Meeting ex tonight...

[Faith276]

Been together - 2 and 1/2 years (friends before we started dating)

Break up - 12th Sept (been on a break for a few weeks before that)

Contact - NIC (going from a few days to about a week between talking)

 

I am meeting up with the ex tonight - I suggested going for a drink and he asked if we could get some dinner while we are out!

After our conversation a few weeks ago when I told him that he needed to start taking responsibility for himself, he has taken steps (which I never thought he would) to get on top of his depression and seems happier. We have discussed some issues from our break up already (me leaning on him for support too much, him not feeling able to say that he felt ill) but not what we want to do. He knows that I will not be his friend, so we are going to talk tonight (I think) about whether we should go for a slowly-slowly approach to recon, or whether we should stop talking.

 

As some of you may know, we were going to meet up last weekend but I didn't feel ready so we moved it to this weekend. I think he was a bit hurt when I didnt want to meet up - he has said that he wanted to message me this week but didn't know if I would want him to. We still have great conversations whenever we talk and we didn't break up out of a lack of love or cheating - because he felt depressed and unable to cope (hence why I am very happy that he has been working on this while we have been apart). He has mentioned getting back together before, and has been alluding to meeting up after tonight (going to see a film we wanted to, him hinting at me to keep him company when his parents go away etc)

 

I am trying to keep my expectations as low as they can be - I do not want to rush into anything in terms of recon, I would like to just work on it slowly - but I also don't want to drag out the hurt by continuing to see him if he doesn't want to get back together.

 

Has anyone got any advice about meeting up? I am not going to mention the recon until he does, treat it as a catch up and see how we feel about seeing each other again. I'm secretly a bit scared though

 

Faith x x x

[jolbell69]

Faith - I completely understand where you are coming from. However, I believe it is too soon to even think about reconciliation. Even if he has been working on his 'issues' - he hasn't had enough time to completely work on himself, and neither have you. By all means, meet up with him, but treat it as a 'catch up' only. Do NOT have your heart set on reconciliation because it will hurt you too much, and the expectations will put too much pressure on your ex IMO. I think you would be better to continue LC for a while until you feel confident that you and he have worked on all the problems in your relationship. I know you will only do what you feel is right, but please think about the consequences - successful reconciliations usually only happen when there has been an extended period of time apart.

 

As I have mentioned before; our situations are very similar. Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago, we had 9 weeks of NIC and LC with a couple of meetings. I went NC for 1 month, and now we are NIC and LC again (at his request). He has also been working on his depression and other issues, but the worse thing I could do at this point is expect reconciliation because he would see it as pressure again, and we would lose the advances we have both made. I am content to give it much more time because I know he still loves me, and I am happy to be concentrating on myself again. Time can heal - be patient and wait...

 

Good luck with whatever you decide!!

[SudoMB]

I'd agree with jolbell on a lot of points.

 

It's good that he's working on himself, and I can only speak for myself, but when hes out of the depressive state of mind, that's when the real growth has occurred for me. When I've had time to analyze with a more clear head how I was behaving, why, and what will be different if it happens again.

 

As hard as it sounds (and I'm learning to do this as well), go in without any expectations, and you'll be safer.