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Feeling like I'm set up for failure....


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Sooo, despite prior advice to leave my relationship on other issues with my fiancé, I still stuck around and we are still having issues. I told her last weekend that her constant complaining and wining everyday about her job was wearing me down and I was tired of walking in the door every day after work only for her to tell me how miserable her life is yet again. I was not very tactful and it kind of just boiled over. I told her she was acting like Eye ore (the donkey from Winnie the Pooh). This ticked her off to no end. Sunday night she drank a 6 pack of Icehouse in about an hour and a half and proceeded to light into me for being a jerk and insulting her. She then started reaming me for not caring about her and not showing her that I care about our relationship. She then started cussing me and slamming doors and telling me I should just move out and she was tired of my crap. I told her that I apologize for blowing up on her about her attitude but it seemed like the apology was too little too late so she continued to go off. Her 9yr old daughter came out of her room and asked why her mom slammed the door. My fiancé then started yelling at me to go and explain to her daughter that I am being a jerk and that’s why she slammed the door. I was furious that she drug her daughter into our argument so I didn’t say anything and snatched up my keys and wallet and stayed with a friend for the night.


She called me a couple of times that night but I ignored her calls. The next morning she calls and I answer. She tells me that since I walked out/abandoned her again that she is done with this relationship and that we will just simply ride out the remainder of the lease on the house we rent and go separate ways. She said she will stay out of my way and we will live as roommates. I said “ok”. This apparently was the wrong answer so of course I get reamed for not fighting for her or the relationship. According to her I was supposed to say “Honey that’s not what I want, let’s sit down and talk about this”. I’m sorry but I have a hard time being the bigger person when someone is giving me ultimatums. Plus I feel like she is playing passive aggressive games. Example: I’m going to say this and see if you give the right answer”. She also told me to not worry about going to counseling because it’s not even worth it anymore (we were planning on going to pre-marital counseling but having a hard time finding a place that takes my insurance).


She told me that she is done and that if I wanted to work things out that I am going to have to be the one to come her and say so. I’m taking this as “you need to apologize a thousand times over and beg for me to be in your life” I guess I have a hard time with this. Call it pride or whatever but when someone is giving me the cold shoulder and giving me short answers like “whatever” and “do what you want” when I talk to her….i really have no interest in working things out or asking for forgiveness. Also she tells me numerous times that the relationship is over but then goes off on me the next day for not fighting for us….I’m just sick of this.


Tonight is a kids festival at eh school she works at. We (her daughters and mine) all went last year and had a good time. My daughter is staying with me this weekend so I asked her if it was ok if we went. She told me that she doesn’t want to be fake in front of people because we don’t talk at home so why would we hang out at the festival. She said “you can go, it’s a public event but we don’t have to hang out” Really? Wow……so im supposed to show up with my daughter and we just walk around and do our own thing? I told her that my daughter would want to see her and her girls so what would I tell her. She said “Tell her the truth, that you are not speaking to me”…….???????


Anyway I’m at a loss with all this. New advice or is it still a unanimous leave her?

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Dew, you need to leave. Take some time with you and your daughter. Your daughter will not understand this adult relationship and your gf bringing the girls into it is a shame. Best you can do for your girl is to explain it is an adult problem that has nothing to do with her and that your gf is so mad at you that she doesn't want anything to do with you which includes her since she is your daughter. Dew, you need to get some distance from this woman. She is affecting your daughter without regard. Protect your girl.

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So I did not hear from my fiance all day Friday while at work so i just decided to get my daughter and have dinner with her because I did not want to show up where i was not wanted. She calls at 6:45pm asking me where im at and that they (her and her daughters) were waiting on us to eat!...OMG....really???. So I explain to her that she made it very clear to me the night before that she didnt want me there. She started telling me that couldnt believe that I stood her and her daughters up and that she feels like a fool and she is embarrassed because all the other families are together and people are asking her where i am.....give me a break. I told her that the last thing she said to me before she rolled over in bed was "just dont bother going to the festival" Her excuse was "I only had 4hrs of sleep the nigh before, I mus have been talking in my sleep" This is her excuse for everything. When she is "half asleep" she is extremely rude to me and basically a b@#$! She tells me that I am suppsoed to just ignore it because she doesnt know waht she is saying. So basically being overly tired grants her a free pass to be an ass.


So my daugher stayed the weekend with me and my daughter is a bit a shy and isnt always the first one to say hi or say it in return loud enough for another to hear but she doesnt mean anything by it. I am working with her on this. So my fiance supposedly says something to my daughter like hi or how are you and my daughter either she didnt hear her or she didnt hear my daughter answer. My fiance takes it as my daughter being rude and disrespectful and walks up to her and ask her "Did i do something to offend you or make you mad"?" My daughter has a puzzled look on her face and says no. My fiance then says "ok, im just wanted to know why i am getting the silent treatment again this weekend?" and walked off......I was pissed. I confronted her on this and told her that she should have came to me and not confronted her at the table in front of everyone and course she thought that i didnt have her back so she blows up about how im not supportive and I let my daughter treat her disrespectully. My daughter is 13 btw if that helps with the perspective.


As of right now we are done but still living together. I guess i just need to leave because i cant continue to live like this.

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Oh wow, please please leave this woman and stay gone. Don't ever let someone talk down to your daughter, 13 is a very awkward age... I still remember being 13 and being so shy that I could barely function. This woman you're with sounds like a real piece of work. Leave her, you'll never win with her. I have absolutely zero alternative advice other than leave and don't look back. Keep your dignity and protect your daughter from ever feeling her crazy wrath again. I'm afraid if you keep living with her she'll eventually sucker you back in to just being in a relationship with her since you're already there right in front of each other.

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I'm afraid if you keep living with her she'll eventually sucker you back in to just being in a relationship with her since you're already there right in front of each other.


Exactly my fear. The way she usually suckers me back in is using her girls. Her youngest is 9 and is really attached to me as her biologicl father is on and out of prison all the time and hardly sees her. I'm made out to be a hearltess monster if I even mutter the phrase im leaving. This will be tough.

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You ARE being set up for failure, for lose-lose scenarios that only allow her the spotlight to vent whatever frustrations exist in her life all over you. I'd be willing to bet if you'd showed up for dinner, you'd have gotten a cold reception and "I thought I told you not to bother." So, lose-lose. You don't show up - you "should know better than to listen to what she says." You show up - "you never listen to me, I told you not to come."


It's not healthy for you, and it's sure not a healthy example for your daughter, or hers. Your daughter is at that awkward social age, and she'll be getting enough of this type of stuff in school - she really doesn't need to see these traits in one of the adults in her life!!!

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My daughter lives with her mother. She stays with me every other weekend, sometimes its 3 weeks before i see her so she is not exposed to this all the time thank goodness. I explained to my daughter that she (my fiance) is angry with me and not her and told her not to worry about it. She seemed ok. We hung together this weekend and stayed out of the house to avoid further conflict.


Told my fiance last night after I took my daughter back home that I think it's best if i just leave for a while. I told her that since we are locked into a lease until March that I would still split the rent with her but it doesnt mean I ahve to stay there. Of course after I tell her this she starts tossing the guilt trips at me. "You never loved me, you never wanted or tried to work things out, why did you string me along for the past year and half, you are abandoning me and my girls, etc, etc" She then kept telling me that im a coward and run everytime we have conflict and that I'm not just going to leave and keep her on stand by and come back when I feel like it. Then she started crying and kept saying how she couldnt believe that I was doing this to her.


I still told her that I plan on leaving and that I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. Hopefully the therapist can help me make sense of this all. I feel horrible for wanting to leave so bad but we have tried talking in the past and something always blows up a week later. I just dont think we are compatible.

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Best wishes on your head!!! I hope the therapist is one you click well with, so you can work your way through this with his or her support, and be able to stop feeling that no matter what you do, you just can't win.


Keep your head up - you seem like a good guy in a bad situation.

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