Desperate for good advise

[Heartbrokn1979]

Hi all,

 

So my now ex-girlfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after being together for almost 2 years! She first said she needed a "break" which started about 5 weeks ago - she said she needed time and space to decide where we going and want she needs / wants - not only for her but for her daughter of 7 years old from a previous marriage. I struggled to initially deal with this for the first 2 weeks and did try contacting her to "sort things out" - this needless to say didn't work causing the actual break-up! But the last 3 weeks have been alot better and I haven't really contacted her.

 

She then started sms / calling me - just being polite; asking how i am etc and speaking about her work etc. She then visited me and we spoke a little about us and I then found out she is terribly worried about the affect of her relationship with me and my "non-commitment" after 2 years (I hadn't asked her to move in or to get married etc - and she sees this as non-commitment - despite actually being completely in love and fully committed to her) on her daughter and also told me that her ex-husband dates and breaks-up with woman causing her daughter to be very confused!! She basically doesn't want her daughter being introduced to men / woman and confusing her!!

 

This past week her daughter became ill and ended up in hospital - and my ex then contacted me daily; in fact couple times a day - almost like we used to chat!! This is all confusing me - I want to be there for her and show her she doesn't have to take this all on "alone" and that I am completely committed to her - but how without looking desperate (even if i am desperate to get her back)!!

 

I really dont know what to do anymore - I try not contacting her; but when she contacts me it gives me hope!!

 

I really do love her and would love her back in my life!!

 

PLEASE HELP ME - WHAT DO I DO TO GET HER BACK???!!!

[Angler]

Let her continue to initiate.

 

She wants you to be there for her - so be there, but nothing more.

 

When her daughter gets better she may stop, and you'll have to stop with her. She sets the pace.

 

That's the best you can do.

[Koglin]

Her reason for breaking up with you seem silly to me and I don't believe it. Has she given you any pressure for the two of you to move in together? How about marriage? Typically a woman will make it very clear that this is important to her and try to have endless talks with you about it before throwing in the towel. I suspect her reasons for breaking up with you are more than just that. I think the reason she's calling you is because she misses you and looks to you for support, especially at times of need. This in itself is rather selfish because it leads you on. If I were in your shoes I would meet up with her just once and have a talk with her making sure she understands that you are commited and that living together and marriage is in your books for the near future (that is of course if this is the way you feel), also tell her that you don't want to keep contact with her if her choice is still not to be with you because you want to heal and move on with your life. After that I would avoid communication with her at all costs unless she has an emergency or something. She will either want to come back into your life or not but your best bet is to cut off all contact and assume to move on, and if she comes back than it's a great bonus and the ball is in your court.

[tattoobunnie]

There is a major difference between attachment and committment. To be attached is to hold on to an idea, a way something is and has to be, and seeking incentive, redemption, approval, etc. To be committed to be a stand for someone in the face of any situation good or bad without reward or to get something out of it. If you are truly committed to her, be her friend now...she needs you. Something is going on that is above your relationship...her daughter is ill. If you really want her, be reliable, be concerned for her daughter, be there for them in their time of need. The rest has a way of working itself out.

[mhowe]

There is a major difference between attachment and committment. To be attached is to hold on to an idea, a way something is and has to be, and seeking incentive, redemption, approval, etc. To be committed to be a stand for someone in the face of any situation good or bad without reward or to get something out of it. If you are truly committed to her, be her friend now...she needs you. Something is going on that is above your relationship...her daughter is ill. If you really want her, be reliable, be concerned for her daughter, be there for them in their time of need. The rest has a way of working itself out.

 

Excellent advice.

[Heartbrokn1979]

Hi Koglin; thank you for your response!!

 

We have chatted about marriage / moving in before - and I said I want to marry her but just needed a little more time!! It definitely was something she wanted (not sure how she feels currently - obviously)!! There wasnt any real pressure or serious discussion lately and to break / break-up came as a bit of a shock to me - i really thought all was going well in our relationship - but in hind-sight i am wondering if i wasnt just taking our situation for granted and not "growing"!!

 

For now I am being as supportive to her and her daughters situation as i can - and have said i am there for her for whatever she may need!!