lonely

[petesanchez]

I was feeling depressed tonight. I searched depression and came upon the concept of loneliness. While I'm sure we're all aware of both terms they do differ. Recently read a rather succinct distinction from the two:

 

Loneliness is the lack of intimacy with others; depression, with the self.

 

I'm well enough adjusted and not at odds with myself; I have, however, a near lack of emotionally intimacy with others. I'm lonely. I live alone. I have managed to develop a few friends over the years, but interact with them infrequently as they don't live near. This weekend I was in social situations, but connected with nobody. Almost only compounds the problem. I drink alone in bars.

 

I go weeks if not months without physical contact with another human -- I figure the human touch must mean something. It's odd to think about. Maybe it's meaningful, maybe it's not.

 

I am perhaps lonely most where any sort of love interest is concerned. I'm 29 years old and have been longing for that for nearly half my life now... to some degree. Whatever is normal, I suppose. I've had zero intimacy this way, emotional or physical. The wasted time is nearly unbearable to think of. I'm acutely aware of it. (and embarrassed to admit to anyone such a monumental personal gaff in life experience)

 

Anyhow, I didn't post this to whine. It is what it is. I don't enjoy pity parties. I could talk to family, I suppose... but I already know most of the answers to the problems I speak of. I don't like to whine.

 

I felt perhaps it'd be cathartic to write, however. So you read this post.

[petesanchez]

Also: my moments of intense -- and I use that word liberally here -- angst/self-pity/sadness with my situation and self-treatment are fleeting. Which is damned unfortunate, if you ask me. Instead I usually operate with a mild melancholy. . . just below the thresh-hold needed for me to make the changes I need to fix my problems. Being well adjusted, tolerant, and mentally tough works against you sometimes.

[BlackGoaty]

I may not fully understand how you feel deep inside but know that you are not alone in this. There are times I feel this way too. I think alot depends on whether you are living in a big city where you can easily make friends, catch up with old friends or just to go out for new activities.

 

Mild melancholy definitely work wonders to push ourselves to get out of the comfort zone and achieve what we humans look for, happiness.

[LDRohnos]

Every human being is susceptible to loneliness no matter how smart/well educated/popular they are. Sometimes people feel lonely even if they're surrounded by people all the time. At some point you almost accept that you're going to be alone and put yourself into a mind-state which is...as you said..."just below the threshold needed to make changes".

 

You accept the reality that you know (which is hurting you) over what could be if you changed, which has it's risks. Change is not easy and I've had many bouts of loneliness (and overall depression) myself over the course of my life. Thinking people don't understand me, that I'm somehow different than everyone else and so on. It's better to be alone and in my own misery than put myself out there and risk rejection and all these other unhealthy things your mind makes up simply because it wants to protect itself from a perceived danger of the unknown. Sometimes it takes years upon years of consciously changing habits so you're a more rounded person...it sometimes seems easier to just stay the way you are and suffer.

 

That is...by and large what happens when you're in depression. Not necessarily the kind of depression that leaves you crying on the couch unable to move but a depressed state of mind where you know something is injuring you but decide it's easier not to do anything about it....or to just "tolerate" it.

 

I have put myself to a point in my life where I'm actually very comfortable around people...almost a completely 180 from where I was. To do this I needed to break myself out of the shells that were keeping me the way I was. Habits that I formed for a long time while growing up and in my late teens that held me back. It took me years and plenty of questioning myself if it's all worth it...it was.

 

Change the bad habits (such as sitting around watching TV or a video game for hours on end) that are the cause of it, whatever they may be. Figure out what those habits are and get rid of them one at a time...eventually your mind will be open to new things and new experiences.

 

It's tough...but totally doable.

[Cutlet]

I'm 29 myself and can completely relate. Not having a love interest can be so unbelievably crippling and I had so many regrets in my life until recently. I remember times where I'd feel nothing and used to just sit thinking of the time I’d wasted over the years.

 

Finally this year I met a girl who was so amazing she made me forget all my hang ups. For both of us it was our first real relationship and we changed so much in such a short space of time.

 

Unfortunately it only lasted 8 months and I'm still getting over it now. However I'm so glad I took that risk. It hurt a lot to lose her but I'm sure once I get through this I'll be better for it.

I know it hard but I'm sure when you finally do meet someone everything will make sense.

 

Things will just slide into perspective.

[petesanchez]

How'd you meet?

 

I'm sure I'd figure it out if I'd put myself in the position to have that . . . just need to do this.

[Cutlet]

Well I meet her through an internet dating site. I got so tired of waiting for the right girl to turn up I just put myself out there.

I don't know if its for everyone but if you go into it thinking you've got nothing to lose then you can't really go wrong. Hopefully it should just give you a bit more confidence talking to girls.

 

For me I was lucky. The first date was amazing and we both clicked instantly. We only planned to see each other for an hour or 2 and ended up chatting for 4

If you try it I hope you have the same luck I did.