When will the empty feeling go away?

[unknownfuture]

2 months post BU and everyday just feels like I'm just existing rather than living. I have no interest in any of my previous hobbies, I can only concentrate on things for a short time.

 

Being without her now after 5 years I find it hard to do anything that doesn't remind me of something we did together.

 

I know this will get easier (it has to right?). But I'd like to know how long it took other people to get back into the things they liked todo? How long did it take people to be happy with being alone?

[Mesemene]

But I'd like to know how long it took other people to get back into the things they liked todo? How long did it take people to be happy with being alone?

 

Two very different things.

 

I know my first serious breakup, I poured myself into things with a vengeance. I hit the fitness club every day after work, volunteered at the SPCA, and went out with friends - even accepting invites from co-workers to hang out at the sports bar in the business park for a beer after work when I'd always rushed home before. I was determined to make some positive changes after feeling like a crazy psycho girl from his hot/cold/dismissive treatment, and show what I was made of. (Hey, I may have been heartbroken, but I rediscovered a little pride and spunk there when I finally drew my first line!)

 

So I got into things I liked to do VERY quickly. Started up night school for college again too.

 

Being happy being alone took a bit longer. It was several months after the breakup when I realized - I'd gone through the week, gone out with friends, done my thing, and... I felt weird. I felt... was this... content? Happy? Accomplished? I was smiling. And I hadn't even realized when it happened.

 

I had backslides - most notably when my grades came in and I'd aced a class he'd struggled with (we were always competitive, and he'd have been first to congratulate me), and when I hit my fitness goal and realized I was in better shape than since high school. For all the issues we'd had - the one gift he HAD given me was confidence - I grew up with criticism, not approval, and he never failed to make me feel smart, attractive, and awesome. So in those moments I'd have gotten that approval, I still missed him.

 

I didn't miss being taken for granted though, and I got through those moments by reminding myself that making me feel good for a few hours didn't compensate for making me miserable for weeks.

 

I've taken that gift he gave me, and expanded on it - which I figure ultimately, is probably the best anyone can do with a relationship that didn't quite work - you take the lessons and good out of it, and leave the past where it belongs. It just takes a lot of time and effort to get there.

[quirky]

It does take a while, particularly after 5 years with someone. It depends on the individual. I was very low for quite some time. If you stay No Contact you will probably heal quicker.

[Mesemene]

I should mention that I did go no contact - we'd broken up after a year and I'd done the begging, pleading, crying route. Four years later (we'd reconciled way too fast), I knew THAT didn't work. It was rough, but it really helped - it forced me to stop relying on him for my day to day emotions.

[unknownfuture]

I do think NC helps but we work together and have a house to sell. NC isn't going to work at the moment. It does feel like I won't be able to move on until all ties are cut, hoping the house sells quickly.

[Mesemene]

Can you set boundaries on the contact you do have?

 

Set what you feel you're comfortable with, what makes you feel you're in control of the situation.

[Tuffly]

If you feel like you're existing, then you're going good! I'm not joking.

 

After 5 years of sharing a life with someone, it will take a while to become famliar with a life on your own again. You have some time to think about what new interests you may want to pursue.

 

For me, heartbreak from serious relationships have always been the most engaging self discovery experiences. When i'm happy, I'm just busy doing. When I'm in despair, I'm searching for some light again. I had a recent breakup that wasn't huge, it just stung a little, and the first thing I did was jigsaw puzzle. It just cleared my head and kept me from thinking too much. I found myself thinking of wanting to take certain day trips, or what I wanted to do. I now have a few vegetables growing in pots on my balcony.

 

There is no timeline or magical formula. We have to find what works for us. For me it's going to different parts of town that I never went to with anybody, and having new experiences of my own. And eating stuff I grew on my balcony

 

And being alone doesn't mean isolated. Like Mesemene said, she got out and started socializing more. It gets the ball rolling to engage in conversation, meet some people, discover new interests, etc. It starts somewhere. Eventually, you just get busy and start enjoying doing something. Then you enjoy more things. Pangs will haunt you. But its gradual. And before you know it, you've got a few more numbers in your phone of people that you would consider friends, and think you're rather enjoyable to be around...

[imonlyhuman]

hey man, same here.

 

i lost interest in so many of the things that i enjoyed doing. but you know what? i found new hobbies, new activities that i enjoyed doing. it could be our brain hinting that we should go forth and give new things (or people) a shot... maybe we'll enjoy them just as much as the things we don't want to do anymore. and the things you used to like to do? it's ok if you move on and like other things.

 

as for concentration, that'll take awhile to figure out and regain. if you can find the new things you like and want to do, they will help your brain focus better.