RST Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Last time I got dumped. It sucked big time and for those of you who have been left, I feel somewhat that I know what you are going through. At that time I went through plenty of advice from different places. This time, it's me who couldn't take it any more and I had to sadly break up my relationship. So I figured if someone would like to know how things are from the perspective of the dumper, just ask. It feels odd to stand on the other side and see how things work I can tell. Link to comment
picklefluffy Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Why did you break up? Link to comment
RST Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Always had to defend everything I did. Plenty of accusations and interrogations. In other words, lack of trust. Link to comment
vel2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 How did you feel after the BU? My ex gf broke up with me 2.5 mths ago, told me she loves me etc but thinks I'm not the one for marriage after 2.5 yrs and wants to end it on a high. I assumed she would be relieved and not feeling the pain I am - then a month in after me not intiating any contact she called and broke down saying she missed lots of things and was finding it really hard but knew it was the 'right' thing. I can;t help wondering if now she has fully moved on or still thinks about me. Link to comment
RST Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Instant reaction was stress and uncertainty. But it only took one or two days to find it to be a great relief. Once you stand there and make the decision, it gives you a lot of anxiety. But it quickly goes over to the relief part, mainly feeded by the thoughts of everything negative. Link to comment
pellet Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 What does it mean when the dumper wants to still have you in their life, because they "like" you but don't love you? Link to comment
RST Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 What does it mean when the dumper wants to still have you in their life, because they "like" you but don't love you? a.) It's either having the cake and eat it. Something that I think a dumped person should not accept under any circumstances. b.) Dumper really likes the dumped. But if this is the case, the dumper must really walk on egg shells to make this work. At the same time, I don't think this is something that should be tried right after a break up. Maybe a year afterwards or so. c.) Trying to soften the landing for the dumped. In real context, it means nothing at all. Maybe trying to avoid guilt or a blunt attempt to be nice. Link to comment
RST Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 So it's been three weeks. And for your information; the NC from the dumped works very well. I'm getting serious doubts. Week one - relief Week two - stay strong, start thinking about what she is doing Week three - serious doubts Link to comment
SweetSeul Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 When does the dumper start to miss the dumpee/have doubts/open to communication? Been NC with dumper ex for 12 days now. It was a 6 year + relationship. Link to comment
hungryhuman Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I been dumped by my ex we went for 10 months she kept changing her mind and saying she wanted to work then said it can't etc. She then got with another guy but didn't tell me and a week later said she still loves me and it could work then we got in a fight cause I knew her and this guy were doing something and didn't tell me. Then I called her days later and she said she doesn't love me anymore and there's no point in being friends and it's been 10 days NC what's going through her mind? Will she regret what she said? Her feelings keep changing. Should I leave her be and keep NC? Thank you if you reply Link to comment
RST Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 It's as easy as it gets. If one has been very clear about the break-up. Just leave them alone. Doubts will come. One thing is for sure. My ex started to bombard her FB account with crap. Lets just say that it hardly did her a favor. Whatever you do, don't cause any drama. ANY at all. No arguing, no backstabbing, don't throw any pies or whatsoever than can make you look bad. Link to comment
RST Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 That's because you aren't sure what you want. Because sometimes you break up because you know the two of you just will not make it in the long run. It's the "sanity check" you do after some time and realize that your partner isn't a good partner for you. It doesn't mean that you hate them or wish them to get out of your life. It's just because you know it will not work. Takes its toll on ya. Link to comment
jfLip Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 My ex-GF (1st gf) broke up with me about 5 weeks ago and been in NC ever since. Her main reasons: 1) Doesn't know who she is outside of the relationship 2) I gave her doubts about love, she asked, "How do you know you really love me if you've never been with anyone else?" She always showed me love and always felt she loved me more than I loved her. #2 is what concerns me. I kind of agreed that I didn't know I loved her if I've never been with another girl. Does she want me to show/prove my love? Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Every situation is different, no poster can relate to you exactly. Asking questions to the dumper is a personal question to his situation, it doesnt mean it has any bearings for yours. Link to comment
RST Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 Wish there was a magic formula with answers. One thing you really need to stay away from is drama and letting the dumper Yo-Yo with you. This will increase your chances dramatically. SweetSoul, it really depends on how your relationship was during the end. HungryHuman, if you let someone change their mind constantly they will learn that you will always be around. Very convinient. And whatever you do. Don't start openly flirt, FB-drama or hook-up with someone right in front of them. Stay classy and drop of the radar instead if you can't control it. All these manipulation stunts have a tendency to blow in ones face. Link to comment
RST Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 Every situation is different, no poster can relate to you exactly. Asking questions to the dumper is a personal question to his situation, it doesnt mean it has any bearings for yours. 100% true. It's very subjective and lacks fundamental research. All that can be done is to share experience and thoughts. Link to comment
SweetSeul Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 SweetSoul, it really depends on how your relationship was during the end. Towards the end, we had a mini vacation together that seemed to have revitalized our relationship (it seemed to me). It was a month to around three weeks before the B.U when I noticed him distancing himself. We did not have arguments. I noticed he was needing space and just let him be and did NC. During the time we were NC, I had an inkling he might be feeling pressured about our future and was intending to talk to him that there's no pressure, I'm not ready either, once we saw each other in person (6 year relationship, 9 months LD for grad school) Then the B.U. happened over Skype before my visit. Link to comment
lanaa Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I've been the dumper in two long term relationships of a year and a half or more. For the most part they gave up easily but in each case, every so often, up to a year later I'd hear from her and I would be thinking "why does she persist, it only makes me feel uneasy I just want to move on I wish she'd just accept it and find someone else and forget about me". Hmm you dont seem nice.Most probably they just wanted to check out how you have been doing? no one waits a year if there are still feelings. Link to comment
DarlingDoll Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 What does it mean if a year after leaving, a male dumper tells you he loves, which he hasn't said since the break up, and is very persistent on being friends no matter how much you distance yourself, and even goes so far to tell you he can't stand the idea of not having you in his life? (And has never said this before). Also, when you question why he's telling you he loves you, he adds on that he's not trying to get back together. Link to comment
lanaa Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 What does it mean if a year after leaving, a male dumper tells you he loves, which he hasn't said since the break up, and is very persistent on being friends no matter how much you distance yourself, and even goes so far to tell you he can't stand the idea of not having you in his life? (And has never said this before). Also, when you question why he's telling you he loves you, he adds on that he's not trying to get back together. well its obvious,he regrets breaking up with you...but did he contact you before that at all? Link to comment
DarlingDoll Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 well its obvious,he regrets breaking up with you...but did he contact you before that at all? Yes. Well, it's a little complicated, I'll try to condense it. He's contacted me on and off throughout the year. The pattern is this: he comes around trying to be in my life again, and I'm distant and neutral, but then due to hurt and/or resentment, I lash out, he retreats, and after not speaking for a month or two, he contacts me again. Rinse, repeat. This previous spring we were friends for a few weeks, which had evolved into a fwb situation for the last couple of weeks of it. I wasn’t trying to nor displayed “trying to win him back” behaviors, but I was in denial about my feelings. I didn’t want a relationship but I missed him, too, and we progressively acted like casual boyfriend and girlfriend (never dropped any "I love you"s though). He then did something I found hurtful, but I overreacted with extreme immaturity, and then he stopped talking to me. I went no contact then he began trying to contact me a month later, contacted me many times in the summer but I was non-responsive. This fall, after he said he still loved me, I was highly suspicious and resentful so I lashed out and called him a jerk and a user. He responded that he always ends up missing me a lot, but when we start talking again he remembers why we stopped to begin with, and said he turns into a jerk in order to end things again and that this was the last time he'd contact me. After this, I did some thinking, saw my part in this and let go of the resentment. I told him I never thought of his side before, and I get it that he didn’t want to keep on with this kind of cycle any longer. That’s when he told me what I said in my first post in this thread, about how he can’t stand to not see me again, etc. Link to comment
SweetSeul Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Okay third week post B.U. from a long term relationship, what is dumper going through now? Link to comment
DarlingDoll Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 ^^^bump Anyone? (By the way, if mods feel it appropriate my two posts here to be put into its own thread, that's fine with me.) Link to comment
RST Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Okay third week post B.U. from a long term relationship, what is dumper going through now? Had a chat with the ex. Lots of complaints about the relationship got blamed and so on. It was a huge reminder why it did not work. It's like one of those letters people post that they want to write to their ex's. Showed no insight at all. I've detached more and start to care a lot less. Link to comment
SweetSeul Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Four weeks now since B.U., three days since closure conversation. Dumper ex was visibly more distraught and emotional during our closure talk. I didn't cry... Now he is asking to meet before my flight. Said he wants to see how I am. What is he doing? What does he want?? Link to comment
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