Getting over him

[CarnelianButterfly]

I have been talking with a guy in Seattle (I'm in the midwest) for a little over 2 years now. We "met" through Facebook, started chatting and found a mutual interest in each other. During this time, I have dated and had a serious boyfriend and he has had a girlfriend. We exchanged photos, spent hours texting and have even weathered some nasty arguments, but I am way too shy to talk on the phone. He asked me to call on his birthday, which I did and left a voice mail, but otherwise its too close for me to talk to him.

 

I am very very uneasy about this whole situation. I hate to admit how attached I am to him. He is 2000 miles away, has a girlfriend and it drives me crazy.

 

I am so drawn to talking to him because he understands me. I don't have to worry about being too depressive or discussing my darkest issues. He doesn't balk at my history with cutting or being suicidal. He gives me advice that helps strengthen me and move forward.

 

Our only issues are when I date someone he doesn't approve of. We spent a 4-5 month period not talking because he was very much against me dating my ex. This is the ex that turned out to be abusive and horrible to me. I look back at what I was being told by him and know I was an idiot and he was calling me on it.

 

He's been a good friend, but its the things beyond that friendship that makes it hard on me. He's had a nickname for me for a long time, if he doesn't call me by that name he calls me "Lovely" or "Love". He has told me a few times that he loves me. He left a voice mail for me that he said he was grateful to have me in his life and he thought I was a special person.

 

But he will also tell me that he will always be my friend, he'll be my friend to the day he dies. Being told that makes it clear he's just a friend. It really hurts me to be pulled back and forth between him saying "love you" to being told we'll always be friends.

 

I need to stop this insanity and let go. I see the if, but I need to see the reality. I have decided No Contact. I haven't unfriended him from Facebook, but I deleted him from my feed. I'm working very hard not to text him. I had been texting daily, so its hard not to want to tell him about one thing or another.

 

I know I need to be firm in my resolution because it will be better for me in the long run not to have this pain in my heart.

[annie24]

I totally understand!! I've been in your shoes before, and it hurts soooooooo much! i'm sorry. i think you are doing the right thing - it will help. if that doesn't do it, you might have to unfriend him.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I totally understand!! I've been in your shoes before, and it hurts soooooooo much! i'm sorry. i think you are doing the right thing - it will help. if that doesn't do it, you might have to unfriend him.

I know unfriending him will the final step, but I'm not ready to completely remove him. I hope that in time I won't feel so attached and then I will be able to take that step.

[annie24]

I know unfriending him will the final step, but I'm not ready to completely remove him. I hope that in time I won't feel so attached and then I will be able to take that step.

 

I know. Hopefully this will be enough to help you get unattached.

[blueidealist24]

I agree about the no contact.. if one or both of you are too shy to talk on the phone then I don't see much future for this relationship..

[SilverFactory]

Carnelian, I am a bit confused by your post. Do you like him as more than a friend but he likes you only as a friend?

 

When he says "I love you" he may very well mean 'love you as a friend'. So you should not read too much into it. If this 'friendship' bothers you so much and gives you heart-ache then you should just walk away from it.

 

I don't think you need to be outright and tell him that you are cutting him off from your life... you can just kinda 'disappear'.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Carnelian, I am a bit confused by your post. Do you like him as more than a friend but he likes you only as a friend?

 

When he says "I love you" he may very well mean 'love you as a friend'. So you should not read too much into it. If this 'friendship' bothers you so much and gives you heart-ache then you should just walk away from it.

 

I don't think you need to be outright and tell him that you are cutting him off from your life... you can just kinda 'disappear'.

I don't know if he likes me as more than a friend or not. He's made sexual comments, things that are not joking, but very pointed about his desire, like wanting to know what under wear I had on or asking for pictures of said under wear. He's told me of fantasizing about me, he wrote a short story because of me, he can be very intense.

 

I wish it was only him saying "I love you" like a friend, but with all the other non-friend like comments, it doesn't make it easy to see it only as a friendly comment.

 

I've tried to break it off before and failed. I don't know how to keep to no contact, there are so many times I see something or make something and know he'd appreciate it and want to share. I know I'm lonely, I miss having someone to share those things I find special.

 

I will disappear, put him at the end of my thousand mile arm, as he calls it.

[annie24]

you know, some guys you just connect with, but because he has a gf and lives so far away, a real relationship doesn't seem to be a viable option. i think that's just what you have to remind yourself.

 

and i think it's pretty skeezy if he's asking about your underwear when he has a gf.

[CarnelianButterfly]

you know, some guys you just connect with, but because he has a gf and lives so far away, a real relationship doesn't seem to be a viable option. i think that's just what you have to remind yourself.

 

and i think it's pretty skeezy if he's asking about your underwear when he has a gf.

I totally agree that its skeezy

 

I keep telling myself he has a girlfriend, he's 2000 miles away, and he's emotionally cheating on her what's to stop him from doing it to me.

 

Why can't I find someone like him in my city, with no girlfriend, and is looking for more than a friend?

[annie24]

you will. we will. it takes time. i can't wait to move and do online dating again!!

[SilverFactory]

Wow he has a gf?? Carnelian please ignore his 'sexy' comments. This guy has a gf and is probably just flirting with you. I have a feeling that he may know that you fancy him as more than a friend and is probably enjoying the attention.

 

This is not a healthy situation for you to be in. If you find it difficult to break it off now imagine how difficult it would be couple of years down the lane. Do not waste any more time pining over some one that already has a gf. If he really liked you YOU would be his gf, not some one else. Please walk away from this unhealthy situation....