IS NC really an option if you want your ex back?

[lanaa]

I was thinking,is NC really the right way if you want to get your ex back? this is not a thread about moving on and getting back your life..but how to get your ex back?

 

 

Eventually you have to break NC right? even if you are the dumpee

[DylanNotorious]

How to get your ex back - wow that is the million dollar question.

 

My answer - They have to want you back.

[Mesemene]

If you stay in constant contact - odds are you don't heal.

 

If you don't heal, you're not REALLY using the previous relationship and end of relationship experience into growing as a person.

 

If you're not growing as a person, you can't treat any reconciliation, should it happen, as a brand new relationship. You'll have been stuck in place emotionally and mentally. And you won't be in any condition to really evaluate "is jumping back in a relationship with my ex the best thing for both of us?"

 

And an old relationship version 2.0 is usually doomed before it starts, because whatever caused the breakdown before is still there.

[Hollyj]

I was thinking,is NC really the right way if you want to get your ex back? this is not a thread about moving on and getting back your life..but how to get your ex back?

 

 

Eventually you have to break NC right? even if you are the dumpee

 

You only break NC if they say they want to reconcile. If you remain friends-very painful for dumpee, and possibility of being used-you will most certainly be friend-zoned.

 

Stay NC

[endy]

If you stay in constant contact - odds are you don't heal.

 

If you don't heal, you're not REALLY using the previous relationship and end of relationship experience into growing as a person.

 

If you're not growing as a person, you can't treat any reconciliation, should it happen, as a brand new relationship. You'll have been stuck in place emotionally and mentally. And you won't be in any condition to really evaluate "is jumping back in a relationship with my ex the best thing for both of us?"

 

And an old relationship version 2.0 is usually doomed before it starts, because whatever caused the breakdown before is still there.

 

She said everything for me. To attract an ex back... properly you need to heal, grow, and get back you first. Manipulation, anything else can work temporarily but it's not true, and that's definitely not done with the intention of love. NC is a win-win situation because you get you back... and then you become more attractive for someone else, and possibly even the ex.

[Moontiger]

NC is not for getting your ex back. Its for when, however painful, you realize that you cannot make the other person want to be with you and you choose to move on with your life.

 

Really, there is NOTHING you can do to make you ex come back to you. All you can do is concentrate on your own life and move forward, and for that NC is a great tool.

[lemsip]

NC shouldn't be used to get an ex back, but to allow you time to reflect, grow and develop.

 

Admittedly, I went NC from the start as I hoped it might make her miss me. But very quickly I realised I was doing it for me, and only me.

 

Some people find NC difficult. Not me. It's got to the stage now where the thought of contact scares me as it will set me back. Dunno if that's healthy or not, but hey.

[PaintWithLight]

I was thinking,is NC really the right way if you want to get your ex back? this is not a thread about moving on and getting back your life..but how to get your ex back?

 

Eventually you have to break NC right? even if you are the dumpee

 

How does a dumpee get their EX back? All of us have been there and it is a natural reaction to want to "save the relationship". However, you need to look at the complete picture and decide on a healthy course of action. They have dumped you and moved on but somehow, you know better than they do. You "know" they need to get back with you...

 

Your options are to try manipulation and trickery to engineer a return but as people have noted, the results are temporary. You can go the romantic route and flood them with notes, emails, and over the top gestures but that only seems to work in the movies. Or you can spend sometime alone with yourself and your thoughts. Why is the idea of this relationship ending so difficult for you to accept?

 

You have made it clear that you do not want advice on moving on, healing or getting your life back. The only acceptable solution for you is to get the ex back even though they dumped you. When you lay it out like that, doesn't it sound a little scary and unreasonable on your part? I do not know how you can attract anyone into your life with criteria like that.

 

Feel your pain and loss but let it go. Maybe you need to have a few months of horrible attempts until the message sinks in. But from all of us who have been there, the faster you get over this stage, the quicker you can build a new happier life. Good luck!

[lanaa]

Well I did let go! I haven't made any contact in 8 weeks now.But i was thinking,should i continue like this forever? when is the right time to break NC?

[PaintWithLight]

Well I did let go! I haven't made any contact in 8 weeks now.But i was thinking,should i continue like this forever? when is the right time to break NC?

 

8 weeks is just the beginning of letting go. Give it 8 months and then see if you feel the same need to get back in touch.

 

Has anything really changed for you during the 8 weeks or are you just gritting your teeth and marking each day on the calendar? Why do you feel you need to get back in touch?

[Moontiger]

8 weeks is still well withing the grieving period, especially depending on how long you guys were together. Give yourself a few months to wrap your head around everything.

[Melting]

As soon as I went NC, my ex started to talk too me.

 

But really it doesn't make me feel any better, as I have not yet healed and still very angry and hurt. So, really there was no point him contacting me and neither of us are any better of. NC all the way.

[calichick007]

My answer - They have to want you back.

 

A lot of people find this difficult to grasp. If they don't want you back, there is no magic formula.

[endy]

Well I did let go! I haven't made any contact in 8 weeks now.But i was thinking,should i continue like this forever? when is the right time to break NC?

 

 

Give it a year. The right time to break NC as a dumpee is when you get yourself back and feel confident you can handle anything the other person is going to say and do. Also you would have to be aware that they may be with someone else and respect that.

 

The best guide I have ever seen and one of the only one's I've read is to use the law of attraction. Guess what the most important part to that guide is? Getting you back healed, to a place you aren't pining, and needing them to feel ok. Get to a spot you are happy and content with yourself. True happiness comes from within, not from someone else. Even THAT guide tells you to go NC for 6 months to a year.

 

It doesn't even then gauruntee to get your ex back. People have free will. They choose what they want. All you can do to attract an ex back is work on yourself, and be more attractive that way. In other words become the person that you were when you met them again, and possibly attract them back. This is a win-win situation, because even if you don't attract them back... you're going to attract possibly someone better.

[veneratio]

What good is it to break NC if you haven't properly healed? Why set yourself up for that? I don't know how long you were in a relationship with your ex, but 8 weeks is not that much time to give yourself to heal.

 

What was it? About 2-3 years ago I was in your place. I didn't want any advice on how to heal or to move on, that's not what I wanted to hear. I was dead set on being friends with my ex, I was dead set on trying to get her to talk to me and it wasn't a healthy approach. And when she finally wanted to give me the time of day I was there and we started dating again. And I wish to God I would've listened to everyone and not have gone that route. Cause I'm back here again, but maybe for good reason. I did learn and still am learning things about myself, others and relationships. You have to take time to heal and work on those things that weren't working. As does your ex. Why want something back that hasn't been fixed?

 

But to answer your question, yes, eventually NC will need to be broken. But seriously evaluate your situation. To get anyone, not just your ex, you need to get yourself back. Healthier. Stronger. And as Dylan said, they have to want you back. No magic string of words or actions will fix that. Only they can choose that.

[Nick Lansing]

For me, there's been a period of serious NC or very, very little contact for 3-4 months before the dumper comes around. That's been the case whether I'm the dumper or the dumpee. So I'd look at that (3-4 months) as a starting point. I think it takes that long to start to really heal (of course it varies on the length of the relationship, etc.), and maybe that long for the dumper to get over the bad feelings that led to the breakup (assuming it wasn't something awful). Not sure what the psychology of it is, but like I say, with me there's always been that period of no or very little contact before the dumper reconnects, so there must be something to it.

 

I would wait at least that long, and even then I wouldn't initiate contact unless you're healed enough that a rejection, or being ignored won't set you back significantly.