Desperately need advice! Got him back once, now dumped again... Please help!

[Pola]

Hey guys, I will appreciate everyone's help and ideas on this one!

Me and my ex were together for one year, we lived together. It was during an exchange program, so after it had ended each of us came back to our home country. We decided for a LDR, since we were so much in love. We skyped every night and visited each other as often as possible, our love was stronger than ever. Then, after one of his visits over here, he announced me he wasn't really happy with me anymore, didn't feel what he had felt before, bottom line: he wanted to end it. We talked it through for a few days and both decided it was probably the best solution. But deep in my heart I didn't want to lose him, I just saw there was no way to stop him. We decided to stay friends because we couldn't live without each other. The thing is, a break up in a LDR doesn't change much, so basically nothing changed and we were still talking the same way with each other. Once in a while we went LC, but it was just because we were busier than normal, nothing else. Both of us found different partners, I was even serious about mine, only to find out later that it was probably just a rebound. After 6-7 months of separation it happened, completely out of the blue: he wrote to me saying he's not over me and still loves me. It took us weeks of talking before deciding to get back together. We got back together 2 years ago and these past 2 years were wonderful. We were more in love than ever, he was talking about marriage and having babies, I was his whole world. Then he just announced me he doesn't want me in his life anymore and we're incompatible, and our relationship is too stagnant (trust me, it was not!). He claims there is no third party involved, he just thinks we're not working together. The thing is, I think we're working together great, I didn't see any problems coming, the days before he dumped me were the best days of my life with him! It came out of nowhere. I was devastated, still am, can't go on with my life. We exchanged 2 messages (one mine, one his) explaining how we feel and since then it's been NC on both sides (for about 2-3 weeks). He said he wants to stay friends, but we should probably do it differently than the last time, because he wants to be clear about, doesn't want to give me any false hopes and wants me to understand it's final. Can you get a person back after he said something like that? We were together 3 years, we're only 24, but I can't imagine being with anyone else. If I got him back the 1st time just being friends, is it what I should go for this time as well or should I continue with NC first? Please guys, I really need your opinions, this is killing me!

[Mesemene]

You don't mention if you got back together as a LDR or if you were physically together - except for the beginning, was it all long distance?

[Pola]

It was technically LDR all the time, but since both of us had plenty of time on our hands recently, we were seeing each other quite often, even lived together the past half a year.

[raton44]

Let me just say this. My ex "flaked" on me last year at this time. Said he didn't want a relationship, needed to do his own thing, etc. He asked if we could casually date. I said ok and a few wks later I said I would not do it unless we were exclusive. He said ok. Well, within a few months we were back to full blown relationship.

 

Now, he has broken up with me again for basically the same reasons. This time, he didn't ask for dating. I think he didn't want what happened last time to happen this time. Well, if you look at some of my posts, you'll see we have recently hung out a couple of times. I am now realizing that me sticking around again is NOT going to work. He has issues he is going to have to deal with on his own before WE can work. I can't allow myself to be in his back pocket anymore. It's not helping me and I really don't think it's helping the situation. He is getting his cake and eating it too.

 

So, my advice to you, is don't do what you did last time. Make it different. Make this about YOU. That is what we both need to do

[Mellie]

You are going to hate me for saying this, and I know it's impossible to get your head around initially, but if one person says a relationship isn't working, it really isn't working. You have to take him at his word. I know you'll be looking for answers and probably coming up with plenty in your head. But there really is only one explanation you need. He doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. What's changed to make that the case - you could wonder til the cows came home. He may not even know himself. You're not going to get a lot of sense out of him because it may very well not make sense to him either, but the fact is it doesn't feel right for him anymore. You really have no choice but to let him go.

 

I know how hard it is breaking up from a long LDR. Some may suppose it's easier than a regular relationship because hey, you don't go home to that person everynight. But the truth is, these relationships are intense - if they weren't - they wouldn't survive for that length of time.

 

I know you want someone to assure you that he'll come back, but the truth is, no one can do that. It isn't impossible, but it is unlikely. My ex broke up with me a couple of times before the grande finale (which was 3 months ago now). I talked him back twice. But to do so I made promises I wasn't capable of keeping - promises that would have made me someone I'm not. So looking back, before this breakup, I was showing him that this is who I am, take it or leave it. He chose to leave it. Fair dues - maybe there's someone else out there for both of us to have a relationship with where one of us isn't bending so far backwards they almost snap.

 

Anyway, I digress. It's incredibly hard to begin with. You think if you could just talk to him one more time, you could sort it out (because that worked before). In my case it was just papering over the cracks. It was the same problems in the end was it was at the start. I don't think it's going to help you move on to be friends - at least not in the beginning. And I don't think contacting him would have a positive effect on any chance of reconciliation. I would go no contact. When I did it, I said please don't contact me for 60 days. I won't lie to you, for the first 3 weeks I barely got out of bed. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop crying. I'm so sorry. It is awful. But the good news is, it does get better. I know it doesn't feel like it ever will now but you'll see - I promise. You are going to have a crumby time, but know that every day that passes it'll hurt a little less. Now I'm 3 months post breakup and we occassionally email, but it doesn't affect me anywhere near it did in the beginning. You really have to try to get your head around the fact that it's all about you from hereonin. And believe it or not, once you do, it's quite an empowering feeling.

 

I know you feel like you've had your heart ripped out - like you've got all this love and nothing to do with it. But once you learn to turn that love back on yourself, actually, I've got to tell you, I don't feel bad right now. In fact, I feel pretty damned great.

[Mesemene]

We exchanged 2 messages (one mine, one his) explaining how we feel and since then it's been NC on both sides (for about 2-3 weeks). He said he wants to stay friends, but we should probably do it differently than the last time, because he wants to be clear about, doesn't want to give me any false hopes and wants me to understand it's final.

 

This is the problem with jumping right into "we can still be friends."

 

Even with the best of intentions, you don't FEEL friendly, you love him, you want him back, and you still have a huge emotional investment in him. To be "friends" you're stuffing your REAL feelings into a small corner and telling them to behave - and they'll be ready to pop out at you at the worst moments to torment you. When your new "friend" starts asking your opinion of the "cute girl" he sees at class, your heart will just plummet to your toes. When he says he asked her out and she accepted, you'll feel like someone just plunged a knife into your heart.

 

So in your own words, you need to tell him you can't be a true friend to him at this point, because your feelings still run strong, and you wouldn't be true to yourself if you tried to remain friends when what you really want is him. That you need to heal from the breakup before you'll be capable of being a friend to him without hindering that healing. And that if he does care for you, he'll respect your decision and give you space and time to heal.

 

Mellie hit it on the head. It is incredibly hard in the beginning - but it DOES get better. Always keep in mind that you are the most important person in the world to yourself - and you need to treat yourself accordingly, and at least as well as you would a best friend who was going through the pain of a breakup.

 

So if you'd drag your friend out of bed to get outside - do it. If you'd tell her to get out and join a club - push yourself to try it. If you feel like a slug and figure you'd snag your friend to work out or go for a run - go with it. Anything you've pushed aside in favor of your relationship - craft, club, friends, hobby - pick it up again. Your heart will NOT be in it at first. It will feel like pushing through concrete. But you WILL start winning those pieces of yourself back that you had poured into the relationship, and you WILL start feeling like a whole person again without him.

[Pola]

The thing is, how can someone claim the relationship isn't working, if there is no fighting, nothing? And every aspect of the relationship seemed to be working, and it all feels like honeymoon phase all over again? I know I'm speaking only for myself, but there really was no apparent reason. After our first breakup he confessed to having commitment issues and I'm worried it's the same thing all over again. But if you're separated for 7 months and then he says that he was never truly over you and all that time you were the first thing to be on his mind when waking up and when falling asleep, and then you spend another 2 years spending all your time and money crossing the ocean back and forth to see that other person, doesn't it mean anything? Doesn't it mean you should at least give this relationship another try? I just don't believe it can be so simple, "oh, it's not working out, whatever, not like I care".

[arwen]

I have to agree with Mellie. That is a great post btw. I share exactly her experience with this. A relationship, especially one that is complicated by long distance and scarce opportunity to see each other, needs full commitment. For commitment, both partners need to be convinced they want to be with the other, otherwise only one of the partners is doing all the work.

 

I am very sorry that this was so abrupt for you. I know how you feel, although my LDR was a long time ago (2004) and didn't last longer than half a year. It felt much more 'unfinished' precisely because we never had a 'normal' (i.e. non-LDR) relationship. It hurt very much because we tried so hard, and I felt so lost when I felt he stopped trying. Still, it was really for the best. We both moved on in the end. If I were you I'd not keep my hopes up, but try to accept that this is his decision. I am sure that you'll at one point look back and see that you surely didn't want to be with someone that wasn't sure wanted to be with you, and happy that he was honest to tell you.

[Mesemene]

how can someone claim the relationship isn't working, if there is no fighting, nothing? And every aspect of the relationship seemed to be working, and it all feels like honeymoon phase all over again?

 

"Not working" can mean different things for different people - but if one person is no longer invested on keeping the relationship whole - at that point, it ISN'T working, because it's turned into a relationship where one person is pouring themselves into it, and the other is backpedaling out of it. Logic just doesn't work for emotion. I know you already know that, but knowing it, and really accepting it - that's hard. It's hard to accept that what seemed perfect to you wasn't enough for him, or was no longer what he wanted.

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much - stick with us, you'll get through this.

[Pola]

I don't understand it, many people here have way worse stories than mine, more difficult, more depressing and more complicated, and everyone still tells them they have a chance of winning that other person back- but no one, literally no one gives me that chance? Is it really so out of question? Especially if he left once and realized he made a mistake and came back, maybe he's just doing it again, getting scared of commitment and then realizing what he's lost? Or am I really in the situation when absolutely nothing can be done? It is just hard to believe, I saw plenty of stories here telling how people get their ex's back even after years, even dozens of years. Of course I don't want to sit at home waiting for home, I'm gonna go on with my life, start seeing other people etc., I guess I just want to believe that once again, after some time he needs for him alone, the true love will win again. Am I crazy?

[Mesemene]

You're not crazy. And it's not that there's "no chance," there's never "no chance." It's that if you act, believe, count on a "chance," you leave yourself stuck in this painful spot waiting, while your BF is still moving on and growing as a person. Living your life around the chance an ex will come back is like playing the lottery every week instead of working at a job - sure, it might happen - but the potential scenarios aren't guaranteed. And even him coming back might not fulfill what you need at the time it happens! The last thing you want is for him to come "back" and decide nothing's changed, and dump you AGAIN a few weeks/months later. Or decide that he wants an "open relationship" or decide he wants to be friends with benefits, any of a dozen possibilities are there that aren't going to make you happy.

 

Of course I don't want to sit at home waiting for home, I'm gonna go on with my life, start seeing other people etc., I guess I just want to believe that once again, after some time he needs for him alone, the true love will win again. Am I crazy?

 

Live for you, love yourself. That way, no matter WHAT happens - you will be an awesome person who's ready for whatever life brings you.

[Pola]

I guess hoping for winning the lottery isn't so bad, is it? Sticking to your analogy, my plan is to find a job and keep hoping to win the lottery one day at the same time. And I don't mean trying some rebound relationships with people I could hurt, just trying to date again and seeing what future brings.

Ironically enough, what helped me get through our first breakup so quickly was that we stayed friends and there was no NC time. We talked every few days, so I didn't miss him that much. We both got emotionally involved with other people, but still shared some of the things that were so special to us. It always seemed normal to me up to this point, when I saw everyone here talking about how abnormal it is and how it hurts the dumpee even more and such. It was a total opposite for me, I guess this just proves every couple and every breakup are different and there is not such a thing as one true solution to it all.

[Mellie]

I don't think you did get over him the first time. You said yourself the other guy was, in retrospect, "just a rebound".

 

I can only speak for myself but, for me, I don't want to get involved with anyone else. Not right now. I don't feel quite 'available' just yet. Sure, snogging the face off some geezer might take my mind off it for a bit, but it's a band aid. I'd rather just live through all the crap, come out the other end then see where I'm at. There's no rush - what's up with concentrating on yourself for a bit?

 

It's totally normal to want to talk to them every day. Nobody's saying it isn't. It's instinctive. But, for me, I had to ignore my wants and instincts and just concentrate on what the guy was saying to me. He didn't want to be in a relationship anymore . Yeah, I might have been able to talk him around, but * * * * ? Do you really want to have to present a valid, concise argument to someone as to all the points why they should want to be with you? Shouldn't they be trying to move mountains to be with you? IMO you shouldn't settle for anything less.

 

Nobody is telling you you'll never get back together with this guy. I haven't met too many accurate crystal ball readers in here. You know, all you can do is make the best decisions for you based on the facts you're presented with.

[Pola]

Do you think maybe he just got scared of too much pressure? He admitted he had commitment issues after the first breakup. This summer was the first time I met his parents and his entire family- he met my family years ago and visited quite often, he became like a part of it. But for me this was the first opportunity to meet his. And since they're a large family that stays really close, I haven't only met his parents, but also all kinds of grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc., dozens and dozens of them. We were having family dinners every night and everyone was joking about how they're never gonna see him anymore when he moves to Europe for me and how we're gonna get married and such. Which was all just jokes because he knows I don't want to get married or have kids yet, definitely not. The thing is, I just graduated this month and he is graduating in less than two months, this was going to be the first time we both were going to be completely free and ready to find a place on our own, move in together for good etc. Maybe he just got cold feet about it? All the reasons he had to break up with me were like "I need more space", "we always do everything as partners, I need to be alone", "maybe if i was in my 30s this would be okay, but not when I'm only 24"... What do you think of that, did he just panic or could that be more serious?

[Pola]

No one, really? Guys, please help!

[Mesemene]

You've lived together for 6 months. You're both still pretty young. Without knowing him, it's hard to say if he was being completely upfront - but we'll assume, for the sake of what we know, that he is.

 

He's seeing this stretching out endlessly now. Whether you got married tomorrow or in five years, he's looking at your current relationship ongoing - and he's not sure if he wants that for his foreseeable future. And unless he, himself, decides that he wants to commit to you and the relationship, you don't have one, you have you holding on, and him backing away.

 

There's just no way for anyone here to know if he'll later decide he was overreacting and come back, or if he'll decide to make this a permanent split. He obviously has things he needs to resolve for himself, within himself - and you can't do anything to change that.

 

Sure, you might be able to persuade him to reconsider, to stay for now - but that's emotional coercion, it's not respecting his needs or what he feels he needs. And you run the added risk of just driving him further away.

[raton44]

Your story is similar to mine, as i said before...but my ex is almost 30. However, he is emotionally immature and I am his first rel lasting longer than like 8 months or so...SO, it is highly possible these guys just aren't sure that they see themselves with us for the long term right now. That they may be scared they could be missing the "right" one. My ex gave hints previously that he didn't think we would last but then I could see his mind changing over time, and now I think his mind changed back after we went thru some stressful personal issues together. Due to immaturity, he doesn't understand that relationships change over time and how much work they really take. Some of these guys are always seeking that fun exciting part of meeting someone new because they just aren't mature enough yet to realize this is how every relationship goes. Call it Grass is Greener Syndrome, or whatever we want, but in reality these types of people just have growing to do. Who knows how long this will take and if they will realize they shouldn't have left us!

[Pola]

Him being under pressure seems to be the only rational explanation for me, because barely weeks before the break up he 1) spent all his money to come visit me at the end of the world and gave up on anything else he could have been doing that summer, 2) took me to his hometown and, like I said, introduced to his entire family and I think they really liked me, I loved them too. I think it was kind of a big deal for him, his family is rather conservative, religious and whatnot, so I don't see why he would like me to meet them all and spend a few weeks with them only to explain to them now why I won't be around anymore. He said he thought it all through (the break up), but all these facts make me think it was not really planned a long time ago, otherwise all the things he did would have made no sense.

[raton44]

I was the only girl my ex introduced to his family...anyway. He probably had thoughts about the BU previously, but still cared for you and had a good time with you. It probably just got to be too much for him and he finally made the break. Because there was no huge event that made him do it (like a fight, etc), doesn't mean it was out of the blue. I think my ex was second guessing himself for a couple of months. I could sense it here and there, now that I look back. But, I also could be wrong. Maybe it was a slightly irrational dump. We will never know. Your best bet is to try to heal yourself, stay NC, and get on with your life. I need to do the same. I tried to "date" him a couple of times, and I feel like I relapsed on healing big time. Let him stay alone, to figure out his feelings. Usually dumpers feel relief for a while, but they also try to cope with being alone. Some will go out and party, drink, be with lots of friends, etc. But eventually they will have to deal with the BU. Dumpees deal with it first, dumpers deal with it later. The thread "questioning NC" has some good insight on a dumper mentality. You shoul read it. If they get into a rebound, it takes longer for them to deal with things, but they still will.