Harbouring anger at my dad after 15 years...was I right?

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

I've been turning something that happened almost 15 years ago over in my head the last few days. In many ways I know that the story seems innocuous at this point, but I've been thinking about the extent to which this event affected me, and I've been wondering how best to deal with it.

 

When I was 11, my dad planned a trip with me down to the Florida Keys to learn how to SCUBA dive. I was very excited about it, but I remember looking at the diving manual he had gotten and seeing that the minimum age for a junior diving licence was 12. A couple of weeks before we left on the trip, I pointed this out to him, but he told me not to worry -- I've always looked a bit older than I actually am, so he felt it wouldn't be an issue.

 

So we went down to Florida, went on a number of dives, went through a bunch of the written exams, etc. Then, inevitably, our diving instructor took us aside and mentioned he'd finally noticed my date of birth and as a result couldn't licence me or allow me to go on any more dives until I was 12. I was very pissed and that night I broke down crying in frustration. But, to me, one of the biggest insults was that my dad went through with getting his licence on that trip.

 

I remember this as one of the more devastating moments in my life, and I held onto a lot of anger from it. I tended to direct a lot of my anger at friends and teachers, but didn't really get out the anger at my dad. It's hard to say why I didn't, but I've always had a tough time criticizing my dad, in any way. I couldn't really tell whether or not he was at all "at fault."

 

My problem is that I still can't tell. I mentioned it to my therapist some time back, and he did draw attention to the fact that my dad went ahead with getting his licence while I couldn't. I know that I personally overreacted to it, but I still wonder if my dad did anything objectively wrong. When I think of how much this event shaped my life, I keep thinking I'm still too close to this issue to know for sure.

 

I don't want to start any issues with my dad -- this is one of the very few times when he did anything that I felt wronged by. I don't need closure from him -- I know he didn't mean to hurt me. But I feel I need someone with some distance to tell me if my dad was in the wrong. My goal is to acknowledge the answer one way or the other, and then move on. It's been long enough.

[pennyloafer2]

Sure maybe your dad made a mistake, but he actually took you on that trip. Be thankful. Find ways to be thankful.

 

I'm sure you already know this but alot of people have had much harder childhoods. Your resentment is only hurting you.

[Furtive]

I don't think your father did anything wrong. Honestly, I can't think of too many people that would drop everything because of that. He already had money invested, why not just finish it out.

 

You still look at this from a 10 year old's perspective. What you need to do, is step back, and look at it from a logical 25 year old perspective. Think about situations where you wouldn't drop your intent because a child couldn't do something you set out to do. They would hold the same grudge against you, and you would think he or she would grow out of it.

[journeynow]

Your dad took a gamble at your expense. Did he make it up, give you another opportunity when you were 12 to get a SCUBA license? And when your dad went through getting his license was it by going on more dives, and if so, what did you do, sit on the boat and wait?

 

Since your dad was taking a risk that you would get rejected, he could have shared in the outcome and withdrawn from the program on principle. It would have been a bitter pill for him, but he put you in an unfair and humiliating situation, which he should not have done. It's like you were punished by his attempt to bend the rules. However, I imagine most people would do what he did, not wanting to waste the time and expense already invested, and would go through, seeing it as the practical solution, and that you'd get over it.

 

I think you're right, though, it's not something to bring up with him now. It's one of those experiences that shapes you by giving you a perspective and compassion that you might not have developed so early, nor be such a core of your self.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

journeynow: Yes to both. We went back a year later and I received my licence. However, on our first trip, my dad did go on more dives afterwards. As far as I can remember, I did stay on the boat and wait. In any event, your response resonates a lot with me, and it touches on pretty much all of the reasons I asked this question in the first place.

[Capricorn3]

I agree with pennyloafer and furtive above. I don't think what he did was so horrendous and I think the vast majority of people would have continued on with their dive (considering the money already invested). I see nothing wrong with it. You say you went back a year later and got your licence so I have to admit I'm having difficulty in understanding this 15 year grudge/resentment. All it is doing is holding you back in life and what for?

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

I may have misrepresented something. The anger at my father is very recent -- it only started a few days ago. Since I took out all of my anger on everyone else around me instead of on my father, I felt I never took the opportunity to resolve the issue. I'm just about ready to let it go, but in order to do that, I have to face my anger at my dad. I hope that makes a bit of sense.

[Capricorn3]

I felt I never took the opportunity to resolve the issue. I'm just about ready to let it go, but in order to do that, I have to face my anger at my dad..

Do you mean you want to confront him about what he did 15 years ago? If so, what exactly will say to him?

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Nah, I'm not thinking confrontation. I'm thinking along the lines of resolving it within my own head. Coming to terms with it. Accepting what I had the right to be upset about and what I didn't. Recognizing that all this time I've been angry at him, not the rest of the world.

 

Let me put it this way: I think that for a long time I've been trying, in a sense, to get the rest of the world to apologize to me for a situation that came down to, at best, a lapse in judgement on my dad's part. I'm not just talking about getting his licence while I sat on the boat, I'm talking about the gamble he took, as journeynow put it. By trying to shift the blame onto the rest of the world, I feel like I've never been able to get resolution. I've never even questioned that my father did what he had to do under the circumstances. I feel that, to move on and forgive him, I have to ask that question now.

[contrase]

Let me get this straight.

 

Your dad took you on a trip to Florida to get you certified to Scuba Dive but he wasn't able to do it because you were too young.

 

He does some diving and gets his certification, and he gets you certified the following year when you're old enough.

 

Because of this, you are angry at him for 15 years?

 

Yeah that's over the top.

 

If it was me, I would have been like, "well thanks for trying, I know you love me, go ahead and enjoy your dives.. I'll get my certification next year".

 

Which he DID.

[Stay_home]

At least dad took you somewhere. At least he was there. At least there was the intent to do some sort of good for his son. I know some fathers who don't take their kids anywhere. They don't write, they don't call and they only show up when they need money to supply their habit.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Because of this, you are angry at him for 15 years?

 

I've done my best here to articulate that I haven't gotten angry with him up until now. Which is my problem. I feel like I should've gotten it out of my system back when I was 11 rather than keep it going by taking it out on everyone else.

[contrase]

Maybe you're angry at him for something else but since you can't figure out what it is and you have that disappointing memory of the first year that you couldn't go scuba diving with him you think that's the reason. Dig deeper.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

At least dad took you somewhere. At least he was there. At least there was the intent to do some sort of good for his son. I know some fathers who don't take their kids anywhere. They don't write, they don't call and they only show up when they need money to supply their habit.

 

My best friend is estranged from his father after a childhood of emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse. I'm aware of how bad many sons have it. That's probably the main reason he wasn't the first one I asked about this. I know that what happened in Florida with me and my dad comes nowhere near what he and many others have gone through.

[contrase]

Is it possible you're suppressing deeper memories of abuse at the hands of your own father? Also how did you pick your username and do you type it each time you log in to the forum?

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Maybe you're angry at him for something else but since you can't figure out what it is and you have that disappointing memory of the first year that you couldn't go scuba diving with him you think that's the reason. Dig deeper.

 

Well, I do know that I have issues with both of my parents due to their having divorced many years before the SCUBA incident. Probably should've mentioned that. I'm aware that this probably informed my reaction.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Also how did you pick your username and do you type it each time you log in to the forum?

 

It's a Czech tongue-twister, and the year 1903 is a very oblique reference to a story I have about a Jeopardy! clue. I guess I do have to type it in whenever I'm at a computer where my username isn't saved.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Is it possible you're suppressing deeper memories of abuse at the hands of your own father?

 

Pretty sure abuse never happened, but again, I will stipulate to his divorce from my mom.

[journeynow]

Some events can have a deep impact on our lives, events that may appear insignificant to others. You tried to warn your dad about the age thing. You were a child about do to a rather adult thing, travel with your dad, learn SCUBA diving, get licensed. Your dad reassured you so there was a trust thing. Turns out, despite your effort to do right, you were pulled out of the class, and maybe it felt like punishment. (In elementary school, being pulled out of class is a punishment.) As kids, at some point we learn our parents aren't infallible, and it can be hard to reconcile. Perhaps 11 is a vulnerable age. In my own life, pivotal events happened at age 11 that changed my view of the world is a big way, and I can still feel those 11 year old feelings when I think back. More recently, I've reflected on those times and on what I could do now as an adult with those same events (and have done with similar events). It helped shift things for me by looking back, and I sense that is what you are aiming for, a shift. I'm glad your dad took you back the next year. I imagine he felt bad when it happened and had to make a judgement call.

 

You might do something symbolic in honor of that 11-year old self that couldn't SCUBA dive, the adult-you making it up to the child-you. Like planning a special SCUBA diving trip?

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

Thanks for understanding. That's my situation in a nutshell. In fact, I have been planning to, at the very least, go and renew my licence. In fact I think I might do it tomorrow.

[meoww]

Thanks for understanding. That's my situation in a nutshell. In fact, I have been planning to, at the very least, go and renew my licence. In fact I think I might do it tomorrow.

 

I think that's a great idea. I've dealt with very old emotional baggage this way and it's been an amazing release. It's strange how we can be held back by things from our distant past that no longer hold relevance today--but you just have to deal with it I guess.

[StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903]

I think that's a great idea. I've dealt with very old emotional baggage this way and it's been an amazing release. It's strange how we can be held back by things from our distant past that no longer hold relevance today--but you just have to deal with it I guess.

 

It did feel good. It helped me let go of a lot of anger. I feel revitalized, and I'm not even angry at my dad anymore. I recognize that he messed up in this case, at least as far as reassuring me about my age was concerned, and I forgive him for it. In any event, I think I may be in the process of reconnecting with an awesome hobby.

[journeynow]

Awesome!