zccr3279 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Recently, I began to look at my one friend (female) a little different. We have been friends for about 4 years now, but have really only started hanging out in the past 4 months or so (1-2 days/week). To be quite blunt, she is just about everything I'd ever want in a woman. We always have fun together. For the record, I'm 27 and she's 21. Currently, she is single. She is trying to get herself situated, which includes moving out of her grandparents' house where she grew up. We are planning on renting a house together and possibly including a 3rd to help with rent. In the meantime, she stays the weekends at my house (which I share with others) to escape her situation at home. I have mentioned about us being more formal and "dating" each other. She says that she really can't right now, since she's in transition with her living quarters, finances, car, job, etc. However, she talks to me about others and possibly dating those guys. So, it would seem that I'm out of the picture in her eyes. She also tried (and is still in the process) of hooking me up with one of her friends. Please understand, I'm not desperate for a girlfriend or anything, but wouldn't turn it down, either. An interesting thing is that she told me (last night) is that she looks at her biological father (whom she has limited contact with), her biological mom's husband (who she met last year but lives thousands of miles away now), and her grandpa (who is always demeaning to her and degrading) as a reason why she doesn't want to date guys. They've all hurt her recently (emotionally) and have continually made her feel unwanted. And then she tells me, that she looks at me and it's because of guys like me why she wants to date. She says that someone like me would be a great guy for her. So, why am I used as the model boyfriend, but I can't be the actual boyfriend? Just trying to understand some woman-psychology, that's all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Nothing to do with gender. She's telling you that she's not into you but hopes she meets someone who has your qualities but who she has chemistry with. She is using you because she knows you are interested in her and she needs a place to stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 In my mind, this is a classic (almost textbook) example of the damaged or emotionally scarred woman and how they begin a pattern or string of disconnected or unfulfilling relationships, almost with no real purpose. Yet, they continually try to convince themselves and others it's polar opposite. It becomes habitual, although, while admiring the men of good sound characterisitics but still electing to choose the familiar; the drama, the dysfunction and all else but what could be good for them and everything that's bad. For some it's comfortable because it's familiar and that's the only habitat they can thrive in. For others, it's a struggle as they desperately try to free themselves from the grasp of the past experiences. It's a pattern that usually develops from the relationships with the men close to them. Or in some cases, if there is no strong male role model present to emulate. Some women do eventually find the right door to walk through, but for others it's just a sad sight seeing how they often become victims of going back & forth with men who mistreat, abuse & exploit them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zccr3279 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 For some reason, I seem to attract those who live to use others (me). And another case of the good guy losing - IMO. Curious why she would support me dating her best friend...unless it's just to further break apart my interest in her. It's crazy too because we go out together, I mostly treat but she sometimes she does. We even act like a couple together, but we're not... Her latest mention of a potential boyfriend was a guy who had no job and recently went through a divorce (he's 23 though)...interesting choice. So, should I nix the whole "she can come live in my rented house for $200" idea? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tuffly Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 2 Sided Coin is spot on. She is letting you know gently that she isn't interested. She couldn't tell you why herself. She likes having you around because you do meet her emtional needs, but she can only get attached to what she's used to. And that's men who aren't emotionally available to her. From a female perspective, it's not only sad to see friends in this pattern, but it's sad to see the decent they string along who are being used. I've known two men who have fallen for two women friends, and they've seen these women through relationships over the years, waiting for them to be ready for something real. One has been waiting for 15 years, the other for about 6. I don't think you'll fall into that pattern, and these are extreme examples, it's just something to give you perspective if you're considering waiting for her to be ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zccr3279 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 It's just interesting that I'm the model, but can't be the actual. that's happened to me twice now. But, I definitely can't and won't wait around. I know how destructive that can be from seeing other friends in that situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zccr3279 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 The question still remains, should I still go for her renting out a room in my house if that plan happens? I don't need her money for the house, just doing it as a favor for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tuffly Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 That's a pretty big favor. Personally, I couldn't room with someone I had a crush on or feelings for. I wouldn't put myself in a posistion where I was there watching them date or whatever. Can you honestly say that living with her will not affect you? Will you be open, really open to finding a relationship of your own, or will living with her perputuate your feelings for her and stall you in finding something real. Will you live in denial and say "that's okay I don't really want to date right now?" and then be crushed when she started bringing a douche around? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Not a good idea to move in with someone you're romantically interested in, especially when she doesn't feel the same. That's a recipe for disaster, and why set yourself up to get your heart broken? We don't need reasons that satisfy anyone else for deciding that someone is not our match. I'd get brutally honest with myself about how much of my motivation to stay involved with this girl is the hope that I can somehow manipulate her to want what I want. She's actively seeking other guys. Do you really want to live with that? How 'happy' would you be if third roommate turns out to be her new BF or another girl she'll pal around with to find a BF--who ends up back at your place in her room? I'd skip this, pronto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zccr3279 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Thanks to all once again! I have decided that should this house become available (about 70% chance right now) that she'll have to find another housing option. Plan B for "us" was to get an apartment together, which will also not happen. Plan C for "us" was to keep living where I'm currently living, again which will not happen. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Thanks to all once again! I have decided that should this house become available (about 70% chance right now) that she'll have to find another housing option. Plan B for "us" was to get an apartment together, which will also not happen. Plan C for "us" was to keep living where I'm currently living, again which will not happen. Thanks! Good for you. Let some other 'friend' be her doormat. Respect your Self. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emilybravo Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 For some reason, I seem to attract those who live to use others (me). And another case of the good guy losing - IMO. Curious why she would support me dating her best friend...unless it's just to further break apart my interest in her. It's crazy too because we go out together, I mostly treat but she sometimes she does. We even act like a couple together, but we're not... Her latest mention of a potential boyfriend was a guy who had no job and recently went through a divorce (he's 23 though)...interesting choice. So, should I nix the whole "she can come live in my rented house for $200" idea? Yes, definitely. Why would you pay for her when you go out as if you're dating when that hasn't been established? That sets you up to be used. Probably not a good idea to move in with someone you're suddenly in a relationship with either. You probably want to help her out, but if you live with her, you have to separate yourself from this situation emotionally and understand she is just a roommate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 For some reason, I seem to attract those who live to use others (me). And another case of the good guy losing - IMO. Try not to decipher that so much as a lost and more as a victory, that is unless you constantly are burning time with these women and seem to never learn your lesson. You can't always help who or how you meet some people, but what you CAN help is who you choose to talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zccr3279 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 I made mistakes in the past and consequently burnt much time with this type of women. But, I don't like that and I'm tired of being used. I'll plan on slowly distancing myself from her, not to cause any concern or alarm, but just to grow apart. And yes, I did want to help her out as I've wanted to genuinely help the others out before. I guess something I keep asking myself is...when they contact me...why do they contact me? The only answer I seem to find is that they want something from me, whether it be time, knowledge, opinion, counsel, and even money a couple times. And then it becomes clear. I'm being used to the max. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 I guess something I keep asking myself is...when they contact me...why do they contact me? The only answer I seem to find is that they want something from me, whether it be time, knowledge, opinion, counsel, and even money a couple times. And then it becomes clear. I'm being used to the max. Please don't take this the wrong way as God knows this is the reason I get the same treatment. It's because it's so easy... it's too easy. They know that if they call you, 9 times out of 10 you'll answer. You're a good friend, you'll be there with bells on. You level out the emotional need, you help to balance them out. I have a friend who does just that. She's fast, fresh and out there floating around doing whatever the hell she wants to do to. When she starts having "issues" that's when the phone calls start coming in. And 9 times out of 10, I would pickup. I used to pick up all the time and sometimes I still do. Except, when I pickup the phone now I'm not looking to seek any approval or to entertain the idea that someday she'll come to her senses and be with me. I'm picking up the phone now as a friend and not so much as in hopeful of a romantic situation by proving that I can be there for her. They feed off of that energy and they use it against you to manipulate, you have to not allow them to do that. Kind of like a crook waiting for the perfect victim to rob from off the subway. There's a psychology to it; they don't pick the upright body to snatch into the dark and mug. They go after the weak-looking, feeble, head pointing down to his shoes, hands in his pocket, MP3 IPOD player skyrocketting, texting on his cellphone. He's the easy bait. It's no different when it comes to dating and how animalistic some are about it. People pick their battles; like a lion or a leopard scouting in the wild for a fresh kill to take back to their cubs. They want the quickest and easiest kill with little to no work, they grab the calf. Don't be a calf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zccr3279 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 Although I believe that the other women who have done this to me knew what they were doing and consequently used me intentionally, I do sometimes wonder if this latest case is perhaps accidental or unintended. The woman who I mentioned is somewhat ditsy at times, and she always tells me how people use her. She seems to come off as innocent, suggesting that 1) she's very deceptive; or 2) she really is innocent with respect to her own intentions. Of course, this begs the question, do you think some people are caught in the habit of using people, even when they don't realize or perhaps think they are doing nothing wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Of course, this begs the question, do you think some people are caught in the habit of using people, even when they don't realize or perhaps think they are doing nothing wrong? I do, I think it's learned behavior after a while. But you know, the minute you start spotting things like this from women it's best to leave it right where it's at. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 [...] But you know, the minute you start spotting things like this from women it's best to leave it right where it's at. I agree. We teach people how to treat us. One of the ways we do that is to avoid sticking around for people who offer little to nothing in exchange for all that you give. Another is to question your own motives, and if you're playing the savior role to extract romantic feelings from someone, that spells a perfect way to get your heart broken. Don't go there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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