Dating is exhausting. What did I do wrong this time?

[brazilgirl21]

I don't even know where to start. Literally. Where do I even start?

 

I guess I can start by sating that it's 3am and I can't sleep. I have to be at work tomorrow by 9am.

 

I can't sleep because dating can just be SO cruel. Why? Why is it this hard and this painful? Why does it hurt this much? And why do we keep putting ourselves back in the game just to get hurt ALL over again. I have been on ENA for almost 3 years after I ended my only successful and 3.5 years long relationship.

 

The past 3 years? It has been disapointment after disapointment.

 

Ok, but let me stop rambling about the past and talk about what happened now.

 

I met a guy. A little over a month ago. It was a mundane Friday and I was having dinner with a close girlfriend. The guy I had been dating for the past month had just went back to his home country and I was a little sad. It wasn't too bad because I KNEW he was leaving when I met him anyways. So the blow is never as big when you already expect it.

 

My friend asked me if I wanted to meet the guy she was seeing at a bar after dinner. She told me he was with a very cute friend who worked with him. I said why not. Let's rock and roll. Of course I wasn't expecting anything, as these setups are always a letdown.

 

When we arrived at the bar - I was pleasantly surprised. Wow, this guy is cute. But not only that, we spent the WHOLE night engrossed in conversation. It was one of those moments where everything clicked. By the end of the night he was already holding my hand. When we left the bar, he tried to kiss me. We ended up going back to his house and having drinks on the living room. We just talked about everything and spent time together. Then he drove me back home.

 

The following day we went to a party at his friend's house and then to a club. Then we went back to his house because we simply could not stay apart. At that time, I have to agree he couldn't stay away from me. I was still not completely crazy about him.

 

On Sunday he works. He's an investment banker in Sao Paulo - the new financial capital of the world. Sorry Wall Street and NYC. At night, we went to grab pizza with our friends who are also dating.

 

On Monday we didn't talk and then on Tuesday he sent me the CUTEST message on facebook. We talked a lot about movies so he sent me a message saying: getting ready to watch some of my faves and posted a clip to each of his favorite film. One clip was of Pulp Fiction, the other was of Big Fish and it was a clip that said: "They say when you meet the love of your life time stops, and that's true". The other one was a clipe about "Fate" from Benjamin Button and he wrote: this is kind of how we met. We talked about how if they hadn't ordered pizza at the bank or if this or that hadn't happened we wouldn't have met on that Friday. Anyways, it was just a clip of his favorite movies, but it was pretty romantic.

 

On Wednesday we went to watch a Brazil game with our friends who are dating. On Friday, some of the girls from my hometown were in town so I had to go out with them. He came too and brought friends. All of my friends were smitten at how amazing and nice this guy was and how he was crazy about me. On Saturday I went to one of his friend's birthday party and ended up sleeping at his house afterwards. Still, nothing happened. Later on Sunday he came by to watch big fish and then dinner.

 

We talked everyday on the following week and on Friday he took me to dinner. We then met a few friends at a bar and then I slept over again. On Saturday we woke-up, went for breakfast and I went to meet friends. On Sunday he picked me up early and we went for a run on the park. Later, after work, he came to spend some time with me at home.

 

We talked most days on the following week and on Friday he took me to a really nice restaurant for dinner. I went to sleep at his house for the 4th weekend. We hadn't had sex yet and we didn't on Friday. I just wasn't feeling secure yet. During the night I sensed that he was a little colder towards me so in the morning we talked and he said that he didn't understand why I still didn't trust him enough to have sex, that we had been together for 1 month and it was natural in a relationship and bla bla. Everything he said made sense. He said that he didn't need to say he liked me all the time because just the fact that he spent EVERY second he wasn't working with me should tell me that. Ok. I got it. We hugged and I said I still needed a little time and bla bla. We then went to have lunch and to an art gallery. Then we went back to his place to nap and then we went to meet my friends at a bar. That night, I slept at his house and we finally had sex. We had breakfast the next day and he went to work. After work, he met me for dinner.

 

On the following week, which was last week, I started to feel insecure. First of all, having sex makes me feel completely insecure. It makes us girls vulnerable. On Monday he sent me a cute text though and all was well. On Tuesday we talked. Everything was good.

 

On Wednesday, we didn't talk at all. I had initiated contact on Tues so I left the ball on his court for wed. On Thursday, I was feeling very insecure. Eventually he showed up and we made plans for Friday. It had been a crazy week for him at work so he just wanted to cook for me and watch a movie.

 

Friday was AMAZING. We had SUCH a great time together and everything seemed perfect. Better than they had been. He said he liked me more now than he had on our first date and that I was amazing and we got along so well and bla bla.

 

Then on Saturday it was a Jewish holiday and I'm Jewish so we went to lunch together and then I had to go to temple. He had a party with friends and I told him to go and NOT worry about getting out early because of me and we'd just meet up when he was ready. It was a day party.

 

That's when things started taking a turn. 11:30pm rolled in and he hadn't contacted me. I texted him to see where he was and he was still at the party. Ok, no problem. He was being very unresponsive to me but I was drinking with friends and my friends wanted to go out so I decided to make the most of a night out with my friends. He texted saying: "Baby, I'm really tired and am going to bed, can we see eachother tomorrow?". I said of course and that I was going out with friends. I was a little irritated for like 5 seconds because we only see eachother on fri,sat,sun but soon enough I was fine. He sent me cute things all night and things seemed really good again.

 

When I woke-up on Sunday I texted him saying I wanted to go for a movie. He said he didn't know what time he'd get out of the office, maybe around 10pm. And then I got very irritated. I was feeling vulnerable because I had sex with him, coupled with the fact he was too tired to meet me after a party with friends. And if he knew he would stay at the office until 10pm on a Sunday, why tell me we'd see eachother? So I guess I was a little pissy: "Haha, ok! No worries! We are probably not even going to be able to hangout let alone catch a movie. Let's talk later". After a while I noticed I had been a little unreasonable so I texted some cute things and stopped being annoyed. So at 9:30pm he asks me if I want to grab something to eat and we go for pizza. Things seemed great, like always.

 

And you guys wonder what's wrong with me, right? Well, I might be crazy, but I'm feeling like something is up. On Sunday, he didn't send me any cute good night texts like he usually does. On Monday and Tuesday we didn't speak at ALL. Today was a holiday and I knew he had to work. Blackberries are down all over the world so we can't talk via bbm - our normal mean of *cute* conversation. So I called him this morning and he was just waking up to go to work. Yes, he also works on holidays. The conversation was normal I guess. But I just feel like something is off. You know that gut feeling?

 

Since I know I might had pressure him a little on the weekend, I sent him a very cute text after he hungup: "Hey, think that your dedication and hard work will pay off on the end. Longterm thinking always! Have a good day at work!". He did NOT reply to my message. And text/phone IS working on blackberry.

 

And he didn't talk to me at all anymore. Look, I know that the guy is SWAMPED at work. Probably a little more then the first week we met, but he always, ALWAYS made time to send a little text or call me. What is up with him this week? Why is he being so distant?

 

Am I psyching myself over nothing? It REALLY does not feel this way. I've been dating the guy for the past month and he is acting different towards me.

 

I guess D-Day is Friday. We ALWAYS go out on Friday because Saturday is his day off. But will he even contact me? It's not looking like he will. And if he doesn't, do I contact him? What do I do about this situation? I don't want to pressure him, but should I tell him how I feel?

 

This guy works SUN-FRI until 1am in a very pressure packed environment, but it has always been like this. I understand the pressure. But it's just hard when he made me fall for someone who was ALWAYS being sweet and making time for me and now suddenly is starting to pull away.

 

I don't want to lose him. But have I already?

 

I don't want to blame the lack of contact on Blackberry because he has my phone number and even though bbm/e-mail is not working he can call or text.

 

What is going on here? How should I proceed?

 

I didn't talk to him on Monday and Tuesday because I know he needs space, but after talking to somebody daily for the past 40 days, it gets very weird when we stop talking specially after we had sex.

 

Ugh. Please, please help a desperate soul and sorry for the long rant.

 

PS. I feel like this is over. When one has to write about it on a new thread on ENA it normally means things are wrong.

[Fudgie]

Actually, texting has been affected on some Blackberry devices, from what I read. It's not all JUST bbm/email/internet services.

 

I would definitely wait until Friday and see what happens. If you feel like something is off though, something very well may be. I'm sorry.

 

For future times, I wouldn't suggest sleeping with a guy unless you're "official". I don't know if I'm just old fashioned but it's worked well for me. I would be insecure too if I just slept with someone who is not committed to me, because then I would worry about him just taking off whenever without a word.

[annie24]

i'm wide awake too. i think the herbal tea i drank before bed had caffiene in it. i took a sleeping pill, hopefully will be out soon!

 

in dating, you never know. sure, he might disappear without a word, but he can do that even in a relationship. heck - a woman i know - her husband of 30 years left her.... via e-mail message. "I'm not coming home... ever again."

 

I would try to resist the urge to worry and let things unfold as they will. at this point, there's no reason to think he has changed his mind, just try to focus on work or call your friends and go out with them!

[sophie274]

I would try to resist the urge to worry and let things unfold as they will. at this point, there's no reason to think he has changed his mind, just try to focus on work or call your friends and go out with them!

 

Exactly. I posted on your journal, but I completely agree. It's been two or three days that he's been distant - and in that time he has called you. I know it feels like something major, but he might be legitimately super stressed - and he might feel secure enough that he doesn't have to text you all the time. Or, true, maybe he's just not feeling it anymore, of course, that could be a possibility. Just wait and see. Don't do or say anything drastic, don't decide that it's over. You just need to slow WAY down here.

[Mharris]

Felicidades amiga Estas situacoes, especialmente no inicio do relaciamento sao bem perigosas. Um sentimento de pressao por qualquer lado pode desequilibriar a coisa toda. Give him a few days, and if he doesn't make any contact Friday, I would call or go over to his house Saturday and attempt to have a thorough conversation. If he still blows you off, do yourself a favor and erase his number from your phone, delete him off Facebook, w/e, so that you're not tempted to contact him in a weak moment. Espero que as coisas deem certo, mas no futuro seria uma boa pratica para adiar fazendo o sexo ate que o relacionamento amadureca um pouco, precisamente para evitar estes sentimentos vulneraveis. Todo o melhor e boa sorte!

[brazilgirl21]

Soph and Annie - you guys are AMAZING for calming me down all the time. Counting down the days and looking for nice Yoga places!!!

 

He texted me at 9:11am this morning saying he just received my text, was on the road going to visit a client and sent me a kiss.

 

Oh well, let's see how this goes. I will probably reply tonight and see if we make plans for tomorrow. I guess I need to see him to get out of this funk.

[sophie274]

 

He texted me at 9:11am this morning saying he just received my text, was on the road going to visit a client and sent me a kiss.

 

See?! Ok file that away in your mind so that next time something like this happens, you have it to think back on and get your mind to slow WAY down and not panic.

I really don't think you need to wait until tonight to reply to his text. He replied as soon as he got it! I know there's all this talk about giving space, but I also feel like if you wait a whole to reply, he can try to match your contact and take all day to reply as well. It could be a chicken/egg thing if you see what I mean.

 

I hope you two can plan some fun stuff for the weekend!

[brazilgirl21]

Meh I replied and he didn't reply back. So now I'm back at worrying.

[22n32]

Meh I replied and he didn't reply back. So now I'm back at worrying.

 

Wow. Please don't take offense to this but your nuerotic.. ur gonna sabotoge ur own Rel..

 

Being an investment banker myself, the markets are open now and he said he was meeting his clients.. sometimes I don't and can't respond to text till the end of the day..

 

Please calm down.. were in crazy times in the markets..

[april15]

Relax, quit putting so much into every communication. If the message is not time sensitive do not stress if he does not get back to you instantly or even timely. See how things go this weekend. Try to get some quality face time to get a good gauge on where you two stand.

[brazilgirl21]

Hahaha, it's hard not to take offense when someone calls you a neurotic.

 

But I guess I am a little bit. I have been trying hard not to freak out on him and freak out with you guys instead and try to understand where he is coming from.

 

You have to understand he was already an IB-er when we started dating and he seemed to have a lot more time to communicate with me. The patterns changed, that's what's worrying me.

 

I do need to see him face-to-face to see how things are going. The problem is, given the lack of communication this week, I'm not even sure I'll get that opportunity.

[motley802]

Hahaha, it's hard not to take offense when someone calls you a neurotic.

 

But I guess I am a little bit. I have been trying hard not to freak out on him and freak out with you guys instead and try to understand where he is coming from.

 

You have to understand he was already an IB-er when we started dating and he seemed to have a lot more time to communicate with me. The patterns changed, that's what's worrying me.

 

I do need to see him face-to-face to see how things are going. The problem is, given the lack of communication this week, I'm not even sure I'll get that opportunity.

 

May be he is having really busy time during last few days? Give him some time and space. May be backing off a little will help.

[LAYAAN]

OP, dating is exhausting if you let it get into your head. Though its a good idea to reflect and see if you have done anything wrong, sometimes there is nothing that we do wrong, but things just don't work out. So there isn't always an explanation to the other person's behavior. Don't try to figure everything out. That will get you feeling even more exhausted.

 

I am telling myself the same thing. I would really like to find a man soon and get married. Every man that I meet, I get my hopes up and they leave me for someone else, I feel so down and discouraged. If they are interested they will call, if not, they won't. I'm telling myself to stop fretting over it, live my life, and not put all eggs into one basket.

[contrase]

Sometimes us guys need our space for a few days. It would be helpful if a guy would come right out and say he needs some time to work out his issues and reassure his gf that it's nothing to do with her but it's not always that way unfortunately. The worst thing to do is put pressure on him to spend time with you, I suggest you just sit on your hands and try to convince yourself that you're over reacting at least a little bit.

[DylanNotorious]

No you didn't do anything wrong, in fact I was impressed that you waited so long to have sex. Not many girls these days wait that long!

 

I really do think that he is busy from the time-schedule you gave us. At first, he would have to be very communicative to get you, and keep you interested. You will just have to see how it goes.

[brazilgirl21]

Just to clarify - I completely understand that this might all be in my head.

 

However, what I'm feeling is vulnerability after sleeping with somebody and actually starting to fall for him. We had a really great thing going on from Day 1. All my friends could NOT stop talking about how he was crazy about me, smitten and how he treated me like a princess.

 

This week things have been odd. No "baby" or "I miss you" or cute messages at all. Those take 1-2 seconds of someone's day.

 

Also, yesterday was a holiday and when everyone was spending time with their SO's, I was at home. Tuesday everyone went out and guess what? We didn't even talk. I know he worked during the holiday and I tried HARD to give him space Monday and Tuesday.

 

I called him on Wed just to say hey and then I sent him the cutest text saying: "T, remember that all your hardwork and dedication will pay off in the end. Longterm thinking always! Have a good day at work".

 

Do that seem like pressure?

 

He did NOT reply to my text. Then I sent him a good night msg and he replied this morning. I wasn't playing games or expecting him to see me. I just... missed him.

 

We had been talking everyday for the past 40 days, I feel insecure when the patterns changes. But I never pressured. I was actually super supportive and trying to make him smile during a tough work (holi)day.

 

And I got NADA back from him.

 

Actually I got a: "Ish, just got your message now. I'm on the road, kisses to you".

[motley802]

Are you sure he wants relationship? Maybe he is looking for some casual dating. Did your friends mention that he was also looking for relationship? If he still continues to be flaky, it would be best if you can bring topic of relationship in next meeting. Don't mention that you want to get exclusive with him, just ask him casually; what he thinks about you guys going out together.

[brazilgirl21]

He was JUST kind of talkative via bbm. Witty banter. He is driving back from visiting a client out of town so I guess it was the time he had to write me.

 

T: Hey. Just got your bbm. I think it's working again.

M: I sent you at 1pm! I just got 20 bbms of people saying that got my msgs!

T: Haha ok. Read the other 19 and get back to me!

M: Will do. You're the least important of them anyways!

T: I had that idea. Haha.

T: I'm going to stop at a gas station to make a call and eat. Let's talk later? Kisses

M: Yes. I just got a new intern and am teaching her how to work. The other 19 ppl will have to wait. Xo.

 

 

Seems fine? Seems like someone who wants to break-up??

[annie24]

Things sound fine - nothing to worry about!!

[Fudgie]

Are you sure he wants relationship? Maybe he is looking for some casual dating. Did your friends mention that he was also looking for relationship? If he still continues to be flaky, it would be best if you can bring topic of relationship in next meeting. Don't mention that you want to get exclusive with him, just ask him casually; what he thinks about you guys going out together.

 

I agree with this.

 

You need to find out where you guys stand. I also suggest (as I've said before) to not sleep with a guy unless it's exclusive. If you're looking for a LTR and don't want to get neurotic/insecure/hurt, then this is the way to do it. Let your intentions be known upfront and don't sleep with a guy until you guys decide together that you both want a relationship.

 

That's the one thing that I think where you went wrong. You sounded well and good until you slept with him, and then him getting a little busy and you not knowing what's up because you're NOT in a relationship...well, that made things kinda weird.

[brazilgirl21]

Argh. I don't know how I feel. It's definitely not his fault. He just called me and was still at bloody work. We talked for a while and it was nice but there wasn't too much to talk about considering all he has done is work and all I have done is psyche myself out over this.

 

On the end I was like so when will I be able to see you. And he said that we should talk tomorrow and see how it goes but that either he's going to work hard tomorrow so he can go out with me or work hard so he doesn't have to work on saturday and he can see me.

 

He's exhausted. It's almost 1am and he has been at work since 7:30am after getting out at 2am last night.

 

I don't think I pressured him about wanting to see him. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I miss him. I was being myself and not playing games. But I was understanding and sweet and said that I totally understand if he wants to just sleep.

 

Ugh, now I'm not sure if I should have talked about seeing him. But oh well, I like the guy, I miss him, I want to see him. I hope he doesn't understand it as pressure.

[brazilgirl21]

He told me that he loved the cute text I sent him last night so when he hung up I sent him:

 

"Promise me that you'll leave the office soon to get some sleep, I miss you!! xo"

To which he replied: "I'm sorry that I didn't speak to you that well on the phone. I'm just really sleeping on here. I miss you too. Xoxo"

And I said: "Hey, do not worry about me! I just want you to get some rest so you dont get sick! You know that I understand you! =* "

 

His voice on the phone just totally broke my heart. I like this guy a lot and he's having such a tough week. And to know that he's worrying about me just made me sad.

 

At the same time, am I being too clingy and girlfriendy?

 

I have done my part, tomorrow I'm planning a night out with my friends, and living my life. I'm trying to be supportive but I also have to take care of myself, right??

[chr8st8na]

Okay, reading your original post- you got one great memory!! Did you started a logbook when you both met?? Seriously you don't miss a thing. However I think it also speaks volume about you as an individual when it comes to relationship because it continues on to other posts. You are scrutinizing ever action or non-action he makes- that usually means you are insecure but it might manifests behaviors that might make you come off as critical, needy, paranoid or emotionally overwhelming. I know because I was once like that and I had to teach myself that I would never be that girl again because relationships became fun for a short time but NOT fun very quickly. It's still a new relationship...

What you should try to do is stop over-analyzing things. That is the reason why you remember detail to detail and you keep replaying it and keep interpreting if theres a meaning behind everything. Yes, you've been hurt but don't let your own fears of gettng hurt ruin things with this guy. Yes you have been hurt but the reason why we have experiences is to grow stronger and mature as a person so we don't let the disappointment of others get to us where we self-loath in our flaws and insecurities. Just tell yourself that the relationship is still new and you two will only get better by gettin thru this and working thru it...

[laura40]

Hi,

 

I think you might be over-analysing things. He sounds as if he's really busy with work at the moment, so...just sit back and chill!!!

 

Are you two in an exclusive relationship? Or just seeing each other?

 

Damn right that you have to care for yourself...go out and see your friends & have fun!

 

With dating, you have to be prepared that the other person could disappear at any moment (although I suppose this can happen with a relationship too!) But it's more common in dating. If you two are NOT in an exclusive relationship, then please don't become too emotionally attached too soon.

 

Keep us updated!!

[brazilgirl21]

PS. About remembering everything. Lol. I have a "Dating Journal" on the 'journals' section and I definitely had to read it over to start this post.

 

First of all, yes, we are most definitely exclusive. We didn't discuss the terms "bf and gf" but we did talk about exclusivity and I'm 100% sure he's not seeing anybody else. I mean, are you kidding me? When could he? He works from Sunday-Friday from 9am-1am and for the past 5 weeks since we met, he had spent every fri,sat,sun with me when he's not in the office.

 

I'm sure he always saw us as a potential serious relationship. He mentioned a couple of times that his dad wants to meet me, whenever I see his friends they talk about how they have heard good things about me and we basically do everything together on the weekends so I'm not sure how this is a casual thing. He has told me multiple times that if he didn't think we had longterm potential he would not spend his really scarce and valuable free time with me.

 

This, however, was all on the first month.

 

This week, I feel like things have changed and he has been colder and more distant. That's why I started this thread. I have a journal too and I have always posted about how things were great with this guy. No drama, no game playing. Until a week ago when I started really falling hard and getting more insecure.

 

Anyways, here is what I posted on my journal this morning about cutting him some slack about the crazy work hours. He texted me at 2:30am saying: "It seems like a joke, but my car broke on my way home and I'm going back on a tow truck". Poor guy.

 

So here is what I wrote on my journal:

 

I am cutting him some slack.

 

However, a relationship is about give and take and I can't just give, give, give and not really receive anything back. I have a choice too and I'm also analyzing if I really want this for my life. Someone who might not be able to give me attention or support.

 

To be honest, I do not think I'm asking too much from him. I want to see my bf or potential bf at least 2 times a week. For me, it's not worth it to be in a relationship if I don't get to spend at least 2 days of the week with him.

 

And that is how this relationship started. He made an effort to see me 2-3 days a week. I do understand that his life got more complicated this week and might keep getting worse, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it.

 

It bothers me that he lets the work pressure affect the way he treats me. It makes me feel like he's still a boy who doesn't really know how to deal with the pressure of work. And he IS still very boyish. This was my first comment about T. He's amazing, but he's still a boy. I had been dating 30-32 year old guys in the past and T is only 25 and still pretty much a boy.

 

I admire him a lot for trying to make it on his own and the fact that he works very hard. I'm not belittling that at all. I'm never going to date a guy who does not take his career seriously as it is probably already pretty clear by my journal.

 

But I'm also looking for someone who is going to be able to juggle his career and his personal life and be able to be a good boyfriend to me. Is that a lot to ask?

 

I've been nothing but supportive of him but I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to be available to talk, call or go out with me.

 

Tonight I'm doing my own thing. If he wants to see me tomorrow, he can let me know. I made it pretty clear yesterday that I miss him and want to see him.

 

One of my friends even went as far to say that I shouldn't be that sweet to him and be a little colder. But that would be playing games and it's just really not what I do. I like to be myself. Should I start to play games and act cold?