bdbmwer Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 So im going to skip all the relationship details but basically weve been broken up roughly 4 weeks. Ive been doing great and acting and BEING nothing but happy around her and away from her. When I started getting back on my feet I went to the club with my guys and ran into my exs friend whom pulled me upstairs to dance. from that night on weve become party buddies going out all the time together and with her gf's and even mild intimacy. Often times her friends happen to be my exs BEST friend and her other small circle of friends but this is never my intention it just seemingly happens. Since all this ive also been in NC for like 13 days and my ex has been texing me, called me once, called me and asked me to meet up(which I did) and even got her friends(the ones i happen to run into sometimes) to try to pry into my life.she also talks loudly and excessively flirty to guys in our class in an attempt to make me jealous. Anyways now that that broad overview is done Fast forward to last night. I met up with my party friend, my exs best friend( shes still is a fan of me and wishes me and my ex would reconcile), and 2 of my ex's other friends. i had NO CLUE it would be all of her friends but none of them were opposed. Im not hanging out with them to spite my ex im genuinely just looking to have a good time. Anyways the second i get there my exs best friend tells me to look at a photo and its of her and my ex making out.also noteworthy is this girl is still my fb friend and she was totally not into the kiss like pulling away while my ex was all about it. anyways i just replied with a "hmmm" and she proceeded to tell me this was last night whatever she was trying to accomplish here idk. I found out through my party friend that my ex is not mad at her for hanging out with me but is upset that i hang out with her friends. Also the makeout photo was uploaded to fb is she trying way too hard to make me jealous or is she just trashy? Im not trying to brag just trying to provide info but i kissed her one best friend, dirty danced with alot of hand roaming with my ex's best friend(initiated by her hands), and was being come onto hard from my party friend. Am i treading dangerous waters? I truly am just looking for a good time and am in NO WAY actually intending to make my ex jealous and isnt that what everyone preaches that to get your ex back you need to be in this state of mind where you just dont care? or should I stop hanging out with them because its causing my ex to resent me and is this hurting my reconciliation chances or could it actually be helping it?(not pining just merely curious) Also coming back wasted at wafflehouse her best friend asked me to make a status and I was about to put "waffle house with (my nickname)" and she goes no no you cant put that (ex's name) will get pissed. i was like why? and shes like she just will be very mad. So im presuming she still obviously cares a lot and they all tell me my ex still likes me and has feelings for me.My problem is this given all these clues and her constantly initiating contact should I possibly answer her next phone call even though shes unoffically seeing this guy that sort of wedged into our relationship? From what I hear her feelings are fading for him already and things just are not going well because he treats her like crap. Ive always heard to be there when their new thing goes south on many articles ive read about girls who jump into another relationship. So given that all these things are coming together at once and im presumably in the right state of mind and have had a period of NC is now the time to act? Sorry if all the nicknames were confusing. Thanks for your input good or bad Link to comment
Eocsor Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 The thing is no one can tell you whats going to work and what won't. It's all a crap shoot at this stage. So do what you want to do right now. Live the life you want to lead without regard to whether or not she'll come bcak. Make yourself happy. And then let the cards fall where they may. No one has a crystal ball, so do what YOU want to do. Link to comment
endy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 To be honest... I don't know what your intentions are. You say you don't have any intentions but then you constantly talk about your ex and how it effects her. You know it effects her and then you keep doing it. If it's not an attempt to get her back that's fine. If it is, it's manipulation and not an act out of love. Which honestly probably won't work out. Nothing is going to have changed in the relationship. Nobody changed, she hasn't change and she jumps from relationship to relationship. She's a broken person. If she doesn't remove those slivers inside herself that cause that behavior... or cause her to have low self worth or use other people as a crutch... there's still going to be issues. Wasn't this the girl that cut herself after a breakup? Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 It's helping to keep the drama going. Helping you get back with her? I dunno about that. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 thanks for the responses ill try to clarify endy. Im doing everything that I do right now because I want to have fun and thats why i keep doing it, because im having fun(not because of the effect it gets from her) and its for me. Im in no way intentionally trying to hurt her through it but at the same time im acknowledging how it affects her if that makes any sense. Its not a ploy to get her back or make her jealous but at the same time it still can have that effect? im just trying to avoid looking like im playing games when im not and closing the door completely. Im not looking to jump right back into the relationship with her because like you said she has problems she has to deal with but i would like to keep the option available for later and not seal the door shut. And while noone knows if shes changed at all ive definitely changed. I was codependant on her and needy and ive made leaps and bounds from that. I wont be so arrogant as to say i totally fixed it in a month but I can confidently say id be significantly better if round 2 came around. and tomboyMS youre completely right its so dramatic. I literally just want to enjoy myself but her friends do and say things which are obviously for a reason that gets me thinking again its inevitable. Thats why i tried to blow off the whole picture showing to me because i literally wish nothing to do with the games.Ive even asked my party friend to not bring her up or show me things shes a part of. Link to comment
endy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 All I can tell you to do is examine your emotions. How do you feel when you are doing these things? That will tell you most likely if it is right or wrong, but then that also is based on your beliefs about everything. It's fine to go out and have fun, but things done out of love don't hurt others. Keep that in mind. Put yourself in her shoes and try to understand what she may feel about it. Then examine how you would feel given the situation. You be the judge of yourself. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying you decide. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 If I found out you were making out with my "best friend," I would be done for good. No question. That girl is not truly her friend, and you are treading in dangerous waters. If your ex was even thinking of reconciling, finding that out would absolutely kill it. And if she isn't thinking of reconciling, finding out will only further justify that she was right in ending things. You really need to take a hard look at why you're engaging in this behavior. You say it's not to have any effect on her, but I find that difficult to believe, as you overanalyze her every action, gesture, statement, etc. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 And I would be irritated if my ex was constantly hanging out with my friends, even if I was over him. If they weren't his friends beforehand, it seems pathetic, IMO. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 appreciate the criticism and comments.I still stick to the fact I am not doing these things for a rise out of her. but yes I am analyzing things her friends say about her or about me concerning her.I feel thats a natural thing to do if they are said. The reason I feel justified in what im doing is because I never made an ATTEMPT to get involved with her friends like this. I was with my friends and she pulled me to dance SHE always calls me to go to the clubs and her friends are always the ones to initiate.these things make me feel good simply because its a fun time but youre right that may just be because its my feelings and I COULD be wrong ill admitt.Calichick it wasnt making out it was just a quick kiss while we danced and while I may be overanalyzing some things theres also CLEAR gameplaying that someone can detect and im just trying to understand peoples purposes for doing them.shes talked malisciously about me to other people tried so many times to be immature and make me jealous AND was seen making out and grinding on someone like 2 days after the breakup and jumped right into seeing him. whats fair in that? regardless this is not revenge or to spite her.While it may not be my motive it can still have bad side effects which is why I made this thread. I have no motives to impress people online if I was out to get her or using it as a tactic I would admitt it outright. The problem is I cant outright tell the girl ive been going out with for like a week and a half all the sudden" hey it doesnt feel right doing this to my ex we cant hang out anymore" she brings other non-related friends that have helped boost my confidence and hastened my recovery process I guess that is my MAIN reason for doing what I do. I actually dont look forward to when my ex's friends will be there or tagging along Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 would it be a bad idea to text her and clarify things? with a "hey I just wanted to clear the air and say that im not hanging out with your friends to spite you or make you jealous in any way,sorry if it came off that way. I just like hanging out with her because we both like to go out a lot and have fun while my friends arent huge fans of clubs and sometimes your other friends coincidentally are there or come with. Hope you understand" then continue NC? that way i can truly let go with love as you put it.I really do not mean to hurt her feelings. But at the same time NC has gotten me to the point in healing where i need to be and has also shown results from her ( i know this is not the purpose of NC) wouldnt doing this make me appear incapable of holding to my boundaries and weak? hopefully its not as bad as it sounds since im not actually texting her friends directly asking to go out? Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Dude, you are so in denial! Don't text her and for God's sake hang out with your own friends! Link to comment
endy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Yeah... you've been NC for how long? You are making excuses to text her. You don't have to explain yourself. What you need to do is heal and get over it. Although dating someone is healthy, therapeutic, and being around women helps after a breakup... using people for temporary happiness is not. Also true confidence comes from experience, not from other people and their actions. Nobody goes through a loss of a substantial relationship in a week, a month, or usually 3. You don't need to break NC for any reason. Let her live with it, but honestly what you're doing is manipulative to her. Think about it. You can defend yourself all you want. But if a girl sees you dating or going out with her friends... so soon after a breakup... she's going to think you're trying to make her jealous and see it as pathetic and unattractive. Be more mature about it. Seems like she needs to too. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Yes, it would be a horrible idea to text her. I personally think your best bet would be to hang out with your own friends and pray like hell that she doesn't find out you kissed her "best friend." Ugh. I agree with the poster above who says you are in denial. If you were truly healing and in recovery, you would be focused on doing positive things to improve yourself, not hanging out with/kissing her friends as some sort of band-aid for your pain. The ego boost you're getting from that is fleeting and it isn't real - maybe it's better than actively begging/pursuing your ex, but you are still depending on other people for personal validation. You are simply replacing one problem with another. And you could easily tell the friends that you don't think hanging out all the time is such a great idea, if you really wanted to. You just don't want to... which is your decision to make, but at least be honest about it. Her going out, dancing with someone, whatever... no, that's not necessarily "fair," but it's life. I'm sure you'd be far more disgusted if she was going out with your friends every night, grinding on them, kissing them, etc. Anyone would. And again, that's not the kind of thing that would inspire a woman worth her salt to want to reconcile. If anything, it likely makes you look pathetic and needy in her eyes, like you're trying to maintain any connection to her you can. Again, your decision - but I don't see how anything good can come of this. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 once again sound advice. and I agree with some parts while disagreeing with others. I could definitely see my behavior right now coming off as denial maybe im subconsciously trying to "fake it till I make it" but is reminding myself why i dont need her and putting myself on a pedestal being in denial or is it a method of healing? as far as texting goes the only time i feel a urge to text her is to apologize if I feel that im coming accross as doing something or having intentions that I do not have. Other then that I actually dont feel much of an urge to text her and actually get an emotional high when she tries to contact me and I dont respond.Im still doing things to improve myself I let myself go kind of during the relationship and ive been in the gym everyday, started playing my sport again, am reaching out to old friends so I DO get the purpose of NC As far as the kiss goes i REALLY did not even intend to do this we were hammered and she went for it and I just followed suit and I regret it and looking back yes this was a scumbag move and will not happen again. As far as the friend things go Im going to try and clarify. I only like hanging out with the 1 that I met a long time ago that is not really her best friend and weve become legit friends. I could care less whether my exs best friends tag along or not and sometimes they choose to so i make the best of the situation. endy i REALLY appreciate how youre responses are so mature and come from such a neutral non-biased standpoint(so it seems). As far as substantial relationships it was only 2 months long but still her longest so i guess I figured the usual lengths of NC and stuff were shorter in correlation. As far as confidence coming from experience thats why i enjoy hanging with the one girl because she always brings around friends that are UNRELATED to my ex thus giving me opportunities to build confidence and social skills. I dont see myself as using anyone because the one girl I like to hang with literally just doesnt do relationships and we have this kind of mutual respect that were just friends its a weird relation but it just works. I know that at this point given my actions anything I say will probably be taken with a grain of salt but honestly I am just looking for a good time and would never go out of my way to intentionally hurt my ex. I have a reputation as a nice guy and I still care about her at the end of the day so i may have to seriously cut back my facetime with her friends as suggested.and calichick although youre mostly opposed to me i appreciate the brutal honesty because its important to hear both sides Also im not JUST hanging out with these gals. I still invite MY friends to come with us and have a good time maybe i should have mentioned that earlier. I always put the offer out to them as well and sometimes go out with them alone. Link to comment
endy Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Wait a minute you were only with this girl for 2 months? That doesn't even classify as a relationship really. You barely know that chick. Eh I would just look at it if the above is true that it just didn't work out and you dated. If you aren't overly hurt then I wouldn't even go NC. I wouldn't necessarily want to talk to the chick either, but really you should get over it rather quickly if that's the case. I wouldn't pursue the former girl at all though. Make sure you've over her before you start with someone else though. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 thats what I was trying to explain but I was still pretty hurt by the breakup since it was for another guy and as is the case with STR i feel i wasnt given a legit chance. our 2 months were VERY intense and we talked everyday nonstop long distance through skyping and such for a month straight beforehand. I fell hard for this girl and we were spending way too much time together because college was brand new and we liked our comfort zone we had in each other to the point id have dinner with the family 3 days out of the week.So yea I think what went wrong is pretty obvious moved WAY too fast. If there wasnt another guy I wouldnt be too concerned about the NC and stuff but ya know I dont want to be a backupplan or cushion or helping that guy out you get the picture.Hes someone she knew long before me and I guess as we dated he kind of wedged in and effed things up when they were going good. Anyways they already have had bad moments such as him not taking care of her when she was incoherent at the club and all kinds of things I dont know if hes even a serious prospect anymore. could I possibly test the waters next week so that class isnt so awkward or do you still believe in NC? I dont really expect anything in all honesty just kind of tired of the overall bad aura of the current situation. shes already shown interest so I doubt ill be shutdown. Honestly like you said theres not much point in pursuing her and although id like to stray away from being her journal to hear about her daily events I think given a little time I can reach a point where I can be happy for her with someone that truly makes her happy I just got upset because this new guy is without a doubt worse than me. drugdealer, no education, friends in jail just a nobody. we ended pretty amicably its just kind of gone south Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 disregard that. had a moment. definitely not initiating contact Link to comment
endy Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Well consider this... It's college. You are all drinking a crap ton... she already showed some of her true colors. This girl has no idea what love is and she's after simply put sexual attraction. That's why things usually move so fast with people. They are so sexually attracted and charge that they think that's love. All that is... is lust. I would let go and play the field personally. Look at who this person is and the situation she put herself in. You don't think you deserve better than that? Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 well we had never ever hung out drunk together until after like 2 weeks of dating and 1 month of talking before that. She used to say these things like "I always saw myself going crazy for guys in college but now I can only see myself with one" and many more things just like this and she told me deep things about her shes only told 1 other person ever such as how she has this disease that attacks youre nerve endings and kills you around age 40.let me tell you this sent my codependent nature SKYROCKETING ha because she told me the night I brought her back crying from the club because she saw her ex with a new girl(red flag?) so the nght was already emotionally charged. Im much different from her usual dating type and I think that at some point her feelings were definitely genuine since we bonded on a communication level without even being able to see each other before dating. But youre right the relationship was VERY sexually charged and that played a major role in the relationship. I do deserve better and things in life are going much much better since the BU admittedly.(minus the drama from it) Link to comment
endy Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Are you saying she has MS? Yeah, that is a red flag. The issue is you attracted her though, and you need to figure out why. Possibly codependence I suppose. Well someone that feels love from sexual attraction will have a deep connection initially. It's not to say that's not part of love, but honestly if you don't love yourself... and honestly she doesn't... a relationship will not work. Anyone that does not understand love deeper than that is going to settle. In other words their growth will be stunted (spiritually) and that is not what you were put here for. So take the experience, stop worrying about it altogether and just move on. The only reason we get attached is emotion. We are attached to the emotion of love. True love is much more than that, and it takes time, experience, and understanding to realize what it is. Some people go their whole life without ever finding it. They die old and gray, miserable, drained. So be it. It is their choice to experience that. Men need to understand that it is their urge, and most men operate out of sexual attraction. That's only the first seal of what love really is. The goal is to get above that... and find a partner who is also above that. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I like this. BDM stop the shenanigans. You're in college, go forth and frolic! Link to comment
calichick007 Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Oh, geez. Two months??? Yes, go frolic! LOL. I was under the impression this was long-term relationship. At two months, you haven't even removed the masks. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 YEs that's it MS. when someone shares that secret with you it's very hard not to feel attached or bad for them. Her last dude just disappeared from her life when she told him about her cutting and she would say to me "promise me you won't ever just disappear like him and you'll atleast let mr know" that just screams abandonment issues and I'd have to say once things started going south she probably wanted to get the first punch. In all honesty This was probably our turning point I wanted to leave when she told me she tried to OD and cut herself and had this disease but I felt guilty because of her past and that she really needed someone to be there for her.and she said " I know you probably don't want to be with damaged goods I understand" so I was guilt tripped. Codependent? Also following suit on the abandonment thing she had an ex who I'm decent friends with whom told me when he broke up with her she said "if anyone asks I broke up with you" just some insight Regarding college this BU made mr Branch way out and I'm still having a blast do dont worry about that . And am I not such a horrible person now Cali? Thanks ladies and gents Link to comment
endy Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Well I will tell you what... disease is not created just out of nowhere. It's our beliefs that cause them. We literally manifest everything in our reality. So there is something definitely wrong with her. I date a girl with MS. Actually she was a teacher of mine... (student teacher) young when I was in school. Nothing ever spawned from it. She told me she had it. She pushed me away because she thought I deserved better as well. You need to understand the effects and self worth of this person. She has none. Yeah, I would say you are probably codependent, and until you work on that you're going to attract more people with "issues". It's sad, but you did not cause her to have MS. It is not fair to make someone feel guilt like that. What that is, is someone latching on to a loving feeling and afraid it's going to go away. Love doesn't operate out of fear like that. Link to comment
bdbmwer Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 I guess I never saw these actions for what they really were I saw things like this as a gift for telling me and not many others but you're suggesting she did it out of insecurity to keep me around or something in that ball park? And YES that was her exact reason she kept saying that she didn't feel she treated me well enough I guess because I was so good to her she found it hard to return the favor on that level. She ways said she wasn't good enough for me. Perhaps this is why she goes for lowlives? I would always tell her it's ok that I act that way because I care and to not tell herself that she wasn't good enough because she was more than enough for mr and shouldn't feel obligated to do more.but we l see how that turned out lol. Thanks y'all this actually explains a lot as to why she always goes for people who treat her poorly normally Link to comment
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