r0ckox Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I guess this goes here. Originally I was going to put it in the "emotions and feelings" section - but I realized that it's an internal issue and it's something I need to work on. Over the past couple of years, I've had a history of lashing out at a girl I know. I don't do it over the phone or in person, but only through text-message and email. It's not something I'm proud of, but at the time can justify it until the end of the earth - then comes the next day and I feel like a total ass. Usually my lashing out leads to me wanting to end our "friendship" and never speak to her again. That's never really the case, I just get upset and figure that's the best way to heal from it. I care for this girl a lot. More than I've ever cared for anyone, and it's troubling me deeply that I treat her this way. This isn't how you're supposed to act with someone you care about. She's made her mistakes and has deserved a few bad words thrown at her, just like everyone else.. but I even do it when she's done nothing wrong. I bring up old issues and issues that she can't possibly know about - so that's how I know that it's within me, not just her actions. I'm trying to find a way I can stop this behavior once and for all - before I lose her for good. I always tell her "it wont happen again, I promise." etc etc - but I always prove that wrong.. so I come to you all seeking help. It happened again last night, at complete random. We were BSing on AIM and when it was time for me to get off, I had told her that I was going leave and I'll talk to her whenever. Her phone is broken so AIM was the only way we could have communicated. She told me to email her my number and she'll call me from home the next day when she's done doing what she's gotta do, and I told her not to worry about that, I'll just talk to her whenever. I've been trying to keep my distance from her, as I have feelings for her that are not returned - so getting my hopes up of talking to her the next day and then it potentially not happening will bother me. She took that as rude and responded to me turning her down with an "ew" - I asked her what was wrong and she hit me with the "nothing, dont worry about it" and then she started taking forever to answer. Now I know better, when a woman says "nothing, dont worry about it" - it's usually not really the case, so I just wanted her to explain what I did wrong, as I wasn't getting it at the time. Eventually, I got pissed and made a comment about trying to talk to her is like talking to a wall, and signed off. Woke up in the middle of the night because I'm sick, and I hopped online to kill some time. I noticed that she had not responded to my last comment, and for some reason I got all pissed off that she didn't reply. I don't even know why I was mad at her! - but I started lashing out at her on AIM telling her that she doesn't really care about me, that she can't even respond, that I don't want to waste my time with people who don't care, etc.... and went on this long rant. It's like subconsciously I wanted her to respond to me being upset at her, and since she didn't it upset me more and made me think she didn't care. There are a lot of times over the last few years I've had the thought "she doesn't care" - and I'm very stubborn. Once that thought enters my head, it stays there until it's proven wrong. Now, I know that she does care about me, as she wouldn't have put up with me for as many years as we've known eachother, but for some reason - just about every single day in the last couple of years, I have that "why bother? what does she care" thought, and I'm so tired of feeling this way. I want that to stop, and i want to say "this girl cares, and here's how I know it!" and believe it. I think it stems from the fact that I look for the little things, and she doesn't do them. I'm unsure. Like on occasion she'll tell me "i'll call you back in a few minutes" and then I don't hear from her for days, so then the thoughts start building up again - yet if it was the other way around, I'd make sure I returned her phone call if I said I would. Or if we'll try and make plans, she has to cancel at the last minute for whatever reason, and then never tries to make up for it. It's stupid little crap like that, that makes these feelings build up and then I lash them out, and I don't want to do that anymore. It also stems from the fact that there were several times a couple years ago when we had relationship potential, that I was feeling like I was more into it than her, and asked her on a few occasions if "we could talk" - and she never made the effort to listen to what I had to say and understand how I was feeling, so now I feel closed out from just saying "hey, this bothered me." The sad part is, this isn't who I am. I don't do this to ANYONE but her. Whenever I'm mad at or upset with anyone else, I just let it go and brush it off - yet with her, it builds and builds and builds and finally comes out in a mean and cold way.. I made sure that the first thing I did this morning was send her an email and let her know what I had done, (because the IMs I sent her from AIM are "offline" IMs and she won't read them until she signs back on. I'm hoping she reads the email first.) and explained to her that I was just venting and I was sorry. She's heard all this before, so this is why it kills me. I told her over a year ago it would never happen again and I fail to deliver. I also went on to tell her that I cant handle being her friend right now, and I think it's best if I just stay away from her for a while until I can be O.K with being her friend. (Like I said above, I have feelings for her and she has not returned them, she said she just wanted to be friends, after a very confusing 2 years) Now, I have a fear that if she doesn't reply to my email (which she won't - she never has) I'm going to start thinking that same way again, and in the future I may lash out at her for it. I want this to be the last time. I never wanted a first time. I want her to be able to trust me and count on me. I want to be a supportive friend, but for some reason I just can't shake these feelings I have and I can't seem to stop my behavior. I don't know what to do. For now I'm just going to give both of us the space we need, but other than that, I'm at a loss. This isn't like me and I can't stand it anymore. I'm not only letting her down, but myself. Link to comment
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