MissElisabeth Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I really need opinion and advice...as I'm devastated. My ex boyfriend...of 12 years...8 together 7 years living together and on and off but mostly on for the last 4 after that. We met through work 16 years ago and have been together since 1999. Four years ago he cheated on me with our neighbor and my safe world came crumbling down. I made him move out after the affair didn't stop and lies continued. Over the next couple of years we reconciled but he dated women in between and my trust issues became toxic. He has acted completely out of character in the last few years from the man i've known half my life. We made a pace last November to put the past behind us and commit to one another ... a new beginning. He had a date with someone right before we reconciled and told me it was over with this person. In May he left for a four month job training out of state. The morning he was leaving, while i helped him pack his things. I found a Valentine's day card from another woman stating how lucky she was to have a man like him in her life. I was beyond crushed and walked out. He tried calling me for hours...pleading that she was no one. A girl he dated who is "crazy" and under the illusion they are a couple when they are not. I told him to stay out of my life. That I wanted to be his priority...the i loved him. He said that I was and that he loved me. I stopped replying and after a week his calls stopped. I assumed he was in intensive job training and i took the opportunity for us being apart as time for him to grow and focus on this new career he worked for so hard and so long for. He emailed me in July to wish me a happy birthday and see how both me and our dog was. I wrote him that i loved him and he said he loved me too and we chatted for a while. Then i waited but never heard again. I expected to hear from him in late September as he was set to graduate. I have since discovered (on october 1st) that he brought a woman home to his family over the July 4th weekend and introduced her as his fiance (6 weeks after leaving!! and pleading that he loved me) and that in August they announced ultrasound pictures and a baby on the way. On Sept 17th they announced via phone to the family that they had been married. His new job takes him out of state (far far from here). I always thought it would be us moving. That after 12 years we finally had a fresh start. His son, that I helped him raise for the last 12 years was now grown and life for us was finally where we wanted it. I don't understand how you leave in early May as my boyfriend and return in mid sept married to someone else with a baby on the way. I'm so confused. This is more like a movie than my life. I learned that she has a 3 year old son and is from the same state as me. Will she really move a thousand miles away with her toddler? Is this wedding doomed? Is he rebelling? did he get married because she was pregnant?? did i not deserve the respect of communication and to know what was going on? I understand i was upset and walked out but i wanted him to fight for me. To call and tell me he loved me...to show up...to fight for us! Is it possible he will have his happily ever after? I'm so confused. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 To be brutally honest, it sounds like you were assuming that he was on your wavelength when he clearly was not. I mean, let's be honest here. Your relationship ended and he moved on. Did he move on very quickly? Yeah. But I don't think you can realistically expect him to be a mindreader and know that you wanted to get back together. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 To be brutally honest, it sounds like you were assuming that he was on your wavelength when he clearly was not. I mean, let's be honest here. Your relationship ended and he moved on. Did he move on very quickly? Yeah. But I don't think you can realistically expect him to be a mindreader and know that you wanted to get back together. Well, he did express that he wanted to get back together with the OP. Although, OP, you did tell him to stay out of your life, so I guess he did move on, although it seems rather fickle to get engaged to someone else with a baby on the way after getting out of a lonngggg relationship and then trying to get their ex (you) back.. he sounds sort of immature to me. He could end up happy but he could also end up leaving this woman too, or he didn't know her well enough before getting engaged to her so they might have problems.. it sounds like she's almost a REBOUND even though they're engaged.. which is sad. Link to comment
Jetta Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Rebound or not he's engage to marry another and it does happen often after long term relationships and don't be surprised if they have a long lasting marriage. You needed to be clear and have the talk about what you really wanted from this relationship rather than hang on for years waiting for nothing. Maybe this is a live and learn situation. In your next relationship be clear; if you want marriage, make it known. If you don't, don't expect it to happen. Guys don't generally just ask with no preempting. They wait for clues from the woman, unless they're after something. Sorry for your loss but he has a baby on the way now and has responsibility to live up to. Sounds like he's getting exactly what he wanted all along but didn't ask you because either A) he knew you weren't right for each other or B) you put him off everytime he thought about it. Link to comment
MissElisabeth Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 To be brutally honest, it sounds like you were assuming that he was on your wavelength when he clearly was not. I mean, let's be honest here. Your relationship ended and he moved on. Did he move on very quickly? Yeah. But I don't think you can realistically expect him to be a mindreader and know that you wanted to get back together. Thanks for responding! I didn't assume he was on my wavelength...he told me he was! We had a pact. Then when i found the card and walked and ignored him...i wanted him to SHOW me...to FIGHT for us. He declared his love and then when i didn't respond to him within a week or so...he moved on? got pregnant...engaged and married in the course of about 18 weeks? Who does that? Link to comment
Tuffly Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Even if he did the "oh so romantic fighting for us" thing, it would have been rocky. The guy has a screw loose. You have the opportunity to find someone who is devoted to you. This poor girl he got pregnant is stuck dealing with him for the next 18 and half years. I almost feel more sorry for her than you right now. Link to comment
MissElisabeth Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 Well, he did express that he wanted to get back together with the OP. Although, OP, you did tell him to stay out of your life, so I guess he did move on, although it seems rather fickle to get engaged to someone else with a baby on the way after getting out of a lonngggg relationship and then trying to get their ex (you) back.. he sounds sort of immature to me. He could end up happy but he could also end up leaving this woman too, or he didn't know her well enough before getting engaged to her so they might have problems.. it sounds like she's almost a REBOUND even though they're engaged.. which is sad. I don't understand moving on to marriage in that short of time. They are already married! If i discovered he was cheating and walked out....i have every right to be angry and hurt and shouldn't need to go chasing him. Doesn't mean i don't want us...means i need his reassurance and safety. Link to comment
MissElisabeth Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 Even if he did the "oh so romantic fighting for us" thing, it would have been rocky. The guy has a screw loose. You have the opportunity to find someone who is devoted to you. This poor girl he got pregnant is stuck dealing with him for the next 18 and half years. I almost feel more sorry for her than you right now. Thank you for reply. I agree seems screw loose! Honestly, I don't know that she is any better...she was apparently already married...is 6 yrs younger than him and has a 3 yr old...how much more responsible is she than him? I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. we made a promise to stay together. Link to comment
Tuffly Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I know. He had a good thing. Why did he keep messing it up...Try not to compare yourself to her. Heck, she'll feel bad enough about her self within a year after being married to him. You had many red flags and even gave him amnesty with the new beginning thing. If that card were nothing, he would have tossed it immediately. Considering his past breach... Even if you bluffed, in his eyes, he was busted. I'm speechless that he toyed with you exchanging the "i love yous" in email after he had this fiance. Really now, what are the odds that's the beginning of a happily ever after for them? I mean maybe he meant it, who knows. But you don't want to be with someone so easy to come and go. Either he showed his true colors or he changed. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 You should have been done with him when he cheated on you 4 years ago. You staying with him sent him the message that you accepted him as a cheater, so he never stopped. If I were you, I'd be thrilled to have this guy out of my life. I'm quite certain he was cheating with this new wife while he was with you. And, I'm also quite certain when she kicks him out for cheating on her (because he will), he'll end up back on your doorstep. I pray you'll be strong enough by that point to slam the door on him. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I can't say that I'm shocked because it sounds like he's engaged in a lot of shady behavior over the last 4 years. I don't want to be harsh or rude, but I mean - 4 years ago should have been your wake up call. I made him move out after the affair didn't stop and lies continued. Why didn't you break up then? And why would you trust that he was true to you now when he wasn't back then?? Of course, he's a cad. you're better off without him. Link to comment
MissElisabeth Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 Thank you all for responding. I really in need of opinions. I understand the sound of the situation. It is honestly, not where I thought my personal life would wind up. I do, however, have 12 years of my life in this person and don't find him disposable. I truly love him. I truly believed in us and wanted his respect. It's difficult to call him names and dismiss him when I'm finding myself trying to understand what happened and if he is okay. I know that I am okay. I have a pretty great life and it's baggage free and secure except for my relationship with him. I was crushed to hear he in a short time frame of about 15 weeks no contact with me managed to get pregnant, engaged and married. I just can't make sense of it. I wonder if she was pregnant and that is the reason for the marriage. I wonder what he was thinking since he is relocating to California...did he want to make sure he wasn't alone? She has a toddler already...my thought is that there's no way she up and relocating her toddler. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I wonder what he was thinking since he is relocating to California...did he want to make sure he wasn't alone? She has a toddler already...my thought is that there's no way she up and relocating her toddler. I don't understand why you think she would not relocate with her child.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 MissElizabeth - It's really hard to say because we don't know anything at all about your ex and his new wife, and what her deal is. It's hard to infer what she might be thinking, where she might be moving, what her relationship is with the father of her child, etc..... As much as it stings, he made these choices so you kind of have to accept it without knowing or understanding why it happened. Why her and why not you? I don't know. I know you probably should have walked after the first instance of cheating. Certainly after you caught him in lies. I think that is a lesson you can apply in your next relationship. As you say, you have a lot going for you, I am sure someone better is on the horizon. Link to comment
MissElisabeth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 I don't understand why you think she would not relocate with her child.... I heard from his relative that she had a 3 yr old son and the father of the son will not allow the toddler to move out of state. His job is relocating him to the other side of the country. Therefore, i imagine they discovered pregnancy and got married to try to petition to be moved closer to home. I just think the entire situation is a mess and i believe i was owed the conversation and explanation after everything. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I just think the entire situation is a mess and i believe i was owed the conversation and explanation after everything.\ I certainly agree with you about that!...... Link to comment
tinybob Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 i think relationships and especially other people's relaitonships do not make "sense". there is no logic to it. So, you should not try to understand why he did what he did and how fast he did it. you guys broke up, and that is the end of the story. i know it is hard and that would bother me also. but i think just moving forward and focussing on you is the best plan. his actions do not need to make sense to you. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.