The importance of not rebounding

[LaceWing]

This is something close to my heart, because I have had the misfortune of being someone's rebound. Something I never thought would have happened to me, and a harsh lesson I will tell you, but it leads me to share this perspective with people suffering from the break-up of a long-term relationship.

 

Break ups are undoubtably hard, and whilst you are healing and recovering from one, you will feel vulnerable, and anything that comes along promising a little bit of comfort and/or pleasure to lift your spirits for a while will feel like a breath of fresh air. In this case, that comfort and/or pleasure could come in the shape of a new man or woman in your life.

 

But there is a danger to getting involved with someone BEFORE you are healed, and over the previous relationship. That danger is you risk spreading your hurt and pain onto someone NEW who should NOT have to deal with what you are personally going through, and you also risk making things HARDER for yourself when drama erupts because the new person realises you are potentially harming them by playing with THEIR feelings.

 

Now, I want to be clear I am not berating anyone. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Yet I occasionally read on this forum that someone who is recently dumped, starts seeing someone new only for them to realise they are not over their ex. Now, the reboundee - the new person you become involved with, and are rebounding with - is hardly, if ever considered, I feel.

 

The reboundee seems to be a faceless, nameless somebody whose own feelings and emotions and well-being doesn't matter. Let me tell you this: that man or woman you are potentially using to make YOU feel better is no less valuable, no less valid as an individual than you or your ex are.

 

Here's my story:

 

I met a guy who was three months out of a long-term relationship. I am an overly trusting person in general, something I am trying hard to work on now, and I am also the sort of person that likes to help others. So if I see someone in pain....I do feel drawn to helping them. Now myself and this guy were attracted to each other, I could see he was hurting, but as things went on I expressed a concern that he was just after something casual. I laid it out clearly I wasn't after something casual....he seemed to appreciate my honesty and things developed nonetheless.

 

One day some months later (after what felt like a 'honeymoon' period, he went a bit quiet. I asked him if it was something to do with his ex...he said yes, he'd heard something about her that had upset him. I understand his pain and his hurt, but at the time I was so angry. I told him you don't get involved with someone unless you are healed over the last person. And this is why. I got emotionally invested in him, only for him to reveal another woman was still tugging at his heart to the point it affected his mood.

 

I can see with compassion and understanding how badly he must have felt. He even acknowledged he felt it was unfair him going on about her, whilst he was seeing me. That he felt torn.

 

All good and well, but then like all rebound situations, the rebounder realises they still have issues/the new person isn't what they wanted or they just don't know what they want. In which case, that person, that human being you used as an emotional crutch is left now with their own wounds and hurts to lick.

 

I gave this guy the chance to have a break from me to sort himself out, at the time he didn't want it. When he had the chance to save things from getting out of control, he didn't take that time. So instead of us perhaps having a real chance when things were at a healthier point, things became toxic instead.

 

Now, I know what it's like to be a dumper, and a dumpee...and I know how painful to the core it is to suffer the loss of someone you feel so strongly about. It becomes a journey of healing and self-knowledge. And I feel it is a journey meant to be largely embarked on alone.

 

Just because you are in pain, it does not mean you have the right to ride rough-shod over someone else. Be responsbile for your own pain, your own hurt, your own attachment, your own healing. Please do not get involved with someone new, someone you could potentially seriously hurt, until your heart is free of the old relationship.

 

I take responsibility for getting involved with someone I knew was getting over a long-term relationship. I had some concerns, but things developed anyway. I was also unfortunate enough to fall in love with the guy, and now I am dealing with that, because it takes me a long time to heal from hurt full-stop.

 

So yeah, rebounding is not generally helpful, either to you or to someone else. And to be honest, I find it hard to sympathise with anyone who knowingly uses someone else as a crutch, to help them get over an ex.

 

Just wanted to share that.

[LDRohnos]

Sorry to hear that happened to you: I agree 100% with your post as I'm sure most people do as well. Moving on to a new relationship while still battling the old one in your heart is a very selfish act and one that is easily justified in that person's mind as a way to escape pain rather than live through it and perhaps become a stronger person and a better partner for someone in the future.

 

Cheers.

[MaryJane2011]

Yes that's definitely right. I had the similar experience too. I think there is another lesson from this story. From your post, actually his being hurt from the previous relationship was one big reason that attracted you (you wanted to help him). So I think the reboundee also should check his/her feelings toward the person he/she is dating, to see how much the other feelings (compassion, curiosity, etc.) is playing in the scene before getting too deep in a relationship. For me, if I meet somebody new I'd like to know if he actually carries any emotional baggages from the previous relatinoships before I make a decision.

[LaceWing]

Yes that's definitely right. I had the similar experience too. I think there is another lesson from this story. From your post, actually his being hurt from the previous relationship was one big reason that attracted you (you wanted to help him). So I think the reboundee also should check his/her feelings toward the person he/she is dating, to see how much the other feelings (compassion, curiosity, etc.) is playing in the scene before getting too deep in a relationship. For me, if I meet somebody new I'd like to know if he actually carries any emotional baggages from the previous relatinoships before I make a decision.

 

I definitely agree. Initially I wanted to be his friend. I felt a genuine sense of warmth and compassion between us. In a way this is why it hurts, because I genuinely felt for this person. It hurt me to see pain in his eyes, and so I guess getting involved with someone on the basis of wanting to ease their pain is not a good way to go.

 

It has also got me realising I don't want anyone with heavy baggage. As this is the second guy I've gotten involved with in a similar way. The first one wasn't a rebound, but he had similar issues with the past influencing his feelings still (due to a bereavement).

 

One thing I have always done though, when one relationship ends, is I work through my stuff, clear my heart and then make myself available to someone new. I almost fell into the "rebound" trap, but I recognised what I was doing, and the idea of using other people to make myself feel better would make me feel ashamed.

[jooj]

When I look back at my relationship with my ex which ended 7 months ago I think I was a rebound to him. He had broken up with the woman he was madly in love with 8 months before we got together because she cheated on him and I dont think he was over it. There were times in our relationship when he would suddenly disappear and when I asked him why he would tell me it's because he was hurting over what his ex did to him. My relationship with him lasted 8 months but in the last 3 months of the relationship he stopped contacting me and talking to me and even looking in my eye because he realized he no longer wanted me and then our relationship ended. It's been 7 months since we broke up and I'm still deeply hurting and thinking about him most of the time because I have loved him from all my heart.

After the breakup I have been told by my friends to find a rebound for myself to help me heal but I told them no I refuse to put an innocent person through the same pain I am suffering of from being a rebound myself.

[MaryJane2011]

Some people never work on their wounds from relationships and jump from one after another. In that sense, every relationship is a rebound...

[dabbledave]

My ex-fiance is a serial rebounder.

 

And she would often get back in touch with her exes during the four-and-half-year on/off relationship we had. She wasn't always honest about it. Once I caught her chatting to an ex on FB. I was speaking as I approached her from behind so I wasn't sneaking up on her. I saw the chat window open and the profile picture of the guy. She closed it down. I casually asked her about it. She denied that she was chatting with him and got angry and verbally abusive. After she had settled down and apologised, I forgave her and asked that she simply be honest with me about any communication she has with her exes.

 

Anyway our relationship was ultimately soured by her inability to commit to me. Even her acceptance of my proposal was laced with strings attached. I should have retracted it, but I became very insecure towards the end of the relationship; lost self-confidence and self-respect; became a passive-aggressive loser; and that's what sealed her decision to quit on me less than two months after I moved with her to a new country to support her career.

 

During the last conversation I had with her a few days ago, before I went NC, she insisted that she had learned her lesson about rebounds and wants to be single for a while. Yet I also got it out of her that she had dinner dates planned. Oh well. I hope she really has learned for her own sake. When she wants to come back to me (I'm positive that she will) I will be reluctant to take her back if it's off the back of yet another break-up.

 

I've had a couple of casual flings since break-up. I still think about the ex daily so I am in no condition to get into anything serious. It's important to be honest with people you date or have casual relationships with lest they grow feelings for you that you are not ready to reciprocate.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[LaceWing]

 

I've had a couple of casual flings since break-up. I still think about the ex daily so I am in no condition to get into anything serious. It's important to be honest with people you date or have casual relationships with lest they grow feelings for you that you are not ready to reciprocate.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

 

Yep I agree, being as transparent as possible is important if you know you can't emotionally give to someone new. Of course it depends on what the other person wants. If they are up for something casual, then that's slightly different.

 

I think some serial rebounders are deeply insecure, because it shows an inability to process and deal with their own emotions in a way that requires them to stand on their own feet. It's also a distraction from responsibility. At least that's how I interpret it.

 

 

After the breakup I have been told by my friends to find a rebound for myself to help me heal but I told them no I refuse to put an innocent person through the same pain I am suffering of from being a rebound myself.

 

I think you've got the right idea there, and I totally empathise with you. It is deeply hurtful. And rebounders often compare their new squeeze with their old partner, which means if you are already insecure, that is going to tear you to bits. Add that to the fact that if the guy has only known you a short time compared to his ex, then you can't win against that, until he wipes the glow from his eyes.

 

Find someone who is free to love, who is strong enough to let go of the past and appreciates what he has in the present.

[dolorosa]

My ex did exactly the same, he is now back to his wife from whom he separated 3 months before we met, but I did not know this. He seems to be in this denial stage where all he wants is to be with her, despite the fact that she has cheated on him several times, and is a very good liar, left her son with my ex and lives to spend his money, after all this he still loves her so much. Either that or some people just love drama.

 

He is also on a dating site probably looking for another person to help him when he is not "happy" to his wife. Sadly, is very rare to find honest people.

[Uncosame]

Break ups are undoubtably hard, and whilst you are healing and recovering from one, you will feel vulnerable, and anything that comes along promising a little bit of comfort and/or pleasure to lift your spirits for a while will feel like a breath of fresh air. In this case, that comfort and/or pleasure could come in the shape of a new man or woman in your life.

 

But there is a danger to getting involved with someone BEFORE you are healed, and over the previous relationship. That danger is you risk spreading your hurt and pain onto someone NEW who should NOT have to deal with what you are personally going through, and you also risk making things HARDER for yourself when drama erupts because the new person realises you are potentially harming them by playing with THEIR feelings.

 

 

Hi Lace,

 

Thanks for this thread. I myself am going through this quandary. My ex and I have been broken up for 4 months now and I still love her very much.

 

I do want to move on with my life and I'm just not sure when I'll be ready to date someone again. I definitely do not want to do what this guy did to you. I've never loved anyone this much before so I can't even look that far into the future to the day that I'll be healed. I am generally an optimist, but with this particular experience have made it very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I don't know... that's all I can say for now...

 

Unco

[oO pd Oo]

Hey Lace,

 

Great post. It brings up a very very very good perspective that most people on here don't really think about. I totally agree with you and I believe 100% in not getting seriously involved with someone else until you are healed (I have refused to date seriously/turned down dates/said that I can only be friends right now for 5 months and counting because I absolutely do not want to hurt anyone).

 

Having said that, sometimes it's not black and white. Sometimes you have periods of time when you think you are ready to get back out there... and you give it a try... but it takes awhile for you to realize that you aren't over your ex. Sometimes it takes giving a new relationship a try for someone to fully realize that they aren't over their ex.

 

I'm a HUGE believer in personal responsibility (inner locus of control). And the biggest thing I've taken away from getting hurt very very badly... is learning whether or not a potential mate is capable of being in a serious relationship. Like you, I am very trusting, kind, caring, and been involved with a "broken" or "damaged" or "baggage filled" person recently. Even after I identified it, I pressed forwards...and low and behold...it ended up with me getting my heart completely shattered. As far as I'm concerned, that responsibility rests on my shoulders. I put myself in that position. So to conclude, I agree with you in the sense that if you are not over your ex, then the responsible thing to do is not to get seriously involved with anyone until you are over it because you could really really hurt someone else... BUT ultimately, if you get involved with someone who you think/know is not over their ex... that responsibility is yours. Heck... if you get involved with anyone under any circumstances... that responsibility is yours.

 

When you love/care for someone....getting hurt is the risk. That's a choice we all make.

[BlueRose66]

Completely agree with oO pd oO on this one.

 

I do have a profile up on a dating site though but on my profile it says "Recently single- not ready for a relationship, just looking to get out and make new friends". I think I am being as honest as I can since the site is also geared towards friendships. It is nice for me to know that although I am NOT ready for a relationship and barely even ready for casual dating, there are some women on there that I feel a spark of attraction towards. Not many, but at least it gives me some hope that one day I will be attracted to someone else. That is important to me so I can move on. Opening my mind to the possiblity that there will be someone maybe someday when the time is right.

 

I think we are responsible for who we choose, and the key is going very slowly with eyes open. Its so easy to just fall for someone when the chemistry is good and there is some compatibilty. I know I have learned tons with this last relationship.

 

I am no where near healed, its just been a few months now. But I do know I need to slowly get back into life and at least visualze myself as a single person again and all that that entails. I dont know when I will be ready again. Its hard to know. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be TOTALLY over this.....

[LaceWing]

Thank you Unco, Pd, BlueRose for very insightful posts.

 

It took a while for me to accept it was a rebound situation (although I knew deep down it was). So I've been reflecting on this a lot the past couple of days, and the relief I've gained from this is immense for me.

 

I know my feelings for this man were genuine, although on reflection I know I should not have gotten involved with him at the stage of healing he was in. So I take responsibility for my part in this. I know in future to recognise when someone is in a vulnerable place, and not become emotionally involved in them.

 

I hope this guy is healing now....and it is likely that he is healing faster without the additional drama. And I bought him some drama let me tell you.....but that's what happens when I am hurt by someone.

 

Put yourself first, because unless you do, you are no good to anyone else. That's what I believe anyway.

 

To fellow reboundee's.........if you find yourself getting into relationships with people on the rebound, look at working on your self-esteem (you deserve real love for yourself).

[endy]

It sucks, been there and it's probably been the most painful, but also most self correcting experience of my life. I genuinely loved that girl with what I thought was love. I did my best, and what I got was my best wasn't good enough. That I couldn't make her happy and I tried everything I could. Well guess who brought the whole relationship down? It wasn't me, it was her. She was the one not capable of loving someone properly. She was the one that needed someone else because her idea of love is crap. The only reason I couldn't love right was because I didn't love myself properly. That IS the most important thing I've learned in life so far. To love yourself and to always put yourself first. It wasn't me that couldn't make her happy. It was her that didn't love herself and being able to work out her issues that cause her to behave this way that couldn't make her happy.

 

I've learned what makes a healthy relationship and I won't ever settle for less. These people often have no idea what they are doing. All they are doing is operating out of self preservation to keep an in love feeling going and to avoid pain and suffering. They most likely have self-esteem and self-worth issues themselves. Often it seems that people will find codependents to do this to because they are way more empathetic than normal, and they put someone else first.

 

I know that my ex didn't know any of this. I know she doesn't understand why it happened. I know she didn't do it on purpose. She is blind to what true love is, and to why she is constantly depressed. But I made a choice, and I take responsibility for that choice. I also learned so damn much from it that I am grateful for having her in my life. I forgave her, because I know I deserve better than that. I thank the universe that it happened when it did and I did not end up having a child with this woman. Because she was so broken, that it was only a matter of time and events until she left to chase after another love.

 

I meditate and hope she heals herself. Because what she is looking for isn't inside anybody else. It's inside of her self. I wish her the best, and hope one day she really finds herself, and someone that understands love now as much as myself. As much as I would like to take her back if the opportunity presents itself... there is just no way. I deserve someone that isn't broken.