Having trouble with NC and feeling worse everyday...

[Crumbs]

WARNING: this is super long, jumped, and mostly me just venting. I don't expect anyone to read it but I have to vent somewhere.

 

My girlfriend and I went on a break over a month ago because she needed to see if this is what she wanted. We were in an LDR btw. We had a time set up where we would re-evaluate the relationship and see if we wanted to get back together. I sort of knew in the back of my head that a break really meant break up but I still held out hope. About 2.5 weeks after the break, she told me she'd been seeing a guy and decided that we should officially end our relationship. After that we went NC and have stayed that way.

 

During our last conversation before NC, I stupidly asked her how things were going with the new guy. She told me that it was going good that he's funny, nice, his personality reminds her of me. She also told me how they were getting sexual and what not. All my fault for stupidly asking but I somehow reasoned that if I knew, it would help me move on. Uh, HUGE mistake, ever since going NC I've been going through a roller coaster of intense emotions. I can't stop thinking of her and the new guy being together. While I am awake I'm thinking of her and him and every night (literally) since the break up, I've had dreams of them being together, it's seriously driving me insane. Sometimes I hate her for giving up on us, sometimes I miss her so much it physically hurts. One day I think I wouldn't take her back if she came to my door begging and pleading and the next it's like I would chop my arm off just to be with her again.

 

Lately keeping NC has been incredibly difficult. Yesterday I had typed a message to her and it took all my willpower not to press the 'enter' button. Today I saw her status and she had posted a song that was essentially about how you can't wait to be in someone's arms and falling in love, etc. I saw that and had a huge panic attack, it felt like the air was being sucked out of my lungs. I had an intense urge to send her a message and ask if she was falling in love with her new guy. I had to call a friend to talk me out of it. Thankfully I didn't do anything. Yet I can't help but feel that if she is already starting to exchange "I love you" with the guy, did she even mean it when she said it to me? We built a strong friendship over a year before we even said I love you or started dating. Did our love mean nothing? How can she move on so quickly?

 

For the last week or so, everyone I talked to was telling me, "don't worry, eventually she'll come crawling back to you, by then it'll be too late". I believed that too and was kind of satisfied to hear it. Lately I'm thinking that she actually won't. She's very stubborn and I could see her moving on without ever saying another word to me again. The thought of never seeing her again in my life is so painful I don't really know how to deal with it. Just thinking about it has my eyes welling up with tears.

 

The last two days I think I've entered the bargaining stage of the grief cycle. I've been searching for jobs in her city and telling myself that if I move out there I can make it work. The rational part of my brain says that if I do that, I'll be living in a new city where I know no one, have no support system, and an ex who probably thinks I'm creepy.

 

The worst part for me is that she tossed me out like a piece of trash after all the memories we made, how much she said she loved me, talks about marriage, etc. She moved on like it was nothing while I'm left as a broken human being. I have absolutely no desire to date anyone, not that I think it would help. One part of me is happy if she is truly enjoying her life but the other wishes that she missed me, still loved me, is having a hard time without me in her life.

 

This breakup also happened at the worst time in my life. All the friends I regularly hang out with have either moved on to graduate school, deployed in the military, or have gotten jobs in other states and are leaving soon. I'm growing increasingly isolated and my ex was the one thing I was able to count on while we were together.

 

Yesterday and particularly last night was one of the lowest points in my life. I'll need professional help and medication if I have anymore days like that. I'm at the point where my mind is just cloudy and I can't think straight anymore. I hate that I have no desire or passion to engage in my hobbies. Nothing is bringing me joy anymore. I hate that the only thought in my day is her, it's like when you first fall in love but the reverse of it.

 

I think I'm taking this particularly hard since this is the first LTR I've been in and the first time I've been in love. This is also the first time where I'm the dumpee when the relationship was longer than 3 months. She's also the first girl I could say looks didn't matter. Not to say she was unattractive, but not exactly universally pretty. My friends used to say "you could do better man..." which angered and annoyed me. But still to me she was/is beautiful and all her traits and quirks made her more so. Even though the last few months of our relationship were bad and I felt that she treated me badly in many respects I still can't stop thinking about the girl who made me happier than anyone ever has.

 

This all just feels so foreign to me. I can't wait until it gets better.

 

/End Rant...it feels slightly better to get all of that off my chest.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hello Crumbs,

I feel your pain. I have been dumped before and it is, I agree the worst feeling in the world. I was in love only twice in my life (excluding my current boyfriend) and first I was the dumper then the dumpee. Not sure why it happened in that order, but there was some part of me that thought because I was once the dumper I became the dumpee and it was karma. (I'm sure the person I dumped would be jumping for joy if he knew how much I suffered as the dumpee) meaning, that what goes around comes around and you can hold on to some hope that she will go through this one day. I know, I'm living proof. However, as much as it doesn't seem like it now, it will get better, and you will find someone. There is no time limit on that either. It took me 7 years to survive being dumped.

 

But anyway, you asked a reason why she could move on so easy? I will tell you why I was able to move on so easy and was the dumper from the first relationship. You had a LDR. Well my first bf was sent to jail. I hate to say it, but out of sight out of mind is my excuse. He just wasn't there. Yes I visited him and there were letters but it was nothing compared to the comfort I had with another guy at the time (the guy who eventually dumped me). All I'm saying is, that it is possible to fall out of love with someone when they are not around, especially since you also said you were having problems.

 

And as far as her crawling back to you, get that out of your head. I don't want to be mean or harsh but she moved on dude. And hey she may get dumped for the person she left you for. It happened to me.

 

Good luck and chin up. Venting like this is good therapy, I'm glad you did it and I hope I helped you some.

[Crumbs]

Thanks for taking time to read that and respond.

 

And as far as her crawling back to you, get that out of your head. I don't want to be mean or harsh but she moved on dude. And hey she may get dumped for the person she left you for. It happened to me.

 

Ouch, I'll be honest but it stings to read that. I realize deep down that she's never coming back, the romantic part of me or my "heart" if you will refuses to. I wanna believe that I'm the exception to the rule, that my situation is different. It's not, my situation is the same, I'm the rule. It just sucks though.

 

As for her being dumped, trust me everyone is saying that to me. It doesn't really give me comfort. I don't wanna be that guy who takes pleasure that the one I loved will go through what I'm going through now.

 

Oh well, now I get to deal with the regret. Had I been looking for jobs in her town six months ago, I may not be on here today.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hello Crumbs,

 

I am very sorry that my words may have stung and it does not give you much comfort, but getting over her will be so difficult if you can't accept things as they are. I am truly sorry as well that you are hurting but try to be strong, you have come a long way keeping the no contact. That is a very brave thing to do. When I was dumped, not only did I break no contact, but I was in so much pain he changed his number.

 

As for regret, that will eat you alive. Try your best not to look back. Look forward, it is all you can do.

I wish you all the luck in the world and that this pain will leave your heart soon.

[Crumbs]

I missed it the first time I read your post, but damn it took you 7 years to get over the ex? How did you survive something like that? I couldn't do 7 years of this, put me out of my misery in that case lol.

 

No need to be sorry, like you said, I need to swallow a dose of reality regardless of how bitter it tastes going down.