through, and you also risk making things HARDER for yourself when drama erupts because the new person realises you are potentially harming them by playing with THEIR feelings. Now, I want to be clear I am not berating anyone. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Yet I occasionally read on this forum that someone who is recently dumped, starts seeing someone new only for them to realise they are not over their ex. Now, the reboundee - the new person you become involved with, and are rebounding with - is hardly, if ever considered, I feel. The reboundee seems to be a faceless, nameless somebody whose own feelings and emotions and well-being doesn't matter. Let me tell you this: that man or woman you are potentially using to make YOU feel better is no less valuable, no less valid as an individual than you or your ex are. Here's my story: I met a guy who was three months out of a long-term relationship. I am an overly trusting person in general, something I am trying hard to work on now, and I am also the sort of person that likes to help others. So if I see someone in pain....I do feel drawn to helping them. Now myself and this guy were attracted to each other, I could see he was hurting, but as things went on I expressed a concern that he was just after something casual. I laid it out clearly I wasn't after something casual....he seemed to appreciate my honesty and things developed nonetheless. One day some months later (after what felt like a 'honeymoon' period, he went a bit quiet. I asked him if it was something to do with his ex...he said yes, he'd heard something about her that had upset him. I understand his pain and his hurt, but at the time I was so angry. I told him you don't get involved with someone unless you are healed over the last person. And this is why. I got emotionally invested in him, only for him to reveal another woman was still tugging at his heart to the point it affected his mood. I can see with compassion and understanding how badly he must have felt. He even acknowledged he felt it was unfair him going on about her, whilst he was seeing me. That he felt torn. All good and well, but then like all rebound situations, the rebounder realises they still have issues/the new person isn't what they wanted or they just don't know what they want. In which case, that person, that human being you used as an emotional crutch is left now with their own wounds and hurts to lick. I gave this guy the chance to have a break from me to sort himself out, at the time he didn't want it. When he had the chance to save things from getting out of control, he didn't take that time. So instead of us perhaps having a real chance when things were at a healthier point, things became toxic instead. Now, I know what it's like to be a dumper, and a dumpee...and I know how painful to the core it is to suffer the loss of someone you feel so strongly about. It becomes a journey of healing and self-knowledge. And I feel it is a journey meant to be largely embarked on alone. Just because you are in pain, it does not mean you have the right to ride rough-shod over someone else. Be responsbile for your own pain, your own hurt, your own attachment, your own healing. Please do not get involved with someone new, someone you could potentially seriously hurt, until your heart is free of the old relationship. I take responsibility for getting involved with someone I knew was getting over a long-term relationship. I had some concerns, but things developed anyway. I was also unfortunate enough to fall in love with the guy, and now I am dealing with that, because it takes me a long time to heal from hurt full-stop. So yeah, rebounding is not generally helpful, either to you or to someone else. And to be honest, I find it hard to sympathise with anyone who knowingly uses someone else as a crutch, to help them get over an ex. Just wanted to share that. Link to comment
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