Anna. Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 I am 26 years old, and I feel like I am in my mid-thirties. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I have a wonderful 3 year old daughter. I am in my first semester of grad school after an unsuccessful summer of job hunting. I have a decent part-time job. But I have 4 and 1/2 years of baggage with my daughter's father. We're on the outs right now, on the verge of breaking up over his drinking, etc. Whatever. I just looked at his old myspace page from years ago. And it made me realize, he's really aged. He's 30 now, he was 25 when we got together, but he looks and acts like it's been 10 years instead of 5. I feel like I look the same as I did at 22, but I feel about 10 years older too. I think it may be because we both did a lot of partying in our younger days, and then had to deal with the fall-out of that in our twenties. Anyway, I don't know. He was so much more vibrant then. Now he is dull and depressed. And I feel like it has sucked the life out of me. The thing is, looking back at those pictures and his comments made me realize, it's me that has caused the change in him. I am like a big blinking ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES sign, because I hold him sooo accountable, and he's miserable. That's his own fault, though! I didn't get myself pregnant all by myself. And yes I do hold him accountable, but it's been to his great benefit. I always worry if we break up, he won't be able to hold himself accountable. Scratch that because we have broken up for months, and even then I still hold him accountable. I'M TIRED OF IT. If I ever started dating someone else, that might be the only way he'd cut the control I have over him. I know that sounds screwed up, but it's true. He sees our daughter as much as he does even when we are broken up because I tell him to. He does family events and holidays with his daughter when we are broken up because I plan them and make him. While that's all well and good for her, and he enjoys doing it, he wouldn't know what to do without me telling him to. This weekend we were supposed to have family pics made, and we were arguing so I said maybe we should just cancel them. I said you decide whether to postpone them or not because I don't want to tell you what to do (which is what we were fighting about). And he says, "I want you to tell me what to do as far as activities go." ???? Sooooo, even if we are broken up, I'm supposed to plan this man's social life for the next 15 years? I don't want to feel this old. I"ll be 27 in 2 months and I'm scared to death of wasting my youth on this crap. I'd like to be able to have fun sometimes too! But I'm always having to be the responsible one, reigning him in, setting a good example. I don't want that. Now my question is not about whether or not to stay with him. And from this and my previous posts, I know I would even tell myself to leave him be. My question is, even if I do that, do I deserve to NOT feel old? Or am I at that stage? Am I doomed to be the responsible, homely single mother forever? Is it just wishful thinking to think if I leave him I will find someone who makes me feel my age...someone who's not divorced and bitter and depressed. I never got to have my dream wedding, or any wedding for that matter. Since I have a child, is that just a pipe dream? Or should I get to have a night off from being the responsible mother/student sometimes? because I don't feel like I deserve it. It's almost like he's made me feel like if he has to halfway responsible when he doesn't want to, then I should have to be completely responsible all the time. I just want to kiss somebody and enjoy it. I want to wear a sexy skirt out to an adult dinner, and have a few drinks with a man who knows his limits....and then go home. I want to NOT feel like I've been married to this man for 20 years and have too much invested to leave! Because that's not the case! I want my guy to make me feel good and relaxed, not anxious because I know he's trying his best, but he's still unhappy. ADVICE PLEASE!!!! Link to comment
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