Friends leaving me feeling alone

[Elisian]

Hi all. I've had this on my mind for a few months but haven't posted because I don't know if people will be able to provide much in terms of constructive feedback (fingers crossed, lol) cause I've mulled it over and read a lot of threads and I don't know what to do myself.

 

So basically I feel alone. I have a lot of friends, but I feel like there's no one there for me. I am not trying to toot my own horn here, but I just want to lay out all the information so I don't get a bunch of people telling me I need to get out more and meet new people. So here's the deal, I'm the perfect example of that college student that is involved in everything. I have three jobs, a full course load, An officer of a club, I do research on the side, I'm an RA, I know almost everyone in my building and I'm super friendly to everyone. When I walk around with people on campus I have people say, now aren't you mr. popular, just because I always end up greeting a bunch of people as I walk around. Yet when I had someone say that this week I just felt my stomach drop because even though I know all these people I still feel alone.

 

I used to confide in a few particularly close friends that I had where we just seemed to get each other and had a deep connection. But that fell apart when I realized that they aren't there for me through thick and thin. Everyone else I hit off with well always forget to invite me places. They will tell me about events they went to with other friends of mine and show me pictures and the whole time I will feel so stung and just think, why didn't you invite me? And when I do bring it up or run into them at events I go to they say, Oh we meant to invite you! Even my close friends do this. It is so frustrating! Its gotten to the point where I don't want to expect anything of my friends because I feel like I will always be disappointed. And its not like they don't like me. I can tell when its like that, where people say that but it was really that they didn't want to invite you. No, its that they honestly don't think to invite me.

 

I just don't know what to do. I get these overwhelming feelings of dejection at times. I'm glad I'm so busy, I am constantly having really fun interactions with people on campus, its just they don't think to invite me on their own, which leaves me feeling like all my friendships are superficial.

 

Any advice or thoughts? (fingers crossed again)

[Selfdeprivated]

As someone who has never really had many close friends and currently friendless. I can only assume it has to do with your busy lifestyle.

You may have turned down some invites when you just got started because of conflicting with your pursuits and it may have caused your friends to have become more and more reluctant to do so.

Or it could be that your friends have just moved on to other people?

I don't know as like I said I'm not an amiable person.

[Elisian]

Thanks selfdeprivated. But nah, its the other way around, I always take them up on their offers when they do invite me to stuff (which is usually when they happen to be going somewhere, run into me, and want someone to tag along, or if it's a group invite for some RA team bonding time). I'm always inviting them all to stuff and most of the time they turn me down. And I assure you, I'm not socially awkward. Today I saw this girl I know from talking to her a few times and sat down and just joined her small group of friends at a table outside. I'd never met her friends before but chit chatted for an hour with them. As I was leaving I heard one of the girls remark, "He's so f---ing cute!"

 

But the whole reason I spent the hour with them was because I sent out a mass text to all my friends seeing if they wanted to hang out and they all had things to do or didn't respond. Then this afternoon I go to the gsa club that I'm part of, and while I've made an effort to get to know everyone and gone to all the meetings this semester, I'm sitting by myself because everyone has formed their little clicks and I'm not part of any of them. Even my friend and coworker that I originally started going with and always invited along doesn't ever bother to invite me. And when I asked her tonight if she was going to the social afterward she said no, her and these people sitting around her are going to see a movie...oh, by the way do you want to come? Its almost like oops, now that I told you I should invite you. And she starts talking to someone else so I just left. I'm tired of every time the meetings end having to run around trying to find someone who wants me to come with them to the social.

 

I'm tired of feeling unattractive and undesirable when I know that the opposite is true. I walk around and girl and guys alike look at me with lingering eyes, people I know smile and wave, but god forbid the moment I walk out of their sight they should remember me. Why am I treated this way? I'm attractive, engaging, funny so long as I am in sight, but as soon as I leave I am forgotten like I was never there. I just don't get it.

 

And even here on enotalone I feel like I post intelligent things and no one bothers to respond. And what gets me is how consistently this happens. I just feel like giving up on people. I wish I didn't feel so dependent on others. Why can't I feel as careless about them as they do about me?

[chitown9]

OP, I am wondering if you ever asked this question of one of these people you are friendly with. I think that is the only way you will ever find out why you are going to get to the truth of the matter...

[Elisian]

Thanks chitown9, that's a very good point.

 

I actually have. I asked my best friend once a few months ago and she said I expect to much of people. Another friend i confronted about this (she invited me the night of, asking if I had a car to drive people in) denied it feverently when I said she was just inviting me to use my car and then stopped inviting me to things all together. When I vented about it to another friend they told me that that friend is like that with everyone and not to take it personally. My sister has told me I need to get a new circle of different types of friends that aren't so flaky, which I did this year, but the same thing started happening again this semester. I don't know its weird.

[chitown9]

hmmm....it is weird. Well, since this is a new group of friends, maybe you should ask the same question from one of them?......

[Psych]

And its not like they don't like me. I can tell when its like that, where people say that but it was really that they didn't want to invite you. No, its that they honestly don't think to invite me.

I remember people from university who were like you. Everybody knew them because they were very friendly and involved with things on campus. I don't actually recall if any of them invited me to things, but if they had, the idea that they wanted a genuine friendship with me would never have crossed my mind, for two reasons. 1) These people are the ones who are ALWAYS recruiting students to go to things, because they are involved. Invites from them tend to seem less about friendship and more about promoting campus events. Therefore, if I didn't go to an event they promoted to me, I would be sure they would never notice anyway, because they are inviting EVERYbody. 2) They really do seem like they have a lot of friends. Maybe the students you consider to be your closest friends consider themselves to be your casual acquaintances, because they see you socializing all the time and assume you are too busy for them.

 

Another possibility is that you just have not yet encountered the group you truly belong with. I think this is hard for everyone. You seem to be smart and reliable, looking for people who are also like that. They are the hardest to find.

[Selfdeprivated]

Psych's explanation makes a lot of sense.