Should I be reading my (ex)boyfriends email account?

[macbook]

So my boyfriend and I have been 'in love' for the past two and a half years. He's not all that stable right, doesn't have a job, place of his own, etc...I'm also in the process of getting my career up and going, I'm 29 years old. So I recently asked to take some space from the relationship just to get my life sorted. He's a bit of a distraction because he can be really needy for my attention. And when he doesn't get it, he becomes distant and cold and even disappears on me for a while. So I can't really take the emotional rollercoasters, yet we really feel that we're in love. He agreed to the separation because he admits that he needs to work on himself, too. He made me promise that it we weren't going to date other people and that it'd just be temporary because he can't imagine life without me. I believe him when he says that, because I feel the same way. But I don't exactly trust him because he's lied to me a few times in our relationships. Anyway, I have his email password and he wants me to have it. And he knows I check his email account (because he can see my IP address in the bottom window via gmail)....and he says he likes when I check it because he feels like I still care about him...again, this is his needy behaviour probably coming through. But I'm not so secure myself, either. I have to fight the urge to check his emails because I want to know if he's around or not (by checking his log in times). I know this is kinda creepy behaviour on my part, but it's become a habit. Now, he obviously doesn't care that I do it - but I think it's because he feels in control of the relationship when I'm vulnerable and looking after him.

 

So we're on a little break now - and I'm focusing on getting my life in order - should I be like ignoring him completely? Do you think he'll think I'm gay for always checking his account? I check maybe once or twice a day. I gave him my email password so things were fair, but he doesn't check mine. Sometimes I wish he would because I always question how true his feelings are for me...and the reason why we're on a break has so much to do with him not showing me his love enough, he just says it all the time, but barely does things for me except buy me coffee...and kiss me reallyyyyyy good. Ugh. Don't know what to do with him. Please give me your honest advice...thank you for reading!

[Snny]

I don't think the boundaries you guys established with this "break" are very clear here and it's going to lead into some further problems later on.

 

You both "separated" from the relationship. However, he has forced you not to date other people. How is that being fair to you at all since you are depending on him to get it together? You're either break up or you don't. Unfortunately, taking "breaks" in relationships usually don't work; especially if he has a history of lying and can't get his act together. How can you trust HIM to keep his share of the bargain since he's a liar?

 

IMHO, I don't think you have any reason to be checking up on his e-mails if you two broke up. If he's a grown man and doesn't need a cyber sitter.

 

Also, what's to say that he may be one of those guys who sits on his ass and just... doesn't clean up since he had you "promise" not to leave him? Where is HIS promise to you? What is the real incentive for him to work on himself? If you are hoping to change him, then expect to wait for a LONG time since it takes months or years for people to change their habits. Are you planning to give him a certain time period to straighten up or you leave... what's the deal? I'm confused here.

[HeartGoesOn]

Since you don't trust him to begin with, how is checking his e-mail twice a day going to change anything?

[Ariel85]

IIMHO, I don't think you have any reason to be checking up on his e-mails if you two broke up. If he's a grown man and doesn't need a cyber sitter.

 

She doesn't have a reason to be checking his emails even if they are together.

[Snny]

Ariel I agree. However, if both partners are comfortable with sharing their e-mail accounts then it's on them. But I think there are larger issues at play here than just watching an e-mail account. The ex might be allowing this to regain the OP's trust since he's been called out on lying (though it doesn't mean the internet is the only place he can be deceitful and he may have another e-mail account that she doesn't know about).

[macbook]

Snny, I am super confused too. I think you're right, though. This 'break off' has been gnawing at me so much because like you said, I don't think it's really fair to me. And I'm so naive when it comes to him because I tend to follow my feelings most of the time. I do know, however, that when he says he's gonna get his life together he's trying to find a new job. And by reading his emails, he's got plenty of correspondence and interview appointments. So I know he's trying.

 

I think the secret reason why I asked for a break (in addition to losing him as a distraction) is that i'm looking for some attention. He's so self-centered. As in, ALL HE THINKS ABOUT IS HIMSELF ALL DAY LONG UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME. And he can be so aloof and cold towards me - I'm not even sure he realizes.

 

As far as there being a time period - nope - nothing like that. I have no plan with this guy. He is very clever and good at controlling my interest in him and making sure I don't leave him. And it's not like I want to leave him, but his aloofness hurts so much that sometimes I just want him to feel the hurt, too.

[Snny]

Girl, don't feel naive. That's what we're here for... to help add things up.

 

I think you both do need some distance because he is not in any shape or form ready to take things to the next level like you are and you shouldn't be holding back your options. I dumped my fiance for a year because he F'd around in college and I was so done waiting around since I was graduating. When I actually broke up with him and told him my firm reasons (and stuck with them,), he was like "Aw s***," realized he really messed up... and got his crap together. We've rekindled after he graduated in nursing and was actively looking for work without me playing his mother. Thanks to what I did, he now knows he can handle his own business... and now he is advancing his education for even better opportunities in the medical field (on his own... so proud of him). That's how you get business done with men who screw around... if thy really love you they will turn things around and realize "Wow... she was right." I'm a B like that when it comes to getting things done

 

Your boyfriend also might be depressed as well, which explains the distancing issues. Either way it isn't your job to be his therapist and it's hurting your relationship since you feel he isn't giving you enough emotional support you've been wanting. This is something he needs to work on his own and not let it drag YOU down. If you find a man who has it together... GREAT If he fixes his situation and you both rekindle like I did.. terrific. But please do not hold back and be happy by not committing to a guy who has no future going or is doing absolutely nothing to improve his situation. Focus on YOU first.

[macbook]

Thanks for sharing your personal story.

 

I actually agree with you - I think he's not ready to take things to next level like I am. Even with our careers - I'm heading into a self-employed lifestyle where I'm my own boss - and he's heading back into a 9-5 (which he hates)...i bet that has a lot to do with his depression, too. also, he sees me as this woman who knows where she's going and has a plan for her future - whereas he's not as sure of himself...and i think i can make him feel insecure (even though i go to great lengths to tell him how brilliant and amazing i think he is....)

 

i think im going to talk to him about this. our separation didn't address any of these things and maybe i need to tell him my concerns about the future and what i would need to see in him before we can get back together...