still falling ( does not require response)

[stlewis1218]

First off I want to say I'm writing here because it feels therapeutic. I've been writing a lot on here and it feels better to to put something on here that other people can see, and maintain my anonymity, so thank you.

I start seeing a counselor next week.

 

I've come to the realization that most of my depression this whole summer shouldn't be directed at my ex, or at least derived from her. By not having her around, the loneliness sets in. I have a great group of close friends, they listen when i need it and are never to out of tune for me to have a shoulder. What I'm thinking about now is how out of whack my life is. The two of us(my ex and I) had a plan. And while i know as much as wanting to finish school as soon as possible. I don't know where to go from there. I always think about the future, and now i don't where to go. My mom is facing terminal illness and my dad has his own health issues. I still live at home at 25. With her we had something like the next 3 years figured out. I'm no where near ready to love again, and fear i won't for sometime. My ex was all of my support. Not that I don't receive it elsewhere but hers was the only one that gave me reason, or at least that took me seriously.

 

So I ask myself what next, I knew what my life goals are, but it seems impossible to trek out on my own like this. I have pockets of family and friends elsewhere, but I don't want to be that guy, the wanderer. I'm not really as strong as I imagined myself to be at this age. I don't know how people do it. One of my best friends lives alone and i don't understand how he doesn't go crazy. He's a bit of introvert, and so am i. I used to be more outgoing but have lost some of that energy since high school, and feel completely disconnected from people. So much for the wife, house and kids by 25, or at least closer to it.

 

thanks for listening

[dabbledave]

Mate,

 

Stop focusing on the past and the future. Focus on now; the present moment.

 

Seriously, if you are feeling lost and confused, then come home to yourself in the here and now.

 

Take a some deep breaths and think thankful thoughts about what is good in your life right now.

 

Put a smile on your face.

 

Do that as often as you need to until it becomes a habit.

 

Seriously. It's time to make the decision to be happy and grateful.

 

It's easier than you think and more powerful than you can imagine.

 

DD

[stlewis1218]

Thanks DD-

 

I just had a chat with a really good friend of mine. Everyone basically has the same thing to say, about getting myself together. My problem was I couldn't define a goal, mostly because i was stooping myself into thinking the ex and i might still happen, at least until these past few weeks. Letting go of that hit me pretty hard. Harder than i wanted to admit to myself. He basically acknowledged that I'm a different person than I was before her and I went down this long road. Slowly taking away some of that energy and self- inspiration I had maintained for so long. I've forgotten what it feels like to empower myself, or why I would bother. He told me he knows I can get that back. I think it's what I needed to hear. I broke down at the thought of the self loathing individual I've become, but it felt good to know where I had ended up. I am by no means feeling great, but I have my goal now. I want to be focused, I want to be independent again, I want to be happy again.

 

 

so thank you