Older woman - younger man

[laura-j]

Hey y'all.

 

So I'm back at this dating thing and it's been kind of a nightmare. Now I'm faced with something that is bugging me and everyone says it shouldn't. I have a friend that we have been friends for 6 years and he's awesome. We dated briefly three years ago and broke up because he decided that his 21 year old ex was the right person for him. Which totally made sense (you'll understand in a second). So there were zero hard feelings and we have maintained a closeish friendship, IM, texting hanging out occasionally since. A couple of weeks ago I saw him again (girlfriend is long gone and not coming back, for reals) and we had immediate chemistry and ended up finally consumating our friendship/relationship. And it was GREAT! He's a sweetie, everything good, good job, own apartment, nice car, etc. He's a really great person, good fit for me. He's funny, he's smart, he's cute as hell and we laugh like there is no tomorrow together. Always have.

 

The issues is: I'm 41. He's 24. OUCH! All my friends are telling me that it doesn't matter, blah blah blah. But it makes me feel kind of weird. I can't stop doing the math in my head. He doesn't care one bit. I said, "This is great too bad it can't be a thing." and he said, "why?" I said, "the age thing obviously" then he pointed to his face and said, "does this look like someone who cares?" He was happily introducing me to all of his friends and his brother and was very protective of me. (this made a REALLY nice change from some of the other men I've dated recently.)

 

So I'm freaked out. I really like him, I've always really liked him. He has been the instigator 100% in everything because I don't want to be Mrs. Robinson. When he was 18 someone asked me in front of him what my type was I replied "him in 20 years"... I always was attracted to him, but didn't try to make a move or anything. That was all him all the time. The first time he kissed me I was shocked, that was three years ago. I didn't think there could be anything with the age thing. He is no random cougar hookup (cringing at the word cougar)... I know him really well, we worked together for 2.5 years, in a very small office.

 

I don't want to wimp out because of the age, but I don't want him to lose his 20s because of me. It is so funny if it was backwards no one would think twice, including me. I know I'm over thinking, but that's what these forums are good for, saying the stuff you can barely admit to yourself!

 

Guess I'm just looking for some happy stories of it working out, maybe not forever, but awhile. How do you get past the jokes, etc... cougar, ugh. Younger men like me, I don't approach them or look for them, guys my age aren't into me... classic. I don't think I'd get to keep him forever, but he is such a great person that I don't want to back out because of numbers.

 

Any advice?

[Ariel85]

When he was 18 someone asked me in front of him what my type was I replied "him in 20 years"...

 

Way icky. And despite you thinking you never made a move on him, a comment like this was pretty suggestive to a young man. Right now, the "in" thing is young guys hooking up with older women. It's a huge badge among younger guys, and they all seem to want to fulfill their cougar fantasy.

 

I think an age gap like this won't ultimately work in your favor. You shouldn't be thinking about him losing his 20s, but more about you losing your 40s. In 10 years, he'll be at his prime on the dating market, and you'll be in your 50s, with a lot less options. Also, I couldn't imagine being attracted to the mind of a guy who's basically a zygote.

[sadchick83]

The age gap between my ex was about 10 years. If you hook up and form a relationship you will love it. A guy this age has no baggage, is fresh and keen to make you happy. It can work, but yes part of the thrill for him will be the chase. If you let your guard down the next phase with be cozy and comfortable, but, eventually, all good things come to an end.

 

For my situation, my ex likes older women, and i like younger men....Im sure his next gf will be older and mine will be younger.....its our preference.

 

Why don't you enjoy yourself with him and don't look beyond the few weeks.

[laura-j]

Your response Ariel, is exactly what I fear, being judged for something that makes us both happy. I was totally joking about the in 20 years thing, and if it stuck with him for six years, I don't think that was a fleeting thought for him.

 

Sadly (for other men) his mind is way more advanced than a lot of men I've met of all ages, 30s, 40s, and 50s. He is deeply intelligent, as some young people are. He's most certainly not your average 24 year old fresh from college playing beer pong watching movies about comic books and eating ramen.

 

Would it be icky if he was 58 to my 41? Just wondering.

[laura-j]

Thanks SC83. It's kooky to me, but kinda fun and VERY good for the memories in the old age home. hahaha. Never was my preference, but it might be becoming one. I'd never go after them, but if they ask me out? Sure.

[tiredofvampires]

Haha, Ariel, with the "zygote" comment.

 

You shouldn't be thinking about him losing his 20s, but more about you losing your 40s. In 10 years, he'll be at his prime on the dating market, and you'll be in your 50s, with a lot less options.

 

I think this is a good summary, here.

 

OP, you almost had me -- because I'm not opposed to age-gap relationships and feel that under the right conditions, they CAN work. I'd call them high-risk relationships, but in some sense all relationships have their tests.

 

And yes, there is a very unfair double standard that exists for the genders in this, in that the "Mrs. Robinson" stigma is alive and well even though a reversal (older man with younger woman) is quite a bit more socially acceptable. I do think that since females GENERALLY mature faster than males, there's more chance the mentality of a woman in her 20's could match that of a man in his 40's, but there are too many exceptions to this to justify the lopsided stigma.

 

But at your age, you should be thinking about what you want from a relationship. Do you WANT something lasting at this point in your life?

 

If you really do want something for more than just "awhile," you have to get really clear in your mind that he is either someone you're looking for "keeper" qualities in, and develop open communication about how your goals for the future, maturity levels and expectations for a relationship line up -- or cut this off.

 

If you don't care about it lasting "forever", and just want to enjoy it while it lasts, do you need to be asking any of us, or anyone else at all? You don't need permission from the world to have an affair with a younger man, and certainly if your expectations are low of it turning into anything, there's no need to ask if it's going to "work out."

 

So, sounds like you're a bit confused about your goals. First get that clear in your mind. You can't have one foot in and one foot out.

[Ariel85]

He's most certainly not your average 24 year old fresh from college playing beer pong watching movies about comic books and eating ramen.

 

I think 20 year olds in college are like this. I don't know any 24-year old who lives like this.

 

But, I think you're rationalizing his "maturity" much the way young people like to claim they've lived a more involved life than their peers and are therefore more mature for their age. lol

 

The fact that your flirty comment stuck with him for 6 years should show you how impressionable and young he really is. You seem flattered that he thought about this for 6 years, but I think at 18, if a guy is shown attention by an older woman, they're all going to ruminate on the possibilities. I wouldn't take it as anything special, more than you fed into his need for dating/sexual validation, which is all part of the growth process. I too, at that age, would grasp onto attention from men, even if they weren't the right choices for me. It's normal at that age to attach to someone who makes you feel attractive.

 

For me, I wouldn't care if he were a member of Mensa. He's still a kid in my eyes, and I've yet to meet a 24 year old who is more advanced than a 50 year old man. Maybe you need to meet a better quality of men your own age? They do exist...

[Capricorn3]

But at your age, you should be thinking about what you want from a relationship. Do you WANT something lasting at this point in your life?

 

If you really do want something for more than just "awhile," you have to get really clear in your mind that he is either someone you're looking for "keeper" qualities in, and develop open communication about how your goals for the future, maturity levels and expectations for a relationship line up -- or cut this off.

^^ THIS is what it all comes down to. If you're looking for long term, lasting relationship, then you have to make sure to ask yourself all the right questions. If it's just a "casual, have some fun" thing, then by all means, go for it and enjoy. You need to KNOW what you are really after when getting involved with this guy. Fun? Or lifetime?

[laura-j]

Good point TOV, I will admit I am a bit torn on what I want. I like my single life a lot, but I miss having a partner at times too. I guess I've dated a lot and I'm just kind of trying to be open to everything that comes my way. And he has shown back up and is really fun. I kind of would rather have fun for a year than go on 20 bad dates in that year, if you know what I mean. I've been married before so I'm not real big on "THE ONE", but I am big on a companion.

 

I guess I'm just here trying not to feel skeegy about the age difference. I'm gonna go with it for sure, he is a really great guy, but I'm trying to find ways to feel less weird about it.

 

I'm not a traditional person at all, so I'm really surprised that it bugs me at all what people think, definitely not my M.O.

[laura-j]

Ariel, give me some numbers! I seem to be young for my age. Where I live most of the men I've been meeting seem to be emotional midgets. It's a very sad state of affairs for many women I know. And guys in their 40s want to date women in their 20s! Which is horrible (I'm laughing at myself here).

 

But if it turns out all I was was the fantasy (for six years!) and the older woman trophy, still good for the memoirs.

 

I'm really laughing at myself now. I guess it is pretty stupid, I should just break it off. Thanks for setting my head straight everyone!

[wiseoldwoman]

Voice of experience here. I met my husband when I was 40 and he was 23. We had a friendship/dating for 5 years and have now been married for 10. Best thing I ever did was not get hung up on the age thing. It's always bothered me more than him, but I've gotten to the point it doesn't matter to me anymore, either. We get along wonderfully, and the age thing has mattered litt.e. Early on, there were some issues because I was more assertive than him, and he had to consciously step up since I wasn't going to try to pretend to be some wilting little wimp to make him feel manly. Now there's no imbalance. We have similar goals, interests, and just have fun together.

 

If what other people think is really important to you, though, don't get involved. No one says anything to our faces, but every now and then someone makes a comment that lets on that it's not unusual that it's discussed and chuckled over behind our backs. But our families have no issue with it, since we so clearly make one another so happy. My family adores him and hopefully his family likes me.

 

If you're right for each other, go for it. I'll admit, I didn't treat the relationship seriously when we first met, and thought I was just going to enjoy it as long as it lasted. If I'm lucky - and smart - it'll last a long, long time. When you're right for each other, age truly doesn't matter.

[laura-j]

Wow WOW! What a great story, I'm so happy for you! It surprised me to get those comments here too. I will heed your advice and see what happens. I doubt we will have such a great outcome, but he's a good person and good people are hard to find, no matter what the age, race, height, weight, etc is. I would never close the door on anything else, because it might make people a bit "uncomfortable" .

 

Also I don't want to hurt him as he has had this long term crush on me (yes it is possible that I'm not just a number or conquest to him, I'm pretty darned cool. haha), but your story brought a big old smile to my face and made me say... stuff it. People are people.

[In the Dark]

Just thought I'd add that my Brother is 10 or 11 years younger then his partner and despite the disputes they have had, they are pretty much inseparable.

They have been together since I was 20.

 

They also have parents who are against them being together.

But the issues are not based on age.

 

But they are smart enough to know that what other people think including their own parents are a non issue as they are not dating them.

 

Plus I had been to a dating site recently and found most females are going for males younger than them.

[offplanet]

I might be foolish myself, but I say go for it and be happy with him and see what happens. Life is too short to miss out on something you feel is great and which makes you happy. Who is the judge anyway?? There is so much in life which is depressing, disappointing or scarey. Why not have some happiness when you can? You don't have to think 20 years ahead, anyway. There might not be 20 years. The world might end and we all go to heaven by then! Don't miss out on something nice.