Please help! Said she's falling for me but found disturbing text msgs

[mav11rick]

I need help. My GF admitted last night that she's falling for me. I was relieved because I am falling for her as well. We both started out knowing that neither one of us were looking for anything serious but it happened. I connect with her on whole new level that I didn't think was possible.

 

So this morning I was going to leave her a cute little message on her phone, something to make her smile and for some reason took a peak at her text messages (most likely trust issues from previous marriage) and didn't like what I saw. She had a very disturbing thread with a guy about staying over and getting together whenever she doesn't have her child.

 

My question is how do I approach her about this? Do I? I want this to work but I want everything out in the open to start with. My ex-wife had an affair and I don't want to go down that road again. I just don't know what to do.

[Stay_home]

There really is no easy way to do it. I'd definitely inquire about it.

[april15]

Lay it out the way you did for us. You were going to leave a note on her phone and peaked where you shouldn't have, that is where you apologize, and found the messages with the other guy. Again apologize, let her be mad at you for a bit, but then bring it back to the guy and where your relationship with her is headed. You may even have to wait for her to cool off to have the discussion. If she never wants to discuss it, well then, there is your answer, time to move on.

[lostandhurt]

This is a very tough situation.

 

I know what betrayal feels like so I get why you are cautious. If you think about it you really have no choice but to ask her about the text messages. Let's say you don't say anything and try to ignore what you read. Do you really think you can have a good relationship with that allways in the back of your mind? Everytime she gets a text in front of you and acts a little different you will be wondering if it is him or some other guy. That is no way to start a relationship is it?

Have you discussed being exclusive?

Being open and honest is not easy and that is why people hide their feelings until it either eats them up inside or kills the relationship. If it were me I would sit down with her, take her hand in mine and tell her that you went to leave her a message on her phone and because you have trust issues looked at her text messages. That is me though.....

 

Lost

[agent1607307371]

Are you exclusive? How old (or new) are these messages?

[mav11rick]

We are exclusive. Last night was a huge step for both of us.

 

So I asked her about them. Explained to her everything that happened this morning. She not once showed any anger. Only remorse to what she perceived as hurt feelings. She told me that she hasn't done anything and wouldn't think to. That I'm her only one and would never cheat. She explained that she just talks that way to him. I want to trust her and I told her this. I don't want to have that feeling of who's she's talking to or texting all the time. She knows how my marriage ended and claims that she could never do that me.

 

How do I now move past this and take her for her word. Do I? When we're talking face to face I don't see betrayal or lies. I felt great after talking to her, but the moment I left for work again the thoughts and doubts creaped right back in. Do I tell her to quit talking to him altogether? She cuts hair for a living and he's been a long-time client. Do I just buck up, let it ride, and put all my trust into her claims that she'd never hurt me?

 

We've only been exclusive for 3 weeks and the messages span from about a week before that till a day or two ago.

[lostandhurt]

If she thinks being in an exclusive relationship and talking to a another guy "like that" (what does that mean anyways) is okay then you need to rethink staying with this girl. Once two people enter into an exclusive relationship some things need to change out of repsect for the other.

 

Having a guy ask when he can stay over doesn't seem harmless in the least. I think she needs to explain her past with this client. I am curious what her response to him was when he asked to stay over.

 

You have opened the dialoge so keep it open and talk about what an exclusive relationship means to her and you can explain what it means to you. What ever happens she needs to decide of her own free will to stop talking to him or cutting his hair or whatever. She needs to do it because it isn't right to have guys messaging her with stuff like this. Just like you shouldn't have women doing the same.

 

The best time to get all this out in the open is right now before you get to far into this thing. You know how much it can hurt later on like I do. Talk to her some more so you both know where you stand. Remember there are people out there that think it is okay to keep ex's around and have people flirt with them and they think there is nothing wrong with it as long as nothing physical happens. I am not one of those people and I don't think you are either.

 

Lost

[april15]

Did she have any ideas, such as, I won't chat that way any more, I will show you the texts from him?

With your past you are going to have some triggers that fire up your insecurities. You have to decide. Do you trust her or not. If you do, then move forward. Get this relationship started with open communication. If you can honestly buck up, then do it. If you are ready to trust her with your feelings, talk with her and solve this puzzle. If you aren't there yet in your relationship you could always see a therapist, this would help you deal with these insecurities on your own and enable you to manage these type of issues even if this relationship doesn't last.

[mav11rick]

Thanks guys. I will continue to keep this subject alive with her until she at the very least understands what I expect from an exclusive relationship. I am like you, Lost, in believing that acting or talking a certain way to exes is not ok even though nothing physical is going on. I do want this to work and she is very different from the woman I've been with in the past. I just don't know how to stay on the right side of the line of telling her what I expect yet not being to demanding and change who she is, who I'm falling for.

[mav11rick]

Did she have any ideas, such as, I won't chat that way any more, I will show you the texts from him?

With your past you are going to have some triggers that fire up your insecurities. You have to decide. Do you trust her or not. If you do, then move forward. Get this relationship started with open communication. If you can honestly buck up, then do it. If you are ready to trust her with your feelings, talk with her and solve this puzzle. If you aren't there yet in your relationship you could always see a therapist, this would help you deal with these insecurities on your own and enable you to manage these type of issues even if this relationship doesn't last.

 

She did tell me that she's glad I brought it up and didn't keep it to myself. She made me promise that I would ask her anything and anytime if needed. I guess there should be some value to that, right...??

[Glowguy]

It's hard to advise without seeing the actual content of the messages, but if they included sexual flirting or implied sex then I would consider that cheating and it would be a complete deal breaker for me. That is just not acceptable to me in a relationship and I cannot think of any reasonable explanation that would incline me to trust her.

[lostandhurt]

In this case I don't think your past has anything to do with this not being okay. Sure you shouldn't have snooped but often times are gut is telling us something and we ignore it.

 

You need to find out what the deal is with this guy and any other guys hanging around. If they are just guy friends that is okay but you know as well as I do, most of the time guy friends are just dudes waiting around for an opening. This is where she needs to be the person regulating their friendship. She needs to speak up and let any guy that wants to stay over, flirt or talk sexually to her that it isn't appropraite as she is in a relationship. Just like you would do.

 

One last thing. I don't know how many hair stylists you have dated and I hate to generalize but from my own experience the younger ones sometimes can be a handful and these kinds of things come up often. I hope I have just had some bad luck and your girl is awesome.

 

Lost

[april15]

She did tell me that she's glad I brought it up and didn't keep it to myself. She made me promise that I would ask her anything and anytime if needed. I guess there should be some value to that, right...??

 

Sounds promising. Do you think she is wanting to move forward? As other posters have said sexy texting is usually not acceptable in an exclusive relationship. You need to decide what is acceptable for you. If you two can have an honest discussion about boundaries you could use this as growing point.