To add or not to add...

[_Scarlett_]

Hey,

 

I need some advice.

Two years ago when I started college I met a guy. Sort of. He was in two of my classes, we noticed each other, there was some flirting... We didn't talk much though, maybe a couple of times, he was crazily shy. When I did talk to him, he'd blush and stutter, conversation just.. didn't happen. But I loved the flirting, he was so adorable, so adorable...

Eventually though, I got a boyfriend in that same college. When that happened, soon the guy I was crushing on saw us together and from then on started acting as though I no longer existed to him... Even when I was standing directly in front of him, he would deliberately avoid looking at me... Ridiculous, really. It didn't matter what I did, he would do everything in his power to not see me.

But I never stopped having that crush on him, I just figured... Well, if he wasn't going to approach me and talk to me, why stay single? I honestly regret it now... I can be so stupid. But at the time I thought he just wasn't that into me.

Maybe I was right, I still don't know.

 

Fast-forward to now... I'm not at that college anymore, so we don't see each other. I was messing around on Facebook and saw his name among my friend recommendations... Cue a mini freak out. What to do!?

 

My profile isn't that fantastic, I don't have many friends, there's not much going on there. Unlike me, he's quite popular in general. His shyness only seemed to extend to... well, me. Loud and outgoing with his friends, barely able to get a word out when I asked him a question.

Anyway, I feel kinda lame in comparison to him and my bleh profile - for some reason - only made that worse, so instead of simply friending him, I sent a private message to him.

 

I said, along the lines of:

 

Hey, I saw you in my friend rec's just now, was going to add you but figured I'd message you in case you don't remember me I was in [our shared classes] with you about a year ago, but we never did really get the chance to talk. Add me if you don't mind talking sometime

 

Three days later... nothing.

Did I piss him off that much? Not likely, but I didn't say I wanted to go out with him, I didn't even say I liked him, I just said we should talk sometime - why simply ignore me?

I don't know whether to just give up and move on (again), or send a friend request anyway. Leave him alone? Give it a try? Idk...

 

Advice?

[superfox]

Leave it, he's either busy or gobsmacked! I can't think of any reason why he wouldn't add you, it does sound like he had a mega crush! I thought your message was great, leave it up to him now. Bet he'll add you the second he's on again ;-)

[RST]

Your message was really nice written. Polite and friendly. He's either busy or gobsmacked. You couldn't have done it better.

[_Scarlett_]

Thanks, guys, for replying. I was worried that my message made me come accross as a bit... weird... so I'm slightly more reassured at least about that, but...

 

UPDATE:

Well, it's been four days now since I sent him that message, I've heard nothing from him. I can't tell whether he's been online or not because we're not "friends" but I suppose I have to assume he just doesn't want to talk to me.. for whatever reason.

 

Either that, or he's busy, or facebook didn't send my message, or he doesn't trust that it's really me because my FB picture right now is not of a person... But if I let myself think any of those things, that opens up a whole load of potential for anxious paranoia.

 

I'm not used to this, I've never pursued anyone even for friendship and I'm also new to the facebook thing so I prefer to just think he's being rude for no reason, to be honest... and has no interest in speaking to me, online or off.

[chitown9]

Maybe he does not want to reopen old wounds..

[_Scarlett_]

That makes sense I just hate missed chances... I really liked him. I mean, more than one should like a "crush", because I've had several of those in my life.

Sigh.. I'll get over it. I've not had him for the past two years, it's way past time to move on, right?

[laura40]

Sounds like he doesn't want to reply.

 

Either that, or he hasn't been on Facebook lately.

 

Oh well OP. You did what you could do. I agree with the poster who said about re-opening old wounds.

[TheVP]

Scarlett, wow, that shy stuttering guy with a crush sounds exactly like me 13 years ago. In fact, although the years don't match up, I have to admit, I checked my FaceBook email, just to be sure it wasn't.

 

I know I'm in the minority here, but YES, ADD HIM! I've been in the sales department for awhile, and I always tell the reps that "No answer does NOT" equal "No". Obviously this guy is still stuck in your mind. Sure, you could go on with life, and find another "good enough" bf like you did in college or....

[_Scarlett_]

No answer is close enough to No for me He has definitely been on FB since I sent the original message, so obviously he has seen it and has no desire to respond and/or talk to me... That's not no? Guys are so confusing!, if that's the case xD

[DylanNotorious]

I don't mean to be rude, but what did you expect? He liked you two years ago and then you went out with someone else?

 

He probably feels like he's second best now, and is getting his comeuppance. Also, he's probably moved on in that two years.

[Confusered]

Do you have any mutual friends on FB? Sometimes private profiles cough up additional info/pics to friends of friends. Maybe there's someone in his friends list you could add to see. If that fails is there any way you can find out what his current relationship status is away from FB? People or places you know you both go to or have been to?

 

As for his lack of response just yet - It's really easy to ignore email or private messages, we do it every time we open hotmail and delete junk, and if he has loads of friends on FB like you say, then maybe he gets multiple PMs and doesn't have the patience or time to respond to every single one even if he wanted. I've neglected answering PMs for upwards of a week even though I knew I wanted to, simply because I've been working, out in the evening or haven't logged into FB that day (and if I did it was sneaky log-ins from my work desk just to read updates, not interact and type responses). Don't read into that too much.

 

My main advice would be to agree with the person who suggested just ADDING him. What have you got to lose? Also ADDING him is an action that is harder to ignore than an email. Maybe the worst thing would be that he doesn't remember you. Maybe you're right, he DOES remember you but doesn't want to re-open old wounds. In either case - so what? Use it as a fresh start regardless, and find a way of letting him know that, if he responds in any way that suggests he still has a lot of pent up feelings of rejection or upset about losing out on you. I also suggest, once communication is open (don't just email him out the blue) telling him that the whole time you were with the other college guy you still had a crush on him. I would LOVE to be told that by an old crush from high school/college. It's extremely flattering and exciting. It makes a man feel like a winner and would go a fair way towards eradicating any of those rejected feelings. No wonder you see that scenario working in TV shows and movies with High School reunion hook-ups.

[_Scarlett_]

I don't mean to be rude, but what did you expect? He liked you two years ago and then you went out with someone else?

 

He probably feels like he's second best now, and is getting his comeuppance. Also, he's probably moved on in that two years.

 

I completely understand this! I do. Trust me, I've felt bad all along for doing that. But my self-esteem wasn't the best to begin with back then, so when he wasn't able to talk to me and looked so uncomfortable in my presence, it was easy to tell myself I was confusing his negative signals for positive ones - despite people telling me he liked me - and say yes to the guy who was confident enough to ask me out.

Idk.. you're probably right

[blueidealist24]

Maybe he has a girlfriend.. or he doesn't see the point in adding you when you don't go to the college anymore. It's kind of strange to add someone you've barely talked to to your facebook, a couple of years later. If you added him while you were still at the college/in the class it probably would have been a different story.

[_Scarlett_]

Yeah, you're all probably right.

I figured it was worth a shot, though, because I still miss his presence, I don't know if I'll ever meet someone like him again, and it would've been... nice, to pick up where I left off now that I'm not paralyzed by own shyness. It's harsh, having a crush on someone who's just as shy as you are. If only I had got over it while I still could've had a chance, huh?

 

But I'm leaving it, and him, alone.

Thanks for the advice you've all given me, I really appreciate it.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, you're all probably right.

I figured it was worth a shot, though, because I still miss his presence, I don't know if I'll ever meet someone like him again, and it would've been... nice, to pick up where I left off now that I'm not paralyzed by own shyness. It's harsh, having a crush on someone who's just as shy as you are. If only I had got over it while I still could've had a chance, huh?

 

But I'm leaving it, and him, alone.

Thanks for the advice you've all given me, I really appreciate it.

 

No problem, sorry if I sounded a bit harsh but I recently told a guy that I hadn't seen for two years (had only talked to him online) that I was interested in him, and although he was initially interested it didn't end up working out, and I think the 'weird' way I went about showing my interest might have contributed to that. Like I should have told him back when I first liked him two years ago and actually SAW him on a day to day basis! The showing-up-after-a-long-period-of-time thing probably weirds guys out.