DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Soooooo, okay okay okay....I SUCK WITH NC! I know this, I know the bad and the ugly truth about breaking it....I've been told numerous times.... I've posted my back story a dozen times: It's been two weeks since B/U....he called yesterday and said, "We're still together, but eventually you're gonna have to move on." I said, "What the (explicit word) does that even mean?" He said, "I don't know I'm still half asleep....yeah we're still together, but I don't know if this long distance thing can even work." I said, "have you lost any love for me?" he said, "no, of course not.." Rest of conversation was uneventful, mostly about his kids than I sent him a super cute pic of us from a few months ago....no reply. WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO WITH MY BRAIN? GRRRR.... Today after reading numerous posts about how NC really does make the dumper miss the dumpee I SWEAR to be better at this whole NC thing even though apparently "we're still together"....what a load of garbage....why am I STILL holding hope for this lying, selfish, hurtful man? Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 He says they aren't back together, that he's staying with his friends, but than he'll say things like, "Don't call me in case I'm with the kids" (his kids know about me and know I'm the reason their dad left in the first place...and they are old enough to comprehend what all that means.) But than he'll say how he's going to ask his wife to put him back on her health insurance....And he says how he's been spending a lot of time with the kids at wife's house.....he's good at the lies...so who knows. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Dani, C'mon, this guy is totally leading you on? He is with his wife! You know this is a really unhealthy situation! Why are you continuing with this nonsense? Did you go t the bereavement or CODA meetings? You're screwing yourself! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Isn't this the guy that doesn't work and is an alcoholic? Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 yesterday, .after a thousand unanswered calls and texts I finally left a text saying, "if you don't want me anymore, be a man and tell me instead of putting me through this torture" in which he replied, "I'm with the kids, can't talk....we're done...don't call anymore".... Love the title of your post, lol. And believe it or not - it's healthy that you recognize the issue with him. I posted the quote from your other thread. Hmm, he was pretty blatantly clear there, until he decided he wanted to have his cake and eat it, huh? You know how you can almost see the strings of emotion attaching you to this guy? Well, they're around your neck, and if you don't cut them off, he's going to choke the life out of you with them. You will wither away waiting for him to decide what he wants - while the reality is, he has what he wants. His nice safe life, and you waiting in the wings, making him feel like a "man." Pfft. He doesn't deserve your hope, not an ounce of it. You know it, I know it, everyone who's read your story knows it. Drop kick him out of your life, tell him to man up and be a good parent to his kids, and to take his sorry self out of your life. Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 No CODA meetings ANYWHERE near me (I did search very diligently) My grandmother is out of town so i'm waiting for her to return to go to the bereavement meeting with her....I am also signed up to attend group therapy sessions soon (I can't afford one on one therapy)....Ugh, I know I'm completely screwing myself....some days I feel stronger than others....some days I know I made a year of mistakes and now is my time to start fresh and learn about me and learn to love who I am....and other days are really bad where I feel if he doesn't love me how can I love me....which leads me back to my codependent habits of needing to talk to him and get that confirmation that he still cares. Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Pfft. He doesn't deserve your hope, not an ounce of it. You know it, I know it, everyone who's read your story knows it. Drop kick him out of your life, tell him to man up and be a good parent to his kids, and to take his sorry self out of your life. I wish I could drop kick him more than just out of my life Deep down I know I have to just completely rid him...ENTIRELY....and sometimes I find myself HOPING he's back with his wife because in my own selfish way I don't want him with anyone else....If he isn't with me....than I only want him to be with the woman he initially screwed over....Does that make any sense at all? Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 which leads me back to my codependent habits of needing to talk to him and get that confirmation that he still cares. You need to put a note in or by your phone: "Him saying he cares is really him saying he cares about himself, not about me." If he cared about you, he'd have let you go gracefully when he decided to return to his family. Instead, he's keeping you hanging. That's NOT the action of a caring individual, that's the actions of a selfish man who can't put anyone's needs before his own. Think about it - he didn't even go back to his KIDS because of their needs - he went back because "he missed them." In other words, because it satisfied something HE wanted and needed, without a thought to turning their lives inside out again. Don't buy another ticket on this emotional rollercoaster ride. Get off it now and stay off of it, no matter how hard. Block his numbers or change yours. Block his email, delete his FB, any kind of contact you've had, get RID of it. Purge this emotional parasite from your life. Link to comment
Tuffly Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Dani, you need to go to the bookstore and pick up a copy of Shel Silverstein's "The Missing Piece." It's short and easy enough to read all the way through while standing at the shelf. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I wish I could drop kick him more than just out of my life Deep down I know I have to just completely rid him...ENTIRELY....and sometimes I find myself HOPING he's back with his wife because in my own selfish way I don't want him with anyone else....If he isn't with me....than I only want him to be with the woman he initially screwed over....Does that make any sense at all? Makes perfect sense. And no doubt, he's putting her through all kinds of misery, calling you and probably denying it, apparently making attempts to worm back into her good graces if he wants back on her insurance, etc. But though I'd love to tell her to take a skillet to his pointy head as well - and leave him to figure out how he lost it all - the only control you have is over how you deal with him. This guy doesn't even really care for himself in a healthy way. All he seems capable of doing is sucking love and care off of those around him to try to validate that he's worth something - without returning any of that care. With his alcoholic tendencies, have you considered looking for a local support group for friends and family for addicts/alcoholics? Even though it's only part of his many issues, it WOULD give you another support system. Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 This guy doesn't even really care for himself in a healthy way. All he seems capable of doing is sucking love and care off of those around him to try to validate that he's worth something - without returning any of that care. With his alcoholic tendencies, have you considered looking for a local support group for friends and family for addicts/alcoholics? Even though it's only part of his many issues, it WOULD give you another support system. He's actually said he misses the attention I gave him....which I found weird that before he left he said I was too needy. I used to go to al-anon meetings a few years ago because I was dealing with an abusive alcoholic b/f and trying to be there for my mom who was a recovering alcoholic....I never made excuses for either one of them, but for some reason I always found an excuse for "C". Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 What do you gain from this 'relationship?' This is what you know about this man: Married Lier Cheat Poor father Lazy-doesn't work User Alcoholic Disrespectful You really need to take responsibility for your own happiness because this is not the way to go for a positive future. You can only control yourself, and you know this guy is no good. It's time to delete and block all forms of contact! Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 What do you gain from this 'relationship?' You really need to take responsibility for your own happiness because this is not the way to go for a positive future. You can only control yourself, and you know this guy is no good. It's time to delete and block all forms of contact! I know but it's so hard to get out of that little fantasy that we shared together....how we were gonna be happily ever after and we actually found "the one".... He's blocked on FB.... Next question....I met one of his brothers who is now a friend of mine on Facebook....we got along pretty well when we met... And his other brother who I have not met has added me on Facebook....should I take them off? They never post anything bout "C" on there and I hardly ever talk to them...should I just keep them on since it doesn't really affect me? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Get rid of all connections. They will not notice, if they do they will understand. Fantasies are not real. You have to live in the real world. Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Get rid of all connections. They will not notice, if they do they will understand. Fantasies are not real. You have to live in the real world. Ugh....unfortunately I know you're right....why does the real world have to be such a slap in the face? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 It is if we invite it in. Hon, you knew this guy was bad news from the start. When we begin to acknowledge our own complicity in these situations, we begin to turn our lives around. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 It's going to sound really silly... but one of my best friends (a guy, actually!) had to start every day for a while walking to his mirror and saying "I love you, and I'm going to try to treat you better today so I can like who you are more." I had to write a list of the little things down and keep it close by - as reminders of WHY it wasn't a good idea for me to give in and walk back into a relationship where I was taken for granted. Everyone develops their own methods to stay on track - think about what might help you stick to your guns. Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 I know....I've been taking SOME advice....being that I've been sick for the past week it's hard to really go out and get my mind off things...but I have been picking up my guitar again and trying very hard to not relate the fact that HE got me the guitar....It's been helping a little....and completely trolling this site has helped....lol I've been keeping my phone in my car/the other room/etc. today. I really am trying....as hard as I can at least.... Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 It's going to sound really silly... but one of my best friends (a guy, actually!) had to start every day for a while walking to his mirror and saying "I love you, and I'm going to try to treat you better today so I can like who you are more." I had to write a list of the little things down and keep it close by - as reminders of WHY it wasn't a good idea for me to give in and walk back into a relationship where I was taken for granted. Everyone develops their own methods to stay on track - think about what might help you stick to your guns. I've actually been keeping a list of thank yous and no thank you's for "C"....like "Thank you for smiling when you would make up next to me" and "No thank you for your selfishness" I've got quite a lot written down....in it's own way it's helping me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Check out link removed the site helped me greatly! Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Check out link removed the site helped me greatly! Wow...he IS Mr. Unavailable....and I'm definitely Fallback Girl Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Wow...he IS Mr. Unavailable....and I'm definitely Fallback Girl Yup! It all boils down to low self-esteem. Initially, it made me recognize the types of men I was choosing: unavailable. Eventually, I came to learn that it was me who had to change, as I cannot control or change others. I discovered i was also unavailable and kept choosing men who offered little. I soon, learned to grow and implement boundaries, with this came a healthy self-esteem. I now attract healthy caring people, not those who simply take. You have to recognize that YOU are the common denominator to your problems. If you want to be happy, address your issues. Others cannot make you happy or fulfill you! She has years of articles you can read, and I also found the comments by fellow readers helpful. It's your choice! Link to comment
DaniArizona Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Yeah, well since I'm still home with the flu...I think I will take the time to read MANY of these Articles...thank you HollyJ Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Yeah, well since I'm still home with the flu...I think I will take the time to read MANY of these Articles...thank you HollyJ Feel better! If you can't block your number , then change it. Delete his number, too! Link to comment
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