Jump to content

Doing the right thing is hard...but is this the right thing?


Recommended Posts

Been a while since I was on this site last time, but it really helped me out... Honestly I just need to vent....So without further procrastination....



I met a girl online through a dating site and we instantly hit it off. Like a lot of the same music, sports, movies, etc... seems to be a great match. Physically she is quite attractive and intercourse is always amazing. We've been dating for a month now. I'm 29 , she's 25.


Red flags:

(and these are things that she mentioned on her dating profile right off the bat, so I knew about them going in...though not to this degree)

Type 1 diabetic. Let me explain why this is a red flag. I've dated type-1 diabetics before. The diabetes itself is not the issue. Its how the person deals with it that affects both of us. The girl I'm with now does not regularly check her blood sugar, enjoys drinking alcohol HEAVILY, smokes like a chimney, and is a long time drug user. Cigarettes I'm fine with, although I'd like to cut back, and drinking now and then is OK. Everything in moderation, right? The only reason she isn't smoking pot now is because she had to take a drug test at work. Prior to that she smoked weed all the time for a number of years. She's planning on doing mushrooms on Halloween. She's done ecstasy and enjoyed it.

Now I realize that there's debate on pot and whether it is good or bad...that's all fine and well...but when someone CRAVES drugs and alcohol and getting messed up all the time..it makes me question where their responsibilities lie when it comes to their health. How am I supposed to invest in a relationship with a type-1 diabetic (which involves BOTH parties to be responsible) when she could apparently care less. Sure she takes her insulin when she needs it...and she says she's getting health insurance soon, but to me that's not enough. Of course I could be talking out of my ass. I don't know everything there is to know about the disease.


Excessive cursing. In my opinion, there's a time and place for it. Sure, I cuss too, but she does it as part of regular everyday speech. She says "frak you" to just about anything in any situation. Just makes her seem childish and brash.


Mood swings: When she is happy, she's great...when she's upset, she let's everyone know about it. Again, childish.


No vehicle and no plans of getting a vehicle (in the near future). She goes between her apartment and her mom's apartment throughout the week. Her main apt. is about 30 minutes from me (with highway driving) and her mom's place is 40 minutes in the complete opposite direction. Driving is becoming an issue, along with time invested to do the actual driving and the gas money. Her friends help out sometimes and so does her mom. Other than that she relies on public transportation during the week.


Goals are elusive (no ambition): She wants to be a nurse so she says. She currently works at a live-in house taking care of Alzheimer's patients. She spends all of her free time playing online games on Facebook. Doesn't read books, doesn't do anything creative, just Facebook. All. Day. Long. What's the point of me asking how your day is when your answer is "frontierville" or "bingo" or "took pictures of my cats" every single time?


Now that being said, she has had a tough past few years, parents divorcing, biological dad passing away, brother getting into trouble with the law, etc...and I totally sympathize with that. Sometimes you need an escape from real life and online games are a easy way of doing that...but damn....there's gotta be more to your life than harvesting fake crops.


Now, given all of that, ...the following is the over-arching issue where I'm beating my brain up:


I don't think I can love her. Here's why: (for ease of telling this story, girlfriend's name is Mandy, her friend's name is Sarah, and Sarah's boyfriend's name is Jake)

Mandy has a friend who we play cards with every once in a while, Sarah. They work together at the same place. Have been friends almost a year. Cool girl, kinda young, wild thing, piercing blue eyes, dark hair, had a boyfriend Jake (of like 1 week), etc. I notice when we play cards that our (Sarah and I) eyes meet and lock...a lot. A lot of "come hither looks". I'll say something, she will repeat it and laugh. That type thing. We played teams on a few games and over-confident team playing became flirting, flirting led to sexual innuendos..and Mandy noticed. I never actually did anything with Sarah...but Mandy caught onto it and we talked about it after she had gone to bed and Sarah and I were left playing cards alone. Jake apparently noticed too (before he left for the night) which Mandy told me. I told Mandy that the flirting was all misunderstood and that it would stop immediately. Which it has. Before that night ended I told Sarah that Mandy and Jake found out about the flirting. She got upset that Jake knew and Mandy knew (and things with her and Jake were already shaky at best) and so she decided she was going to break up with him. I told Sarah I was unsure of things with Mandy and that the diabetes, the maturity level, etc was getting to be a problem. I told Sarah I liked her but that I didn't know her well enough yet. We both decided that I needed to figure some things out before anything could continue. Sarah broke up with Jake the next day. I went to bed with Mandy and took her to work 2 hours later.


So basically it caused me to start thinking. Do I have feelings for Mandy? yes. Love? no. I cannot love someone who treats their own body like that and who has basically no goals in life. I need an intellectual challenge. I need someone who is going to stimulate my brain and make me want to be the best person I can be so I can share my life with them.


Do I have feelings for Sarah? kind of.... I guess besides sexual feelings I don't know a lot about her so I can't exactly say I want to pursue anything with her. But still, its one of those things where I want to maybe take her out on a date, stare into those eyes a bit longer, and just get to know her better...but I can't exactly do that when I'm still with Mandy.


Mandy has told me she wants to "talk" with me and that she has a hard time expressing her feelings. I'm almost 100% sure of what she wants to say. She has told me numerous times that she doesn't want me to leave and wants me to stay forever that "things will get better, I just have to stick it out". She tells me that people would always drop her and leave her in the past. What happens if she says "I love you"? What do I say? "That's great. I cannot love you because of the following: you have no goals and you don't take care of yourself. You don't want to live past 65. Oh and I can't stop thinking about your 21 year old friend Sarah, but thanks, I like you a lot."


I know it sounds horrible, and just to be honest, I have a history of cheating in my past. It was a very dark time for me and I have since tried to live a life of honesty and of doing the right thing. I learned my lessons about cheating the hard way a long time ago and have no desire to repeat them. That being said I can already feel myself pulling away from Mandy and distancing. She can tell that something is wrong.


At the end of the day I just want to be happy. I want to be in love. I want a woman who will inspire me to write music or sing. I need a smart woman to challenge me. I want to share my life with someone who makes me want to be the best possible version of me I can be.


So my question remains. What is the right thing? Is breaking up with Mandy what needs to be done, hard as it may be? Do I tell her my concerns for her health and her goals?


Do I just chalk it up to a mis-match on the dating site and just go on my merry way and keep looking? We've only been together a month...


Should I take a step back and re-evaluate myself (again...) and get my life together? I'm desperately trying to find a new job in the middle of trying to get a car and move out of my parents place.


Am I being too picky and need to ease up? Counter to that though, shouldn't I be picky and want only whats best for me and my future??


....Oh and I just got a text from her. she says "i make her heart flutter"...talk about making me feel like more of a jerk...

And that's the other thing. Over text, she is super sweet and lovey-dovey....but face to face she is the same brash, rude, loud and impatient person. Texting to me is one of the worst ways of communication. Sure it has it's purpose, but it allows you to be fake without seeing the other person's facial reactions or hearing their voice and tone. What's the point of telling me your "heart flutters" via text if in person you just cuss and say "frak this stuff" every 2 minutes... (oh and please insert the F-word and S-words accordingly)


Anyways.....I await any advice or suggestions. Oh....and if all you want to say is that I'm a dirty rotten cheater and should burn in hell and don't deserve to be happy, well for one, I don't believe in hell, and two, I learned my lesson about how cheating hurts everyone and I have vowed never to do it again. Please save your sermon for someone who needs an ass-kicking. I'm just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. I don't like hurting people.


And thank you for taking the time to read this...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Other than having some common interests and good sex I don't understand why you are dating this person. If all she wanted was good sex and a buddy to share these common interests, fine, but that clearly is not the case. I don't think it's appropriate for you to date her friend, either.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't need to work this hard to rationalize why someone is not the right match for you. There are no judges or juries, you don't need excuses, and nobody needs to be a villain to be just plain wrong for you.


We're all pieces of a large puzzle, and more of those pieces will NOT match than will match. So agonizing over a bad match makes no sense. Just take your out in the easiest way possible for you, and move forward to find a better match someday.


Respect your Self.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the only reason I had prolonged things so far is that this is my first "relationship" after being single for almost 4 years, save for some brief movie dates here and there that went nowhere. I had just basically forgotten what it was like to just be with someone. It might be a comfort thing. Just having someone to share experiences was invigorating and I looked past the bad aspects. But I can realize them more now that a little time has passed.

The fact that a few glances from her friend could throw me off base is concerning. I don't like how easily I became side-tracked by some party girl with pretty eyes. Not good.


Thanks, catfeeder, I like the way you phrased that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a similar situation with the last guy I dated, which was for about a month (minus being sidetracked by a friend of his). I liked his company and being with him, but there were these glaring issues that let me know he still had some growing up to do. Pot and cigarettes were a big issue and he said he'd stop. But I think like you do and what does it say about someone who lives their life like that on a regular basis? Stopping is great but why didn't it happen already? Then you add in needy behavior and eventually a DUI and it's time to walk away. And it's hard because you don't want to hurt the person, technically they did nothing wrong to us....but it's not right and that's all you need. I think you need someone who already had their act together and isn't asking you to stick around while she figures out how to do it without really showing any progress. It's OK that she isn't right for you. It doesn't make you a bad person or her a bad person. It just isn't right.


And I agree with Batya that you should forget her friend. That would be pretty hurtful to go after her. Just start fresh with someone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Daligal, yeah what you and Batya said is true. The friend situation is a distraction more than anything. A needless one. And I agree that it seems as though it is starting to look more like a "this is just the wrong situation with the wrong timing" more than "it's you vs. me" type deal.

And yes I don't want to hurt her...but I feel like I'm just doing more of a disservice to "us" the longer I stay. I still have things (financial) to sort out just as much as she does...but I can't support her in the mean time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I've been thinking about it more....


Am I being to hasty?


Who is to say that I shouldn't just give it more time to see how things turn out? What if I can "rub off" on her and maybe she can pick up some good habits? What if we find time to experience more things as a couple and become closer? (Her birthday is coming up and I want to take her to the museum, jazz lounge, dinner at my favorite Italian place, etc, assuming I have the money). Either I'm being naive or I need to think this through more.


Yes it makes sense right now that these aren't the most ideal situations, but when is anything ever ideal?...I can see it in her eyes, the way she says certain things, that she wants to be better and be happy with me. She's said that on multiple occasions. I guess it is up to her to make good on those claims.


Can I just flush that down the toilet because I'm having what essentially amounts to "cold feet"? Again, I could be naive, I'm very rusty with the whole relationship business. My last relationship before this was more than 4 years ago (was with her for 3.5 years, engaged, cheated, things went horribly wrong) Maybe this is a chance for two people to grow together?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've had those thoughts too...with that guy I mentioned and with my serious ex before that. What I learned is that you can't wait for someone to be who you want them to be. You have to take them for who they are. Yes there is a chance they could "improve" but is that genuine? Is it because it's what that person wanted or is it because of the relationship? Will it really last? Again yes there is the chance, but in my opinion it's a big chance. I don't know about you, but I feel like I don't have the time to wait around to find out if someone can change or not. I want to meet someone who already knows what they want and how to take care of themselves. You can't be with someone hoping they will be someone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So true, and what kind of person does that make me if I'm wanting someone to change to fit my mold of what's right?


This is what struck me a bit - staying in hopes someone will change, generally means you're really not completely into who they are now. That's not being true to yourself, it's just hanging on to a potential that may never happen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Indeed, mesemene...I just spoke with my sister recently...she expressed similar sentiments. She said from an outsider's P.O.V it seems like it would be best to split now. She kept bringing up the possibility that Mandy is trying to depend too much on me...which I don't believe to be the case (she got around just fine before me), but still the fact that we are dating tends itself to me picking up my share of the responsibilities. Mandy says she appreciates everything I do for her, which I believe, but at the end of the day it is a lot.


But coming back to the real point, yes me thinking that she needs to change for me is a failed plan from the get-go. I can't do that, nor do I want to even suggest it. It is completely arrogant. I need to figure out how I am going to break up with her...for her benefit and mine. What good am I to her if I am miserable the whole time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not arrogant of you, don't be so hard on yourself. You obviously see some good in her and understand that no one is perfect. It's not about arrogance that you want her to change, it's that you wanted to give it a chance. And there are times where people do this and it works out, but in general you can't expect people to change if they were making no attempts to make those changes before you came around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So it's been a few days..I've had the thoughts of the 'breakup' in my head...the problem is execution. I can't do it!


Mandy and I have since had a few 'semi-serious' talks about money, career, goals, etc..and she's opened up a bit more about what she's aiming for in terms of becoming a nurse. She threw in the caveat that she could do it if she had support (more like emotional encouragement, not financial support)...which I think anyone would need/want as they are becoming a medical professional.


Again, I come back to my previous thoughts of being to hasty with the whole process. I do enjoy being with her and she's (so far) said all the right things that would indicate that she's happy with me and wants me to be happy as well.


I guess I have this notion in my head of what I want her to be and keep coming back to the fact that it's not right. I can't expect her to change or wait for her to 'grow'. I think about how much weed she has smoked in the past and I'm really starting to wonder if it affected her somehow. I'm not trying to sound harsh but I need a smart woman to have talks with and discuss random 'dorky' things throughout the relationship.


I'm fighting between wanting to "see it through" or cutting it off now.


Not sure what to do....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well it's good that she has goals. Although I don't see why she said she thinks she can do it if she has emotional support. Does she mean she can't do it without your support? That seems to me like a way to keep you there because 1) she has goal and 2) she needs you to accomplish them. I know it's not easy and I can't tell you what to do, but from what you've written it just sounds like you guys are in different places and at different maturity levels.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hadn't thought of that possible tactic...she does have moments where she seems like she just wants 'someone' there to be with her. And yes while she does want to be a nurse I got the feeling that if she didn't have someone (me) there nudging her along the right path then she would just give in and find a different excuse not to do it.


The maturity is definitely an issue...and I hate the feeling that I'm just waiting for her to screw up or do something that would give me a better reason to end the relationship.


I suppose it is time to "nut up or shut up" so to speak. lol


Thanks to all who have commented. Much appreciated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you're looking for a reason to end it, that's not good lol. I know it's so hard, especially after being single for so long. I totally get that. Listen to your gut though. And I know you don't want to hurt her, but it's going to hurt her more to be with you when it's not what you want.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...


I broke up with her about 3 days ago...so that's about 2 months after I started having these feelings and posting on here about this topic. Turns out she was "hanging out" with some guy friend which I was not aware of. The only reason I noticed was because her communication with me had dwindled more and more over the last few weeks. The last night we had together she was texting him left and right just out in the open, so I finally asked who it was. And it's not like I would have had a problem with her hanging with friends but the fact that she was keeping it a secret from me and got defensive raised the red flag yet again.


Since the break up I'm 2nd guessing my decision but I know I made the right move. The night I found out about the secret hanging out sessions I asked her about the concept of "love" and if she knew what it meant. She said she didn't know. Then again, that was her answer for most things: "I don't know". I told her that I had a lot of love to offer and that she was barely giving me even 1% of it back(just to make a point), even though she was the 1st one to say "I love you". I said that unless we had some basic understanding of what communication means and how it plays a role in a relationship, there wasn't much else to build upon. I told her my intentions were to move forward and eventually find marriage; and she sat there in silence.


Ultimately I asked her if she even wanted to be in a relationship and she said yes and no, and then finally "no". She said that she needed to focus on herself and her health issues and her financial situation, etc..... I understand wanting to be "stable" and independent, and I was nothing but supportive of her and tried to be the "strong" person in the relationship. Basically she gave me the "It's not you it's me" line. She did say that she enjoyed "hanging out with me". So basically "hanging out" to her involves sex, minimal feelings, and an utter lack of communication. Needless to say, she has some mental and emotional issues.


Anyways, around that point, I had realized that my time with her was over. The effort I had tried to put into a relationship where the other party wanted something completely different had gone for nothing. Apparently the relationship was "taking up too much of her free time and time away from friends and family". Her free time is spent playing Frontierville or getting drunk and watching bootleg TV shows. I've spent time with her family and I got along great with them. Her friends she would keep completely in the dark. I grabbed my jacket, my hat, and my stuff, and left.


I miss her, but I suppose that's more of a remembrance of the physical aspect of things. I can do without the headache of not knowing if she's lying or cheating or if I ask her a question, getting a one word response, or completely ignoring me altogether. I spoke with her roommate who she's known since they were teenagers and the roomie says that I made the right decision. She says that my ex has always been like that and unfortunately doesn't seem to want to change.


I know the death of her (the ex's) father affected her greatly. I know she's in a dark place. But ultimately her " * * * * you" attitude and utter lack of care for anyone else but herself forced me to play my hand and end the relationship. I had no choice.


I look forward to moving on and finding someone who is actually happy about life and wants to at least be open to the possibility of marriage.


I'm chalking it up to the fact that we were just at different places in life. I wanted to move forward, and she's just moving in circles of the black hole she's caught in, sadly.


I tried to make it work, but it didn't work. That's all I could have done I suppose.


Why fight for someone if they won't even fight for themselves?

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...