Jump to content

Recommended Posts

After days of not speaking to one another the silence is broken as the phone begins to ring. With each ring your heart starts to beat faster. You can feel the nerves in your stomach begin to tighten as the mind begins to slowly panic. “It’s her”, you silently tell yourself. After taking a deep breath, you slowly and cautiously answer the phone. “Hello….hey….I don’t want to fight anymore. I love you and –“ you begin but are cut off with the words you hoped and even prayed you would never hear. “So you are giving up on us? After three years you just want to give up? What about us? What about all the plans we made? ….I can change!! I know I can. If you would just listen a second….” The phone falls silent. All the memories of three years begin to flood your heart as the tears slowly begin to flood your eyes.

 

 

Regardless of how your breakup occurred it hurt. Sometimes there are those that let foolish pride stand in the way of love. The need to be right conflicts with logical reasoning which in turn makes things even worse. You are seen as selfish as well as unloving. Breakups are never easy. No matter how much time has transpired, the heart as well as ego hurt in unison. The feelings of not being attractive, wanted, needed or the idea that someone else has come along can weigh heavy in your heart. You start to over-analyze every word, every action, every time your ex came over late or was too tired to come over. You begin to think so much that you lose sleep. When you do end up in bed, your mind just won’t shut off. Your mind begins to think of all the good times together. You go over in detail how you met, the first time you kissed, the first time you made love, the trips; the holidays together…..the thoughts just won’t turn off.

 

 

Then your mind and heart dig deeper….

 

 

You begin to envision the last time they said they loved you. The thoughts of the late night promises and plans you made together begin to tear at you and your heart aches because of it. You try to convince yourself that they will be back. You assume they hurt just as much as you do. You hope they do. If you found out otherwise you would possibly feel worse than you already do right now. The nights seem to stretch for days. The mind is a funny thing, yet it can cause your body to react to things it assumes is the truth if you convince yourself otherwise. Time seems to stand still.

 

 

Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible but not because of lack of sleep but because your body is yelling “what’s the point”. If you do manage to get out of bed you typically find your morning thoughts to be of your ex. The thoughts begin to come slowly at first then they hit you all at once like a fist to the gut. Where do they come from? How do you make them stop? What are they doing? What are they thinking? Do they miss me? Are the coming back? What did this happen? Do they still love me? Do they see a chance down the road for us to get back together? Are they ok? Should I call to make sure they are alright? There are millions of questions you don’t have answers to and the assumptions start to kick in after days of silence. When one starts to assume, you make terrible, regrettable mistakes. When the simple trust could be that they just fell out of love with you yet you assume it was because of something you did or didn’t do, you begin to panic. You start to believe if they left you because you did or said something or maybe had a small argument that you could possibly apologize and have them back in your arms in no time. A sense of peace may calm your nerves for a short while yet it is short lived when the harsh reality of being alone sinks in.

 

 

The idea of your ex knocking on your door and throwing themselves at you in a moment of uncontrolled love is idealistic but not viable. It may work in the movies but not in reality. The more you assume you ex will do something such as call, write, text, email or come over; the more you will be setting yourself up for disappointment in the end. Sure they might call, but when? Is there a time limit? Is there a common knowledge or proper protocol that ex’s MUST follow in order to appease their ex lover? I think not. The more you expect something if ANYTHING from you ex, the more you will be waiting for something that may never come to be. Just because you wait doesn’t mean it will come to you. For example, you might want be a CEO of a Fortune 400 company but if you do NOTHING to achieve your goal, what is the probability of it becoming a reality? We cannot predict what others will do, say or feel. The more we assume, the more we do not know the truth. The more we do not know the truth the more we panic. The more we panic the more mistakes we make when it comes to ended relationships.

 

 

The thought that someone else could come along and reap the benefits of our hard work can be devastating. All of our time, love and future plans together destroyed in seconds can get the best of us if we let it. How can they be doing this to us? The truth be told is that they didn’t do anything to you, they did it to themselves. Even if your partner cheated on you, they did it to themselves and you are collateral damage. The more you give your ex power, the more you will not be living your life. If you wait for your ex to “do” something such as contact you or ask you out, you will be in a holding pattern. You will jump when the phone rings or possibly stay home in case they drop by or get online to chat. Why would you want to put your life on hold for someone that just walked out on you? If someone left you why on earth would you wait and see what happens? It’s because we hold on to what once was and the way they WERE when they were with us. We hold on to the love that ONCE was. We hope and pray that they somehow change their minds and run into our arms once again. Sure this happens in the movies and on rare occasions it does happen in reality but not without time and more importantly change.

 

 

How do we change? Why should we change? Do people really change in order to be loved by another? I guess it really depends on the logic behind the word change. If you assume that someone will love you just because you do this or look a certain way or believe this or that, how is this any part of love? To give up your own self-respect in order to be loved by another with conditions, is absurd. Love is patient, love is kind I say. I often use the phrase “See me , love me or F- off” All I mean by this harsh use of the English language is that I don’t have time to settle for those that refuse to give me the love and respect I deserve. I have found that in my 38 years that there are those that enjoy the power that you give them in order to manipulate. When someone knows for a fact that you will “always be there” how can they miss you? How can someone miss what is always there? The mystery is gone. It would be like running downstairs Christmas morning to find EVERY PRESENT unwrapped. Sure they are gifts but the excitement is the guessing or mystery of what it is. Relationships are NOT GAMES. There are so many that believe “If I DO this…they they will DO this.” If you “change” who you are and show them you have changed, you might expect them to love you because you DID what they asked you to do. I disagree with this 100%. I believe in compromise. Now in all honesty, years ago I was a marionette in my ex’s hand. She could say or do anything and I would not want to upset her. How foolish of me looking back but I learn from it in a HARSH way.

 

 

People love you because of the way they feel when they are with you. If you present yourself in the beginning of the relationship of something you aren’t then they are going to expect the person you’re not all the time. When we begin to date, we are on our best behavior. We tend to over-do it a little. The phone calls, the up until 2am conversations, the walks, the hand holding and the “Whatever you want is fine” line. As time passes and the chase is over, the need to impress is not longer a factor at least maybe in your eyes. Since I am writing this from a male point of view you can understand that men get lazy. I am not afraid to say it because I have been guilty of this myself in years past. When this happens, the masks as I call them come off. You show your true self. You present yourself as YOU rather than the person you wanted them to think you were. This is NOT always the case. There are times when people are who they are. How do you know the difference? Actions speak louder than words.

 

 

There are some out there in the world today that believe their ex owes them something after a break. I am not referring to money (this time). They have this false idea that just because they spent their time, love, affection and respect for someone that they magically assume that they are owed. What exactly they think they deserve is beyond me. For those foolish enough to think an ex owes you anything (unless we are talking money) you are only fooling yourself. If you worked in a company for 10 years and you were fired because you lacked on your performance for the past 2 years, does the company ask you what they owe you? Do they ask you what it is you need in because of tenure? I think not. Why would someone owe you? If you have this sense of entitlement, you’re not being loving you are looking for someone to respect you that has just rejected you. I suggest you get off your power trip because the person you want to respect you just walked out on you. That is a harsh reality to face but you can’t get blood from a turnip either.

 

 

After a break, you tend to badger your friends over and over. We have all been there. We ask our friends rhetorical questions and expect answers. We tend to say the same thing over and over yet we are mostly presented with this answer: “If it was mean to be..” What kind of answer is that? That isn’t an answer; it’s an open ended comment. Of course if it was meant to be it will be! It’s not that it doesn’t fit in this particular situation, it’s that it is over used and cliché’. When someone leaves you, there is a reason or reasons they did. You cannot fix THEIR problems or why they walked out on you. If you have the notion that you should “be there for them” you are only waiting to wait. Heaven forbid if you turn it around and look at it from a natural point of view and ask “Would they be there for me?” If you hesitate for two seconds, the answer is maybe. Who wants a maybe? I want a yes. I am the type of guy that loves a guarantee. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM. They have to do this themselves. If you expect them to do it for you, you AGAIN are fooling yourself. In order for someone to change, they have to WANT to change without the pressure of “Change or I will abandon you.” Natural occurring change happens over time, not day; not weeks. People do not change despite what they tell you. They change naturally because they see what it is they need to improve about themselves, NOT because you told them to. If you allow someone back in your life that says they have changed, looks like they have changed but hasn’t…you will be right back where you started soon enough. Don’t give people credit until they earn it.

 

 

The more you use the word ‘they’, ‘she’ or ‘he’ the more you are pushing your thoughts and actions towards what it is your EX needs, wants and desires. In reality, you are putting your needs aside in hopes of winning someone back. When did you start considering your ex a prize? When did you STOP considering yourself a prize? If you feel gifts or rings are a way of winning someone back, again you are only fooling yourself. In panic mode, we believe we have to DO something in order to stop them from NOT loving us. For some odd reason we believe their love is like an hourglass full of sand that keeps slowly dwindling over time. If we don’t stop it, their love for us will be over never to be seen again. Let me be honest with you…WRONG! WRONG!! This is your heart thinking. It is not intended to think. It’s to live and love. Your brain is meant to reason and think. USE IT! True love never dies but it can change rolls. You cannot stop the process of love changing rolls but you CAN CHANGE MAKING FOOLISH MISTAKES. Take time to let go of the panic. If it sets in again, do NOTHING. If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong. There is nothing worse than hearing from an ex about how much of a jerk you are when you are at home wishing desperately that they would come back. If you make mistakes, it’s fine but remember, the MORE mistakes you make, the worse you will feel. Also remember more mistakes means pushing your ex further and further away. Why justify your ex for breaking up with you? Don’t do it. You have been warned.

 

 

Despite our greatest effort, despite our love for our past, despite our want to reconcile, we have to realize that it’s not just up to us. It takes two WILL partners to make it work. Use your head and think about what it is you truly want and need. You are not foolish. You are someone that deserves to be loved despite ONE PERSON not loving the way you planned. Take that nonsense away and learn that you need to learn to respect yourself before you expect it from others. If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you expect others to? If they walk away, they take the respect and love with them leaving you empty and wanting it back. Try to cope with feelings you may be experiencing right now. I know it’s difficult. I have been there. I know exactly what it is you might be going through but it does get better if you WANT it to. You have to decide to wait around for something they may never happen or take the chance. No one is to blame but you if you wait and nothing comes of it. I chose to move forward. I use the attitude of “If you want me bad enough you will follow me.” I have never looked back and nor will I. I choose to live my life the way I see fit. I make my own decisions. I make my own choices and know that in the long run I never settled for anything less. I hope you can find the courage and strength within yourself to take my words and push yourself forward. There is greatness inside you that cannot be stopped. Just because someone walked out of your life doesn’t mean someone greater won’t walk in. Let go of the anger, the sadness and hurt. Give it to God or your higher power. Learn that all things happen for a reason.

 

 

 

If it was meant to be….then MAKE IT BE BECAUSE YOU MADE YOU BE.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

Edited by SuperDave71
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 60
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Nice, very nice. Opened my eyes that I come first and I need to live my life.

And if she wants me back even if she's confused and maybe scared of hurting me again, I can't do nothing to convince her to come back. If she's not strong enough to make that step then it's set for failure again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If someone is scared of hurting you again, it speaks to a lack of change on their part. One needs to walk into reconciliation with eyes wide open, an awareness of previous behaviours that caused issues, and enhanced communication skills. Not worried about causing more damage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reconciliation absolutely does happen. What rarely happens is the timing and effort from both willing parties to do what they can to make the relationship work.

 

It may be harsh but getting back together does happen. As I have always said... Falling in love is the easy part, keeping and appreciating the love you have is the difficult part.

 

 

Think about it.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

Link to post
Share on other sites

Great post SuperDave - so very true as well! Both parties need to be pulling in the same direction, if it's just one doing all the work then it wasn't meant to be. I myself am on the journey of better myself, what is my ex up to? Who cares at this moment, I'm only focusing on myself as I can't change anybody else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Reconciliation absolutely does happen. What rarely happens is the timing and effort from both willing parties to do what they can to make the relationship work.

 

It may be harsh but getting back together does happen. As I have always said... Falling in love is the easy part, keeping and appreciating the love you have is the difficult part.

 

 

Think about it.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

You are so right -- I am living proof. And it is because we were both aware and willing to put in the effort. The patience, the compassion and the outright appreciation for what we could have lost has brought this relationship to a new level and it exists with a different dynamic. There is no taking for granted, no "he said/she said" --- there is an easy acceptance of what our love is and where it is going.

 

And, on a final note -- it is awesome falling in love with the same guy....again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My question is, when do you become aware of a potential reconciliation?

A lot of posts (and the advice that I got on mine and that I'm following) say for the dumpee to let the dumper make the first move and show they are willing to consider reconciliation. Is it only then that you start working together?

I respect her decision of breaking-up, so I know I have no hard feelings anymore (actually never really had any). But I also don't want her to have regrets of what she's done.

Link to post
Share on other sites

ONCT,

 

Sadly there is no such formula for success. One of the hardest parts of getting through a break is understanding that you can do nothing to convince someone to want to come back. When a break is new (up to 3 months) the wound needs time to heal. You try to convince yourself that you can and will change in order to be loved (taken back) but typically this is very short lived despite your greatest intent of changing.

 

In order to start the healing process, you must let go (for now) of your ex and let them do what is best for them. You have never been in control of them but in retrospect, nor have them had control over you UNLESS YOU ALLOWED THEM TO. To give someone power is to not believe in one's self. To give up on you means putting your self-worth in someone else's hands. The word is SELF-worth, not THEIR worth.

 

 

Take control of you. You and in 100% control over your own thoughts, feelings and actions. Understand that just because you want them back doesn't mean they WANT to come back.

 

 

Think about it.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

Link to post
Share on other sites

SuperDave,

My ex left me after 3.5 years for someone else. Not even two months after our breakup they went to the justice of the peace and got married. This was about 2 weeks ago and I am still in shock over the initial breakup. She met him a couple of weeks before she broke up with me. So they haven't even known each other 3 months. How do I deal with this? I haven't slept in ages.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...