Ladies: how do you feel about not being first priority

[gluestick]

Have you ever dated someone where you find yourself being the giver and your SO the taker? You end up giving 100% to the relationship and they end up taking 100%. Eventually the resentment starts to build so much that even when they play catch up, it's too late. The relationship has been unbalanced from the start and the seeds of resentment deeply planted.

 

I realized that's the way it was in my 4 year relationship with my ex. The rose-colored glasses are starting to come off. I compromised WAY too much during the first year of our relationship. I always came second to his family. It got to the point where he could only spare 2-3 hours per week for me, even though he LIVED with his family and wasn't working at that time. How can someone who spends Monday - Friday with his family still need to hang out with them Saturday and Sunday? Regardless, I loved him and put up with it. Eventually after a year of dating, I told him he needed to prioritize our relationship. He did, although his family would ALWAYS come first. He spent the next 3 years of our relationship playing catch up. Inevitably I couldn't forgive or let go of all the resentment that has built up from year 1 and that was my biggest problem.

 

I know a lot of people would argue that a girlfriend should never come before family, especially being not married yet. That may be true, but I personally feel that in order to build a healthy relationship, both have to be on the same page and the relationship has to be first priority. That doesn't mean family, friends, hobbies, etc. should be neglected. No matter what, a man should always make him woman feel she is his first priority.

 

Bottom line is, ladies, would you continue dating/marry someone who never puts you first? I thank my ex for helping me realize this is not something I want in my life partner.

 

Opinions, thoughts, debate are welcomed!

[Capricorn3]

Wow, your experience was definitely on the extreme end of the scale. I'm amazed you lasted 4 years. Be glad he's an EX.

 

Compromise is always a good idea - 50/50. When one gives 100% and the other takes all 100%, that will never work.

[ToF]

I personally feel that in order to build a healthy relationship, both have to be on the same page and the relationship has to be first priority. ... Bottom line is, ladies, would you continue dating/marry someone who does not place you or your relationship first?

 

I do believe that both people need to be on the same page, regarding priorities. That said, I do not believe that a relationship should consistently be either partner's first priority. To me, my education and career goals come first, with family sharing first place. That's consistent for me. Now, the other things in my life, such as my boyfriend, my friends, etc ... Those will change positions as needed. Sometimes my relationship will feel more important than anything else, but I would never, ever drop my education or career for my relationship. Nor would I forsake my family.

 

If I were married, I would be willing to compromise things like location for the sake of the marriage, but I would not compromise something I've worked so hard for. And as for family, I would never, ever put my partner before them or their well-being. They are blood, and to me that trumps boyfriend any day.

 

Long story short, my relationship is very important to me ... But there are other things that are more important. That doesn't mean I ignore my relationship, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I will place other things before it if necesarry.

[Lithp]

In the relationship I'm in now, it was like that at the beginning. I was always coming after his family, which I completely understood, but also after his friends. He would tell me he loved me, how important I was to him, but he would spend maybe a couple hours with me per week, while he spent the rest of the time getting high with his friends. We ended up breaking up, he dealt with his issues, and things are great now.

 

I don't necessarily expect to be made his first priority, but I expect to at least be treated equally with everyone else in his life - that is all I ask of him. We're in a relationship, but it's not the be all end all and I don't think I deserve some kind of special treatment because I'm his girlfriend. Yes we do love each other but we're by far not the only things in each other's lives. I just want to know that I am being given the same respect and courtesy that he shows everyone else as far as making time and keeping plans goes.

[gluestick]

Wow, your experience was definitely on the extreme end of the scale. I'm amazed you lasted 4 years. Be glad he's an EX.

 

Yeah that was the first year of our relationship. It was horrible and I was so stressed from working 90+ hrs/week, we would fight all the time whenever I feel he wasn't making an effort to see me. It definitely got better the next 3 years, but still wasn't what I expected. I felt I was dating him and his family at the exact same time. I loved him so I eventually just accepted that if I want to hang out with him, I have to see hang out with his family too.

[ToF]

It sounds like this did help you learn what's important to you in a relationship. Unfortunately, most of us have to learn that the hard way or else it doesn't stick. I'm sure that was a difficult experience for you.

[Hollyj]

No! I would not! Remember, we teach people how to treat us.

[Generation]

Eventually after a year of dating, I told him he needed to prioritize our relationship. He did, although his family would ALWAYS come first. He spent the next 3 years of our relationship playing catch up. Inevitably I couldn't forgive or let go of all the resentment that has built up from year 1 and that was my biggest problem.

 

This is really bugging me. I think you hold on to resentment too much.

 

It's usually like this...

The first year of dating is usually not a very serious year, you're getting used to each other's company and getting to know each other. By 'serious' I mean you haven't planned on marrying or moving in yet, usually.

Also, he was three years younger, and three years less experienced. The fact that he still lives with family hints that you guys are probably young too.

He spent the next three years playing catch up? Three years is a long time, but you still put more emphasis for the first year and still resenting him from that far back? It could be that his affection for you in the first year wasn't as strong as it is in the later years. Love usually grows. That's common, as you get to know someone more and for a longer period of time, you love them more, generally speaking.

I feel as if you're attacking him a lot for being noble to his family.

 

 

I think you should re-model your way of thinking. You're saying you must be a top priority. First of all, what does that mean?

For a lot of people, they don't have ONE top priority, but many priorities, some more important than others and rightfully so.

I'll be honest, I think you're being uncompromisingly selfish and hold a grudge for too long, at least from what I've read so far.

 

I'll give you an example. A father's top priorities are his children, nothing in the world matters more than the fact that they can live well off and not in poverty. He works all day and all night, but his children might think he prioritizes work above them and begins to resent him. But it's the other way around because he's doing it for them. There's no other way around it though, he must work and hard, and he's doing it for them.

[Generation]

Yeah that was the first year of our relationship. It was horrible and I was so stressed from working 90+ hrs/week, we would fight all the time whenever I feel he wasn't making an effort to see me.

 

Must've been tough on him too.

 

Think about it, there are only 168 hours in a week (7 x 24).

168 - 90 = 78 hours

Don't forget, you need sleep as well. Let's say you got 4 hours of sleep each day.

78 - (4 x 7) = 50

Don't forget the time it takes for you to get up, get ready, travel. Let's say that was an hour, both ways, so 2 hours each day.

50 - (2 x 7) = 36

 

In a given week, he has an open window of 36 hours of your free time to come and see you, and he has to abide by those hours and the time of your day to see you. Now, we haven't even taken a look at his daily schedule yet, but I'm willing to bet it wasn't in his best interest to come and see you, especially if he had work or school or another priority that he must attend to before he made you a top priority.

[Contrail]

I agree with most of the previous posts that it is relative to your situation and where you're at in life.

 

When I began my relationship with my GF, I had just started on job training in a career that literally consumes every aspect of your life. I had spent almost 100k in student loans to get where I was, and I wasnt about to throw away my education and a very lucrative career for a fledgling relationship. While there were times that I certainly should have spent more time with her, our lives in the future have the potential to be amazing due to the opportunities my career has opened up for us.

 

Like Generation said above, I also think you're holding on to things for to long, especially if he's made a credible attempt to make up for it. But then again, I have the same issue, I cant let things go either.

[gluestick]

He's not 3 years younger. He's a year older than I am. I agree that holding onto resentment was one of my biggest problems in the relationship. It is something I have to work on.

 

I just wanted to feel like we're dating each other and not me going on "dates" with him and his family. It's great that he's responsible and attentive to his family, but if it means the only way for me to hang out with my boyfriend is by hanging out with his family ALL THE TIME, I think there is something wrong with this picture. Anyway, I need to work on letting thing go.

[petite]

You are better without him! 2-3 hours a week is a friendship, not a relationship. I wouldn't accept that.

 

My family is extremely important to me but my fiance is just as important. He doesn't come secondary to them or vice versa. There are times when they need more attention and there are times when he does, I wouldn't ever think of him as #2 just because we aren't blood related, that's ridiculous.

[Generation]

He's not 3 years younger. He's a year older than I am. I agree that holding onto resentment was one of my biggest problems in the relationship. It is something I have to work on.

 

I just wanted to feel like we're dating each other and not me going on "dates" with him and his family. It's great that he's responsible and attentive to his family, but if it means the only way for me to hang out with my boyfriend is by hanging out with his family ALL THE TIME, I think there is something wrong with this picture. Anyway, I need to work on letting thing go.

 

I meant he was 3 years younger 3 years ago. Sorry for that confusion. I was basically trying to say he was 3 years less wise.

 

So, what are your dates like? Does he bring his sister along or something?

[gluestick]

please delete this double post.

[gluestick]

You are better without him! 2-3 hours a week is a friendship, not a relationship. I wouldn't accept that.

 

My family is extremely important to me but my fiance is just as important. He doesn't come secondary to them or vice versa. There are times when they need more attention and there are times when he does, I wouldn't ever think of him as #2 just because we aren't blood related, that's ridiculous.

 

I'm so glad you share the same opinion! I was beginning to feel like I was selfish for wanting to spend more than 2 hours per week with my boyfriend. Sometimes family needs more attention, sometimes the boyfriend needs more attention but they should be, and more important FEEL equally important in your life.

 

To answer your question Gen, yes, he brings his mom to our valentines day celebration because he feels bad for leaving her home alone. I would say approximately every other meal would be eaten with his family. He likes to hit two birds with one stone and it's easier to just bring me along so he can hang out with his family all the time. Come to think of it, I'm glad he broke up with me...

[Tanzi]

Two to three hours a week isn't really enough to build a serious relationship upon. Did this change after the first year?

 

What baffles me here is the reference to him "hanging out" with his family. You don't really "hang out" with family do you?. You spend time with them because you live with them or you go visit them on a regular basis but do you really "hang out" with family as a whole. I can understand if, for example, he is close to a brother he might want to "hang out" with him outside of the home but when you live with them how is staying at home with them "hanging out"? To me that equates to "I would rather stay in than see you tonight". Or perhaps I've misunderstood something.

[gluestick]

2 to 3 hours a week alone time in the first year changed to spending time with his family most of the time in the following 3 years.

 

You're right, it's not so much "hanging out" as just spending time with them. That's all we ever did. We watched movies with his family, go shopping with his family, eat together, vacation together, run errands together. Our alone time and date nights were few and far between.

[Tanzi]

2 to 3 hours a week alone time in the first year changed to spending time with his family most of the time in the following 3 years.

 

You're right, it's not so much "hanging out" as just spending time with them. That's all we ever did. We watched movies with his family, go shopping with his family, eat together, vacation together, run errands together. Our alone time and date nights were few and far between.

 

That seems a little odd to me but then I guess it could depend on how old you are. So in 4 years you barely have had time alone?

[Mesemene]

In an evolving relationship, my expectations would be:

 

Initial stage - when he sets aside time to see me, he follows through, and when we're together, it's about us and getting to know each other. As long as I'm on the same level as his other "downtime" dates, we're good.

 

Second/Middle stage - he figures out with me time to spend together, while still giving time to friends. Main priority that comes before me - his children, or if a parent/sibling needs something (family emergency). Since we're feeling our way to the potential for a permanent relationship, I expect to be up there with his other priorities and shown consideration as such.

 

Marriage - Our family unit, with or without kids, is the priority, with time for friends and family - but those only actively pushing out our time if it's urgent. If we're close, hanging out with family is fine - but some of our family time should be our little family unit.

 

2-3 hours a week is fine for a few initial weeks of dating - but it's not much to really build a relationship around, IMO.

To answer your question Gen, yes, he brings his mom to our valentines day celebration because he feels bad for leaving her home alone.

 

And yep, that one would bother me. While I'd be touched by his concern over mom - I'd also be a bit miffed if he was regularly bringing family into dates that should be for a party of 2. There are things he can do for mom that don't involve bringing her to a v-day dinner - as a mom, I'd be frankly horrified if either of my kids wanted me on their dates on that day, even if I was alone!

[gluestick]

Great post Mesemene. You've broken down your expectations of the different stages of a relationship so well. You clearly know what you want in a relationship.

 

I think my ex and I are just not a good match in terms of our priorities and expectations. As this was my first serious relationship, I guess I had no idea realistically what I really want, what I'm willing to compromise, and what I expect in my partner.

 

I think our family situations are too different and we model our behavior and beliefs based on what we see in our parents relationship. While I love my family, they aren't always around physically. As a result of this, I've learned to be more independent, be on my own, and also have more leeway to spend my time otherwise. My parents have been married for 30 years and are inseparable to this day. They take care and fulfill each other in different ways and enjoy spending time together.

 

His family, on the other hand, all live within close proximity and are as close as you can get. His parents are married, but the father has been living/working overseas for the past 10 years and has been cheating on the wife. They have the "perfect family" image, but are quite dysfunctional and broken in reality. His mother suffered from years of depression and makes her children her life and is very high maintenance. I understand the burden and the responsibility his father passed onto him by running away, but I don't want the same burden and responsibility for the rest of my life. I know that makes me sound extremely selfish, but it's not a life I want especially if we are only dating and not married.