After 2 years I am told this.....dont know what to do

[verylonely]

Hey all,

 

I am so angry......we broke up about 2 years ago but live in the same small town. I lived with him for 2 years, he txt me to finish with after a row, brought all my things to my house and refused to talk, just cut me off!! I spent 2 years now getting over it all, berated myself for my part in the breakdown, went to counselling, it totally broke me, I had finally found someone I loved and I opened myself up to him like never before with anyone and I am 45! I trusted and adored him. Anyway, he posted online that he was in love with the barmaid from the local pub 6 weeks after we broke. I did everything in the book, called him, went to see him, emailed him, basically I took all responsibility for the breakdown, blamed myself, begged him to take me back, said it was all my fault EVERYthing!!!

 

For the past 6 or so months I copped onto myself, got my life in order and left him to it. Last weekend after all that time I sent a drunken txt telling him that I would always love him and APOLOGISING AGAIN (uuurrrgggg) anyway I put that down to just feeling lonely and carried on..... because in general I am back in a good place and starting to enjoy life again.

 

A couple of days ago, I was told by a close friend of his, that I hadnt met while with him that, he has always cheated, that his ex wife and he had always cheating on each other and that he knew that he had also cheated on me!! I am sooooo angry with myself for apologising so much and being ignored, for even thinking about begging and pleading etc. I am about to send him an email telling him that I hate him and wish I had never met him!! How could anyone be so cruel to let me do all that apologising for having huge rows with him!!! and he took no responsibility all att for anything and allow me to do all that and he is in fact the complete w anchor! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[lavenderdove]

Unfortunately, people run true to course, and if he is a big cheater and always has been, he was just a terrible candidate for a serious, loving relationship. And if he's cowardly, he's not going to tell you, 'i'm dumping you to chase a barmaid' because he doesn't want to look bad nor deal with that... it's easier for him just to skulk off... He wasn't thinking about what was easiest for you, he was thinking about what was best for himself.

 

Take your anger and use it to put him firmly behind you... don't waste one more minute with this guy... yelling at him won't change him, it will just make him block your calls. I don't think he was intending to be cruel, he just was shallow and a skirt chasing and wanted a quick exit because he was onto someone new. You can't envision doing that to someone, but for someone who is selfish and cowardly, he took the easy way out rather than dealing with your wrath at the time if he had told you about his barmaid chasing.

 

Sadly there are too many people in this world who only think about themselves and what is easiest for them. Don't feel humiliated because you expressed emotion to him after the breakup, just recognize that if someone dumps you, it is best to just move on and not look back... if someone did love you and want to be with you, they would, so if they cut you off with little explanation, there is almost universally another person involved. He didn't want you calling up his new GF and screeching at her, so he just let you beg and plead and ignored you rather than take a chance you might call his new GF and tell her he's a rat.

[luminousone]

Do not contact your ex - nothing productive would come of it. Instead, write out all of your feelings and post your message to him here: . It is a great way for you to vent and express yourself without contacting your ex.

 

You have been hurting for 2 years - and you ask what to do next.

 

It is time for you to take your focus away from him and gently put it onto yourself, your healing, your general well being.

 

One thing that helps me is to try to institute an attitude of gratitude in your life. You may think that is crazy, but I can think of one thing you could be very grateful for: the fact that he broke up with you and saved you from living in that lie anymore! He saved you from being in a toxic relationship with him - someone that is selfish and all about himself!

 

So it sounds like you have been healing during this time but just had a little setback, and that is normal. The whole process comes with ups and downs. When you get sucked into anger at your ex and even nostalgia, be kind to yourself and know that you are going through the healing process. And then reflect on where you are today as compared with where you were 2 years ago, and rejoice in the healing you have experienced so far!

 

Then, concentrate on a healthy lifestyle. No more drunken episodes - that does not help your body nor your psyche. Get yourself help for that if needed (and be honest with yourself!). Start exercising if you don't already. Get yourself out there to meet more people. Take classes, volunteer, explore your faith if you have one, join a gym, keep yourself busy!

 

And I want to say that just because you are 45 you will still be able to meet that special someone if you are in the right emotional space.

 

I am 55 (and look it, lol), going through a divorce (separated for 3 years), under treatment for cancer, and surprisingly I have been asked out by some really nice men! I am not choosing to date at this time, due to the cancer, not yet divorced, and having teenage boys to deal with. But my theory on that is that I am healing, and once I reached a point of a healthier place then the men sensed a more stable person in me and then asked me out. I think people don't want to be turned down, nor do they want to be the rebound, so they often will not bother asking you out if they don't expect a positive result. I must have been putting out "single and available" vibes! Anyway it feels great to be treated with respect and to be desired!

 

In time I have come to reflect on how toxic my marriage was, and I rejoice now in being out of that mess. But when I was in it, I was unable to see how awful my spouse treated me. I have grown, and I feel so free from that dysfunction!

 

I am hoping you are able to be in that place of rejoicing. I am hoping that the hurt and anger fade, as you concentrate on a healthier new you. I am hoping that you will try not to waste any more mental space on your ex - because he is not worth it. I am hoping you will then gently turn your mental space to yourself, because you ARE worth it!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The guy is a habitual cheater...which means he has no conscience about these things and is very skilled at lying and deceiving. Contacting him now won't help you move on and it certainly won't make him feel badly about what he has done. Just be grateful he is out of your life.

[Mesemene]

So you sit and craft this scathing email, which he well deserves. You make sure you tell him everything you can think of, choosing your words, carefully leaving nothing out. Imagine a scale that weighs all the energy it takes to do this, with the one side getting heavier and heavier as it dips down. That's the time, effort, and energy you're expending to tell him just what you think of him.

 

And he opens it, glances at it, goes "Heh. Whatever." and deletes it. At least mentally.

 

You've spent enough time and energy getting your efforts dismissed by this loser. Vent here to your heart's content - but - however much effort would go into him to express it to him? He's NOT WORTH IT.

 

You could spend that same time and energy planning something special to do for yourself, looking at local community classes in your area for a special interest, shopping for a special bath oil and candles to pamper yourself - all better uses of your time than on him.

 

And if you vent here, you can write down everything you wish you could tell him - and if the wording isn't perfect, or you forget something - we're still here