Talked to friend's wife

[DaniArizona]

My friend and his wife went through a simular situation as "C" and I....he left, didn't want to talk to her, they had NC for a few months than one day he somehow changed his mind and came back to her...a few months later they got married....this gave me some hope. These past couple of weeks since "C" left I have been talking to both him and his wife on how they reconnected. Well today his wife called me and said that lately he's been pulling away from her, has been going out drinking all the time and acting like he did when he first left her....IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR BREAKING UP AND GETTING BACK TOGETHER? Or will things just be the same even if "C" came back?

[endy]

Honestly nobody knows and that's part of life. I would give up all hope and move on. It's not attractive when you are in constant need of someone. Most of the time breaking up should be it, move on and its done. Sometimes do two people change enough over a long period of time and reconnect? Sure they do, and sometimes that works out.

 

Right now if he came back neither of you have changed. The relationship would be the same. Maybe not at first, there probably would be an "in love" stage again. That's not what true love is however. That's why it is best to heal and move on always. You get the person back you were before you met them, how you were when you attracted them. Usually then some if you focus on your growth and healing properly.

[CatsMeeoow]

...and if I could answer that question I would be very very wealthy.

 

There are so many stories where couples break up and get back together and live happily ever after... couples break up and go on to other partners to only reconcile 20+ year later... couple who get back together and break up for the very same reason they broke up the first time.

 

No one can predict what "C" will do. You have no control over "C".

 

You only have control over yourself and your actions. You have to accept that "C" is gone. You have to find a way to move on and have a life without "C". This doesn't mean that "C" may never change "C's" mind. No one knows what the future may hold.

 

I know its rough. I've been devastated after a break up as well. Lots of people on this board have - lots of great advice to get here and lots of wonderful support on those days it seems so upside down.

 

HUGS!

[DaniArizona]

Thank you I am, however, not hiding facts from myself anymore....I am allowing myself to see what a selfish person he really was and I have taken him a few notches down on his pedastool and I think that is a move forward. I've been doing good on NC for a couple of days. I am prepairing myself for a life without him....but I can't let go of that hope that he'll come back just get. Endy, you are right...I know things will be the same...and no matter how much I can change my ways in the relationship I know he is too selfish to realize that he has changing to do too...I found the last time we talked I was apologizing....which is weird concidering I really haven't done anything wrong. I guess I do need to find my own strength before I allow anyone else (including him) back into my life. Some days have been better than others...but they haven't been good days...I really want to have those good days back.

[JerkBrokeMe]

IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR BREAKING UP AND GETTING BACK TOGETHER? Or will things just be the same even if "C" came back?

 

Yes. My parents separated for a little under a year when I was around 7 years old. My Dad moved out and dated another woman. My parents went to therapy together once a week throughout the whole time, for reasons I don't understand, since my Dad was adamant that he wanted a divorce. Other than that I don't think they really had any contact with eachother. When they did it was unpleasant, given that he was moving on with someone else. Anyway one day my Mom received the call that everyone on this board says never happens. He called and said "maybe we can try and work things out." That call was like 18 years ago.

[DaniArizona]

That's great! But unfortunately I was the woman living with the married man....hmmmm

[abitbroken]

I scanned over a few old posts and notice "i talked to a friend about..." C or now you are talking to another couple about you relationship with C. You are talking about their relationship, but its really about how you can get C back. I think there is too much sharing details of your relationship with other people. An anonymous sounding board is one thing, but you really should either be talking to C about the problems you have with C, or working towards moving on as if he is never coming back ever. also, if you are apologizing so much - are you sure that you are not grovelling? Or apologizing for HIS behavior? And why do you want a man like him? Take time to heal, and then only accept dates from available men - no ring on their finger.

[JerkBrokeMe]

That's great! But unfortunately I was the woman living with the married man....hmmmm

 

Okay, I just read a little bit of your back story. I'm all for reconciliations, but not in this case. I'm sorry, but you found a jerk. A jerk that would mess around on his wife of 16 years and leave his children for another woman. I know the heart wants what it wants, but you have to realize if he did that to her there is nothing to make you believe he won't do it to you someday. Also your relationship's foundation started out as a lie since he wasn't even honest with you about his marital status. Nothing good is going to come of it even if he does come back to you. He'll hurt you like he hurt her.

 

I hope he gets his crap together and learns how to be a proper husband and father to the family he already has. I also hope you find a nice guy who will be honest with you.

[DaniArizona]

I hope so too I really just want "C" but without the wife/kids/lies/selfishness....I hope I would be able to find someone like that.....

[abitbroken]

I hope so too I really just want "C" but without the wife/kids/lies/selfishness....I hope I would be able to find someone like that.....

 

Basically, you are saying you want someone completely different than C. You can't change people.

[DaniArizona]

Basically, you are saying you want someone completely different than C. You can't change people.

 

I just wrote up a list of the pros and cons of him...The cons obviously outweigh the pros....but there are those very few pros I'd like to find in someone.

[abitbroken]

I just wrote up a list of the pros and cons of him...The cons obviously outweigh the pros....but there are those very few pros I'd like to find in someone.

 

why not do an honest assessment of yourself first so you don't wind up with an unavailable man again. Work on yoruself adn on healing before you go klooking for anything in anoither

[AutumnBorn]

Of course there's hope: You and your friend's wife need to get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships and read it cover to cover immediately. It's gut wrenching at times, but the answer lies within it's pages, but you have to read the entire book (it's small) to "get" it.

 

On the other hand, here's a quick primer from the amazing Al Turtle:

 

link removed

 

 

The most important things to keep it mind is delaying gratification for our ultimate happiness is most important and the partner who wants the relationship least holds the power (one of the two partners will always want it more or less and it varies from time to time).