Am I not capable of trust anymore

[UnsureOfItAll]

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

I have been with my g/f for 3 months. We met online, and after two dates (back to back) felt a strong connection to each other. I have a 5YO child I share custody of with his mother, and unlike any other girl I've dated since our break up (years ago) I introduced my son to my g/f after just one week. Two weeks into our relationship she brought over a good amount of clothing and toiletries and began sleeping over every night. She lived with her parents before this, and I am the first b/f she's ever lived with. Within 3 weeks we started talking about our future, marriage, kids, what we wanted out of life and each other. Things were good.

 

Before me, she broke up with her ex-bf in April. They were together for almost a year. According to her he had cheated on her a couple times, and had lied and overall been bad to her. He'd always beg her to forgive him, and she would, until the last in April. When we met they were not on speaking terms and he had moved about 2 hours away as well. After 3 or 4 weeks into our relationship they started texting each other simple things like Hi, How are you doing, What's new. They both were big movie buffs and had lots of favorite quotes they both liked and would text those back and forth as well. At first I was okay with it. It was only a few texts a week. But by the time we were 6 or 7 weeks into our relationship this had progressed to 10 texts per person per day. Since I felt the need to snoop, I would check these texts every night. To be fair, none of them had anything inappropriate in them, however they were getting more personal in the sense of less 'movie quotes' and more how was your day at work, how was school, what are your plans for the weekend. This bothered me. If it was just a male friend, it would be one thing. But since this was an ex, I felt that there was a potential for a problem. I told her my concerns and she brushed them off saying she is not doing anything wrong and that she can talk to whomever she wants to and that he's not given any indication that he wants anything more than just a friendship. Throughout the next few days they'd text back and forth and he even texted her one night asking if he could call to talk to her. I was there, she called him and put it on speaker. In the conversation she told him about us (more so than she had before) (that we lived together, type of house I owned, my career, things that made me look good, and how things had changed in her life...among other things they talked about). I was able to tell by his tone that he was disappointed.

 

About a week later he called her at her second job one evening and asked if they could meet that night that he would make the drive to meet at a diner so they could talk. Later that night when I came to pick her up she told me all about the call and said he asked her not to tell me but that she didn't want to lie to me. I asked what she was going to do and she said she agreed to meet him. She said she needed closure on the relationship because of how it ended and that she wanted to 'make sure' that her feelings for me were 100%. OMG !?!? This f-ing hurt! So she said I can come along, but to just stay out of sight. So I did. They talked for 3 hours, he hugged her, held her hand, kissed her cheek and when he went in to kiss her lips, she pulled away. He wanted her back. We went home that night and talked. She told me that seeing him made her realize even more about how she feels about me. She said she told him that she is who she wants to be with, and that its okay for them to be friends but that they have to limit to contact because it's not fair to hurt me. I was very confused on all this. On one hand it felt good that she felt even more sure about us, but on the other, even after she knew he was looking for more than a friendship, she kept the lines of communication open.

 

The very next day he is texting her again and I give her a look. She writes back to him saying "remember our deal, we have to limit to contact, it's not fair to my bf, and I don't want to hurt him" . he doesn't write back for almost an hour so she texts this: I wish it was different. I love you. !?!?!?!? that pissed me off. When I called her out on that all she could say was that she does still care about him and love him as a friend but that she is not in love with him, she has no desire to be with him, and she will never cheat. I had previously talked to her mom about this (before my gf met with ex) and told her what was going on and the mom was upset that she was still talking to him after knowing what he did to her but told me that this was the way my gf and her sister have always been, never breaking full contact with ex's, but that she could be trusted. And my gf would always say 'it takes two' and just because he may want me does not mean I would ever give in'.

 

We continued to argue throughout the evening of the day she sent him the text about 'i wish it was different', even as far as when my parents came over that evening, and they saw what was going on and another argument ensued where my father started yelling that if we can't get along this early on that we need to end it. She freaked out, ran upstairs, I followed her, my father continued to yell about why were are doing this * * * * * and she started crying asking me to calm him down and that things will change.

 

I should note here that throughout the last 6 to 8 weeks, we've fought about this a lot (not with my parents, but just us about this same issue) (other than this our relationship is a good one, we have so many shared interests, she's smart, she's funny, she's all I think about during the day, she's a good cook, I take care of her car and all the household bills for her/us, she's everything I've always wanted). Each argument would center around the same thing. each would end with her saying this isn't going to work, that she doesn't want to be controlled, and me saying fine, then leave, her starting to pack, and me realizing I don't want to her to and then begging her not to go. Rinse Lather Repeat.

 

From then forward, the texting dropped immensely. From a high of 10 texts a day each to an avg of 1 per day each. She never denied she was still talking to him, and continued to say there is nothing wrong with it. ...now in the beginning before they had met at the diner, I *should* of been okay with that, however *after* they met, and after he made his intentions known, I wasn't. I didn't want to have to worry that after an argument we had that she might confide in him and what may happen after that. Yes on one hand I realize that being almost 2 hours away greatly reduces this possibility, but I still should not have to worry.

 

The last week has been much better but I still had my doubts. Doubts enough that I put a mini digital recorder in our car she drives to see if maybe she was calling him from her work cell phone to be able to dodge/disguise the fact that they have been talking. Well, she found the recorder and flipped out and was basically calling it quits on us, packing her things while I begged her to please not go. it took hours last night to get her to stay. She was truly ready to leave and I, in my heart, did not want to lose her. In the end, she agreed to stay. We talked about our plans for marriage, the ring we picked out, how big it is and I could still see in her eyes that she loved me and even though I was an ass for doing what I did, that she didn't want to leave either.

 

....What's wrong with me? How can I learn to trust again? How can I be a better b/f? Do I need counseling, med's, or is it something else??

[LDRohnos]

I've found that trust in someone else largely derives from trusting yourself first. Your decisions, your actions, your emotions...so on. If you can't trust you made a good decision, or you can't trust your emotions or feelings than those things can project onto other people.

 

That said....wow.

 

She said she needed closure on the relationship because of how it ended and that she wanted to 'make sure' that her feelings for me were 100%. OMG !?!? This f-ing hurt! So she said I can come along, but to just stay out of sight.

 

This wasn't about figuring out her feelings for YOU, it's about figuring out her feelings for HIM. She is not and was not over him. You went along to WATCH? Seriously? I would never want to put myself in that kind of situation.

 

She writes back to him saying "remember our deal, we have to limit to contact, it's not fair to my bf, and I don't want to hurt him" . he doesn't write back for almost an hour so she texts this: I wish it was different. I love you. !?!?!?!? that pissed me off. When I called her out on that all she could say was that she does still care about him and love him as a friend but that she is not in love with him, she has no desire to be with him, and she will never cheat.

 

This girl is not over her ex-boyfriend. She loves him because she LOVES HIM, when you break up with someone you're romantically involved with those feelings of platonic "love" (like with a family member) and the kind you have with a LOVER are completely different and nobody can just say "Yeah I still love him as a bro, a pal!" Right after a breakup...it doesn't work that way.

 

My suggestion is to tell this girl that once she's done talking and loving her ex-boyfriend she should call you. Not a second before. This relationship is going down a very dangerous path and I do not for one second think you SHOULD trust her. People need time to grieve and get over a relationship...apparently she went from romantically loving this guy to just "loving him" over night? Not possible.

 

The problem isn't you, your gut is telling you the right thing. Listen to it.

[Melting]

She is not considerate of your feelings at all!

 

She obviously still has feelings for her ex or she wouldn't remain in contact with him, she would be putting you first and him completely out of the picture.

 

You are always going to have trust issues with her, she has planted the seeds and continues to water them.

 

If she truly, honestly cared you wouldn't be getting put through this. It is only you who can sort this out, she is getting everything she wants! Don't play her games, you need to be strong, give her an ultimatium that she cuts him from her life completely or you are gone!

[UnsureOfItAll]

She is not considerate of your feelings at all!

 

She obviously still has feelings for her ex or she wouldn't remain in contact with him, she would be putting you first and him completely out of the picture.

 

You are always going to have trust issues with her, she has planted the seeds and continues to water them.

 

If she truly, honestly cared you wouldn't be getting put through this. It is only you who can sort this out, she is getting everything she wants! Don't play her games, you need to be strong, give her an ultimatium that she cuts him from her life completely or you are gone!

 

That's what my mother said when I told her what was going on... that people don't do that. My mom told me a story about how when she was dating my dad, an ex had come back around trying to win her back, and that she had went to see him just one more time to make sure she was making the right choice by marrying my dad; and that once she met with her ex, she knew she was making the right choice and never talked to her ex again.

 

I've given ultimatums, but she's called my bluff on them. She knows I don't want her to go, and I don't believe she wants to go either.

 

A little bit of an update though on it all. We had a great weekend together. I know/can confirm she's had NC with her ex since two Sunday's ago. This past Sunday morning we woke up early and were talking about things and she said (out of the blue) "I'm willing to do something if it will make you feel better" and she went on to say that she will cut all contact with her ex if it will help me trust her again, though she reaffirmed that she has never done anything wrong. But that she would do this for us and that she doesn't 'have' to be in contact with him, even if he tries to contact her she will ignore.

[UnsureOfItAll]

Hoping someone will read and offer some advice....update since 10/17: On 10/23 we found out she is pregnant. She's told EVERYONE, LOL. Including: On 10/27 she texted her ex saying that she has some news for him, but not sure he will like it. He never responded, so the next day she e-mails him saying something like this:

 

I don't know what you thought about my text, but I want to ensure you that I am not engaged, LOL. I am however pregnant, and even though he (he=me) and I have major issues to deal with I am happy with this, mostly because I am 27 and although I am not financially ready for it, I am emotionally and I am really happy about this. I hope you are happy for me too, maybe

 

 

So he writes back Congrats, you're going to have a little (insert her name here) baby. In all seriousness, I am really happy for you. Talk to you soon.

(that was two days later)

 

The next day she writes back:

Well I'm glad Thanks.

might not be happy to share the attention though haha.

I saw you have a girlfriend yourself... you look happy.

You better keep in touch

 

 

Then the next day he writes her saying something to the effect of:

 

I will be in-town on such-and-such dates (he lives just over 1.5 hours from us) and if you promise not to tell you know how, would you like to grab some lunch? ........he goes on in the letter about other random stuff that doesn't affect anything between her and I.

 

 

My stomach has been churning since that last e-mail. She has not seen his e-mail and IDK what to do. Other issues I did not list above:

 

This pregnancy is high risk and there is a potential for losing the baby.

I am afraid to bring this up to her because stress is the last thing she needs

Do I say nothing about anything, confess about the e-mail?

[BananaPickle]

I know it's really hard but people are gonna want to do what they want to do and there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is let them know what they're doing affects you and how it affects you.

 

Personally... I don't think she was ever over her ex. I had trouble getting over my ex who I was with for 4 years almost and kept in contact with him up until I met my new boyfriend. My new boyfriend wasn't happy about our friendship and explained to me how it made him feel and his fear of me still having feelings for him. I didn't think twice about it.. after he explained how he was uncomfortable with it I decided that he was in no way worth losing even if it meant that I never talked to my ex again. So.. I didn't I mean he'd contact me every once in a blue moon and we'd have really small talk for a few and then that'd be it.

 

I obviously don't know every detail, but it sounds like he really hurt her and treated her in a way she doesn't deserve to be treated. Therefore I don't really understand why she feels the need to stay in contact with someone selfish like that. Like.. why does she want to surround herself with people like that?? She should be extremely thankful for you and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that you two work.... if you don't put you're whole effort into the relationship, respect each others wishes and try to make each other happy then its going to be harder to make work in the long run.

 

Also don't you think you moved a little fast??? Maybe you need to take a step back and let her realize what she has so that she appreciates it more?

 

But since shes pregnant and all I mean thats the most important thing right now. All you can do is accept that shes going to do what she wants to do. If I were you i'd distance myself and try to be more independent and less available so that, like I said, she realizes what she has, misses you and appreciates your relationship more. Later you can try talking about it again and express completely how you feel... don't hold back nor be scared of scaring her off... if you're having an honest conversation and expressing your honest feelings and they scare her off or if she disagrees then compromise if you feel you can do it or if its worth it but if not thennn perhaps consider that it's just not meant to be.

 

I hope this helps...

[UnsureOfItAll]

I know she wasn't full over him when we first met. She told me so. At least in so many words she did. I know he had some sort of 'hold' over her, because each time she caught him cheating, she'd eventually take him back. She slowed the contact down between them immensely, but he still is so disrespectful.

 

According to her mom, this is just the way she is with keeping in contact with ex's....which is true, I know every 'blue moon' ( to steal your words ) she e-mails or texts them saying hi, how are you type of things, but none of them are aggressive like this guy.

 

Do I think we moved too fast. Yes. We've been together 13 weeks and she's nearly 7 weeks pregnant. The doctor's visit to the OBGYN yesterday turned out to be a good one though, so we are a little more grounded when it comes to the pregnancy.

 

You and several others have given me that same advice (including her mom) about stepping back and allowing her to actually 'miss me', that we spend too much time together and that she does not ever get the chance to miss me or realize what we have because we're always together. I guess I got caught up in the honeymoon-stage, and am just still there.

 

I really do appreciate someone talking to me about this. I know from a third-person, the perspective is much clearer and that I only see it the way I want to, but I truly am trying to figure out how to fix this.

 

I would kill me if she was not the one I have a 5YO son from a prior relationship that I only see 50% of the time, and to lose two children would be awful