is it still possible to be in love after you've cheated?

[blackheart16]

warning to every one who takes the time to read this: i know i'm going to come off sounding like a sleaze ball,horrible person etc but i must say every thing in detail so i can get valid opinions on the situation. i wont hold what any one says to me against them since i know the situation is messed up:

 

so here goes, i've been in a relationship with a girl i really care about for almost 4 years. you could say i love her and before her never felt so strongly about some one. however, during the years i've cheated on her with another girl as a side chick/fling w/e you want to call it briefly about once a year, the girls i mess with are always different. my gf doesn't suspect a thing since she trusts me so much. so heres the thing, believe it or not i do feel guilty/bad some times when i do this to her yet i keep doing it, i can't help it and more importantly i dont know why i do it, or maybe i do and i just can't admit it to myself kind of why i'm asking this on this forum to get an outside perspective on things since you know what they say, people tend to be oblivious and in denial about their own problems. i can't tell if i do this because i subconsciously think i'm mr.smooth or something, i consider my self only mildly attractive at best and only have average confidence. or maybe since i grew up with a father that always cheated on my mother i think it's ok? or it's simply "and this is the option i find hardest to admit" i'm bored of her/dont love her as much as i once did and am only staying out of obligation since i've been with her for so long and i dont want to feel like i wasted those years,and i dont want to hurt her since she's so into me. so out of those three i really dont know which is it or if it's another problem all together or what course of action to take.

 

another thing i will say is that the last girl i was seeing on the side has been on my mind a lot since we ended, i'm pretty sure i can be with her again officially if i tried, i think she still has feelings for me too. and i think of my self being with her more then my current gf.

 

so there you have it, if you cheat on something this much do you still love them or is the relationship pretty much dead and thats why i'm acting out? part of me feels if i did truly love her i never would have cheated to begin with but idk, what do you guys think? any insight would be appreciated

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't think you are capable of loving anyone at this point in your life. First you have to love yourself, and it's pretty obvious you don't.

[DylanNotorious]

Maybe your just staying with your g/friend because it's easier than having to lay the ground-work down to start up another relationship.

 

Decide what you want to do and work towards it. Don't waste anymore years on a chick your not fizzed about. It's wasting both your time.

[blackheart16]

I don't think you are capable of loving anyone at this point in your life. First you have to love yourself, and it's pretty obvious you don't.

 

can you elaborate that? i dont understand that, and based on my little understanding of what you said i dont agree since literally the most important person in your life is your self and if you can't love yourself you might as well be dead and i'm content with my existence, just this is my major flaw.

 

i also forgot to add my gf has left 3 times to a different country for 3-4 months since we've been together and idk what she did over there or if she did anything. also, we've broken up twice. both lasting a course of a month.

[Jd1983]

If you're truly not happy within your relationship, then it's best that you end things sooner than later.

 

If you stay with her, you're still going to constantly cheat on her. Do yourself, and her a favor and let it go. She deserves to be with someone who will be faithful to her, and you deserve to be happy.

 

There's no sense prolonging the inevitable.

[LDRohnos]

Basically the answer is no. Your definition of love is horribly...horribly...wrong if you think you're showing this person love in any way, shape, manner or form while lying and clearly cheating on her.

 

Here's a suggestion...stop cheating. You can blame your father or your mother or your great-grandfather twice removed but it's your choice to do it and it's your flaw of character.

 

If you cannot stop cheating, be a MAN and tell your girlfriend so she can move ahead to someone who respects her more. Stop being a coward.

 

Fosters...Australian for Beer.

[endy]

The above is correct, and you are using people. Using people for want and desire, and probably not realizing a bit of how much pain and suffering you are causing these other people.

 

Dishonesty, self deception, and resentment is a result of someone that does not love themselves or has very low self-worth. You need to seriously examine your own intentions, why they are there, and realize how selfish you are being. I'm not going to judge you, but no I don't think you love any of these people. What you are in love with is infatuation and an idea of being "in love" which is not true love at all. True love is born by the way you treat another person. You treat yourself right now with no respect along with other people.

 

The first step to ever be able to truly loving someone is loving yourself. If you don't take care of yourself properly you can't take care of another. I'm not sure how I would advise actually realizing how or why you cheat... You can start by reading this book... reconciliation by Thich Nhat Hahn.

[Miss Firecracker]

If you are content with yourself, then I have nothing else to add.

[RedDress]

So... here's the deal.

 

In every relationship (especially if you are together 50 years or something), you will have the urge to cheat at some point in time. You will! Things will get dull. Things will get boring. Someone will come along who is more exciting/prettier/richer/whatever. It WILL happen - you can count on it. But the thing about a relationship is that it doesn't just take love - it also takes COMMITMENT. What that means is that when this shiny new thing comes along, you make a conscious decision to honor your commitment. You decide that the consequences of NOT honoring your commitment (crushing pain for your partner, possible STDs, destruction of the life you have built, etc) are unacceptable and you honor it. And you take that energy and you find ways to make your relationship better.

 

I don't think it's fair to say you are unhappy. You don't sound unhappy. Maybe it has to do with role models in your life. Maybe you are not ready for commitment. There could be a million reasons... but one thing is for sure... if you don't find ways to start to honor your commitments, this issue will plague you for life. With this girl. With the next girl. And the girl after that. Because the temptation doesn't go away (it never does - there's always something "better" out there) - you simply have to have greater resolve. And understand the consequences of your action.

 

Really? I think you should see a therapist. Not because you are "broken". But because they have a tool box at their disposal to help you uncover for yourself your reasons for your weak resolve and commitment. And from there, you can decide your course of action. If you don't... I predict this will be an issue that will plague you forever, personally - regardless of the girl.

[blackheart16]

Basically the answer is no. Your definition of love is horribly...horribly...wrong if you think you're showing this person love in any way, shape, manner or form while lying and clearly cheating on her.

 

Here's a suggestion...stop cheating. You can blame your father or your mother or your great-grandfather twice removed but it's your choice to do it and it's your flaw of character.

 

If you cannot stop cheating, be a MAN and tell your girlfriend so she can move ahead to someone who respects her more. Stop being a coward.

 

Fosters...Australian for Beer.

 

i've actually considered telling her in the past, but as i found out with certain friendships in the past and situations, some times it's better not to tell the person what you've done, like the truth will do more harm then good. there are somethings i feel certain people dont need to know and they them selves would rather not want to know for sure, like i for one have no desire to know if she cheated on me all those times she left the country. i've never asked her or accused her of anything. my main reasons for thinking i take no action is because i dont really have a right to after all i've done, and even if she did then i guess i'm justified for what i did. but anyway, i dont want her to hate me for the rest of her life which i know she will if i told her since she has trust issues and i'm the first person she's ever trusted this much. i feel if i told her she wouldn't be able to trust any one ever again after me. if i do break it off i'm never telling her most likely since i really dont want to be hated by her. any one else in the world i honestly wouldn't care how they felt about it and would tell them, but not her. it would destroy me if i became the reason for her hatred

[blackheart16]

you make some good points. i have thought about seeing a therapist in the past since i have other issues, but i can't afford them at the moment. would be nice to get professional help.

 

and your right, that thought HAS always been there for me with who ever i've been with that no matter how good they are, some one out their is just as good or better. i really dont believe in the concept of "soul mates" or one true love simply because it's statistically impossible to me for that to be the truth in the world. really? out of every one in the planet their is only one seemingly perfect person? gee i hope they live by me. and thats why i'm never TOO upset after a major break up or wounds heal quickly because thats what i've told myself for years, it's not the end of the world. theres always some one better out there. in this case i guess it's double edged sword because, sure it works with break ups but i've also applied it to current relationships and i guess thats how i justify some of my cheating.

 

there have been times i felt i'm with her but only until the next thing comes around, and i'd only leave her if the next person is even better then she is and raises the bar of my standard even further.

[LDRohnos]

It's called accountability. You'd rather her like the liar (whateveryournameis) rather than the real you? Flaws and all? Honestly my man, you have much to learn about what it takes to make a relationship work. Lying by omission is still a lie and sometimes it's far worse than a direct one.

[blackheart16]

i've considered this as well. working on myself and just being single and trying to locate the root of the problem, in spite of my flaw i'm not an idiot and know there are definite issues that must be resolved. but when i tried going it alone, i was more miserable being alone then doing what i was normally doing, being in a relationship of any type. i fell into a depression and got out of it once i started a new relationship. and from that, i realized i need to be needed. and being wanted by some one, cared for and i in turn caring for them is something i truly desire. i'd rather be with some one then be alone. so yea, you might be right that i'm in infatuated with the "idea" of being in love and do not know what real love is and probably will never know, but how can i work on myself and learn to love myself when i can't stand being alone in the world? having no one be there for me and me have no one to care for is one of the crappiest feelings i've ever had. i was only alone for a few months and i even started to develop anti social, lash out tendencies which i would later apologize for to who ever i offended. at certain points i had thoughts of suicide which i have not felt since high school, which i only seriously thought about and attempted once.

[blackheart16]

It's called accountability. You'd rather her like the liar (whateveryournameis) rather than the real you? Flaws and all? Honestly my man, you have much to learn about what it takes to make a relationship work. Lying by omission is still a lie and sometimes it's far worse than a direct one.

 

yes i guess i would prefer her liking the liar, since i know, honestly who would spend their time/emotion loving the real me which is obviously a liar/cheater/scum bag w/e. thats not how the world works. no woman i've ever met has ever said "gee, i sure wish i could fall in love with some one who openly cheats on me, golly!" so yes, i put on the persona of an a-hole with a heart of gold since that what she wants and thats how i some what view myself or how i truly wish i could be. its an act, i know it's sad but it's what makes me happy or makes life bearable i guess. and my instinct is to survive, no matter what i have to do. no matter what the cost, and i know thats extremely selfish, but i guess i dont care. like i said, the most important person in the world to me is probably myself, so that obviously is in it self is pure selfishness. at least i know what i'm fully capable of and can't surprise myself with anything, i would never hurt myself intentionally or greatly compared to how i've been hurt in the past by others i thought i could trust yet ended up being surprised by in the end. it's a dog eat dog world and not every one has your best interest at heart sadly.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

another thing i will say is that the last girl i was seeing on the side has been on my mind a lot since we ended, i'm pretty sure i can be with her again officially if i tried, i think she still has feelings for me too. and i think of my self being with her more then my current gf.

 

Chances are you would get bored of her as well and would end up repeatedly cheating on her. The problem is within yourself...you get a kick out of having women adore you and wanting to be with you. The more women you rack up the better you feel. You are not satisfied with the love of one woman, you want the adoration of many.

[Tuffly]

You don't love your girlfriend. You don't even care about her. You basically said all you care about is yourself. Stop using your girlfriend as an emotional blankey. I'll be you can't be alone.

[HeartGoesOn]

there have been times i felt i'm with her but only until the next thing comes around, and i'd only leave her if the next person is even better then she is and raises the bar of my standard even further.

 

This reminds me of the saying, "There are none so blind as those who will not see."

 

Either way, I think it's fair to say that your girlfriend is getting the short end of the stick, and should be set free. Clearly you're not in the frame of mind to be in a true committed relationship.

[RedDress]

I think this:

 

there have been times i felt i'm with her but only until the next thing comes around, and i'd only leave her if the next person is even better then she is and raises the bar of my standard even further.

 

and this:

 

so yes, i put on the persona of an a-hole with a heart of gold since that what she wants and thats how i some what view myself or how i truly wish i could be. its an act, i know it's sad but it's what makes me happy or makes life bearable i guess. and my instinct is to survive, no matter what i have to do. no matter what the cost, and i know thats extremely selfish, but i guess i dont care. like i said, the most important person in the world to me is probably myself, so that obviously is in it self is pure selfishness. at least i know what i'm fully capable of and can't surprise myself with anything, i would never hurt myself intentionally or greatly compared to how i've been hurt in the past by others i thought i could trust yet ended up being surprised by in the end. it's a dog eat dog world and not every one has your best interest at heart sadly.

 

are extremely telling. In my opinion, you aren't seeing these women as people. As people with feelings and emotions. They are things. Trophies. And you want the best one.

 

Also - you are saying "you can't depend on others except for yourself" and "it's a dog eat dog world". That you are putting on a persona.

 

I hate psycho-analyzing (because I'm not a psychologist) - but it kinda sounds like you don't have an actual relationship with these women at all. You can't if you are putting on a persona. A real relationship involves letting someone see ALL of you. The good AND the bad. It's fulfilling because they see the bad - and decide to be with you anyways. Instead - you are hiding YOUR bad behind a persona, not accepting THEIR bad (always looking for the next one/trying to trade up). Emotional detachment? Fear of REAL intimacy? You have to be vulnerable in order to experience real love.

 

I knew someone once who would always cheat on every girlfriend within the first 3 months of the relationship. I asked him why once - and he told me it was so that he knew he secretly had "the upper hand". He always had something on her. So - if she did something terrible, he could always say "Oh yeah? Well, I cheated on you".

 

I mean... therapist. Where there's a will there is a way.

[sadchick83]

since i grew up with a father that always cheated on my mother i think it's ok/QUOTE]

 

This is your issue. Unless you absolutely hate your father, you will mimic his actions,and have a similar level of integrity, or lack thereof.

Well, good for you for wanting to address this and admitting you have issues. I'm not so sure therapy is the best route. From within you have to believe what you are doing is wrong. You have to be convinced being in a relationship=monogamy and commitment.

 

If you watched your father steal, hit your mom, cheat on his taxes, most likely you would think this was ok. Even today, at my age, what my Mom says and does holds value.

 

Im not sure if you should break up, but you should certainly stop cheating. If you cannot, then do her a favour and end it.

[jakdax]

You don t want her to hate you so it leaves your chances high of getting with her again. You are selfish , I've seen this before and I've only got 1 thing to say. The ability to hate an ex is the fastest way to get over them. The only reason you shouldn't tell her is if she s at risk of harming herself and you should end it. You should have ended it months ago, years even.

[Moontiger]

If you found out your GF was sleeping with other men about once a year, would you still think she loves you?

[SpottiOtti]

so there you have it, if you cheat on something this much do you still love them or is the relationship pretty much dead and thats why i'm acting out? part of me feels if i did truly love her i never would have cheated to begin with but idk, what do you guys think? any insight would be appreciated

 

I used to cheat. Here's why, I finally figured out:

 

1. I was too afraid to be vulnerable and risk truly giving everything to someone, because I feared rejection. If I always had one foot out the door, it wouldn't hurt as bad if they rejected me, I thought. (In reality, I've learned, it hurts just as bad, and as the icing on the cake, you get to feel rejected and guilty for all the things you did behind their back.)

 

2. I had low self-esteem, which was tied up in being attractive to people. When a new man found me attractive, I couldn't resist. I just couldn't. When I began to realize that I had low self-esteem, and began the process of learning to value myself (not some act I could put on, but my real self), the temptation lessened immediately.

 

If you can't afford therapy, try getting some books on low self-esteem. Your statement about putting on the persona you think she'd like really stuck out to me. People who really like themselves don't put on personas to a significant other. The only way you will ever have a meaningful relationship is to let the person see who you really are, and truly commit to the relationship. And that IS a scary thing. When I first resolved to fully commit to a new relationship, I was terrified, and paranoid, and all the issues I had tried to avoid by keeping one foot out the door (trust issues, vulnerability issues, engulfment issues) came flying up into my face. But I got through it. It's been a year and a half now, and we've had our ups and downs, ironing out the issues, but I'm glad I've stayed true and truly committed to this guy. I can't even tell you how rewarding it is to know that he knows exactly who I am and loves me for it, and I can't begin to describe how good it makes me feel about myself to know that I have been absolutely faithful to him. A relationship without guilt is just amazing.

[Mesemene]

This hit me the most. I'd venture to say part of the issue is ALWAYS making sure there's SOMEONE available, even a fling, so you never have to worry about being on your own.

 

Unfortunately, it means you can't really step back and see what you need in a relationship - you're too overwhelmed by needing ANY relationship, even one that isn't quite right for you. And verifying to yourself, that even if your GF decided tomorrow that the relationship was wrong for her and left you - that you have enough appeal to immediately latch on to someone else to not be alone.

 

So, baby steps. What outside interests and friends have you cultivated? How do you define who you are and what you like in other people? What do you like about yourself? If you're answering "none" and "I don't really know" you have a place to start. Sit down and really think about where you'd like to be next week, next month, next year. Then figure out how you can act on it. Maybe you've always kind of liked art, or cooking, or music, or the outdoors. So find a group, class, or activity that you can do for yourself that focuses on one of those things, see if you really like it as much as you thought you might. See if doing it is giving you more of a sense of accomplishing something that's just for you.

 

If you want to be a strong, defined man outside of a relationship - you have to start coloring in your lines, so to speak. Picture yourself as a line drawing, without the color - you've been letting others fill in that space. Now it's your turn. You might find, after you've added some color in there - that a relationship isn't what you want or need after all - or at least be more confident that who you really are is good enough and you don't need those masks any more.

[lalalollipops]

You clearly have self esteem issues and a lack of empathy and any integrity. Alot of people cheat cos of their need to fill the void inside of them. You're one of those people.

 

Please break up with your gf. She really doesn't deserve any of this -_-.

[hot_to_trot]

how old are the two of you? What makes you think other girls, or the one in particular you speak of in your initial post would take you back?