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Broken up - But want him back


Heather Hurst

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Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago. His reason was that for the last couple of weeks he hasn't felt like the relationship is right anymore (we are both in university, and a week before the break up he said he needed space, but I was pushy and kept seeing him and asking him where we are in the relationship). We've been together 2 years, and have broken up before during big arguments, but have always been back together in about 2 days before (although it has always been me chasing him to get back together those times). It came as such a surprise because everything had been going great for months before he said he needed space - we had no arguments, went out with groups of friends most nights, as well as spending some nights in together just snuggled up watching TV. After the break up I did not contact him for 2 days, but today I called him. I told him that I am fine with the break up, that I want to be friends, and we had a chat about a few tv shows we like and usually watch together. However, he said he only wants to see me with other people around (as it will be awkward if we are alone together), and that it will be a long time before we can be close friends. He sounded down and kind of miserable, but he mentioned nothing about wanting me back or wanting to even talk about us, and he didn't ask how I am doing, even though he knows I have been quite ill the past week.

 

I just want peoples' opinion on whether or not there is a chance he will ever ask for me back? And if so what is the best way to make this happen? (I love him with all my heart and miss him so much I can't stop crying). I will see him tomorrow night as our circle of friends is meeting up, how should I behave?

 

Thanks for all your help!

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Hi, yes break-ups are not easy and they are really tough to get through.

 

But my first piece of advice would be this. Don't go out tomorrow night. If you have confided in your friends that you are no longer with your man, they will understand. You should stay home at this stage. Tell me what your thoughts are on that, and what is the occasion of meeting up with your friends is to do with.

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It's just that we have the same circle of friends, and we usually meet up on a monday night just to all hang out together. It's not definite that he will be there, and really want to see them as I am lonely, so I want to go even if I risk seeing him. From what I posted do you think he may want me back, or do you think his mind is made up?

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Oh, also he said he doesn't know when he can pick all his stuff up from my house, and he hasn't asked me to come and get mine from his (I have a few drawers of stuff at his), and I need a dress I left with him in a couple of days (can I go to his just to get it back? Or will he think I am using it as an excuse to see him?)

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Well heather, time is going to play the major factor here. You have to give it time.

 

First off, there is always a chance that two people can get back together. Will you and him get back together? - Nobody knows. But there are ways for you to get over this quicker.

 

You should go completely NC (which means No Contact) with him. Why don't you ask a couple of your good friends just to hang out just you guys (and not him) and have a catch up? Being around him straight after a break-up is never good at the beginning.

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I think cos he asked for space before and you didn't give it to him, maybe he felt like he had to break things off completely for a while so he could properly be on his own? You read loads of posts from dumpers who have doubts later and all of my ex's have come back after a month or two (but by then i've moved on). I think the key is not to put any pressure on them, as it drives them away!

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This sounds really similar to what Ive been going through. The only difference being that I dont hang around with her friends. The only advice I can give you is dont make the same mistake I have by trying to be friends or contacting them. Ive begged and pleaded, I've argued and just basically fought until the bitter end to try and get my girl back but all it has done is push her further away from me. I think if Id have given her her space in the first place it could have helped things a bit more but I just couldnt resist seeing her and speaking to her. So really the best way to see if he is going to come back is to just be patient and wait for him to contact you. If he doesnt then it wasnt meant to work out and if you keep in contact with him it will be much more difficult to let him go.

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Oh, also he said he doesn't know when he can pick all his stuff up from my house, and he hasn't asked me to come and get mine from his (I have a few drawers of stuff at his), and I need a dress I left with him in a couple of days (can I go to his just to get it back? Or will he think I am using it as an excuse to see him?)

 

If you can, since you share friends, have a friend do this for you guys.

 

Giving stuff back and receiving it after a breakup is excruciatingly painful, and any terms you've started to come to within yourself will pretty much be destroyed, it's like re-finalizing everything all over again.

 

You should go completely NC (which means No Contact) with him. Why don't you ask a couple of your good friends just to hang out just you guys (and not him) and have a catch up? Being around him straight after a break-up is never good at the beginning.

 

I agree. NC might be a bit rough with you guys at the same uni - but you CAN make sure any contact required by classes or running into each other is polite but brief as possible. Prolonged contact is like deliberately rubbing sandpaper on a sunburn - ouch.

 

Spend some time with friends, renew interests in anything you've neglected, go at your classes with a vengeance. Spend your time constructively, not dwelling on what might be. It's hard, but you have to come to terms with the fact that whether he comes back or not, you are still worth your own time and effort. It hurts. And at first, getting out of bed can be a challenge. But it WILL get easier.

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Hi, I have failed so bad with n/c! I spent nearly all yesterday with him and he came over to mine with me at midnight to check I got home ok (cos I'm quite ill atm). Anyway, he was being like we used to be (a little flirty, and he hugged me a couple of times). I went over to his (I initiated contact), and we just sort of hung out. I thought it was going really well, but then he said he doesn't think we should spend that much time together again for a while (although he said he enjoyed it yesterday). He went home after we watvched some tv, and he said I'll see you friday then (we will both be at a friends birthday party at a club). What should I do? Should I try absolute n/c? HELP!!!!!

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Since you'd be giving decidedly screwy signals unless you said something, take him aside for a moment after the party and tell him that until you feel like a "friend" to him, forcing "being friends" is just going to hurt more. And ask him for your space so you can heal.

 

With mutual friends and at the same school, realistically, you'll be going for limited contact - no contact just isn't always possible for co-workers, students who are at school together, etc. Keep any contact brief, polite, and absolutely NOT about any details about how you, he, or the relationship did/is doing.

Him: "Hey, it was a good party tonight!"

You: "Yeah, it was. Hope your exams go well next week, I have to get going though!"

 

You don't want to invite "open ended" long conversations - you'll end up sharing things like "normal" which cushions him, and when he's not the way he was, it's going to hurt you and set you back to breakup day mentally and emotionally.

 

So take your space and time - you're entitled to treat yourself well.

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