Help! Do I like a player? Second time round, hot and cold... again :(

[ponyo86]

I think I like a player. Well a few months ago, he initially chased me and chased me and took me out for dinner and kissed my forehead and talked about the future. I had been through a bit of a tough long term break up, and I have known him (but not closely) for 5 or 6 years now. I know he is VERY popular, especially with the ladies, but one night he said to me (after I refused to go on a date with him), that because he has known me for so long to 'play' me would be a dog act. He was also very very sweet, and I think he was pretty genuine.

 

So I gave it a go. He was very cute and sweet, took me out and never pushed for sex. This lasted about 2 weeks. Then one night I freaked out a bit, my 'wall' came down and I voiced some insecurities about getting used to someone else and that I didn't feel like I was as funny as him etc. Kind of just went a bit vulnerable.

 

And he ran. He got really weird and backed off heaps. A few days later we had wine at his place and ended up sleeping together. Massive mistake as it was even more awkward and then kind of just fizzled, like he lost all interest.

 

Now 4 months later he is back again out of the blue, but not as strong as before. We hung out, he bought me lunch one day, then we hung out again on the weekend. He kissed me on sunday, sort of took me by surprise, but nothing was said about what happened last time. I was too scared to bring it up cos I was having fun with him. Plus he is really hard to talk to like that. After I left he texted me to say 'thanks for the kiss' (but not in those exact words). But now I haven't heard from him since (3 days), except last night when I initiated contact, and it was pretty casual, non-eventful conversation. He is going away tomorrow for a week, I thought I might hear from him tonight, but nothing!

 

Why would he come back on the scene like that, out of the blue? Then kiss me, be very attentive, fall all over me, then nothing. I just dont understand. Now I feel angry for making myself vulnerable again, and I feel like a fool and like I am getting played. The main thing is that he did it once now is cold again, and he seems to be pretty hot and cold. I wish I didnt have feelings for him but I do and saying 'kick him to the curb' is not helping. He also has these hot girls moving into his place (I saw on FB).

 

Am i just wasting my time here? I feel like I'm trying to be honest and self controlled ie. not sleeping with him or being needy so as to slide into the 'booty call' category, but I hate that I feel so stupid right now! Should I text him before he leaves? I just want to know what he's thinking!!?

 

Should I text him before he goes away?

[Generation]

From the sounds of it, he doesn't seem to be the relationship or commitment type, he sounds like a player. I'm not saying that he is though - I don't know. But he's like 25 right? That's still around the time that guys just wanna around.

Feel free to give him a text if you want. A friendly have a safe trip, or something.

You might be wasting your time, once again - I don't know. But I'm leaning more towards this.

I'd say try and move on, if you can.

[ponyo86]

I'm 25, he's 28. He doesnt exactly have a history of long term relationships.

[offplanet]

Someone who goes hot and cold on you like that isn't a very good prospect for happiness and security in a relationship. I would not want to get involved with someone like that. What would be the point?

[ponyo86]

yeah exactly. But I can't help if I like him. Now I'm just moving on. I text him this morning saying 'hey have a good tim etc' and pretty much wrote back 'don't worry I will'. I was so angry so replied 'oh I wasn't worried why did you kiss me did my head in' and he didn't write back. Whatever. I'm just so angry at myself.

 

Doesn't the saying go 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...'

 

Honestly why did I even think anything had changed.

[chr8st8na]

ponyo, been there and done that. this guy just wants you for one thing and that's for entertainment. maybe... just MAYBE his intentions were good in the beginning. Maybe he really did want to care and maybe he really didn't want to play with you like all the others BUT really, all that matter are his actions. actions speak louder than words and you have to go by that and not by words. I know you want confirmation but you need to put yourself out of the situation and look at it from the view of an outsider. that's how i got over the guy that I truly believe in my heart was the one for me. It's so hard when you feel like you found the one and they mistreat you regularly by saying one thing yet doing the total opposite and you know that they are not a bad person, they are just bad to you (of all people). Do not believe that he never did anything to you that was so bad. The point is, that he is using you for his own interests and not considering yours at all- that is as bad as it gets. So my advice, try looking at it from an outsider and realize that things like this, you just have to put on your granny panties and walk away instead of crying for their attention.

[Mesemene]

You know this guy. You've known him for a while.

 

So take a step back, out of yourself. Look at this from outside, and pretend "pony" is your best friend. She's telling you about how this guy is acting.

 

What is your immediate, gut reaction after you take "you" out of the equation, just looking at his behavior and knowing his past?

 

Protect yourself, and go with what your instinct is TRYING to tell you. That part of you that likes you is bargaining with you - telling you "but maybe it's different... he's been a gentleman with me..." and maybe it is. Maybe that's why he didn't push for anything physical, maybe his intentions were to avoid the complications... maybe, maybe, maybe... he didn't tell you outright that he wasn't going to be interested in a relationship at all though.

 

So sure. He may have been a little different. He may have intended to treat you better. All the intentions in the world don't make him want a relationship with anyone though. So while I'm not saying "kick him to the curb" I AM saying walk away. No, it's not easy. But the hot/cold isn't a relationship, it's a rollercoaster of emotion that will surely drive you nuts, wear on your nerves, and fray your temper with your friends, family, and with yourself.

 

Love yourself a little. It's just a bad situation for you - protect yourself just like you would a friend crying on your shoulder.