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Boyfriend's friends and getting along with them.


mindie

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I'm not sure if this thread should go in this forum or the friendship and friends forum...I chose this one anyhow.

 

So. I moved here to New Zealand from Australia in June to live with my boyfriend. It's been pretty great. We click well together and all that but there's a huge difference between us. He's a social butterfly whereas I'm a social failure. He has many, many, MANY friends and acquaintances and people just seem to gravitate toward him. I, on the hand, usually fade into the background and keep to myself. At first I went with him to social gatherings like parties and band practices but as time has gone on he's sort of stopped asking me to come, I think mainly because about 70% of the time I turn him down.

 

I'm not sure if this is impacting the health of our relationship but I walked past him last night, to get to the bathroom, and I glanced at his computer and I saw on the Google search engine 'my girlfriend won't socialize'. It kind of threw me to be honest, he likes to tease me about being anti-social but I didn't know it was really bothering him.

 

Which leads me to ask myself: should I do it? Even if I would prefer not to?

 

I suppose part of me doesn't want to because I don't drink, smoke, smoke pot or take any substances, I have no interest, my boyfriend likes the beer and a smoke of cigarettes and pot every now and then as do ALL of his friends. They use these things to have a good time and I don't so there's another whole issue in itself.

 

I mean...is it better to try? Just TRY and socialize with them again? Or just be me and be the loner I am? I don't know.

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It sounds to me like you are more of an introvert. Introverts are not big socializers and prefer their quiet, alone time. I am very much an introvert. I like being around people in small doses, but need my time alone. I am not big on being a social butterfly. I can understand you not wanting to be hanging around people who are into drinking/smoking/pot..because chances are the conversation is probably silly banter as opposed to anything interesting. How about socializing with them half the time. In the meantime, try finding a group to join that interests you so that you can develop friendships more in line with your personality.

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It sounds to me like you are more of an introvert. Introverts are not big socializers and prefer their quiet, alone time. I am very much an introvert. I like being around people in small doses, but need my time alone. I am not big on being a social butterfly. I can understand you not wanting to be hanging around people who are into drinking/smoking/pot..because chances are the conversation is probably silly banter as opposed to anything interesting. How about socializing with them half the time. In the meantime, try finding a group to join that interests you so that you can develop friendships more in line with your personality.

 

You really said it there. "I like being around people in small doses" I don't MIND his friends, they're nice enough people but again you're right, all their conversations involve is silly banter. I honestly think I was born middle aged sometimes because I would prefer to hang around with older people and have a civilised conversation about things that matter. Not how good the '*bad word* he slept with was last night' I have no interest whatsoever.

 

Being new in town plus being an introvert makes it hard to meet people, my boyfriend does have this one friend, a guy, who I would consider a good friend of mine now, but he's a guy and he's my fella's best friend so I don't think we'll ever really fully 'click' so I'm considering taking a leap and asking if the friend's girlfriend would like to hang out, she's just like the other lot, into partying and drinking and so on but I need a friend, a FEMALE friend and sitting on my butt isn't going to get it for me.

 

I think you should talk to him about it. He seems to be very worried about you, shown by the fact that he's searching online for answers.

 

Be appreciate of his efforts and just have a nice honest little chat. If he cares for you, he'll try to figure something out to make you comfortable.

 

I tried to talk to him about it today...I said "Does it bother you that I'm not social?" and he said "Does a little bit sometimes just cause people think you don't like them. But I know it's just you"...if he thought that, I mean if he REALLY thought that....why would he be googling 'my girlfriend won't socialize'? I feel like maybe he's not being straight up with me.

 

Like just now...he's gone out to 'get on the booze' with his best mate and a bunch of other people, it doesn't bother me THAT much...I mean it does when I'm feeling down...like I am at the moment, but just because I'm anti-social and prefer to be alone with or without him...doesn't mean he shouldn't go out and have a good time whenever he wants, right?

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Befriending a friends gf is an excellent idea. Band practices can be very boring so it's understandable you wouldn't want to go to them all, try once a month to show support for him. And go to gigs if you can, you'll meet friends and friends of friends, sometimes you have to force yourself but relaionships are partnerships. I'm sure the other band members will have gfs you can hang out with occasionally.

 

Also you need to make your own friends, do you work or have a hobby? If not then get one! Not only will it give you some independence and cash but will give you something to talk to him about.

 

Not every person smokes and drinks so don't go down that route to fit in or think you have to.

 

I'd suggest that he asks his band mates whether one of their gf's could be at a practice so you have someone to talk to and you'll get to know someone almost on your own terms. I know I've done that in the past, been asked to 'look after xxxx', when ever one guitarist has a new gf (which isn't as often as his reputation would imply!)

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Only one band member has a girlfriend, the rest have girls. Period. But the one girlfriend is really nice and always seems keen to hang out with me, I'm not sure how well we'd work together considering the age difference, I'm nineteen, she's thirty-five, but I suppose that doesn't really matter does it.

 

I have a job, my co-worker is a fifty-something year old woman, I don't think we're going to be hanging out anytime soon.

 

I'm not sure if you could call it a hobby, but music. I enjoy music, I'm usually listening to, playing or thinking about music which is why I think I should have been able to fit in easily with my boyfriend's friends but I guess not. Sigh.

 

I'll give it a shot with the bandmate's girlfriend and see how I go, if it doesn't work I'll try the girlfriend of the other friend I mentioned before, the one who is a party animal, who knows? If we end up becoming friends...maybe I'll turn into a party animal too...in which case I might become more outgoing and social.

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