Thwarted Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 my husband asked for a separation not to long ago, i would like to say it was out of left field, but all the signs have always been there. Married for 9 years together for almost 11, it was never "we" for him - it was always "me" and I was left with questions and alone. He was always doing his own thing and I was always last on his list. I have felt lonely for a while. But now all he tells me is that he is unhappy and wants to be happy, that is the only explanation - he never has tried to work on the relationship, and is refusing to even speak about it now. He has been trying to refinance the house to pay me and have me leave. I will always want to work it out... but he will not. If he cannot re-finance the house we cannot separate because the bills that we have together are too high for us to live apart. I am lost scared lonely and a whole other host of emotions..... I am trying every thing I read about turning things around... I have been angry for a long time. I don't know what to do....give him what he wants? if he can't refinance I still have to live this way until our financial circumstance changes (pay off bills and get credit scores back up) Link to comment
Xylitol Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Ok look, its simple. A guy expects his woman to make him happy. This means giving him BJ , nice sex, and comforting him, basically making him feel great. If you don't invest into the happyness of your husband, he's going to be dissatisfied with you as a wife. Now no one is going to say this so obviously to you, as its too embarrassing for a guy to ask such a thing from a woman , especially nowadays in a culture where a guy is easily branded as some maniac animal rapist for asking things which are completely natural like sex. There's noway a guy is going to ask that, but you can bet that he's burning inside, and that he is getting a complete lack of attention. Now i know you are gonna say, i also lack attention. But this is the thing what you need to realize that there can be no harvest, if there is no one who puts the seeds in the ground in the first place. It takes hard work, but now you're saying, i do the work. Its not how it works, you need to work on the area's that give HIM happyness. So why don't you sit down with your husband, ask him what makes him unhappy (without you getting angry at him) based on his info, you start working on those area's , and maybe you two can still work things out. Link to comment
redrock Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Wow-I'm really sorry Thwarted. It's so hard to work on a marriage if your spouse isn't on the same page. But, it seems like you really do want to save your relationship. So, I wondered if you've ever considered talking with a counselor and getting some professional input on how to respond to your husband's comments and behavior? Obviously, it would be ideal if he was willing to go with you, but I realize that may not be the case. And, if finances may be keeping you from talking with someone, I know there's some organizations like Focus on the Family that offer free counseling over the phone. So, just an idea. Also, I know it's discouraging to consider a separation, but it doesn't always have to lead to divorce. I think sometimes couples just assume their marriage is over when they separate. But, often, if you give it a little time, you may give your husband an opportunity to come to his senses and decide he wants to reconcile. So, I encourage you to just work on yourself in the meantime. You obviously can't change him, but you may be surprised by his response when he sees that you're in this for the long haul and willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. Well, I know I don't know all the ins and outs of what's going on with you and your husband, but I hope some of this helpful. Hang in there! Link to comment
plmadvice Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 So why don't you sit down with your husband, ask him what makes him unhappy (without you getting angry at him) based on his info, you start working on those area's , and maybe you two can still work things out. Agreed. Can't really give any better advice than that. What do you mean when you say "he never has tried to work on the relationship"? Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 No, what she is saying is that HE was saying, "ME ME" he was the selfish one You can't be all sugar and spice. I tried to give my DH sex daily, I tried to be sexy and hot all the time for him, I was fit for him. I tried to be athletic and active and adventurous. I did LOADS of fun stuff, I kept him entertained and on the go. I catered to his EVERY whim...I treated him like a KING and GOD and LORD. But in the end I got abused and kicked to the curb, because he is a high functioning sociopath . So if she was selfish in the marriage then YES she needs to be loving and attentive, but from what she is saying he could have socio path or just even very SELFISH tendencies... I hope I understand her post right? Link to comment
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