From BF to GIGS then back to BF; any chance she comes back to GIGS?

[sunwar]

I wrote about this somewhere else around here but still ...

So: she: 25yo, has the same BF for 9 years; relationship is pretty ok but she is not in love; she felt in love with me about march this year, we work together, we spent lots of time together and got to know each other

Me: 30, married but going to be divorced soon, without anything to do with her. I fell in love with her about the same time;

After 2-3 months of silence, I spoke to her and we started dating by end of june;

I wasn't looking for rebound or something like this, it's just that life got me to know the most amazing person...at the wrong time

We had a very strong connection, we had great time together, she told me that neither she was looking for adventure but was verry verry unsure about what to do and she was verry scared to leave her current relationship. I know that sonds cheesy, but we both felt like soulmates to each other. We were friends, lovers, coleagues and everything we did matched great.

 

Her BF started to smell something for about 2 months and she kept denying but a month ago, after he saw a call I made to her brought it up again..she cracked and told him.

It was a verry painfull experience to her and we didn't talk for about a month...then, i contacted her and she told me that she was very guilty and decided to stay with him. However, she sounded kind of doubtfull about her decision

 

I did't do any of that sms terror or else, I respected her decision although it kills me because i love her more than anything else and she knows that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her so much that i want her to be happy, even if I am not a part of it...

 

However, even if I started the process of moving on, I still hope that she changes her mind. I want HER, not just a girl. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I am so sorry that I lost the PERSON she was.

 

So, any chance that she comes back? Their relationship was'n bad but not that great either...and now there is cheating between them and a lot of guilt. I never wanted her to experience this, and as strange as it may sound, I am sorry that her BF has to suffer too. In 2-3 months I'll be single...and I'd like to have another chance, because we could be so great together as a couple.

[NCMaster]

I would just move on. You guys are now in a messy situation. Let her and the other guy sort out their relationship, or at least give them the chance. They have quite a history. Its very possible to love/be in love with more than one person, but the longer you stay in the picture the messier this is gonna get. Let her relationship with her boyfriend come to a natural conclusion. Let her contact you if she is ever single again and take it from there. I understand feelings cant be pushed down but you shouldn't be getting involved with a girl that is in a relationship. Its probably the most important gentleman's agreement. On the flip side, she was open to it as well, so that makes both of you a bit disrespectful. Nothing you can do about it now. Work on yourself and give them space. If you guys are meant to be, she will end her current relationship, take time for herself (very important) and then take things slowly with you. If it doesn't happen that way, I would expect this whole thing to become a pattern. Eventually it will suck badly for all three parties.

 

I understand you feel like you are losing something, and like you said imagine the poor other guy. 9 years vs 3 months. Go get yourself a single girl and start over. Remember, they once had that "connection" as well. Its called the honeymoon phase. It blows over.

Good luck man

[EgoJoe]

I was really disgusted when I read what you wrote OP and I think you might do well to scrape together the last of your dignity and walk away from this. She made her decisions but you are the damn man. I think pursueing a Woman in a relationship because your marriage failed is pathetic.

 

I understand you've got your own issues but I would seriously consider seeing a Therapist and waking up to realize that you probably don't have a damn clue how much you hurt the other guy (HER BOYFRIEND) and you say, "Now there is cheating between them..." like thats a good reason for them not to work and her to come to you.

 

The nerve of your statements belies a chilling truth to the seemingly sheer selfish nature of your persona.

[6yeardumped]

I was really disgusted when I read what you wrote OP and I think you might do well to scrape together the last of your dignity and walk away from this. She made her decisi'oens but you are the damn man. I think pursueing a Woman in a relationship because your marriage failed is pathetic.

 

I understand you've got your own issues but I would seriously consider seeing a Therapist and waking up to realize that you probably don't have a damn clue how much you hurt the other guy (HER BOYFRIEND) and you say, "Now there is cheating between them..." like thats a good reason for them not to work and her to come to you.

 

The nerve of your statements belies a chilling truth to the seemingly sheer selfish nature of your persona.

 

I could't agree more...If you're "in love" with a woman in a relationship, WALK AWAY...if you "steal her" from the other guy, the same will happen to you if you do get her after all... and it suits you...

 

There should be a "code of conduct" for relationships...men may not court other men's women. And the same goes the other way. Women should not court other women's men.

 

Period.

[sunwar]

Thank you all for your answers.

Nobody is proud about the consequences. I am not making excuses.

Neither me or she ever intended to hurt anyone, we were not looking for a thrill.You do not choose the person you fall in love with. Neither one of us ever cheated before, there is no pattern.

What was between us was no rebound, honeymoon or so.I didn't pursue her BECAUSE my marriage is failed . It was really beautiful but..at the wrong time.

I didn't put any pressure on her since and I'll never will. I will respect her decision. I will move on. I just feel like I've lost the girl of my dreams.

[Eocsor]

You do not choose the person you fall in love with./QUOTE]

 

But you do as an adult have the choice of what you do in that case and if the other person is married you stay away. Karma has a way of biting us in the arse. Treat this as a learning experience and don't screw around again. I've been on the other side of the fence, my ex wife had an affair. And the pain you are feeling now can't compare to that in a million years.

 

So be thankful you got off so lightly and go find a single woman.

[NCMaster]

Thank you all for your answers.

Nobody is proud about the consequences. I am not making excuses.

Neither me or she ever intended to hurt anyone, we were not looking for a thrill.You do not choose the person you fall in love with. Neither one of us ever cheated before, there is no pattern.

What was between us was no rebound, honeymoon or so.I didn't pursue her BECAUSE my marriage is failed . It was really beautiful but..at the wrong time.

I didn't put any pressure on her since and I'll never will. I will respect her decision. I will move on. I just feel like I've lost the girl of my dreams.

 

I would like to disagree with what you are saying. I'm sure you guys made some "choices" to spend time together. Every time a choice like this was made, you both were open to something evolving. The fact is that humans are capable of falling in love with numerous people. Therefore the, taking the respectful approach dictates that you refuse to see her the second you put yourself in the other guy's shoes and ask yourself if you would be okay with your girl going out with that guy.

 

I just find it that while you are in a committed relationship, you look after it. And if others are in it, you make sure you give them a chance to look after it. The other posters seem to have a point about your selfish ways.

[6yeardumped]

I would like to disagree with what you are saying. I'm sure you guys made some "choices" to spend time together. Every time a choice like this was made, you both were open to something evolving. The fact is that humans are capable of falling in love with numerous people. Therefore the, taking the respectful approach dictates that you refuse to see her the second you put yourself in the other guy's shoes and ask yourself if you would be okay with your girl going out with that guy.

 

I just find it that while you are in a committed relationship, you look after it. And if others are in it, you make sure you give them a chance to look after it. The other posters seem to have a point about your selfish ways.

 

Mostly because some or even all of us are at the other side... My ex left me after 6 years to hook up and what else more with a co-worker that had been hitting on her for a few months. I was in another country over the last 20 months but visiting her every 3 weeks. She broke up over the phone, 3 weeks after BU I returned to her country in panic mode, not even knowing about the existence of this co-worker... only after I moved all my life to her country she was able to tell me that she was hooking up with him... So, neither her or the new guy are decent people...you dont mess with a freaking committed relationship...EVER!

 

If I knew that a girl I was interested in was in a relationship, I wouldnt go out with her, take her to bars, etc... And if I did that and she accepted coming with me, I could see from that same moment that she is one of the bullets to dodge...

[NCMaster]

The problem is, to what extent does one excuse the girl in this case?

 

I guess one can excuse someone the first time this happen as a "lesson learnt" or "I didn't realize the consequences".

 

Some people are generally vulnerable at time for this kind of #@$ and might be impressionable to start with.

 

Keep asking yourself OP, what if you were the guy she had a 9 year relationship with and you truly believed that this was the girl for you?

[6yeardumped]

The problem is, to what extent does one excuse the girl in this case?

 

I guess one can excuse someone the first time this happen as a "lesson learnt" or "I didn't realize the consequences".

 

Some people are generally vulnerable at time for this kind of #@$ and might be impressionable to start with.

 

Well, I have been in NC for almost 4 months, and almost 6 months have passed since BU.

 

I haven't excused her nor forgiven her yet... I don't know if she's with the other guy or not, or any other guy for that matter. I am doing NC to heal and not suffer anymore. I still love her though.

 

I understand that she was "impressed" by the other guy, and since I was her first relationship (she is 29, only had been with me her whole life), this situation was bound to happen (I see that now...it took me a couple of months to understand that).

 

I don't know if I'll ever forgive her, but I do know that I will forget her (or at least, the feelings I still have for her...). As soon as those feelings disappear, I'll be able to know if I can actually forgive her.

 

For now, I don't care about forgiveness, only forgetting... and that means full NC... since she hasn't contacted me neither over the last 4 months, I assume she is following the same route, or maybe simply enjoying her newly found freedom or her new man...

 

Good side of this: as it happened to the OP's relation, my ex's relation is also bound to crash, even when I'm doing NC (karma is a * * * * * ain't it?)

[sunwar]

I wasn't "hitting" on her at any point...I'm not some hotshot working his magic around...nor trying to "steal" other man's girl to prove himself. I told her about my feelings because I thought that I must be sincere to her and not hide behind our frienship. She felt the same for me for some time..without any of us "hitting" at each other.

And I don't want her back to mess around some more...I am not "looking for a girlfriend" , I'm ok with myself being single.

Again, not making excuses, just trying to explain my situation. I understand the anger against me in your posts, but even people like me can love from all their hearts.

[6yeardumped]

I told her about my feelings because I thought that I must be sincere to her and not hide behind our frienship. She felt the same for me for some time..without any of us "hitting" at each other.

And I don't want her back to mess around some more...I am not "looking for a girlfriend" , I'm ok with myself being single.

Again, not making excuses, just trying to explain my situation. I understand the anger against me in your posts, but even people like me can love from all their hearts.

 

If you came so close to her up to the point of growing feelings for her and feeling comfortable enough to express them to her directly, yeah, you we're definitely TOO CLOSE taking into account that she was in a committed relationship. As for her, she did the same error as you did: being in a committed relationship, she got too close to you, and let you get close to her up to the point that feelings arose and you even felt comfortable enough to discuss them!

 

That may not be considered "hitting" on someone, but simply the final result of the "unconscious" flirting that came before - I underline unconscious because both you and her chose to ignore the red flags that your own brains gave you that such flirting is indeed "socially" or "morally" wrong. Just the fact that you are aware of the issue nowadays means that you we're also aware when you were falling in love with her...

 

Good for you for not wanting her back to mess around some more... bad for her if she does it. and bad for her bf. and bad for you if in the end you succumb to her... because even if you manage to magically get together and remove the bf and her guilt from the picture, sooner or later karma is gonna catch up, and she will most likely leave you (or you her) for a new shinny toy that just happens to come along and "fall in love" with either of you...

 

Geez, people have no idea of what a relationship means nowadays... freaking consumption society...

 

I do believe that you can love from all you heart, but I also believe that both you and this girl have no idea of what a committed relationship actully means...

[endy]

I wasn't "hitting" on her at any point...I'm not some hotshot working his magic around...nor trying to "steal" other man's girl to prove himself. I told her about my feelings because I thought that I must be sincere to her and not hide behind our frienship. She felt the same for me for some time..without any of us "hitting" at each other.

And I don't want her back to mess around some more...I am not "looking for a girlfriend" , I'm ok with myself being single.

Again, not making excuses, just trying to explain my situation. I understand the anger against me in your posts, but even people like me can love from all their hearts.

 

 

I'm not here to judge you, but I've been somewhat in your situation. What love is... or falling in true love is much more than what you had. The fact that she was married and it failed should speak volumes. People should understand love COMPLETELY, and seek to understand each other on a intimate level with spirit, body, and mind present... before going into marriage. People have a lot to learn about their body, mind and how they operate. An action that causes another damage or pain is not done out of love but want and desire. It was a need to take pain away on your end. In other words you "needed' each other for temporary happiness... That is not an act of love. An act of love satisfies all three of spirit, mind, and body. Your actions were a self preserving act of mind based on beliefs most likely of what love is. This is not true love as it did not satisfy all three. You want to know why I say this? Look how it ended... With pain and suffering, not only for you but for all three people involved. IF love is understood by two people in a committed relationship, even when they grow apart... there is not much pain and suffering. They understand that what they got from the relationship was essential for growing and bettering themselves. This needs to be examined now. You need to examine your beliefs IMO.

 

Operating out of only self preservation of your painful feelings will never result in true love. Did you ever feel guilt about being with her, obviously she did. The best you can hope for is you and her both learn this lesson and it changes your beliefs on what love is, and what love isn't.

[sunwar]

IThe fact that she was married and it failed should speak volumes.

She is not married, I (still) am.

[endy]

She is not married, I (still) am.

yeah didn't have time to edit but the message is still the same. You most likely used her to avoid the pain. Its not healthy and you need to realize why you did this. You can say it's because you felt something, but any self perserving act that causes pain to others is not love. Including her now still bf, and your future ex wife.

 

I'm not trying to judge you, I'm trying to get you to see that you can "fix" this belief. You'll do it when you're ready. If not, there's just going to be more pain and suffering until that belief or "sliver" is removed.

[sunwar]

Perhaps what you guys are saying is right, I might not have enough experience...otherwise I wouldn't be seeking advice here. I will think about what you said. Thank you all again.

[EgoJoe]

It's really hard for me to use harsh but non-judgmental language based off of conclusions from what you admitted. The point is that if you really loved her and respected her, yourself and her relationship nobody would have been caused this pain.

 

She made her decisions as I stated before. But, you're the man and you have a responsibility to yourself to demand better.

[6yeardumped]

The point is that if you really loved her and respected her, yourself and her relationship nobody would have been caused this pain.

 

Completely agree, but also note that it was not his fault exclusively. Her attitude of allowing the "approaching" and probably even seeking it at an unconscious level are also part of the blaming issues.

 

 

She made her decisions as I stated before. But, you're the man and you have a responsibility to yourself to demand better.

 

Exactly! She made her bed and now has to lie on it. As the OP did and now is suffering emotionally from his "loss"... In any case sunwar, take a deep look into yourself and your life... I can guarantee that regardless of the instigating element for that introspection, you'll come out a better man after doing so...

[sunwar]

One more question...

My wife doesn't know about all this. Considering that we will break up anyway, should I confess to her (it will hurt her, no matter what) or not ( but taking the chance that she will eventualy find out later in life - less likely,but even so..)

At least she shouldn't have to suffer more.

[NCMaster]

I am a believer that the truth sets free.

She might hate you, but let her, it might be the closure she needs.

 

If I knew the truth in my situation, I would have moved on much sooner. It might be the best gift you can give her. Just do not expect any kind language in return. I guess its all about the way you do it.

 

Can you see now, that your actions caused pain for:

1. yourself

2. the 9 year relationship guy

3. the 9 year relationship girl

4. your ex-wife.

 

So there are no winners. I say you, because I mean if you stood back, you would have saved everyone the extra troubles. And you know what, I think you might have had a chance with the other girl at something good if you stepped back.

 

I guess this is one very big learning experience! Have a look at Endy's breakup thread. He had the girl for 6 months. He took the right approach by realizing where is feelings were coming from, which parts of love he did and not have. If you want to stop this from happening again, learn about these things Endy described.

 

It might feel like everyone is teaming up on you! Not at all, you should see this as positive feedback, because it might contribute to great success down the line for you!

[6yeardumped]

One more question...

My wife doesn't know about all this. Considering that we will break up anyway, should I confess to her (it will hurt her, no matter what) or not ( but taking the chance that she will eventualy find out later in life - less likely,but even so..)

At least she shouldn't have to suffer more.

 

IMO it depends on what ground you stand nowadays with your wife. Are you on "talking friendly" terms? Are you just avoiding each other...? It all sums up to one thing: your beliefes and your self-awareness of the pain this situation has caused and it still has potential to cause if more harmful information is thrown in the air at the wrong point in time...

 

It's a very sensible and subjective subject: it depends on the pain still lingering between you two and on the timing chosen to give her the info...

 

I think you should tell her...either now or at a later moment, when it won't hurt her as much....

[endy]

I don't think the issue is blame. I think the issue is a lack of understanding and compassion or love for oneself in this situation. People do this all of the time for temporary happiness. They keep going and operate out of self preservation. Which is your mind telling you that hey I need something else to correct this pain. It's fight or flight in other words. It just comes with an understanding of thinking and beliefs.

 

I think like any other experience it was bound to happen because both of the above people operate out of the above, and it is out of fear of being alone. All that is... and the situation and the pain that was caused is... your spirit saying wrong move. Check your beliefs in your mind and why you are doing this. It caused pain, because it's not pleasing to the spirit. Yeah, I read too much lol.

 

I recently totally dumped everything I've ever believed about the world, my mind, culture, any religious beliefs I've been taught about God and am now forming my own ideas and beliefs again about everything... get this based on how I feel. Well besides buddhism which I completely agree with.

 

It's not right to judge, not in my beliefs because believe it or not. You've been exactly where this person has been at one point in time. Maybe not where you conciously remember, but spiritually it takes time (or the illusion of time), experience, and mistakes to grow.

 

 

P.S. Don't you guys ever wonder if I'm some sort of gypsy lol... Some of my posts are just far out sometimes.

[Eocsor]

One more question...

My wife doesn't know about all this. Considering that we will break up anyway, should I confess to her (it will hurt her, no matter what) or not ( but taking the chance that she will eventualy find out later in life - less likely,but even so..)

At least she shouldn't have to suffer more.

 

At this stage i would say no, if it will cause her more pain don't do it. Honesty is not always the best policy.

[endy]

One more question...

My wife doesn't know about all this. Considering that we will break up anyway, should I confess to her (it will hurt her, no matter what) or not ( but taking the chance that she will eventualy find out later in life - less likely,but even so..)

At least she shouldn't have to suffer more.

 

 

Take time to examine what your true intentions are in your marriage. Is that love impossible to get back? Learn from this and grow. Your wife probably is not perfect. If I was ever married I would try to make it work no matter what. Especially with kids involved, however... there may just be too much pain to be overcome.

[sunwar]

And you know what, I think you might have had a chance with the other girl at something good if you stepped back.

 

I did that, after about two months, because I was afraid of getting into something this messy as we did eventualy... She came back to me saying that she didn't wanted us to break up and I didn't sent her away...I don't blame her for that, I take full responsability.

I also always encouraged her to be straight and tell her bf the truth if she wanted to be with me. The reason she didn't is because 2-3 months were not enough time for her to realise if she really was prepared to give 100% to a relationship with me or if there was still something to save about her relationship with her bf. I know how it feels to want to try even the impossible to save your relationship so I understood her hesitations.