Is love really pain?

[Snake90]

My partner and I have been together for just over two years now and I'm starting to seriously reassess where my future and our future together is going. *

I'm almost 22 and he is 30. *

The age gap has never been an issue as he doesn't act his age. Which may be part of the problem...

* As I said I'm 22 but I believe I am fairly mature and have a drive to succeed in life. I am almost about to graduate from university and start my professional career, and I feel as though my relationship with him could potentially interfere with my goals. *

In my past and my partners past (together and separately) we have struggled with addiction to both tobacco and pot. We stopped smoking tobacco over a year ago and only very recently stopped smoking marijuana, but I have concerns about his drive to stay 'clean' as it were. I am at a point where I can no longer take drugs as I realize it's effects on my mental health, leading me to become depressed and unmotivated, although this has yet to seriously effect me reaching my goals. *

My partner has smoked pot since his mid to late teens and for me only the last couple of years habitually. My concern is that the only reason that he has stopped is to keep the peace in our relationship, as has happened before, and that eventually, due to ties with his friends who still smoke pot, it will re-enter our lives. When we are addicted I feel trapped by my addiction and become unmotivated to live in a positive way or be able to really view our relationship in a clear headed manner. *

He states that he is making the changes for me as he is loves me deeply and I believe he does, but this * concerns me as I feel I have already tried to change significant aspects of his life already by trying to detox, break other bad lifestyle habits, begin to get ahead on payments of a sizeable amount of debt and push him to be more career minded. *

A big concern of mine is that I have already made a fatal flaw in trying to change him so much and that these changes haven't stemmed from any desire from within himself to change, as when we met he was quite settled in his lifestyle (although in hindsight he does express feeling less happy then he does now). I have expressed these concerns with him and he says that he just wants to be with me and will do whatever it takes... *

However, during all of our detoxing attempts from both substances it has been me who has always been the one to push us back on the wagon, even when he could clearly see how I was affected by it and expressed my need for him to take leadership in quitting.

I'm not saying that I have no part in making my choices about drugs but I just feel as though the hard work of committing to, executing and maintaining sobriety has always been on me, and no positive input into the relationship and our lifestyles has been contributed by him, despite his much needed love and support throughout our relationship and in dextoxing.

I'm now at a point where I am sober, feeling clear headed and with a positive outlook about the future and about myself, which has taken awhile to get back to. The only time I have felt this good is before my grandmother passed away almost 4yrs ago which affected me significantly and during our last sober stretch together, which probably lasted * about four months. *

In the beginning of our relationship I had just exited a fairly tumultuous relationship, dated a couple of people who seemed to be positive influences and then met my current partner. The first night we met I went to his house where we smoked pot, and have pretty much not been apart since, making me think that it may have been rushed, poorly thought out and centered around our/my addiction.

Lately, I have become increasing concerned about where we are headed and obviously at trying to stay sober. I spend most of my day wondering what life would be like with another more like-minded person and if I will ever feel completely devoted/in awe of the person I'm in a relationship with again.

Writing this has been therapeutic in itself but i am hoping for some feedback/advice about what people think about my situation. *

Any help will be greatly appreciated and I am willing to answer any questions that are posted.

Cheers. *

[nutbrownhare]

If you haven't done so already, look up internet resources on 'codependency' - if being in love means being in pain then something's gone off kilter.

 

Many teenagers experiment with drugs, as you have done, and then grow out of it. Your partner has obviously not, and if he's ever going to - it's a decision he would be making on his own, with no input from you or anyone else. You can't change another person, and he doesn't seem to be prepared to change the circle of friends who, as you quite rightly assess, will draw him back into that lifestyle.

 

While you were in your late teens and very early 20's, it sounds as though you were on the same wavelength. You are moving on, and he probably won't. You have a choice - either you can get on with your own life and fulfil your potential as a young graduate, but without him - or you can stay stuck with someone who has no ambition other than to keep on using pot and stay with someone who enables that lifestyle.

 

If you opt to stick with him at the expense of your own life, you will become increasingly resentful at best, and at worst will develop a more deeply entrenched drug habit yourself. Even if you don't, the long term prospects for your relationship are bleak. An addict who changes a habit because of someone else is very likely to resume their habit because of the same person, often with considerable resentment. You are very unlikely to feel completely devoted to or respect someone with as little motivation as your partner, as you mature and take on more adult responsibilities. He is functioning at the emotional level of a teenager. While you were a teenager, this was appropriate for you in that it's something you will grow out of and is part of the maturation process.

 

He is stuck, and likely to remain so. You really need to ask yourself if you want to stay stuck with him.

[Stay_home]

Sometimes when it comes to making a change for the better in your life, you have to learn to let go of things that could possibly hold you back. I don't see any likely change with this man that would indicate he's seeking the same road as you. And so for that, I think that eventually you may have to let him go and trust within yourself that you can move on. To me it sounds as if you've already begun that journey and you should continue to. Good luck.

[sidehop]

He states that he is making the changes for me as he is loves me deeply and I believe he does, but this concerns me as I feel I have already tried to change significant aspects of his life already by trying to detox, break other bad lifestyle habits, begin to get ahead on payments of a sizeable amount of debt and push him to be more career minded.

 

He shouldn't change for you nor should you try to change him. If he's not motivated enough to change his habits that's affecting his life and the relationship then chances are he will not change for you either.

 

I'm now at a point where I am sober, feeling clear headed and with a positive outlook about the future and about myself, which has taken awhile to get back to. The only time I have felt this good is before my grandmother passed away almost 4yrs ago which affected me significantly and during our last sober stretch together, which probably lasted about four months.

 

That's great that you're feeling positive but you need to ask yourself do you truly see yourself marrying and having children with him; if not at least have a long-term relationshiop 10~15 years from now? I'm sure your grandmothers is looking from above and is proud of you but what about him? How do you think she'll see him?

 

Take care of yourself first then others later. Life is too short to worry or ponder the what if's.