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I want her back

3 Libras

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We have been married for 15 yrs. We have two children 18 and 16. We got married at 18 when she got pregnant. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride through out the years. We have fought a lot and the good times have been far and between especially over the last 5 yrs. I'm an alcoholic that is in a very popular local rock band. I have put the bottle and the band over my family for the last 5 yrs. I have treated her like dirt and took everything for granted. I didn't come home a lot after shows because we live out of town and I stayed at my drummer's house so I didn't have to drink and drive. She knew where I was at and could have checked up on me if she wanted to. I begged her to come to shows but she never wanted to because she resented the band.


About three weeks ago she said she was going to go out with her friends in the town she works at, which is about 60 miles from our house. She said that she was staying all night with her friend and that she would be home when she got home. The next night she told me she was leaving me because she needs the space and that she was going to stay at her friends when I was at home. I work out of town and I'm gone 3 to 4 nights a week. I'm always home on the weekends. For the next two weekends she stayed with her friend. It was business as usual, I was still partying and I thought she was just going out with her friends and getting her space. Boy was I wrong. I got the phone bill off of the internet and found that she had been calling and texting the same number over and over. There were over 10 hrs of calls and 200 text messages in two weeks. I called the number and it was a guy. I confronted her and she confessed that she was talking to someone. Then she confessed the next day to going out to dinner with him twice. She met him on the night before she told me she was leaving.


She wouldn't return my calls or text for a day or so. Then she gave me 15 min. two days in a row. She told me how I forced her in to leaving and that she gave me chances to change and even ask me to go to a marriage counceler. I told her how sorry I was and that I was totally wrong and I wanted to change and that I was mad at her but would forgive her. I said some things that were out of anger but I also begged her to stop seeing him and how much I wanted to make this right. I've talked to her a couple times for an hour or two over the last couple of days. The conversation is pretty cut and dry. She wants to continue to see him and doesn't want to give me a chance to show her how I can make her happy again. I feel like I'm pushing her away by bugging her but I can't help to fight for what I want. I haven't had a drink in a week now and have started on building my relationship back with my children.


She has agreed to talk to me Friday in person at the house. She wants to talk about the bills and how we are going to continue on until she files for divorce. She doesn't have the money to now. I don't know what to say or do when I see her for the first time since I found out. I don't want her to think I'm pitiful for crying and begging for her back but I also want her to at least stop seeing him for now. All she can say is she is happy now and it's over. Any advice on how I should proceed moving forward to try and get my wife back would be appreciated.

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Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make her want to come back right now. You can only do things that push her further away. You need to give her space and let her discover it all for herself, even if it's spending time with someone else (if you are prepared to accept that) and then maybe she will realise that life is not all full of roses without you.


You also need to use the time and straighten up a few affairs of your own, such as your alcoholism, getting dry, maybe make a few changes to your lifestyle, take up exercise and get in shape, and you might just find she likes the new you and maybe figures out that she still loves you, just like always. Give her space, that's all you can do for now.

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Thanks for the advice Rob. Yeah, I have stopped calling and texting her. We meet up Friday and talk about the bills. I'm going to keep my cool and focus on the task at hand. It's killing me that she won't stop seeing him, but I think I'm better off not mentioning their relationship. I have stopped drinking but I still have a long way to go. I have to stay strong for my children and myself. I don't even want to drink at this point. This is the only real relationship I've been in so I'm confused at how to go about it. I'm so glad I found this site, it has helped me focus alot at this time.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Please read the divorce remedy asap


U are dealing with the runaway wife syndrome and that is tough bse by the time u hear her verbalize it, she has been planning it for years.


U can still win her back, ask to see her, state your case and what u are willing to do and then disappear. Give her space


If u are a christian Townsend has a lot of good books on this so does Gary Smily


Good luck

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Thanks for everyone's advice. It has been one month today since I've had a drink! I feel a lot better about myself, but I still miss her like crazy. I have tried leaving her alone, but the last two weeks has been the only time I have had to talk to her since I found out. She had shut me out up until then. I got my own place and have been here for a week now. We went out to eat last Sat. night and it was akward to say the least. We took my daughter to the therapist yesterday and ate lunch. The problem is when she is not with him she wants to call or do something with me. It's very confusing. All of our conversations end with how I pushed her into doing this and she has been wanting out for a year now. The thing is that she would only leave me when she found someone else. I can't get her to understand I was sick and needed to hit rock bottom until I was ready to change. I can see everything more clearly now on what I have to do, but she is all I can think about. I want to make the things I did wrong right but I she keeps saying she doesn't want to stop seeing him and is filing for divorce when she gets paid. She is staying with him for four days straight and I will be working out of town for three days when she gets back. I'm just going to leave her alone and take care of myself. I just don't know how to not talk about the elephant in the room when we do talk. I will be getting the divorce remedy book this weekend.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update. It has been two months since she left and started seeing him. I just got a shocker yesterday and found out that he is a patient at the clinic that we work at. She has the Florence Nightingale complex. I told her that I would tell her boss if she didn't break it off today. She was begging me not to tell her boss and said she broke it off with him. The problem is that she will continue to see him three days a week and will have to put him on dialysis. She is way out of his league and even though she has had sex with him she isn't attracted to him physically as she is emotionally. She really hates me now. I don't want her to lose her job and ruin her life though. I think she is really confused and she was vulderable in this situation. I'm going to have to go ahead with the divorce. We have agreed on everything and all that is left to do is to go file. I really want to try and get her back, but I am sickened by him. He is nasty! I'm keeping close tabs on her and she is calling me when she gets off from work from work and driving straight home to be with the kids. I think I'm just going to back off and let her process this and go through with the divorce and maybe one day she will see that I was trying to help her not ruin her life. I would be lying if I said I wasn't doing this for us too. I'm afraid she is going to continue to see him and lose her job and I will be screwed then. If I can't have her back now then later down the road using NC and baby steps may be the best way. I haven't drank in 6 weeks now and I feel so much better!! If anyone has any advice on the Florence Nightingale complex it would be appreciated.

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It's true that a lot of people in AA recommend not getting into a relationship in the first year (or making any major life changes, for that matter) but nobody knows if that really works because nobody's ever done it


Congratulations, 3 Libras on your sobriety! Sounds like you are in the midst of a LOT in your life right now and taking it all in stride...best wishes for continued victories big and small!!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey buddy, focus on yourself! Go to the gym, take a class at the community college, just occupy your time and hopefully keep her out of your thoughts for a few hours a day. Eventually she will lose interest in that loser she is with and probably go back to you.


Remember when you are not 100% in the inside, you are not 100% on the outside. It becomes clearly visible because people can sense when you are not at the top of your game!


Stay strong for your kids and good luck in the future!

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