ThisClose To Breaking NC: Need Encouragement

[RitaTrue]

Hi, I'd appreciate a lot of encouragement.

 

Cliff Notes Version: After being together 8-9 months, my ex and I broke up amicably in August. Two months later, I went NC. Recently, he's been contacting me a lot. However, Ive just realized that he may be leaving the country soon, since his student visa expires in mid December.

 

He's my ex and friend. And for the first time, I feel guilty about NC. I feel like he wants to talk to me, now, because he doesnt know when he might be able to again--along with other selfish reasons, of course.

 

People here have talked about reconciling. I dont know what that is honestly. We're not getting back together. But we're friendly. I have mixed feelings about NC, and dont know what the wise thing would be in this case?

 

I appreciate any advice,

Rita

[AutumnBorn]

Reet (that's what I call my friend Rita), NC isn't a rule, it's a tool that can be useful. It doesn't work for everyone in the healing process and sometimes making contact is a positive thing.

 

What was your goal in instituting NC? What purpose would making contact serve? What is the worst that could happen? What is the best? We each have to weigh the positives and negatives of NC/LC/making contact and it changes from day to day. These are questions you have to answer for yourself. You'll come to the right decision for you, just as we all decide for ourselves.

 

You don't have to feel guilt for doing what's right for you, whatever it is.

[thelastsong]

I kind of know how you feel. My ex's visa is expiring in May, and I'm probably leaving the country in December, so the very last day I ever see him is quickly approaching.

 

It's really up to you and how you're doing. If talking to him will mess you up, then obviously the answer is no. If you think you're strong enough and that everything can be friendly and respectful, then go ahead.

 

Try not to let the visa expiration cloud your judgment. It kind of adds a sense of panic to the situation, but just ask yourself what you'd do if this weren't the case. NC is for you, after all, and ultimately, you're the only one who can say whether or not you're ready to talk to him again.

[dabbledave]

Hi RitaTrue,

 

I'm just entering NC after three and a half months of LC. On my thread I just posted a list of compelling reasons why I need to go NC now.

 

Maybe you need to do list of pros and cons of each course of action, including the long-term impacts on your emotions of each course of action.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[Benville]

Just echoing what's already been said. You need to consider the outcome of your actions for yourself, not him. He may just be trying to be friends, he may feel sad you've not got back in touch, none of that is a factor. It's all about you.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be mates with him, but you have to think it through carefully and whether you can handle 100% platonic friendship at the moment. My guess would be not.

 

There's an old axiom I live by at times like these. "If there's the slightest doubt, there is no doubt". If you knew you'd be fine with just friends, you'd not be asking us for input. This means (in my opinion) there's a part of you that knows you're not ready for this yet.`

[Larkin]

I agree, you have to do what feels right for you. When my ex broke up with me, she "hoped we could still be friends blah blah blah..." but I went full NC. I broke NC at the 8-week mark because I felt really guilty ignoring her and didn't want to lose her as a friend. We had lunch together and had a great time. Reconciliation is not in the cards, but we've remained friendly, and I have no regrets about breaking NC. I think the key is to have no expectations as to outcome. I also believe the initial period of NC was absolutely essential as it allowed the dust to settle and the acute feelings to subside.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

[RitaTrue]

I kind of know how you feel. My ex's visa is expiring in May, and I'm probably leaving the country in December, so the very last day I ever see him is quickly approaching.

 

It's really up to you and how you're doing. If talking to him will mess you up, then obviously the answer is no. If you think you're strong enough and that everything can be friendly and respectful, then go ahead.

 

Try not to let the visa expiration cloud your judgment. It kind of adds a sense of panic to the situation, but just ask yourself what you'd do if this weren't the case. NC is for you, after all, and ultimately, you're the only one who can say whether or not you're ready to talk to him again.

 

It's good to know that someone's in a somewhat similar situation.

 

What would I do? I'd continue to work on myself, healthwise. And then contact him somewhere between mid and late November, ideally during Thanksgiving break. That way I would know that he was free, ideally, and it wouldnt be on exam week. Plus, if we skyped, I'd be in better shape, LOL

[RitaTrue]

Reet (that's what I call my friend Rita), NC isn't a rule, it's a tool that can be useful. It doesn't work for everyone in the healing process and sometimes making contact is a positive thing.

 

What was your goal in instituting NC? What purpose would making contact serve? What is the worst that could happen? What is the best? We each have to weigh the positives and negatives of NC/LC/making contact and it changes from day to day. These are questions you have to answer for yourself. You'll come to the right decision for you, just as we all decide for ourselves.

 

You don't have to feel guilt for doing what's right for you, whatever it is.

 

One of my friends called me Reets also =]

 

My goal: to...honestly, find out how to keep in contact with him, after he leaves the country. That way, after I heal, we can resume friendship and I won't have to get depressed that a great guy just left my life. (Even though we're romantically incompatable)

 

The worst that can happen: he can completely ignore me. Silent treatment really effs the brain. (Which he's found out personally, since I went NC (even though silent treatment wasn't what I was doing this for). He can ask me about my life, which I dont want to share. Bleh.

Somehow losing dignity.

 

What's the best: Being cordial, friendly. Friends. Being friends.

[RitaTrue]

Just echoing what's already been said. You need to consider the outcome of your actions for yourself, not him. He may just be trying to be friends, he may feel sad you've not got back in touch, none of that is a factor. It's all about you.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be mates with him, but you have to think it through carefully and whether you can handle 100% platonic friendship at the moment. My guess would be not.

 

There's an old axiom I live by at times like these. "If there's the slightest doubt, there is no doubt". If you knew you'd be fine with just friends, you'd not be asking us for input. This means (in my opinion) there's a part of you that knows you're not ready for this yet.`

You're absolutely right: Im not ready. But since I dont know how long he's staying in the country (whether til December or 2-3 years from now for a master's, it feels like time is of the essence.

[RitaTrue]

I agree, you have to do what feels right for you. When my ex broke up with me, she "hoped we could still be friends blah blah blah..." but I went full NC. I broke NC at the 8-week mark because I felt really guilty ignoring her and didn't want to lose her as a friend. We had lunch together and had a great time. Reconciliation is not in the cards, but we've remained friendly, and I have no regrets about breaking NC. I think the key is to have no expectations as to outcome. I also believe the initial period of NC was absolutely essential as it allowed the dust to settle and the acute feelings to subside.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

You'd be one of the rare people I've read on ENA, who've broken NC, and didnt feel regret.

 

PS, what's reconciliation? (My ex and I aren't getting back together, if that's what you mean?)

[Larkin]

Thanks for sharing.

 

You'd be one of the rare people I've read on ENA, who've broken NC, and didnt feel regret.

 

PS, what's reconciliation? (My ex and I aren't getting back together, if that's what you mean?)

 

Well, we were friends before we dated, and the relationship only lasted a few months, so breaking NC wasn't that difficult under those circumstances. Every situation is different, which is why I don't view NC as a hard and fast rule.

 

For various reasons (distance, work schedules, personalities, etc.) we're better as friends than as a couple. Thus, I don't see us reconciling, as in getting back together in a relationship.

[GabrielS]

NC is all about giving yourself a chance to heal and to feel independent and whole again. It shouldn never be used as a tool to get your ex back since you should already have assumed the relationship was over and have no expectations of reconciling again whan you initiated NC. I'm not sure what your intentions are but I would stick with NC until you felt 100% content with yourself, couldn't care less what your ex is doing, who they are seeing and feel fully confident that if you ever have contact it would have absolutely no effect on you regardless of the outcome.

 

By your post, I don't think you are at that point yet. Remember, what is imoprtant is YOU! Don't initiate contact if it will push you back to day one again. How awful would that be?

 

Sending you lots of good vibes

Gabriel

[RitaTrue]

NC is all about giving yourself a chance to heal and to feel independent and whole again. It shouldn never be used as a tool to get your ex back since you should already have assumed the relationship was over and have no expectations of reconciling again whan you initiated NC.

 

Yes. I know. We're not getting back together. I'm fine with that. My problem is a different issue all together: it's just about seeing him before he leaves the country--possibly forever.

 

I'm not sure what your intentions are but I would stick with NC until you felt 100% content with yourself, couldn't care less what your ex is doing, who they are seeing and feel fully confident that if you ever have contact it would have absolutely no effect on you regardless of the outcome.

 

Ordinarily, I'd agree with this too. But I feel this is a little different because his home is in a developing country, NOT the United States. So, it's not like I can just phone him whenever, like I could if he were American. Since he'll be here for 6 weeks, I'm not sure if that'll be enough time. Since the last 2 weeks are solely dedicated to Finals. I think the best time to contact him, if I were going to, would be during Thanksgiving break.

 

By your post, I don't think you are at that point yet. Remember, what is imoprtant is YOU! Don't initiate contact if it will push you back to day one again. How awful would that be?

Again, to me, it's not so much about contact versus no contact. It feels more like opportunity versus closed opportunity: meaning, last chance to speak to him, versus no more chances, period.

 

Thanks anyway,

Rita =]

[RitaTrue]

After taking everything in, and your advice, I broke NC. I called him.

 

At first, I did feel like I took a step backwards. I felt like I was giving away power somehow. The second time we spoke, it was a little bit worse. I felt like I went from 80% moved on, to 65%. He agreed to meet up with me (He lives 3 hours away). He said he was afraid to resurrect old boyfriend feelings, but that he was making the arrangements to see me anyway. 3 day passed. Then 5. I knew he wasnt coming. I never heard from him after that.

 

Not only this, but contrary to initial fear, I found out that he's not leaving the country next month, but is staying for another 2-3 years for more courses. So my fear was in vain.

 

This whole experience, though topsy-turvy, has actually STRENGTHENED my ability to move on. Beforehand, when I was in NC, I felt guilty over him. Now, after breaking NC, that guilt is gone. Also, when I was on NC, I focused on how we could be friends after I'd moved on. Now, that's no longer my issue. If we're friends, fine. If not, then I'll have peace with that decision too.

But I just wanted to thank you guys for helping me

[motley802]

Congratulations for moving on. Its a hard journey but totally worth it. Onwards and upwards....

[Benville]

Glad to hear you're doing better Rita!

 

And as it turns out, it shows that taking a different route can help. By contacting him afterall it led to a situation where you've come off the better in the long run.