Starting to have cold feet, thinking about postponing wedding

[Slyght]

Hi all, I used to come to these boards years and years ago when I was in the dating scene. Long story short, met a girl through a mutual friend, started dating, were in a relationship for 20 months, I proposed, and have now been engaged for about 5 months, and living together for 3 months.

 

Neither of us were really keen on planning a wedding. I've suggested many times that we just get eloped, and even got her and my parents' blessing to do so, but I think deep down she wants a wedding. We've been making decent progress on the wedding so far, but we still have a lot to do, and we're really not having much fun doing it.

 

On top of this, her job has been taking a pretty large toll on her. She's an attorney, which she's realized she doesn't like being, and on top of that she hates the firm she currently works for (she used to work at a different firm that she liked a lot more, but they let her go due to lack of cases/clients). She works long hours, and often comes home in a bad mood. She's looking for a new job, but we're worried a new firm might just be just as bad. I've suggested going into a different career path, but she doesn't know what to do with a law degree other than be an attorney, and doesn't really know what else she'd want to do.

 

All this stress/negativity has started to wear me down, and I'm starting to have cold feet about the wedding. I love her, and I hate to see her like this, but I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life coming home to an unhappy/stressed wife. My parents have told me we should postpone the wedding until she's sorted out her job, but I don't even know how to approach that conversation. I feel like this is just going to put her in an even worse mood and elevate her stress even more, and put even more stress/pressure on her to find a new job. Plus I don't want it to feel like an ultimatum between me and her career.

 

Has anybody been in a situation where you've wanted to postpone a wedding?

 

Edit - Also, I forgot to mention this, but we just found out that her brother is expecting his first kid (her first niece/nephew) the week before the wedding, which means her brother and sister-in-law could be in delivery during the wedding. This actually seems like it might be a legitimate reason to postpone the wedding, as well as an excuse to tell people.

[Teachergurl28]

"I love her, and I hate to see her like this, but I just don't know if I can spend the rest of my life coming home to an unhappy/stressed wife. "

From what you said in your post, it doesn't seem like she will always be "stressed/ unhappy". It is specifically due to her job. However, I think you two are due for an honest conversation about her job. Perhaps being an attorney really is not a job well- suited for her can't bear the burden of listening to her complaining ALL the time! Something has to change.

That said, she may just be really worried about the wedding (in addition to the job)! They can be INCREDIBLY stressful to plan, so you are not alone! My sister and my best friend were SOOO stressed all the time about the wedding and just wanted to the wedding to be over so they could start their marriage! There is so much pressure these days! They both, however, had beautiful weddings and no one could tell all the turmoil that they had endured in the weeks leading up to the wedding! So, it may be that you are both just enduring the normal stress that wedding-planning can bring in today's world.

 

I think though you need to have a very candid talk with your future wife. Just tell her that you are worried about her since she is stressed all the time. And also that you think the wedding planning may be making her even MORE stressed. I wouldn't bring up about her brother, because frankly, I think with her you have to begin building your foundation on honesty or you will have nothing.

 

If you both ultimately decide to postpone the wedding, what you tell your family doesn't really matter. What matters is you and your future wife and your REALATIONSHIP.

[Slyght]

I wouldn't try to mask my true intentions to her by using her sister-in-law's pregnancy as the reason I want to postpone the wedding, but it has been a legitimate concern for her.

 

- The sister-in-law wanted to help with some day-of coordination, we can't rely on her as much now

- There's a really good chance that the sister-in-law won't be able to make the wedding now, as well as her only sibling

- There's a good chance she could be in labor during the wedding, and we don't want people distracted by that, especially her parents

[Gracelove]

Hey there Slyght!

 

I'm sorry to hear of your relationship troubles. I don't think that your fiance will always be stressed if you marry her. However, from what I hear, marriage is tough. There are many stressors, you're likely to have many more similar experiences. This is just a job situation, what happens when loved ones die? Or if you (or she) becomes seriously ill, or lose a limb? If you really love her, I think you should marry her, and view this current situation as practice for the future (crisis moments). If you're think about possibly leaving her over this however, maybe you don't love her enough, or maybe you're not ready for marriage.

 

Since she's stressed about the marriage (planning a wedding), and you're stressed (getting cold feet), maybe the two of you shouldn't get married (at least not yet).

 

I think you should talk to her about your feelings. Don't say, "Hey you're bumming me out, and I don't think I want to marry you anymore", because if you start the conversation that way things will probably go badly. Maybe you should ask her how she's feeling about planning the wedding, if she's feeling better about it. If she says she's still super stressed, just tell her there's no hurry, you can always get married, and that you don't want her putting so much pressure on herself. Tell her that when she's really stressed, it concerns you (not in an I'm-starting-to-think-you're-crazy sort of way), just tell her it makes you worry about her, and her happiness.

She what she has to say.

 

The idea of getting married can be scary all on it's own, without all the other circumstances. You're making a committment to be with someone forever. You're saying, I'm happy with you, and I'm not worried about someone who's better for me coming along. It's scary, I'm not going to lie. If you really, really, love her though, I think it's totally worth making the commitment. Yes, there will be days when she's pissy, but you'll have those days too. You'll want her to be by your side during your difficult moments.

 

You're entering a new stage in your relationship, I think it's really good for the two of you to work on your communication skills. Just tell her how you feel, and don't be afraid to listen to your heart. If you're feeling that this really isn't the person for you, then she probably isn't.

 

Good luck!

[Miss Kitty]

Even if the job situation gets worked out, if you can't handle that, how will you handle other situations that come up? What if she has a miscarriage or the two of you are fighting or you lose your job or your house gets severely damaged or destroyed? If marriage is going to work for you, you have to be able to work through the hardships of life together. If you're ready to bail just because she's stressed out a lot, then I really don't think you are ready for marriage.

[redrose85]

If you're ready to bail just because she's stressed out a lot, then I really don't think you are ready for marriage.

 

I agree.