Really need someone to talk to, in love and in pain

[berserk1986]

I feel like my heart's in a blender. I've been with a man for the last 8 years now (married for 1.5); we got together when I was very young and vulnerable in my life. Throughout our relationship I've always loved him, but I've never really felt like he was the one for me. I'm weak, though, any time I've tried to break up with him I just couldn't go through with it in an effort to not crush him/break his heart. I ended up cheating on him and he found out; we tried to take a break but still were intimate with one another and I ended up getting pregnant with him. I wanted to get an abortion but he didn't, and I didn't feel right doing it without him wanting it too. So we stayed together and patched things up, but I've always come back to the same feeling - I'm with him because I'm comfortable with our love, I'm not in love with him. I wanna cry just admitting it.

 

We ended up getting married and having another baby; I've dealt with my unhappiness by cheating on him again several times over the years after that first time (he doesn't know about that, by the way), but ever since being married I have stayed faithful because I am trying to be a good person and do right by him. We ended up moving for a new job I got, and we've befriended a couple in our neighborhood here. The female is someone I like (albeit she is pretty self-centered and rarely inquires to me about my life) and I have tried very hard to be close with her because it's very difficult for me to be in a new place where I have no family or friends. Her boyfriend of 5 years, well... He's a wonderful person who is genuine and caring and fun, and a lot like me in so many ways. Getting to know him I've felt real love for him, but never entertained the thought of being more than his friend given the current situation.

 

About two weeks ago he admitted to me that he truly loves me.

 

We've been caught up with each other since then, talking about our feelings and realizing that we are truly in love, but unable to do anything about it because of where we are in our lives. We've shared our feelings and yes, we've kissed, but out of respect for our significant others' we haven't done more than that at this point. We've talked about it and determined that there's really nothing else to be done other than to end our current relationships, but because we are in so deep we feel we must take it slow and let things play out. Our more frequent interactions have been picked up on by his girlfriend and yesterday she asked me point blank if there was anything between us. I said no and that we were just friends, and she went on to say that she's been getting strange vibes and that nothing better be going on because "it would ruin a lot of people's lives".

 

I'm shaking even just rehashing that. It's an awful feeling, that I'm a piece of sh*t person for loving someone. It's not even like it's lust or an escape. I'm fairly certain that what's going on here is true love; I can see us together for the rest of our lives (he's echoed this same sentiment to me), and my thoughts around him are thoughts of happy times together rather than thoughts of lust.

 

But of course, I'm racked right now with feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, and fear. It's really difficult to stay strong and continue just living my life as I always have at this point. I know now that I cannot stay in my marriage, but because we have kids I have to go about this in a very planned, careful way. In any case it will have to happen eventually; If you really love someone you wouldn't do what I have done, and you can't stay in a marriage just to keep a family together with the price being paid is that I forever feel unhappy and unfulfilled in my life.

 

I'm not even sure true love is real; it's a real leap of faith just believing that this man and I are not crazy and are really, truly in love. I'm just very alone with no one to talk to about this and it kills me. I have no idea how to handle my emotions right now. I feel like I can't stay far enough away from them at this point, but now I'm very torn up inside because it hurts to feel like loving someone, not even lusting after someone, is a bad thing.

 

Thoughts/feedback are most welcome. Thanks you for, at the very least, "listening"

[Anna.]

You need to make "eventually" turn into "now." Regardless, you DON'T love your husband, and you aren't doing him, yourself, or your kids any favors by staying. Be strong and LEAVE. Do it peacefully, work out a temporary arrangement for custody and get the ball rolling.

 

As for the other man, he HAS to wait until the divorce precedings are at the very least under way and you have stabilized the custody situation for your kids. Your kids are the priority, remember that. If it is real love, this man will wait the couple of months it takes to do that. Also, he needs to break up with his gf, too. It's not fair to her, either, and they are not bound by marriage, so nothing is stopping him.

[jaywalk]

Personally I'd like to know more about your marriage and what led you to the point where you felt the need to cheat repeatedly. Something else that caught my attention is that you said you cheated several times to deal with your unhappiness yet since getting married you've "stopped so as to be a good person." Mind you I dont judge you and I believe life experiences are a good teacher but I have to ask; why did you marry the guy if you didnt love him? Why would you put that much effort into something you really dont seem to care about? An even better question is how strongly do you stand behind your word? Sickness and health, for better or worse. I ask because the problems you have right now wont leave with a signed and settled divorce. If anything it will amplify them.

The jist of the matter is more to the fact that you feel guilty having these feelings for another man (we wont even discuss your friendship with the girlfriend) and that you feel unhappy in your marriage. Worse is that he has similar feelings for you and then how can things go from there? Pretending that everything is settled and decided that you two cant be an item and you both agree you need to work on your marriage/relationships, there would be that awkwardness looming over the two of you.

Why cant you stay in your marriage? Have you considered private or even marriage counseling? Getting down on yourself wont fix the problem, but this "planned,careful, manner" in which you've proceeded so far could be better used in working on your marriage.

Understand that marriage is a journey not the end of a race where you throw the flowers and then ask is that it...there are good times and bad times, wins and losses. You opted to spend your life with this man after you cheated on him and was forgiven and now plan to bail out? Sounds like there are bigger issues here than what youve posted so far.

[berserk1986]

Anna - thanks very much for your input. It's very good advice.

 

jaywalk - I know that without you having more details it's very understandable for you to have the perspective you do. It's a sad situation, no matter how many details I divulge. I appreciate your concern and advice to contineu to work at the marriage, but I simply can't continue living this lie that I'm satisfied and happy when I'm not. I've stayed this long because we have kids and I do have love for him, it's just not the type of love that it should be when you say you'll be with someone forever.

[jaywalk]

" I've stayed this long because we have kids and I do have love for him, it's just not the type of love that it should be when you say you'll be with someone forever. "

 

I would respectfully ask you to define that love. What type of love do you have for someone that should last forever? Are we speaking of a romantic sort of love that makes your heat melt everytime you are together? Are we talking about the love that comes from a committed relationship that allows for imperfections and quirks like snoring or touching ones chin with food before putting it in their mouth. How do you define the love you have for your husband?

At the risk of sounding cold or harsh, I get the impression that your mind was made up before you decided to post this and came looking for someone to take your side and tell you that you are doing the right thing. If he is abusive to you, physically, I would agree you need to bail out if not for your safety then for that of the children. Verbally or emotionally I would say counseling is the step to take, if that doesnt help then yes, pull the cord and bail out so that your childrens image of how a man should treat his wife isnt distorted.

I approach you from a standpoint that has seen divorce and separation. I have seen and in some cases lived it myself. I believe that all too often people get married and dont have a lot of integrity behind their vows. What I mean is, "As long as we both shall live" has become " As long as I can put up with you" or "As long as we both shall love".

 

I am not in your shoes nor do I judge you, I believe that you have given alot of consideration to this matter and dont make your decision lightly,however, I feel that if you thought enough of this man to marry and have children with him, there is something worth working for. I stand by my assesment that you came looking for validation,someone to say you need to take care of you and your happiness, and in someways I would probably be one of those saying that to you; however, in this case I would contend that when you agreed to share your life with this man, you did so with the understanding that there will be periods of unhappiness and they could very well be his as well as yours.

Speaking of which, where is your husband in all of this? Have you two discussed this at all? Does he notice a problem and want to work through it? Whats his input?

[berserk1986]

Jaywalk - you're right, my mind was made up. I made this post because I have difficulty feeling safe enough to share myself and what's going on with me to those in my life; I always fear the judgement, criticism, and condemmnation that typically follows me opening myself to others. I try hard to live my live without regret, and I honestly don't regret the situation I'm in, it's just very difficult to handle at times.

 

Also, yesterday she confronted me - she found a letter I had written him in his pocket. The situation's been made out to be that I'm just in love with him and he doesn't reciprociate the feeling; her believing this and desiring to keep their relationship intact is really the only thing stopping her from telling my husband about what she has discovered. Needlessly to say, my friendship with her is completely over and I can't see this man any longer or contact him without risking her letting my husband know what's transpired.

 

You seem to want to know more about where my husband stands on this, and honestly this all has very little to do with him. The problems we have have been hashed out time and time again - you can't ask someone to change what's in their nature, and I had come to accept that I would just be semi-happy with my life and I love him because he is the father of my children. I just can't accept it any longer.

 

I intend to begin looking into divorce procedures but want to stay focused on less stressful things until the holidays pass by. I'm happy to have been able to get my thoughts and feelings out of just my own head, even it it is accompanied by being judged by those that may read this.

 

Thank you for listening.

[chitown9]

I think it is a good idea to put your plans on hold until after the holidays. I can understand why you would like to escape a marriage that is unfulfilling. I view that is the true reason for your disatisfaction with your present situation. I would focus on your life and making a smooth transition to single life. It is really best to have no contact with this other fellow for right now. You have a great deal on your plate and it will require your full timae and attention.....best wishes for you....chi

[jaywalk]

Accidentally duplicated my post while previewing it...whoops

[jaywalk]

First and foremost I want to wish you well and lots of luck in your life. You make some good points about your relationship and clearly you've been dealing with this for some time now. I also want you to be clear,if I may, that I had no intention of coming off as judgmental. Believe me when I tell you the plank in my eye is much bigger than the speck in yours(Biblicalreference). I understand the comfort that anonymity brings and sometimes you can't talk to people or in some cases computer screens. I pray for peace of mind for you and that after this divorce of yours that you find what you are looking for. Thanks for sharing. God Bless